First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

[Aperolling28]

First day for DS (3) starting a new preschool. He woke up last night for 3 hours in the middle of the night so we were both awake. We had the same thing the night before so he was shattered and grumpy this morning.
The plan was that we would both take him on his first day. So whilst i'm getting ready, I could hear DH shouting at DS "do not tip the basket of toys over, it makes lots of mess, do not do that, I said no, you will go on time out, right thats it, time out". Toys get tipped over, DS is screaming, he gets put on time out.
My AIBU is that I then intervene and say to my DH, cut him some slack - its his first day at school, he's only 3, he hasn't slept properly for 2 nights, he was always going to be like this today, we've got 30 mins to get ready, he doesn't normally wake up and behave like this unless he is very tired". Consequently DH then flips out, says he isn't coming and he is going to move out. In amongst all that DH asks if I want him to come and I say yes come if you can control your temper, don't come if you are going to be angry, creating a bad atmosphere. He then storms out.
DS goes to school fine, but hasn't eaten any breakfast because he was in such a state.
Ordinarily i'm firm with him but this morning I would have dealt with it differently to avoid the meltdown.

That’s all very well but I wouldn’t have commented at all if I had known it was such a complicated relationship issue. I thought it was a childcare issue. I know a lot more about children than I do about men. Glad you’ve got what you needed from the post all the same.

This isn’t anything to do with depression. It is to do with finding out how much he can do before you start to fight back

Be very very careful of the type of person he is presenting you as.
Friends already think he is a completely different person

wouldn't stay in a marriage like this but I also wouldn't walk away without knowing we had tried everything

Who is doing the trying?

It takes 2 people to make a marriage work.

No matter how hard you try if 1 spouse isn’t bothered and has their own agenda then the other should stop wasting their time.

GivingitToGod the OP’s DH gave the timeout, not the OP.

Bumblebeestiltskin timeouts can definitely work - just watch Supernanny.

If his therapist has said that he has NPD have you read up on it Op? That’s a huge, huge thing and if you had your own therapist they would tell you to run, run, run - not only for your own sake but for your child’s.

Most sensible answer I have seen - and one I had not thought of, but so true!

He was overreacting but I can see why he’s upset. You are both his parents equally so even though you wouldn’t have made the same call, it’s unfair for you to criticise his parenting decision (unless he was to do something that is harmful/cruel to a child- a time-out isn’t IMO). How would you feel if he judged something you said or did to your child?

@MirandaJH well i'm not going to agree with something if I don't think it was the right call. Parenting is a 2 way street. If he didn't like the way I parented or dealt with something then I hope we would be able to talk it through and come up with a solution.

In this instance we had 30 mins to get ready and leave the house and I would have tried to divert DS before the meltdown happened. He was very tired from not having slept well the night before. As mentioned previously, he has had an assessment for autism and we are still awaiting the conclusion. But DS appears to get completely overwhelmed emotionally and takes longer than his peers to calm down, hence why I would have preferred to avoid this on his first day at a new preschool with a new routine. He also struggles with change/transition.
I am probably more in tune with him that my DH because i'm a SAHM and do 99% of everything for my son. But I am also one person and really just needed DH to watch DS for 5 mins so I too could get ready.

@thestudio yes I did read about it. I wondered if that was what she was trying to tell me. I messaged her yesterday and asked her to reach out to DH if he hadn't already to arrange an appointment so she is. And he is seeing his psychiatrist next week as both DH and I think he probably needs to go back on his meds. He has apologised but only when prompted.

I do think now it was a bit odd for his therapist to request a 1 to 1 with me, given that it his therapist and that might be a conflict of interests. But yes, in hindsight I think she was telling me it was ok to walk away and that things likely won't change. She also said he didn't have any empathy which I notice. And he's paranoid alot. It was alot to take in and I wanted to see how things were over the summer, on holiday etc but to be honest if anything it's felt worse.

I'm not one to make rash decisions, it's not easy as i'm overseas but i'm looking at all of my options.

Well maybe he could practice being a more effective parent instead of a big bully looking to dominate 3 year olds.

The husband’s task was to get the child ready for pre-school in the available time. But he chose he to waste time on the stand-off/time out /screaming child because that was his personal goal. To maximize the unpleasantness for others because… that’s who he is.

You have assumed good intent on behalf of the husband whereas anyone who has lived with this dynamic (and therefore is not hopelessly naive) is fully aware of what is actually happening. How many more times do you think DH will be getting child ready before OP gets the message that it’s actually her responsibility? My guess is the child will have got a telling off from him for being a baby crying/upsetting daddy/ needing to do what he’s told.

The fact he is defending the indefensible shows you what’s happening.

Apparently your child was inconsolable

That's a pretty big deal

He obviously can't be left with his father who is a total wanker

You might as well be a single parent ....life would be way simpler on the anger and emotional fronts

If he doesn’t have any empathy then I can’t imagine this will ever be a healthy relationship for your son. He needs good male role models. Have you got family in Britain who you could move closer to? It’s difficult being a single parent but at least you wouldn’t be walking on eggshells and your son will have good relationships.

Its perfectly legal and responsible for the therapist to give you a one on one session if you have been included in sessions with your DH previously (which I believe you were). There is also something called “duty to warn” which therapists take quite seriously which is we have a duty to warn if our patient has indicated they can orcwill harm another person.

Your DH’s therapist gave you his diagnosis because its so serious you can’t have a normal, safe, marriage with him. His paranoia, npd, lack of empathy make him a poor candidate for marriage and fatherhood. Get outcas fast as you safely can. Don’t worry that other people like him. Just shrug and say “horses for courses.”

"Undermining his parenting"
Sorry wtf if someone, anyone, whether it's his Dad or anyone else is disproportionately SHOUTING at my child I will DEFEND my child that isn't undermining that's PROTECTING!
And yes I'm only human and I've raised my voice in the past- and apologised immediately not stormed off in a fucking pathetic hissy fit, threatened to leave and made everyone feel uncomfortable for the rest of the day. Sorry but he's a cunt.

quite a few parents do the school run together (always makes me a bit jealous as a single parent!)

Really? Be thankful you don't have a man like OP's partner around.

I grew up my son as a single parent and he turned out just fine. Better that than a grown-up child parent making it all about himself.

Feel so sorry for that poor wee 3-year-old boy. He's going to grow up a troubled child.

Since your husband has diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder, his personality is fixed and this is who he is and will be. Its exacerbated by his depression, but he will always be very difficult to live with. Who decided to stop his medication? There is absolutely nothing you have said that indicates that he is working on himself at all. I'm surprised so much therapy and support is available to him. Do you have a health insurance system where you live? Is he actually trying to help himself at all?

The relief of leaving a narcissist is immense. Your life will be so much easier without him. You need to protect your son. Your partner will not do this. You deserve a happy life OP.

One small thing - I would ask his therapist whether he expresses a lot of hostility towards you or your child in the care setting and whether he thoughts of harming you or your child. Remind them that your aim to safeguard your child. This will impact on your options.

You definitely need your own therapist, completely separate to your H's care.