First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

[Aperolling28]

First day for DS (3) starting a new preschool. He woke up last night for 3 hours in the middle of the night so we were both awake. We had the same thing the night before so he was shattered and grumpy this morning.
The plan was that we would both take him on his first day. So whilst i'm getting ready, I could hear DH shouting at DS "do not tip the basket of toys over, it makes lots of mess, do not do that, I said no, you will go on time out, right thats it, time out". Toys get tipped over, DS is screaming, he gets put on time out.
My AIBU is that I then intervene and say to my DH, cut him some slack - its his first day at school, he's only 3, he hasn't slept properly for 2 nights, he was always going to be like this today, we've got 30 mins to get ready, he doesn't normally wake up and behave like this unless he is very tired". Consequently DH then flips out, says he isn't coming and he is going to move out. In amongst all that DH asks if I want him to come and I say yes come if you can control your temper, don't come if you are going to be angry, creating a bad atmosphere. He then storms out.
DS goes to school fine, but hasn't eaten any breakfast because he was in such a state.
Ordinarily i'm firm with him but this morning I would have dealt with it differently to avoid the meltdown.

Your child is 3... And i assume a tiny size compared to your husband....can you imagine being shouted at by someone that much bigger than you so much you are inconsolable..... And then being threatened...

Seriously this is not good for your child.....i would be taking him at his word and asking him not to come back.... Until he can control himself... His mental health needs do not outweigh the damage he is doing to your childs..

I was surprised that it seemed a big thing. I am not surprised about the Montessori school. The idea that each child builds itself and re-invents the wheel to progress undermines a child's sense of self and of order - discovery learning, finding the learning within oneself, working at a pace at unco-ordinated tasks etc. is deeply disturbing when it's not how learning works.

I'd begin by asking him to read articles about the behaviour & developmental stages of pre- school children. If the child has autistic traits it might be worthwhile to add some personal research into the mix and try to make sense of it all. It sounds like your DH isn't coping as well as he could with this stage of parenting.

OP, god help you and god help your child.

One word answers gor 10 days.
Who cares what is wrong with him.
You are being abused.
Your child is being abused.
Every day.
Reach out to family and friends.
Get the hell away from him.
He is not a project for you to fix.
Please put your child first and start organising yourself to get away from this highly abusive man.

But then went on to give reasons why he was justified. There was no justification for his twattish behaviour.

I can't help noticing that it was the son who got a 'time out' while it was the father who needed it. He now needs a very long time out.

And actually the OP was pretty restrained with her ‘yes, but only if you control your temper’. I’d have said ‘no I don’t want you to come, when you’re behaving like that’.

I’m sorry op, but your DH is a really shit parent and partner by the sounds of it. Your son is 3. Getting screamed at (twice in a couple of days) by someone who’s supposed to love and protect you is really shitty. Do you want him growing up terrified of his father? Repressing his emotions, because he knows that when he tries to articulate his feelings he is going to end up abused emotionally and verbally (possibly worse if you aren’t around to intervene). I don’t think I would want that for my child op. An old colleague of mine had a DM diagnosed with NPD and it really messed her up. I knew her in her early 50s and she was still processing the impact her mother had had on her.

I don’t know .. life would be easier alone than with him !! he’s hard work and a shit dad

OP I've only read your own posts so it's possible someone else has mentioned this. But please be very careful about the possibility of splitting up abroad with a child in the mix. If you wanted to return to the UK with your DS it could get very messy. Is there any chance you could all move back now and see how things go on home turf so you are more protected if things go south?

OP I have known several people who have been clinically depressed but that's no excuse for being angry and aggressive with a 3 year old. I know lack of sleep makes people uptight but you have not had much sleep but you don't take it out on a 3 year old. I'd be telling DH to wake up to himself. He's risking losing his family with his tantrums. His DS must be terrified when his Dad shouts at him. It's not fair on the 3 year old.

Hope you're OK. Of the three of you I'd say you bore the brunt and had the worse morning, the beauty of being a 3 year old and an asshole man is they're over it by now

Your DH has been diagnosed with NPD and is emotionally abusing you and your child.

You need to leave.

My adopted dad has NPD.

My self esteem barely recovered and I spend years in hospital for anorexia in my teens/twenties.

You need to protect your son.
My brother is exactly like his Dad. Would you want your son to turn out like him?

Thanks @alertcat And @thatscute that makes sense!

@Aperolling28 I'm not going to repeat what has been said here and many PP have a lot of experience in MH issues that I don't.
But I also live abroad where neither me nor DH have family (apart from our DC) and I wanted to add that before considering divorce/splitting, check what the custody situation would be.
Since your DS was born there and you've all lived there ever since, that ia his country of residence and depending which country that is (but in most cases) a Court would rule that you couldn't just take him back to the UK. Meaning you would need to keep living there so the father would also have access to the son.
Good luck

Having depression doesn’t excuse bad behaviour. Threatening to leave the home in front of your child is abusive. I grew up with a dad who had untreated mental health issues, was angry and volatile, completely unpredictable and behaved very similarly to what you’re describing. It was a horrible existence, walking on eggshells and never feeling safe or relaxed in the one place I should have been able to. I remember coming home from school every day and starting to feel sick when I turned the corner to my street, not knowing what I was going to walk into. Would he be angry and shouting? Would he blank me? My siblings and I have struggled with the effects of this into adulthood. Please don’t allow this to happen to your son.

I gave no justification for his behaviour. It was unjustified. Think you're mistaking me for someone else.

Do you want to go back to the UK? It sounds like that's the best place for you and your son.

So he can control himself (mask?) when required for extended periods? Sounds like a proper arse. Please get your poor child away from him. Does your ds have a British passport? Is his usual place of residence where yard now/can you leave and live independently?

Poor, poor 3 year old child.
New school, no sleep, no emotional regulation because he's THREE. No logical thoughts or actions because he's THREE.
Timeout for moving toys????
Poor, poor child!

@Aperolling28 "i don't know why you think there was some drama about DS first day. There wasn't any of my doing. Your son's first day at school was exactly my son's first day. I got my son dressed, packed his kit to take, and took him to school, he ran straight in, didn't look back and had a great morning. There were no tears last night or this morning related to going to school - he was upset by DS shouting at him. It is not uncommon for DH to drop off/pick up at preschool because he works remotely and is easily able to do so.
It was more of a big deal for us because 7 months ago we had DS enrolled into a montessori preschool and he hated it, cried every morning, didn't want to get dressed or leave the house and the school couldn't cope with him. He became withdrawn and it was a very stressful time. But thats in the past, he did eally well today."

This is all utterly irrelevant now. Stop focussing on it. It's a smokescreen.

The point is - you have had it professionally confirmed that your partner has a narcissistic personality disorder.

He consciously chooses to present Mr Nice Guy - everywhere but to the people he should be kindest to.

While he deliberately treats you both like shit.

Wake up, OP,

This man won't change.

But you have been choosing to expose your helpless little boy to this for three years.

Enabling his father to inflict this trauma on him.

His developing brain is being damaged by what he's observing and experiencing.

He will live with this damage for the rest of his life, and so will his future partner and children - if you don't adult up and do the one thing you need to do to protect him. And yourself.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

And it was an unusual situation, caused entirely by being over tired. Make up, forgive and set some things in place that ensures one parent gets some sleep every night, boundaries are always kept re child getting away with being bratty and not listening to a reasonable request by a parent.
Be more organised on school mornings, dressed, never miss breakfast (sometimes in car).

Your poor son, being subject to the maelstrom of his father's moods. It is little wonder that he sometimes presents as challenging. This is not an healthy environment for a child to be raised in, but you seem more preoccupied by treading on eggshells around your husband's mental illness and unpredictable behaviour.

After reading about your husband, I would insist on him doing an anger management course and a study on child development.
He should not be allowed to be ignorant about what a three year old is like and he should never be allowed to inflict his angry outburst on others - regardless of whether he is in full breakdown mode or not.
Yes, asking your child to cease throwing toys about was reasonable and your child should have stopped but to respond with an adult anger tantrum is not a fair response.

Your husband needs more options in his tool kit. He needs to learn from a professional, someone who has no emotionsl relationship with him.. He needs more skills ready for the future however it turn out.

Has your husband come back and managed to have a sensible conversation about this, OP?