First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

[Aperolling28]

First day for DS (3) starting a new preschool. He woke up last night for 3 hours in the middle of the night so we were both awake. We had the same thing the night before so he was shattered and grumpy this morning.
The plan was that we would both take him on his first day. So whilst i'm getting ready, I could hear DH shouting at DS "do not tip the basket of toys over, it makes lots of mess, do not do that, I said no, you will go on time out, right thats it, time out". Toys get tipped over, DS is screaming, he gets put on time out.
My AIBU is that I then intervene and say to my DH, cut him some slack - its his first day at school, he's only 3, he hasn't slept properly for 2 nights, he was always going to be like this today, we've got 30 mins to get ready, he doesn't normally wake up and behave like this unless he is very tired". Consequently DH then flips out, says he isn't coming and he is going to move out. In amongst all that DH asks if I want him to come and I say yes come if you can control your temper, don't come if you are going to be angry, creating a bad atmosphere. He then storms out.
DS goes to school fine, but hasn't eaten any breakfast because he was in such a state.
Ordinarily i'm firm with him but this morning I would have dealt with it differently to avoid the meltdown.

Sounds like everyone is tired and aggy. To be honest I see this as a kiss and make up situation, nothing worth breaking up a family over.

Does he often threaten to move out? Seems like a very extreme reaction.

Why do both need to take him to the preschool? It will unsettled him if you make a big fuss. Why were both of you up losing sleep? You should take it in turns.

Tiredness and a stroppy, tired, anxious child doesn’t bring out the best in anyone. Discuss things when everyone has had some sleep. 🙂

I'm sorry.. seems like both boys in your house were acting like 3 year olds today....

Arsey thing for your husband to do. The morning was about your son. Who was tired and most likely excited /anxious/ overwhelmed/ scared etc etc about starting at a new place. I too would have cut your son some slack.

I hope he has a wonderful day!! (And let the school know he hasn't eaten- they maybe able to give him some fruit..)

Call DH’s bluff. Tell him to bugger off and not come back unless he can behave like a grown up. You can do without a great big sulky baby to deal with.

You are all tired and stressed. You are all on edge. DH’s stress doesn’t top yours. He deals with it or he leaves. Tell him to grow up.

I tried very hard to have kids with someone who wasn't emotionally immature.

It's a shame he couldn't have put your ds first in this scenario.

He sounds like a dick. I do think you made too much of a deal out of pre school though. It's not good for kids to have a big fuss around transitions and teaches them to feel anxious as the adults in their lives make it bigger than it needs to be.

Quite an extreme reaction. Getting ready on the first day back is always tense for everyone though but as stressed as we are I wouldn't expect that threat from DH. I'd perhaps talk with him this evening once DS is in bed and things are calmer.

I might also gently suggest if DS has slept awfully to not fly a million and one questions when you pick him up today. Restraint collapse will be full on. I see so many parents on the first day ask constant questions, chivvy them along and get in their faces on pick up. They then wonder why they are having a major meltdown on the walk home from over stimulation. I know with my own DS3 I kind of just have to not talk to him (awful I know) if I actually want to walk home with him using his own legs. Talk to him and it's like sensory overload and he just sits on the pavement grunting and refusing to move 🤣.

I can see why your DH was upset. If you disagreed with how he was handling it you should have discussed it later rather than undermining him at the time. Saying he's going to move out as a result is a massive overreaction though unless there are other issues in your relationship. Hopefully you will all get more sleep tonight and everyone will feel more rational tomorrow.

Yes tiredness does bring out the worst in people but your DH could have walked out of the room to calm down. What's the point of a time out that hour in the morning, a warning should have been enough, all it did was made your child miss breakfast so he went to his first day at school tired and hungry. If you were there doing it I'm sure things would have run differently.

@bringincrazyback no he doesn't. But he does suffer from depression and often it manifests as anger. Yesterday we were supposed to leave in the morning for a family day out and it took an hour to get everything/one ready. 5 mins before we get ready to leave DS says he doesn't want to go. DH flips out and starts shouting, DS is crying hysterically. DH then storms off to the gym.
Again, i get its frustrating but I would have handled it differently and just taken DS out of the house. Once we are out, he's fine. So i spent the morning with DS for a few hours and DH joined later.

I do think we are probably all a bit ratty. But i can empathise with DS because i've been up with him for 2 nights and i'm tired and grumpy too, whilst DH has slept through it all.

Your DH needs to learn to control himself.

Is he on anti depressants? My husband has depression and he isn't angry.

Feel really sorry for your Ds. He’s clearly worried and stressed about starting school. Your dh was an arse.

Oh god your update is worse, so your DH wasn't even up with your ds during the night 😔

I live with one of these. I was hoping things would get easier with time. But now the children are 13, it seems to be even worse. We all walk around on egg shells in a permanent state of anxiety. It's depressing.

I'd be having serious words with your DH - threatening to move out in ear shot of a child who can understand is abusive. You might shrug it off but your poor child is now at preschool wondering if daddy will still live with him. And if it hasn't gone in this time then it may well next time. Do not let him get away with it.

@TheyWentToSeaInASieve yeh that's exactly how I feel. I am quite open with him about how it makes me feel but all he can say is he's depressed. He had a mental breakdown 3 years ago, spent 6 weeks in hospital and has seen a psychiatrist and therapist ever since. Occasionally I see his therapist too with and without him. But both her and I have noticed a change in his mental health.
I have discussed separating with him, which is the last thing I want to do but it's really hard when he behaves like this. He says I don't understand what its like to have depression. But to be honest life is alot easier when he isn't around.

Your DH sounds like a stroppy idiot. However, why do you both need to take him? Much easier in our household when just one of us does (normally me) otherwise too stressful rushing around on what is probably already a stressful day. Reminds me of when our grandparents once came to stay and they insisted on both taking DD to school and the dog 😂. Never seen so much faff and stress just leaving the house. But on a serious note, is this a one off from DH or is he often like this?

he does suffer from depression and often it manifests as anger

Bullshit.

I'd tell him no, don't come, stay here & pack a couple of bags to take with you,. You can collect the rest later.

I would not be putting up with his threats or tantrums.

you were both being unreasonable about the toys, he's 3, he's not slept well. You've made a big fuss about a new setting - so he's worrying, what would it really have mattered if he'd tipped the toys out? Yes it's messy, but a lot less of a drama than this!!

The three-year/old is expected to be a model citizen while he has big nuclear tantrum himself

I wouldn’t have made such a big deal over starting nursery personally. I understand it’s a big deal for you but it sounds like you have worked up your DS, hence him not sleeping for two nights. He’s only three so didn’t really need the anticipation of it, as though it’s some sort of big event. I don’t think both of you needed to drop him off personally either.

Your DH behaved like a dick though, yes. Threatening to move out is extreme. Guessing he’s just knackered and hopefully he apologises when he’s calmed down.

I wouldn’t want him around my child. You can still have a relationship and be married with him living somewhere else, to protect your child from this shitty environment.