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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No show at party

185 replies

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/09/2024 10:56

So i had a party for my 9 year old daughter last week - it was low key, in the garden and about 7 children invited, we had a bouncy castle/hot dogs etc, so not hugely expensive.

Everyone confirmed they could come, i sent a few WhatsApp messages prior to remind people to bring swim stuff etc, message read by all.

One girl just didn't come - we waited for her to begin the party and then cracked on.

No apology from the mum either before or after, it's just so rude and i'm really tempted to send her a message calling her out (in a respectful way - ie it would have been appreciated if you'd let me know yada yada).

Through the grapevine, i know she's having a tough time with a divorce which is making me hold back - i don't want to add to her grief, however i also think that sending a quick message beforehand isn't too much to ask.

I sent a message after the party thanking people for coming, and still no message from her (she's read my message).

It's mainly her daughter i feel sad for as she was really excited about coming.

I'm not particularly fond of this mum, she's one of those who posts cryptic messages on Facebook - 'just arrived at A and E' and then doesn't elaborate on why, but feeds on all the sympathy messages - so it wouldn't be a loss to me if she she takes my message to her in the wrong way.

AIBU to send her a polite message asking her why she didn't let me know her daughter wasn't coming, or should i just leave it?
OP posts:See all
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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5156096-non-show-at-party?postsby=Iwishicouldflyhigh

OP posts:
Booksandwine80 · 02/09/2024 11:54

God, just leave it. Do you honestly have nothing better to do or think about?!

Pyjamatimenow · 02/09/2024 11:54

Is this a school mum? Was it all girls from the class you invited?

Pluvia · 02/09/2024 11:55

Do it if it makes you feel better OP, but quite honestly I think you'll be wasting your time, as if she's the sort of person who doesn't think to let you know that her child can't come after all, then she's unlikely to be shamed into making an effort in the future.

What kind of person wants to shame someone into doing something? If you want to shame her, OP, I think you need to look at yourself hard in the mirror.

No-shows are to be expected. They always happen. Hot dogs and a bouncy castle in your garden were a big deal for you but not for other people. It was great so many remembered and came, but don't get on your high horse about this one. You've said yourself she has bigger things to deal with at the moment.

Rory17384949 · 02/09/2024 11:58

It is annoying and rude but sending her a message is pointless really. If you know she's going through a bad time then do you really want to kick her while she's down?

Also your DD's party is obviously very important to you and your DD but it's actually not to other people especially if they have a lot going on.

Emmacb82 · 02/09/2024 12:04

Yes it’s annoying but it will the first time in a long list of times that people do it when it comes to parties. You only have to search the threads on here to see how many people have issues with party replies, attendances and siblings amongst others! I think you need to just let it go. You’ve already identified that she is having a tough time so is it actually going to make you feel better by calling her out on it? I’ve only hosted one party which I will never repeat as the amount of last minute cancellations we got was heartbreaking for my son who was 6 at the time. And none of them were good excuses, they just couldn’t be bothered to come. But did I do anything about it? No. Because I concentrated on making sure he had the best time and was grateful to the others for coming and making the effort. If people are like that for starters, they aren’t going to be bothered by a message questioning their behaviour.

sparklybead · 02/09/2024 12:05

This has happened to us in the past. They weren’t invited again. It’s bad enough when it’s a party where you pay an overall cost for a class party, but when you’ve paid £20pp and your DC has chosen a small number of friends then it’s really annoying when they don’t tell you and just don’t turn up, as someone else could have been invited instead.

brightdazzling · 02/09/2024 12:06

I would send a message along the lines of 'hi just wanted to check all is ok as we were expecting you at the party today'. That has the effect of 'calling out' her behaviour but in a subtler way and is sympathetic if something genuinely is going on with her.

LeontineFrance · 02/09/2024 12:06

Let it go. The children probably won't even be friends by next year so why bother. Who knows what is going on inside her head at the moment? She doesn't need further reminding as she is probably trying to hold body and soul together for the sake of her child.

olympicsrock · 02/09/2024 12:10

I wouldn’t send a message but next time you see her say if she doesn’t acknowledge the no show say something like…
We missed DD at the party. Hope everything was ok?

XiCi · 02/09/2024 12:10

Seriously, just leave it. This happened to us a few times over the years with flaky parents. They won't give a shit and you'll just come across as a neurotic

BeLilacMaker · 02/09/2024 12:14

Just leave it.

It's not great, and would annoy me if someone did it but shit happens and it's a kids party, it's really not important.

waterrat · 02/09/2024 12:19

god let it go OP it's not a big deal. It could be rude or she could be struggling - or maybe forgot.

really not worth falling out with local parent over given your kids will be at school together for a while.

sunseaandsoundingoff · 02/09/2024 12:20

olympicsrock · 02/09/2024 12:10

I wouldn’t send a message but next time you see her say if she doesn’t acknowledge the no show say something like…
We missed DD at the party. Hope everything was ok?

this is a good shout.

she's seen your message, if she was going to reply she would have, if she'd missed it by accident you would know that by now. so either she's not feeling in a position to talk to people or she doesn't actually like you or she's being attention seeking. no point contacting her again.

Ap42 · 02/09/2024 12:21

Definitely rude. But I would leave it. This has happened to my daughter before, I just make a note not to invite them again. The same with those that don't rsvp that they can't make it. It's just one of those things I've learnt to accept, not everyone is polite, and not everyone gives a monkeys about your child's party.

ItsVeryHyacinthBucket · 02/09/2024 12:23

I wouldn't bother; people forget stuff. Your daughter's party is way more important to you than it is to her. Whether you like her or not (and you clearly don't), the fact she's going through a divorce and has 4 kids to deal with implies she's not got a huge amount of headspace. Be kind, let it go. What are you going to gain from making her feel bad?

Hadjab · 02/09/2024 12:25

Maybe I was just too relaxed when it came to hosting parties for my three kids, but if it wasn't a timed event, my attitude was always the party starts when the bulk of the kids arrive, and anyone who isn't here isn't here. If it was Build-A-Bear or a trip to the cinema, then yes, I would have and have called parents. A party in house or church hall, nope. At the end of the day, it's more likely to be the absent child missing out rather than mine - unfortunate but true.

LadyKenya · 02/09/2024 12:28

Nobody knows what people could be going through at any time in their lives. Enquire after her, and her daughter, if you genuinely care how they may be, or otherwise just leave it.

PlantDoctor · 02/09/2024 12:30

It's pretty par for the course. One mum completely forgot DD's party and only realised about a month later! Another little boy never seems to make it when invited. Some people are disorganised and others, like your situation, have a lot going on at home. Don't message her, just leave it.

InTheRainOnATrain · 02/09/2024 12:34

What would it achieve? You know already that the mum is rude and odd, and it won’t change the fact that she didn't turn up. I’d just leave it and not invite her again.

LL1991 · 02/09/2024 12:37

Personally I’d leave it. If you know she’s having a hard time why kick her when she’s down? Yes it’s not great and not what I’d do/expect but it seems like a trivial thing you’re letting bother you way too much.

Halfemptyhalfling · 02/09/2024 12:39

If you have party bags or cake left perhaps you can give it or a slice to your dd to give to her friend and say sorry you couldn't make it to the party in the end. Else her friend may feel really embarrassed for missing it

pinkdelight · 02/09/2024 12:40

She's got four kids to juggle and is going through a divorce. Your concern for her DD missing a party is very very low on the scale of things that matter to you, her or her DD. There'll often be a no-show at events and it's not something to get hung up on. The party went well and is in the past now. Draw a line and leave it.

Peachy2005 · 02/09/2024 12:50

Late July and August parties are known for this so actually 1 no-show is pretty good going. You shouldn’t have bothered delaying the start for one child.

Yes this mum was rude but we’ve had more no-shows than this for a late July party. You absolutely should rise above and not mention it, imo.

EndlessTreadmill · 02/09/2024 12:55

Definitely wouldn't message! It's not like you had booked theatre tickets or something where you had literally lost money. It's just in your garden.
Woman is definitely rude, and I wouldn't invite her again, unless your daughter absolutely insists because the girl is her best friend.

Bollihobs · 02/09/2024 13:02

DillyDilly · 02/09/2024 11:15

Yes, the woman was rude but the OP said she knows she’s going through a tough time, the OP doesn’t seem to particularly like the woman, the party was a week ago do it would be petty and rude to call her out on her behaviour. These things happen.

I found over many years of hosting children’s parties that some invitees are a lot more casual when it’s a house party - as in they think it doesn’t matter if they don’t turn up on the day as it’s not a booked paid for event. Not my opinion but my experience.

Show quote history

But it was just your opinion to say that the OP is " being ridiculous" and that she is "being childish and needs to grow up"

Both of those statements are nothing to do with "your experience" and were just aggressive, nasty and totally inappropriate.

Whatever issue you're reacting to here, the OP didn't cause it.