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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No show at party

185 replies

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 10:56

So i had a party for my 9 year old daughter last week - it was low key, in the garden and about 7 children invited, we had a bouncy castle/hot dogs etc, so not hugely expensive.

Everyone confirmed they could come, i sent a few WhatsApp messages prior to remind people to bring swim stuff etc, message read by all.

One girl just didn't come - we waited for her to begin the party and then cracked on.

No apology from the mum either before or after, it's just so rude and i'm really tempted to send her a message calling her out (in a respectful way - ie it would have been appreciated if you'd let me know yada yada).

Through the grapevine, i know she's having a tough time with a divorce which is making me hold back - i don't want to add to her grief, however i also think that sending a quick message beforehand isn't too much to ask.

I sent a message after the party thanking people for coming, and still no message from her (she's read my message).

It's mainly her daughter i feel sad for as she was really excited about coming.

I'm not particularly fond of this mum, she's one of those who posts cryptic messages on Facebook - 'just arrived at A and E' and then doesn't elaborate on why, but feeds on all the sympathy messages - so it wouldn't be a loss to me if she she takes my message to her in the wrong way.

AIBU to send her a polite message asking her why she didn't let me know her daughter wasn't coming, or should i just leave it?
OP posts:See all
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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5156096-non-show-at-party?postsby=Iwishicouldflyhigh

OP posts:
5foot5 · 02/09/2024 11:16

TBH if your DD has got to 9 before you have encountered the "no show" or "no reply" issue with parties then you are doing well. There always seems to be a small proportion of people who either don't think RSVP applies to them or don't see why they shouldn't just not turn up. No manners.

Afternoonteavirgin · 02/09/2024 11:16

Why did they need their swimming things for a bouncy castle party misses point of thread

I would've probably rang or at least messaged on the day, asking if they were coming. Seems too late now.

purpleme12 · 02/09/2024 11:17

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 11:14

Because i was supervising 7 children on a bouncy castle probably!!

Show quote history

Ok.

Honestly I think you could have found time to look at your phone to find her name to call her and talk to her (if she answered) for a couple of minutes) while looking at some other children.

That would have been the best and right thing to do.

No point doing anything now

Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 11:19

SarahAndQuack · 02/09/2024 11:14

Ok, I do take your point if they predate the divorce (but the point stands that some people do this because they are struggling for valid reasons, annoying as it is). But the main thing is your DD's relationship with her DD. People don't always have healthy ways of expressing valid needs. I've got a lovely friend, who is a wonderful person, and who does quite a lot of FB 'feeling sad now' type posts. I can look past that because I know she is genuinely a decent person; she's just not got it together enough to manage to ask for help in a less demanding/irritating way.

Show quote history

Yes you are right, and i've said to mine to not say anything to her daughter at school etc.

I'm genuinely someone who is mindful of other people's feelings, but this has peeved me as her daughter's place at the party was at the expense of another child (ie we kept it small due to the bouncy castle and hot tub), and it's just rude, but i'll probably just leave it and not invite her daughter in future (but then i feel bad for the daughter!!!)

OP posts:
Berlinlover · 02/09/2024 11:20

You’re taking it far too personally, I would just let it go.

purpleme12 · 02/09/2024 11:21

I don't see why your daughter can't ask her daughter why she didn't come.

There's nothing wrong with that. And I wouldn't be telling her to not ask.

purpleme12 · 02/09/2024 11:22

And it's pretty natural between friends to ask

pinkspeakers · 02/09/2024 11:23

Yes it's rude behaviour if she was aware of the party and just didn't show, but if someone is really having a hard time then it might have just been one too many thing to keep track of.

If you also see her as a friend (or potential friend) to some extent then I'd send a "sorry not to have seen X at Y's party at the weekend, hope everything is OK with you" message. But if she's really not friend beyond being the mum of your daughter's friend, and not likely to be, then I'd just leave it.

Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 11:23

Afternoonteavirgin · 02/09/2024 11:16

Why did they need their swimming things for a bouncy castle party misses point of thread

I would've probably rang or at least messaged on the day, asking if they were coming. Seems too late now.

We have a hot tub as well, so they went in that!

There was no point messaging on the day, it was obvious they weren't coming (i'd sent a message to everyone that morning so she wouldn't have forgotten) and it was generally pretty hectic.

It's more now after the party, that the silence is starting to grate.

Anyway, i'll probably leave it and may be mention something at the school gate if i see her.

OP posts:
Talipesmum · 02/09/2024 11:24

We’ve had the odd family like this who were flakey with parties. Often it was logistics panic and social awkwardness as well as sometimes just oblivious carelessness. There was one family who forgot a lot, and another who struggled to get the child to places - we would message them in advance and ask if they’d like us to collect X for the party, serving to remind them and give them an out for logistics problems that they were too shy to ask for help with.

It’s not worth saying anything by message now - if you see her in person you could say “hey, we missed x last week” and see what she says.

Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 11:25

purpleme12 · 02/09/2024 11:22

And it's pretty natural between friends to ask

Edited

Because i don't want her daughter to have more upset in her life at missing a party that she was (apparently) really looking forward to and didn't stop talking about.

This girl isn't invited to much (a lot to do with her mother) and so this was a big deal to her.

What's the point in adding to the daughter's upset, none of this is her fault.

OP posts:
BabaYetu · 02/09/2024 11:26

You know she fucked up and didn’t bring her child to the party. She knows you know.

You know she’s going through a difficult time.

Pointing out that she fucked up and you don’t appreciate her rudeness isn’t going to improve the situation.

purpleme12 · 02/09/2024 11:26

Ok I just think it's odd to tell someone not to ask a pretty normal thing. But ok

Noseybookworm · 02/09/2024 11:28

I would leave it, it's a minor annoyance at the most. It's not your problem that her daughter will be disappointed to have missed the party, that's for her mother to worry about. Just be happy that your daughter had a nice party and move on.

Original poster
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 11:28

5foot5 · 02/09/2024 11:16

TBH if your DD has got to 9 before you have encountered the "no show" or "no reply" issue with parties then you are doing well. There always seems to be a small proportion of people who either don't think RSVP applies to them or don't see why they shouldn't just not turn up. No manners.

We've had no replies (and i assume they are non comers and i don't cater for them). I've had the ones who reply on the morning saying they are coming (and i've told them that they missed the RSVP so unfortunately i've not catered for them (ie they can't come), but no - i've never had a no show - and i'm third daughter down!!!!!

I've also forgotten a party in the past (mortified) and i took the present around the next day with profuse apologies.

OP posts:
JLT24 · 02/09/2024 11:32

Whilst I agree it was plain rude to not turn up I don’t think messaging her now will achieve anything. If people want to treat you disrespectfully then walk away!! Just don’t have anything to do with her going forward.

tattygrl · 02/09/2024 11:32

Just leave it. Honestly.

The gain you achieve from sending a message expressing your ire is just nothing compared to what could be a kick in the gut for someone going through a shit time and struggling to keep on top of things.

Yes, maybe she is simply rude and inconsiderate. But she might also be really struggling, and now feeling awful that she missed this party. When you're down, your mistakes feel even worse, so there's a chance she's feeling truly awful about this. A message, no matter how "nicely" worded, about how your daughter missed seeing hers on her birthday, will really stick with this woman if she's struggling right now. She will feel shamed and belittled and guilty.

I just don't think it's worth the risk. Let it go. You have no idea what she's got going on.

LlynTegid · 02/09/2024 11:35

5foot5 · 02/09/2024 11:16

TBH if your DD has got to 9 before you have encountered the "no show" or "no reply" issue with parties then you are doing well. There always seems to be a small proportion of people who either don't think RSVP applies to them or don't see why they shouldn't just not turn up. No manners.

I am also surprised.

The main thing I would take from this is not to wait for anyone, be they a latecomer or a no-show. If people get to know you are someone who does things on time, especially at work, then lateness reduces, though not stopping no-shows.

Didimum · 02/09/2024 11:36

i don't want to add to her grief, however i also think that sending a quick message beforehand isn't too much to ask.

And moving on isn't too much to ask from you. It's just a kid's party. You're going OTT.

Oganesson118 · 02/09/2024 11:36

Yes its rude not to respond but to be honest if she's not been in touch by now, she probably won't reply to a direct message either. You won't really gain anything by messaging her even if she did reply, especially given you don't seem to like her, so just leave it.

Neveranynamesleft · 02/09/2024 11:39

There could be allsorts of reasons why friend didn't show but that's none of your business. You could have sent a text reminder and she could have contacted you....works both ways.
Anyway, nothing to be gained from contacting her now or going on about it, the party is over.

LBFseBrom · 02/09/2024 11:45

Its2024happynewyear · 02/09/2024 10:59

Yes it's annoying, but if she's having a tough time then your daughter's birthday probably wasn't a priority for her. I'd let it go and not give it any more thought. It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

That.

As long as everyone else enjoyed the party, don't worry about it. It's over.

(I once sent my son to a party on the wrong day - the day after! There was nobody there, I assure you my apologises were profuse and I was red faced for several days. Things happen but we get over them.)

Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2024 11:46

The only reason you'd contact her about this is to cause drama. Nothing good will come of it and there's no point. Let it go.

5128gap · 02/09/2024 11:48

Yes it's rude. No you shouldn't message. Why on earth would you? She hasn't got a time machine to go back and put it right so is telling her off really that important to you? The priority here are the DC, yours and hers. It's not her child's fault, so why would you want to stir up drama and bad feeling that may spill over and impact the girls' friendship? If I were you, I'd be thinking 'poor kid. Parents divorcing and her mum too distracted or busy to look after her social life'. The minor inconvenience to you and your offence is a strange priority.

ChiefEverythingOfficer · 02/09/2024 11:53

Personally I said YABU. Not because not showing up without a quick message isn't rude - it is. More because it's just not something I would fuss about. It didn't cost you anything - your child presumably wasn't devastated.

Many Mums just don't place importance on their children's social life. Odd? Yes. Worth the effort of a statement to try and convert them. Nope.

Just don't invite again.