No show at party

[Iwishicouldflyhigh]

So i had a party for my 9 year old daughter last week - it was low key, in the garden and about 7 children invited, we had a bouncy castle/hot dogs etc, so not hugely expensive.

Everyone confirmed they could come, i sent a few WhatsApp messages prior to remind people to bring swim stuff etc, message read by all.

One girl just didn't come - we waited for her to begin the party and then cracked on.

No apology from the mum either before or after, it's just so rude and i'm really tempted to send her a message calling her out (in a respectful way - ie it would have been appreciated if you'd let me know yada yada).

Through the grapevine, i know she's having a tough time with a divorce which is making me hold back - i don't want to add to her grief, however i also think that sending a quick message beforehand isn't too much to ask.

I sent a message after the party thanking people for coming, and still no message from her (she's read my message).

It's mainly her daughter i feel sad for as she was really excited about coming.

I'm not particularly fond of this mum, she's one of those who posts cryptic messages on Facebook - 'just arrived at A and E' and then doesn't elaborate on why, but feeds on all the sympathy messages - so it wouldn't be a loss to me if she she takes my message to her in the wrong way.

AIBU to send her a polite message asking her why she didn't let me know her daughter wasn't coming, or should i just leave it?
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Thanks

Its an invite not a summons.

Kicking someone when you know they are already down and struggling because you self admittedly don't like them says far more about you.

What are you hoping to achieve with the message, genuine question? Because if it’s just to get across the message (directly or subtly) that she mucked up, that doesn’t make you a particularly nice person. If it’s genuine concern that she’s struggling, then that’s different but I find it odd you’d feel you need to somehow pull her up on it, especially when you know she’s going through some stuff.

Would you not just send a 'sorry we missed you on Saturday, is everything ok?' message before jumping to conclusions?

I think you're too invested, chalk it up and move on. You have no idea what she's dealing with. Yes it was rude but what will you gain from messaging her? Just don't invite her again.

People don't show at parties all the time, one of those things.

You are weird to want to message her and have a go or be PA.

You cannot control others behaviour and make them reply to messages.

Some people are just rude tbh. You will always get some drop-outs due to sickness etc but I find flakey people annoying. We had a pay per head party where two just didn’t come or let me know. I could have had someone else in their space if they weren’t going to make it. They were on the periphery of my daughter’s friendship group anyway so I just never invited them to things again. Don’t follow-up or chase- just let it go.

You said yourself she has four kids and is going through a divorce so there's no mystery? You don't know how you would react in her shoes and whether you'd be together enough to send a quick message. Don't invite her child again if it has really bothered you but you already have an explanation, and telling her off in a message really won't help anyone.

I was in the same situation last year with my DDs party, was at a trampoline park and one girl was a no-show. Mum blanked me at the school gate the following week and the girl told my DD she didn't want to go to the party any more so refused on the day. Apparently this has happened a few times in the past at other parties with this girl so guess who's not getting invited this year.

I have totally forgotten quite a few kids parties in my time. It happens! It might happen to you! Please don't say anything. The mum might bring it up herself. In the broad scheme of things it's a minor offence, surely? Edited for typos.

Same here
Not coming to the party, even last minute, could be excusable but just not bothering to say anything at any point, even after is hard to justify or excuse. Even if she was in a&e she could have sent a message the day after explaining!

If everyone did the same, op's dd would have had a party with no friends turning up, she would have been absolutely devastated and op would have wasted time and money. That's how things like that happen, with everyone thinking it's only them that won't come and assuming everyone else will, or its "just a minor offence" - yes if only 1 out of 9 don't turn up it might not have a huge effect but if everyone did the same it would become a major issue.

I find people suggesting to let it go with the mother but just not invite the dd to things again a crueler suggestion - so the child gets punished for her mother's rudeness?

I definitely would NOT send a message but if you are determined to do so, I think this one is the most appropriate.

We have no idea what’s going on in another person’s life. Even though you find this person irritating, there may be a genuine reason why she has allowed this situation to arise. I know it only takes seconds to send a text but if someone is in a state of mental
turmoil it may just be too much for them to get their head together enough to make a reply.

Thank you all- at least those who have talked me down in a polite and reasoned way.

Those who have called me weird etc etc - and then told me to look in a mirror, well the irony is not lost on me!

To be clear, she could not have forgotten as she opened messages from me about the party THAT MORNING, so she could have sent a quick message then saying that they wouldn't make it.

She has opened the messages from me since (on the group WhatApp where i thanked for presents) and she could have sent a quick apology message then.

And actually, that has irked me more than the not turning up on the day.

I don't know her enough to either like or dislike her, but i was happy for her kid to be invited (who doesn't get invited to much due to the mother's bahaviour oversharing on FB and playground arguments with teachers - not divorce related) and i mainly just feel pretty sorry for that child who had been talking about the party constantly with my child and has missed out.

I won't message her and i will still invite her DD in the future if my DD wants to - but will know that it's likely she may not come.

When you realised you had forgotten (as i have done), did you then apologise to the host?

Totally - it's an invite, that she accepted.

I have not said that i don't like the mum?

School mum, no - only about 7 including siblings.

I've done the same (actually i got the time wrong and i didn't know the mum or child so my kid attended someone else's party and was happily jumping away until i clocked that i literally didn't know anyone).

But the point is that you have said yourself that you apologised after (as did i - and i took the present around to the birthday girl).

She hasn't.

Did she actually say she was going to come? Or was she just present on a group where the invite was sent but didn't accept it?

If you’ve only invited half the girls in the class, you’ve left quite a few out. Maybe she’s friends with some of the ones you left out. Personally if having a party at home and not paying per head, I’d invite all the girls, rather than a select few. It’s a bit mean.

We are definitely past the point of having to invite all the girls and regardless we invited far less then half the girls and lastly, that is not the point. If she wasn't comfortable coming because a friend of hers wasn't invited, that's no problem, she could have rejected the invite.

I wouldn't have invited more due to safety of bouncy castle/hot tub.

She definitely accepted it - and responded to other messages that i sent (about dietary requirements etc).

With the best will in the world everyone can get overwhelmed and miss something from time to time. I missed a friend’s child’s party a few months ago and felt awful. I was pregnant and juggling quite a lot at work and home and felt like I was completely losing track of lots of things. Really embarrassing but I messaged to apologise and the host was really nice about it. I think just let her crack on with her life, you don’t know what she’s got on her plate.

My point exactly. You apologised after.

I'm not particularly fond of this mum, so it wouldn't be a loss to me

Past the point? They’re only 9. I’ve done parties at home with bouncy castles and managed far more kids than that. Girls at this age talk a lot about parties amongst themselves. What you’ve done may well get people’s backs up tbh so maybe this is why.

but I don’t dislike her. She’s not a friend, but I don’t actively dislike her.