First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

[Aperolling28]

First day for DS (3) starting a new preschool. He woke up last night for 3 hours in the middle of the night so we were both awake. We had the same thing the night before so he was shattered and grumpy this morning.
The plan was that we would both take him on his first day. So whilst i'm getting ready, I could hear DH shouting at DS "do not tip the basket of toys over, it makes lots of mess, do not do that, I said no, you will go on time out, right thats it, time out". Toys get tipped over, DS is screaming, he gets put on time out.
My AIBU is that I then intervene and say to my DH, cut him some slack - its his first day at school, he's only 3, he hasn't slept properly for 2 nights, he was always going to be like this today, we've got 30 mins to get ready, he doesn't normally wake up and behave like this unless he is very tired". Consequently DH then flips out, says he isn't coming and he is going to move out. In amongst all that DH asks if I want him to come and I say yes come if you can control your temper, don't come if you are going to be angry, creating a bad atmosphere. He then storms out.
DS goes to school fine, but hasn't eaten any breakfast because he was in such a state.
Ordinarily i'm firm with him but this morning I would have dealt with it differently to avoid the meltdown.

Christ @Aperolling28 your updates get worse.

You need to leave. He is treating you like shit and your son will start to suffer soon enough.

You need to go. If he gets treatment and takes it seriously then great, maybe things can change in the future, but this is toxic and it’s not fair on your child.

You’ve got to put your son before your DH. He clearly isn’t going to, so you need to step up.

Jesus some of these responses... the poor kid didn't need shouting at in that moment, anyone who's read ANYTHING about child psychology can see that. Your DH sounds like a prick, creating an awful atmosphere just because he's not getting what he wants. No need to be angry at a 3 year old of his first day at school and ruin it for everyone, he sounds immature.

Your poor child. Please don’t enable this abuse

This is horrible for you. He needs to learn to communicate better. He needs to want to change. I can't believe you do everything and he STILL behaves like this.

Can you afford to leave, financially? If not I'd start preparing as much as you can.

Both your DH and DS sound very overwhelmed. Difference is your DH is an adult and should try his absolute best to disguise when he’s feeling overwhelmed, walk away when he feels it coming on. Take a few deep breaths, go for a walk. I say this as a person who gets easily overwhelmed with two children who are the same as me. In the past it can be a nightmare when we all hit peak overwhelm at the same time (usually when we’re anxious or in a rush to get somewhere) but I’ve learnt that if I lose control it makes things worse not better. Gently say this to your DH and step in when you see he’s starting to lose it, that’s what my DH does and I really appreciate it. Work as a team. Try not to do too much, that’s what sets us all off. Slow the pace of your life as much as you possibly can.

I’ve been in a very similar situation. It almost destroyed me. Eventually I left because I saw my dd trying to protect me and knew I had to get her out. I didn’t want her to think that relationship was normal. From what you have said, you HAVE tried everything that’s reasonable and you’ve seen no positive changes from him.

My ex also got very upset when I left, and previously when I said how unhappy his behaviour made me- but he also wasn’t prepared to change anything. He could turn on the tears when he needed to and that was easier than actually addressing his own behaviour; nothing he promised was ever deeper than lip service. Actions speak far louder than words, your OH seems to be taking actions which keep him in control of you and your son by having you walking on eggshells and constantly trying, impossibly, to manage his moods. Manipulating you and keeping you off balance.

The sooner you can leave him the sooner you and your son can begin to heal- you can counter the damage his father has done by being reliable, calm, and safe; by validating his feelings; by being the parent you already are.

A 3 year old getting shouted at and a time out consequence for tipping a few toys out of a basket?!
sounds very dramatic and over reaction. You are all feeling tired and grumpy, regroup this evening and reset.
You need to pick your battles, have a good morning routine in place and your DH needs to grow up!
There will be many more challenges on busy work / nursery drop off mornings, a few toys out of a basket is really NOT a big deal

I think you manchilds problem this morning was that he wasn't centre of attention, this day was about your son starting pre-school and not about him. I bet if you look back his outbursts are when the day is about someone else.

I'm so sorry. It must be so hard having to parent two grumpy toddlers.

Frightening a little child at a very stressful time in his short life is unacceptable.

Your husband needs to learn how to be a father. It isn't a natural talent - is there training available?

Threatening to move out seems extreme.

You mention your child may be autistic - as it's genetic, has this been looked into for your husband?

If he won't address his own problems, you must consider your child's and your own wellbeing as priority.

His primary focus must be on taking responsibility for his own mental health and behavioural issues.

Time to talk.

If he has actually been diagnosed with NPD then please leave.

You are fighting a losing battle and unless he works extraordinarily hard and keeps himself on a tight leash then its likely he will only get worse.

Depression and all the rest are red herrings.
NPD completely changes any other advice I may have had for you.

I think from all you have said, the best solution here would be for your DH to move out. You have a child who is going to be extra sensitive to his behaviours, especially if he's on the spectrum. His outbursts and storming out every time there's an "issue" won't help a child who needs stability and routine. You need to create a nurturing environment where your son feels safe. This won't happen with DH around.
Your DH needs to concentrate on his behaviour and how he treats others and that can't be done whilst living together. He needs to see the consequences of his actions.
If you still want a relationship then continue seeing his therapist but I'd also look into actual relationship counselling. Something that also puts you and your feelings as a priority. If this isn't something he can agree to, or if he offers ultimatums such as if he moves out the relationship is over, then you know he's not committed to improving his behaviour for the sake of you and your son. You cannot be the one constantly fighting to keep the peace.

He is an adult and he needs to take control of his actions and in the meantime you can use the time apart to concentrate on your son. It may be worth looking into parenting courses around behaviour in sen children. They don't work for everyone but even if you take one thing away that helps then they're worth it.

X

All this bollocks about "undermining". Aside from the fact that OP maturely said this to her DH in another room, as a discussion point for two adults parenting a child, what about this father undermining a three year old's hugely important sense of security in the family and home? Threatening to LEAVE? That's horrifying for a young child to countenance. Once again we see this man being held to the lowest standards of everyone in the house.

Sounds to me like you have both caused the situation by making too much of “first day at new school”. The anxiety comes from you not the child and this is the result. In future try and make everything as calm as possible so your child can learn to accept change as a natural part of life and not always a big deal.

And as for the dad, my DH always used to say that if the survival of the human race had depended on parents being rational after a broken night’’s sleep we wouldn’t have lasted very long.

To our friends hes very extroverted, charming, the life and soul of the party, personable. But at home its a like a pendulum, i don't know what mood he is going to be in, day to day. When i spoke to his therapist she said that it was his battle to deal with and I need to stop trying to manage it or it will impact my mental health.

Yes, it's his battle but it impacts you. However, it seems that he can manage perfectly well when with friends. That suggests some degree of control rather than "can't help being like this".
He may well have depression but it's destroying the relationship. Can he get medication? Would he consider other ways of managing it? Because if not, I can't see that things are going to magically improve.

Ah @AlertCat , the tears and the promising, it means nothing does it? My XH did that in front of our son, on the day I made him move out, repeatedly telling DS that this was Mummy making this happen, he didn't want to go.

@Aperolling28 this kind of behaviour knows no bounds, in an effort to get his own way I suspect your DH will stop at nothing to manipulate you (threatening to take his own life will be next, I had that as well) and, like me, it sounds like you have tried to understand, and tried everything, already. Even his own therapist is warning you - as much as they are allowed to do.

Use what strength you have to get you and DS away from him, whether you leave or he does...and don't waste any more energy trying to understand or help him, because he doesn't want either of those to work, or he'd have to change how he behaves. And all it does it keep all the focus on him and his needs, which is what he wants.

There is a happier and more fulfilled life away from him I promise, me and my DS are living it.

Way to drip feed!

His therapist actually TOLD you he had npd. And...you stayed? What the hell op have you not got google?

If someone told you your partner is a psychopath, would you stay? Because that's basically what she told you. Npd is a side step from it. It's neither worse nor better. Just a few slight changes. It not 'mental illness'. It's a just a term for his awful personality.

I was reading your op thinking he sounded like a narcissist who called 'depression!' (as many of them do) to get you to jump through hoops and kiss his ass. To always remain the centre of attention and have his bs excused. That it was no coincidence it happened around the child's birth as narcissists are often jealous of their children.

But the therapist has told you he's a narcissist and you're still with him!

Let him go ffs!

This sounds really tricky. Firstly to the posters calling bull shit on the impact of depression / poor mental health on people’s behaviour they probably haven’t lived with/ known/ worked with people with poor mental health! However, it sounds like you are trying to juggle everything and giving him a lot of consideration for behaviour that is detrimental to you and your little boy. I Wonder whether the only way your DH will start to make changes is if he is away from the home, you and your son? I think with what you have described you and your little boy are treading on egg shells and this isn’t sustainable… Is there any way you could have a break with him staying elsewhere? Do the professional network know the impact on you and your little boy? I also wonder as you have mentioned your little boy having autism possibly if anyone has talked about this being an attachment difficulty linked to his dad’s mental health?

sending you lots of love as it sounds so so tricky x

You know that life would be much better, calmer and safer if you split up with DH.

I think you should get some legal advice, you don’t have to act on it immediately, but you will feel better prepared.

It really isn’t fair on you or DS to have to live like this. 💐

OP - you said that it is a cycle that seems to be happening more frequently. You are right in what you have noticed. It is the cycle of abuse though, nothing to do with his mental health - depression is irrelevant, he is abusive because he chooses to be and he is in full and absolute control of his emotions, and that is why he is not verbally abuse to anyone else, just to you and your child.

Make a plan to leave and be prepared for every type of manipulation there is, including talk of suicide or apparent attempts. Do not be swayed. He is already causing your child to feel unsettled, uncertain and scared, no wonder he is awake at night.

"I'm moving out" is such a childish response. It's like what kids say when they're told off "I'm running away" packing their little backpack with some crisps and a banana 😂

Thanks, Sigmund.

Just pack his bags and push him out of the door. Life is too short to put up with this shit.

Ah , the tears and the promising, it means nothing does it? My XH did that in front of our son, on the day I made him move out, repeatedly telling DS that this was Mummy making this happen, he didn't want to go.

Absolutely this. For months he would cry every time I picked dd up from his, he wanted to talk to her on the phone and tell her he missed her… she was barely 3, it was so inappropriate. And all about him. If he had had any genuine desire to avoid that situation he would have stepped up much earlier on. (And when we were living with him, he had very little interest in doing the things like bathtume, bedtime, which he then claimed to miss so badly.) What he wanted was the status of fatherhood, with wife & child in his house so that he always knew what we were doing. That loss of control was what really hurt him- the histrionics were another way of trying to regain some control. Grey rock is the only way with these men, as hard as that is. Just be unemotional and stick to facts, not get drawn in to the drama because that will give him back the upper hand and he’ll manipulate you again.

I'm somewhat surprised that his therapist has apparently diagnosed him with NPD and hasn't advised you explicitly to end the relationship. I'm more surprised that you didn't Google it and consequently run.

In massively simplified terms he is the lead character in the movie of his life and you, and your DS, only exist to fulfil the minor character roles he expects. If anything about you or the circumstances does not precisely fit his expectations then this will result in rage, either internalised (sulking) or externalised (shouting, in your case).

Get out now, you and your DS deserve better than this treatment and your H is genuinely incapable of providing it.

Honestly, OP, others have said it much better so I'm just going to add, that's no way for you and your child to live. Call his bluff, tell him to go right ahead and move out. Start a new life for yourself and your child.