No show at party

[Iwishicouldflyhigh]

So i had a party for my 9 year old daughter last week - it was low key, in the garden and about 7 children invited, we had a bouncy castle/hot dogs etc, so not hugely expensive.

Everyone confirmed they could come, i sent a few WhatsApp messages prior to remind people to bring swim stuff etc, message read by all.

One girl just didn't come - we waited for her to begin the party and then cracked on.

No apology from the mum either before or after, it's just so rude and i'm really tempted to send her a message calling her out (in a respectful way - ie it would have been appreciated if you'd let me know yada yada).

Through the grapevine, i know she's having a tough time with a divorce which is making me hold back - i don't want to add to her grief, however i also think that sending a quick message beforehand isn't too much to ask.

I sent a message after the party thanking people for coming, and still no message from her (she's read my message).

It's mainly her daughter i feel sad for as she was really excited about coming.

I'm not particularly fond of this mum, she's one of those who posts cryptic messages on Facebook - 'just arrived at A and E' and then doesn't elaborate on why, but feeds on all the sympathy messages - so it wouldn't be a loss to me if she she takes my message to her in the wrong way.

AIBU to send her a polite message asking her why she didn't let me know her daughter wasn't coming, or should i just leave it?
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Yes it's annoying, but if she's having a tough time then your daughter's birthday probably wasn't a priority for her. I'd let it go and not give it any more thought. It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Do it if it makes you feel better OP, but quite honestly I think you'll be wasting your time, as if she's the sort of person who doesn't think to let you know that her child can't come after all, then she's unlikely to be shamed into making an effort in the future. Also, you have no idea what she may be going through right now, regarding divorce, etc., so I think your instinct to leave it is probably for the best.

I think it's a bit late now. What you should have done, what I'd have done, is message shortly after the party was due to begin saying 'Hi, is everything okay? We're just waiting for kid to arrive, my kid can't wait to see her! Looking forward to seeing you soon' and force her to reply and explain that she isn't coming.

If she hasn't come and hasn't said anything then whatever you say now will probably just start an argument, so I would just forget about this person altogether and not invite again.

Just leave it. You are being ridiculous, moaning that this woman was rude, yet it would be even more rude for you to message her, no matter how ‘respectful’ you think your message would be.

To use a childish phrase - you need to grow up.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions but would message her separately and say you hope her DD is okay and it was a shame she wasn't there.

Assume you realise you've posted both in Chat and AIBU?

I wouldn't have even given this a second thought. Give her a break - definitely don't message, it's not like it'll change anything and you know she's having a hard time. Just move on!

I wouldn't bother messaging the mum. It will serve no useful purpose other than to perhaps make you feel better for a wee while. Just make a note not to rely on her DD appearing at any events in future.

I don’t agree with some of the posts above. It’s plain rude to fail to turn up and totally blank the host instead of apologising. It doesn’t matter if she’s going through a divorce - she’s still reading the messages about the party so she’s clearly able to have sent a 15 second message of apology. I’d message saying your daughter missed seeing her friend at the party and next time could she pop you a quick message to let you know if she won’t be coming to something.

Yes it was rude but seriously what do you want her begging for your forgiveness?

Why do you actually need to know? To what benefit?

If she's going through divorce, perhaps dad had the friend for the day and deliberately wouldn't let her go, it happens. Either way don't give it any more thought

Leave her to it.

I am not a fan of cryptic FB posts either, but you know she is going through a rough time, so cut her some slack. It could be that some of the neediness of those cryptic posts is because she genuinely can't get much support without, in effect, slightly tear-jerking at friends for it - that does happen. She may be posting like that so that people do message her privately to ask what happened, because she's suddenly gone from having a partner to co-parent with to being on her own, and she's not sure how to get support now.

If you genuinely like the daughter and your DD does too, how about a message saying 'DD missed [name] at her party; let me know if she'd fancy a playdate one day soon?' That way it won't just sound like a guilt trip.

Yes, that is the sort of message that i'd send, i agree it's really rude and just not something that i'd do.

Leave it.

Oh the cryptic messages have gone on for as long as i've known her - about 10 years, nothing to do with the divorce, but yes, i presume they are attention seeking (and there is a reason for that).

Bit of an aggressive reply to OP! If you’re one of only 7 guests to someone’s home and you accept an invitation, to then not turn up and not attempt to excuse your no-show is plain rude!

Leave it. Has happened to my DC in the past by flaky parents. Their children were not invited next year. Also started to have wapp group for bdays so I could remind everyone the same day of the party. Since then no no-shows. But just leave it. Some people are rude, just don't invite the girl next time.

I posted this on your other thread, so I might as well add it here too.

Just leave it or you're going to come across as far too intense, given that it happened last week.

She was rude, but some people just are and you know not to invite again.

I’d leave it - it’s bound to cause more hassle than it’s worth.

Why didn't you call her once it was obvious she was late?

Perhaps it was Dad's time and mum had passed the information on to him and left it to him to organise so not necessarily her fault.

I would text her and say "I'm really sorry X couldn't come to DD birthday, if you had trouble getting her here I would have happily picked her up so she didn't miss out"

To sort of be supportive but point out you noticed the lack of communication.

She's struggling, probably feeling a bit isolated hence the Facebook hospital messages and reaching out in that way but plenty of women are anxious about birthday parties and the socialising that comes with it if parents were staying although at 9 probs not you only have to be around MN for awhile to see that.

She has 4 children and definitely not someone who struggles with parties - i've known her years as her oldest daughter went to school with mine and the cryptic messages have been going on for years (far before the divorce).

Ok, I do take your point if they predate the divorce (but the point stands that some people do this because they are struggling for valid reasons, annoying as it is). But the main thing is your DD's relationship with her DD. People don't always have healthy ways of expressing valid needs. I've got a lovely friend, who is a wonderful person, and who does quite a lot of FB 'feeling sad now' type posts. I can look past that because I know she is genuinely a decent person; she's just not got it together enough to manage to ask for help in a less demanding/irritating way.

Because i was supervising 7 children on a bouncy castle probably!!

Yes, the woman was rude but the OP said she knows she’s going through a tough time, the OP doesn’t seem to particularly like the woman, the party was a week ago do it would be petty and rude to call her out on her behaviour. These things happen.

I found over many years of hosting children’s parties that some invitees are a lot more casual when it’s a house party - as in they think it doesn’t matter if they don’t turn up on the day as it’s not a booked paid for event. Not my opinion but my experience.