No show at party

[Iwishicouldflyhigh]

So i had a party for my 9 year old daughter last week - it was low key, in the garden and about 7 children invited, we had a bouncy castle/hot dogs etc, so not hugely expensive.

Everyone confirmed they could come, i sent a few WhatsApp messages prior to remind people to bring swim stuff etc, message read by all.

One girl just didn't come - we waited for her to begin the party and then cracked on.

No apology from the mum either before or after, it's just so rude and i'm really tempted to send her a message calling her out (in a respectful way - ie it would have been appreciated if you'd let me know yada yada).

Through the grapevine, i know she's having a tough time with a divorce which is making me hold back - i don't want to add to her grief, however i also think that sending a quick message beforehand isn't too much to ask.

I sent a message after the party thanking people for coming, and still no message from her (she's read my message).

It's mainly her daughter i feel sad for as she was really excited about coming.

I'm not particularly fond of this mum, she's one of those who posts cryptic messages on Facebook - 'just arrived at A and E' and then doesn't elaborate on why, but feeds on all the sympathy messages - so it wouldn't be a loss to me if she she takes my message to her in the wrong way.

AIBU to send her a polite message asking her why she didn't let me know her daughter wasn't coming, or should i just leave it?
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Thanks

We've been to a party with a terrible accident on a bouncy castle (double broken arms, emergency op). Your decision if you are happy to have more on one, my decision to not based on this. It was a small bouncy and not suitable for more. Plus there were younger siblings.

Our class is just not one where everyone is invited to everything anymore, it's really not. May be yours is, ours isn't.

And the missing girl's best friend was invited (and came) to my DD's party.

You're giving this way too much headspace. Let it go. In fact, you're lucky there was only one no show.

These are the times in life when you need to channel your inner Elsa.

Sometimes those well meaning parties cause more problems than they are worth.

!!!!!!!!

Jeez, give the woman a break, she's obv got bigger things to worry about than a kids party.

I'm so surprised by the majority of people saying they would totally ignore this!

I 100% would not send a message 'telling off' the parent as I think that's awkward and not the tone I would want to strike (imagine if you sent something cross and it turned out she'd been in hospital all day). But I would want to check in to see if she is ok. I get some people are just disorganised and thoughtless. But most people do meet their commitments - if I was ever a no show there would absolutely be a reason and I'd be surprised and hurt if people just assumed that I was being selfish and ignored it.

And even if the outcome is that she was just thoughtless/forgot, I still think it's better to mention the behaviour so that she knows it was noticed and did have an impact. It might make her think twice about doing it in future.

I also think I would want to gather a bit more info so I could decide whether to invite her child to future events. If she was mortified and apologised then I would probably give her another chance.

You post suggest you do, attitude and actions speak louder than words and even your words say you 'lack liking of her'.

You comment saying shes an attention seeker show you don't like her.

You acknowledge she is struggling and going through a rough time yet all you can think is to make it even worse for her and put her on blast and you don't care if it upsets her and makes her withdraw more.

Its quite bullying really.

When people pullout/withdraw/isolate from social event its never about the event host its almost always about self care especially if they are going through a major life change. There so much 'talk to me if you are struggling' and 'you are not alone' about depression and mental health but its only ever touted meaninglessly. As soon as your not the perfect social butterfly friend then fuck you your selfish and we're all going to tell you that your as bad as you already feel (even if the social crime committed is as simple as not bouncing on a bouncy castle).

LET IT GO... LET IT GO

Meanwhile in normal parenting land... OP you are completely reasonable - it's not the flakiness on the day, it's the complete lack of apology, or just giving an explanation, afterwards. Any human being would know they need to after failing to show when they repeatedly confirmed they would at every stage of planning the damn thing.

I can't believe the excuses people are giving. A text takes 5 seconds, get a fucking grip. This is rude and unkind and cowardly of the no-show mum and you all know it.

Someone was a no-show at my son's party earlier this year. My son was upset at the time but got over it pretty quickly.

The mum profusely apologised, they'd simply forgotten, and then dropped round a card with £20 in it.

That's what you do in this situation (minus the £20 - that was far too much!). Not ignore the party parent.

The mum is being very rude.

Just to add while I agree that the mum who didn't turn up was unreasonable and rude and not right, people who don't reply or apologise in situations like this don't care do they

So that was why I said there's no point sending a message now

I think the likelihood is that the mum would message back just making some excuse up that wasn't true.

Get over yourself. She's going through a difficult time. Sometimes it is too much to be thinking of @Iwishicouldflyhigh daughters birthday.

Fucking hell, I was being made homeless and still had crackpots like you telling me I was rude. I just laughed. I really should have given them rude though.

2 ticks does not equal read anymore.

Crackpot?

Correct.

I think all you can do is not invite her daughter to any further parties, which is sad for the daughter, but a consequence of her having a rude mother.

Whether you send a message or not, I can't imagine that she's the type of person who would take note and learn manners. If you're the type of person who doesn't (a) apologise in advance if you can't make a party and (b) fail to apologise after missing a party, it seems highly unlikely you're the type of person who would then take note of a follow-up message from the host.

Yes, I was mortified!

Which is my point, I get people forget things but generally people apologise after.

Oh come on you cannot start quizzing people on birthday party attendance a week after the fact. That's crazy behaviour. A quick "sorry we missed you, hope all OK, see you at school next week" day of is about all that should be said.
Move and don't rely on her attendance next year.

Of course you can, it's not been a month! "Hi Jane, was hoping to bump into you at school today but we didn't seem to cross paths. Just wanted to check if all is ok...".

Some of the responses on this thread are quite extreme but I do agree with the point @housethatbuiltme made "There so much 'talk to me if you are struggling' and 'you are not alone' about depression and mental health but its only ever touted meaninglessly."

Sometimes people who are struggling behave in ways that are odd/selfish/rude/uncomfortable (e.g. posting vague attention seeking social media posts). It would take OP no time at all to gently check in, instead of assuming the worst - deciding she's unspeakably rude and not worth the time.

Especially assuming said party was out of term time and not relying on pre paid numbers for soft play, or the like.

I actually cannot believe people are saying don't invite her again because she has a rude mum (who is going through a tough time).

Blimey.

Sometimes things crop up and who knows what the reason is for not showing. Yes a quick text would have been great but in reality did one missing child really make a huge difference to the day ? besides the party starting a little bit late. Most would have just started, TBF it was a bouncy castle in your garden so you weren't really restricted with timings.

I wouldn't punish the child by never inviting again, I certainly wouldn't shame the mother in public. Sometimes kids show, sometimes they don't, it's all part of throwing parties.

Give the mother the benefit of the doubt, if she was reading and the times will be beside the messages she read , there's a pretty good reason why she didn't reply considering she had been replying previously.

I'd find that extremely odd personally. It's over and done with, they aren't friends, OP knows she's got lots on her plate. Besides, I don't get the impression that OP is concerned, or wants to lend a listening ear - she just wants a grovelling apology.

If OP actually gave a shit about this woman's wellbeing she would have got in touch far quicker and without feeling the need to ask the advice of a bunch of strangers on the internet.

So, given that all OP wants is to go apology fishing I would say: absolutely not. Don't be that twat.