First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

[Aperolling28]

First day for DS (3) starting a new preschool. He woke up last night for 3 hours in the middle of the night so we were both awake. We had the same thing the night before so he was shattered and grumpy this morning.
The plan was that we would both take him on his first day. So whilst i'm getting ready, I could hear DH shouting at DS "do not tip the basket of toys over, it makes lots of mess, do not do that, I said no, you will go on time out, right thats it, time out". Toys get tipped over, DS is screaming, he gets put on time out.
My AIBU is that I then intervene and say to my DH, cut him some slack - its his first day at school, he's only 3, he hasn't slept properly for 2 nights, he was always going to be like this today, we've got 30 mins to get ready, he doesn't normally wake up and behave like this unless he is very tired". Consequently DH then flips out, says he isn't coming and he is going to move out. In amongst all that DH asks if I want him to come and I say yes come if you can control your temper, don't come if you are going to be angry, creating a bad atmosphere. He then storms out.
DS goes to school fine, but hasn't eaten any breakfast because he was in such a state.
Ordinarily i'm firm with him but this morning I would have dealt with it differently to avoid the meltdown.

Sounds like you’ve both handled the situation badly. Your husband has totally over-reacted, but you’ve also made such a big hype of starting nursery that is totally not needed.

Have you noticed that other peoples milestones are turned into the focus on your husband? If my timing is right he had a breakdown when your son was born and now is having one when he goes to nursery? I hope your son won’t have all his milestones marred by his father.

This is not going to get better.

Do you want your son to grow up around an adult who cannot control his anger/tantrums? I certainly wouldn't.

You may not understand what it's like for him.

But he clearly doesn't understand the impact that his behaviour is having on you and your son.

These angry outbursts are going to condition your 3 year-old to learn that Daddy is someone that needs to be tip-toed around, that he's volatile and inconsistent and therefore not a consistent figure in his life. And that he needs to moderate himself around Daddy, because otherwise Daddy will get angry and threaten to leave.

If he is struggling with his mental health so badly that he can't control his behaviour then he needs to live somewhere else. The cynic in me says that I bet he doesn't behave like this at work though.

@Hmmmmamilucky i think for context today felt like a big deal for us because we had put our son into a montessori preschool last year and he hated it, we had loads of problems, the school said they thought DS had autism, they couldn't cope and eventually we parted ways. It was stressful and upsetting. We are overseas and think the language barrier didn't help. But DS has had an assessment and we are awaiting results. To be honest I don't think he does or if he does he is very high functioning.

Over the last couple of months he has really changed, made lots of progress and I think alot of the issues we had at the old school were down to him being too young, general 3 year old behaviour, and in the wrong setting. In the interim he went to a small English preschool and loved it, no issues.
So today really felt like a fresh start. He had already been to the orientation day. DH works remotely so it was easy enough for him to join.

Or be single.
It's the best.

This is really poor parenting from both of you. Your little boy is only 3. What a lot of needless drama and anxiety you have created. Your DH is immature and very selfish. I suppose you have to decide whether things would be calmer/ easier without him.

Has he talked with his therapist specifically about ways to manage his (seemingly very misplaced, in the examples you've given) anger and other overwhelming emotions? He seems to lose all perspective and context and just let loose. And he seems to have no concept of how a child thinks and cats, despite having had one for three plus years. Obviously I don't know his exact condition, but there are techniques and tools he can at least try to learn.

Overtired or not, married or single, this should be a HUGE priority for him. He's probably scaring the wits out of DS, and he's putting hugely unfair burden on you when he has just as much responsibility for parenting. What if you'd BOTH had tantrums and BOTH decided to move out and leave DS to go to his first day of school alone? What if you'd both stormed out to the gym, the previous morning, and left a 3yo alone crying? It's just not an option.

If he is seriously thinking of leaving, it's even more important that he get it together so he can be a competent parent as he'll be doing his part of it solo.

Making a big hype over a big day does not equate to threatening to leave your family in front of a 3 year old. One is maybe a little bit OTT, but well intentioned and unlikely to cause harm. The other is abusive.

I'll let you decide which is which

What a way to send your child off to school, your DH sounds like a total prick.

You DC at the age of 3 will already be starting to learn to walk on eggshells around daddy.

Is that what you want?

I have to agree with this and I wouldn't leave DS alone with your DH either.

Your children can't continue to live with his explosive anger over nothing. Especially when it's aimed at them.

@LadyPenelope68 i'm not following. In what way did i create a big hype about my son starting preschool that he would have felt. As far as he's concerned mummy got him dressed and took him to school like normal, its just a new school. I didn't make a big deal out of it to him.
I just would have preferred my DH hadn't shouted at him this morning so he might have eaten his breakfast and gone in feeling happy rather than upset.
By the time we had walked to school and got there he had calmed down, and ran straight in which was great

My husband does this, overreacts at the slightest and then turns on me. After he has shouted for a bit and got it out of his system he calms down, but I feel
awful afterwards as all I’ve done is absorb his anger from him. It’s shattering and soul destroying.

Your DH seems like a bit of an arsehole, who blames you and expects you to take responsibility for a 3 year old being 3 years old. He is being a crap parent and having depression doesn't give him a free pass to be so selfish. He needs to be sat down and told a few home truths.

It's hypocritical, isn't it, that a 3 year old boy is being held to higher standards than an adult man. 3 year old isn't allowed a tantrum or poor behaviour on the morning of starting a new school but a grown adult is allowed to storm out.

(You're not the hypocritical one, OP - your DH is. He is the one holding himself to lower standards than his 3 year old child.)

I think he’s an idiot for storming off but don’t undermine him in front of your child, it’s just going to cause problems down the line. Take him aside if you’re not happy how he handles things but it doesn’t sound like he was OTT, kids tipping out a load of toys is very frustrating

Your DH is a dickhead. I'd gladly let him leave because that's no way to act in front of a child. No wonder he's had previous issues at school it's probably learned behavior from his Dad.

This is perceptive. I called your DH a big sulky man baby. But this poster has got to the real, grown up reason behind his behaviour.

I’ve been depressed to the point of suicidal ideation. (Years ago now). But I’ve never had a tantrum in front of my children or made everything about me.

What a horrible start for the little lad’s first day at a new pre school.

I think you should have both ignored the overturned toy box (even if just for once) and focused on having breakfast.

@Zanatdy i didn't say to him that i disagreed with him infront of my DS. I told him that in another room. But i did go in to give my DS a cuddle because he was inconsolable and also because someone needed to get him ready for school.

Your dh sounds like an aggressive arsehole who uses depression as an excuse to have angry outbursts and piss off for “me time” whenever he feels like it.

Thats the upshot of it, really it is, and it probably won’t get better. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to stay with this man child or not. Can you imagine if YOU had a meltdown and stormed off every time something happened you didn’t like? It just wouldn’t happen would it?

Also look up narcissistic personality disorder (and covert narcissism) as I’m getting narc-y vibes from your dh’s behaviour. They often hate when everything isn’t about them and create a nasty situation to revert attention back to themselves.

@theworldie yes i know his therapist told me he had a narcissistic personality disorder. He has alot of mental health issues that he struggles with. Its really hard. I'm trying to navigate through it all.

So it's justifiable to threaten to leave your family because kids make a mess??? Wow. That's a low bar you've set there