First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

[Aperolling28]

First day for DS (3) starting a new preschool. He woke up last night for 3 hours in the middle of the night so we were both awake. We had the same thing the night before so he was shattered and grumpy this morning.
The plan was that we would both take him on his first day. So whilst i'm getting ready, I could hear DH shouting at DS "do not tip the basket of toys over, it makes lots of mess, do not do that, I said no, you will go on time out, right thats it, time out". Toys get tipped over, DS is screaming, he gets put on time out.
My AIBU is that I then intervene and say to my DH, cut him some slack - its his first day at school, he's only 3, he hasn't slept properly for 2 nights, he was always going to be like this today, we've got 30 mins to get ready, he doesn't normally wake up and behave like this unless he is very tired". Consequently DH then flips out, says he isn't coming and he is going to move out. In amongst all that DH asks if I want him to come and I say yes come if you can control your temper, don't come if you are going to be angry, creating a bad atmosphere. He then storms out.
DS goes to school fine, but hasn't eaten any breakfast because he was in such a state.
Ordinarily i'm firm with him but this morning I would have dealt with it differently to avoid the meltdown.

Your DH is a twat and a massive man-child. He needs to grow up, and think about what effect his actions are having on your son. He’s probably scared of his dad. It would probably be better for your son’s MH if his dad does move out.

I think this is an excellent post, and gets to the point well.

I had to "manage" my Ex for years. Well, I didn't HAVE to, I stupidly made that choice and my elder children suffer even now for my choice. My younger are far more balanced as I got out when they were 4/5.

Please don't be me and waste precious years.

@DoIWantTo the father wasn’t tired, he’d slept through the lot. He’s just a prick.

Narcissistic personality disorder is very serious and usually considered untreatable, because the people who have it refused to accept that there’s anything wrong with them. I don’t know if a therapist is qualified to diagnose this, that is a huge label to put on someone and as far as I’m aware, should only be diagnosed by a psychiatrist. If he actually has NPD, then I think your only healthy choice is to leave, if he does turn out to be one of the vanishingly rare people who seek treatment for it and actually get somewhere, then you could always get back together. But I suspect he doesn’t have a formal diagnosis? And if the therapist is throwing labels like that around it’s possible they have actually been quite unprofessional and maybe not delivered very good care

having a parent with poor mental health is considered an adverse childhood event and leads to poor outcomes for kids. Your partners untreated poor mental heath will damage both you and your son, and your partner who will have to live with the shame whether he feels it or represses it.

you have to let go of the idea of rescuing your unwell partner and caring for him. Your primary job has to be motherhood, your partner clearly isn’t able to be around your son at the moment without potentially losing his shit and is not supporting you, in an ideal world he would go somewhere else and work on that and have small amounts of contact which are more manageable, in an ideal world, you would emotionally move on and find somebody else, or just enjoy your sons childhood being a single parent, honestly, there are so many things about single parenthood which are beautiful and so much easier than living with the threat of emotional explosion. A serious question is why are you still there, are you afraid of being on your own, breaking up with family, losing the good side of your partner? Totally understandable, these are powerful forces but they will keep you in a bad situation if left unchecked

My dm suffered from depression and it got so bad that I would look forward to going into care when she was hospitalised as the whole household would be governed by what mood she was in

I no longer see my mother. I moved out at 16 and have been NC since I was barely out of my teens.

Having depression makes you selfish. It makes you angry if things don’t go perfectly.
My advice is cut dh loose now.
He can’t understand that he is dealing with a 3 year old. He can’t put his own ego aside for one short amount of time to understand that things should be as relaxed as possible for DS no matter what he does as he is tired and anxious and he is just inflaming situations

It will only get worse the older DS gets

The threatening to leave home really resonates with me OP as when DD15 was younger, DH would threaten to leave a lot & it was awful. It’s emotional abuse.

Sounds like it’s DH that needs ushering to pre-school!

I'm not sure . In the opening post Aperolling said they were both awake ,and it had happened the night before too ,and that's why DP was 'shattered and grumpy' but in an update she says he slept through it all .

I honestly couldn't cope with that. dh once (just the once!) got irritated when changing ds's nappy and it came out as swearing and huffing. I took over finished the job, settled ds then literally growled at dh "do not EVER make me feel like I need to protect him from you again" and stared him out.

It never happened again in 20 years. If it did he would have been under the patio (figuratively).

You need to take immediate steps to protect your ds from your dh's behaviour if this is regular, as it is unacceptable and damaging to treat children that way.

Without going into too much detail as we are still reeling from this ourselves, a family member who has a life threatening condition if not very carefully controlled, has recently heard from her consultant (that knew nothing about her trauma history) that they have seen previous damage on her brain during a MRI scan, and the type of damage is consistent with trauma such as living long term with a narcissist or abuse that has contributed to her condition.

Protect your child. Depression is no excuse to treat a child that way, your dh needs to put himself in time out when he is getting stressed and learn ways to control his temper.

‘Both awake’ meant her and her child.

This needs pointing out to him.

Yeah, telling someone who's already agitated when they ask you if you want something "yes, but only if you control your temper " is not exactly calming the situation is it? It comes off as a bit superior, in my experience, and likely to make things worse, even though he really shouldn't have been shouting in the first place. Sounds like everyone's really tired and in need of some rest.

Maybe people 'should' do what suits their family. Families do things differently. The OP was equally tired but managed to control her temper, so this is really about her DH behaving like a toddler himself and having a tantrum.

Leave your husband. You owe your child a happy childhood. He can’t choose who is around him, who’s shouting at him over tiny things, creating a bad atmosphere. You can choose this. He will grow up walking on eyeshells, trying to keep daddy happy, anxious about him exploding.

Your husband is an adult and can control his behaviour (I’m not saying it’s easy) but he doesn’t. He’s already on treatment, seeing therapists. There’s no shame in walking away, accepting it doesn’t work for you and your son. There is shame in not keeping your child away from that sort of behaviour.

@Aperolling28 , your comment about life being easier when your "D"H isn't there is something I have said many times since I left my abusive XH. He too cited depression as the reason for his anger and aggression, but would be fine at other times. I related that on a thread on here, only to have someone say "oh so depression is something you can switch on and off is it, he can be fine when he wants to be"...and that was a lightbulb moment for me, realising that he could contain his temper if he wanted to, but was choosing not to...and having DS squeak in fright at his father shouting at me is a memory I wish I didn't have. Get yourselves out of there love, or ask him to leave, and give him the ultimatum that he either sorts himself out or it'll be made permanent. You and DS deserve better.

Bit of a harsh response here???
Why say that?
My exDH developed depression and turned into an angry monster all the time.
Likely used the depression as an excuse but still didn't stop the tramp being angry at me and kids for no reason.

But he slept through whilst OP and her son were awake, so how come he can’t control his temper whilst she can? How come the small child facing a huge day is expected to behave but he can’t?

It’s all excuses for him.

@butterpuffed i was referring that both my son and I were awake. And that my son was shattered and grumpy.

Sounds like a standard "noone has slept" argument. It'll be forgotten by teatime. 3 kids - sure this isn't the first time the morning has defended into chaos 😳

honestly, there are so many things about single parenthood which are beautiful and so much easier than living with the threat of emotional explosion.

I can vouch for that. I had to leave my husband to protect my son, he's thriving as an adult now.

My heart breaks for that little 3-year-old boy being shouted at by his father.

Your child has gone to his first day at school, hungry, tired and upset.
You seem more concerned about your DH than your son.
DH needs to control his temper or leave. The emotional feelings of your child are important and he will remember how he felt on his first day.
Poor child.

I wonder if it’s possible that DH being an ineffectual dick, who prefers to escalate with a three year old to get out of doing what he doesn’t want to, is actually a pattern of behaviour?

Where one party is so immature that “says things he doesn’t mean” (which we normally call “talks shit”) then they have to accept that sometimes people lose respect for them, and decide it’s easier to free them to talk shit to someone else.

Yes OP, if he is otherwise decent let things calm down. But if he won’t take responsibility for his words and actions; refuses to discuss whether he thinks his actions are working in dealing with a tired three year old, and generally is prone to meltdowns then lock the door behind him and tell him to get to fuck.

@Tatiepot yes this is what I wonder. To our friends hes very extroverted, charming, the life and soul of the party, personable. But at home its a like a pendulum, i don't know what mood he is going to be in, day to day. When i spoke to his therapist she said that it was his battle to deal with and I need to stop trying to manage it or it will impact my mental health.
We went on holiday over the summer and for 10 days he wouldn't only speak to me with 1 or 2 word answers, basically didn't speak to me unless I asked a question. I could sense he was angry but he wouldn't tell me why. We holidayed in the same place as friends and he was 'normal' around them.
After 10 days I told him his behaviour was unacceptable and I didn't want to be married to someone like this and we should figure out how to separate and then he cried and apologised, said he was depressed, his behaviour was not ok, and I didn't ubderstand how he felt. Its a cycle that seems to be happening more frequently. I am looking at my options of leaving. I wouldn't stay in a marriage like this but I also wouldn't walk away without knowing we had tried everything. We have been under alot of stress -being overseas, son with suspected autism, work, family dramas.

The amount of posts on here lately about grown men tantruming instead of parenting and the wave of ‘it must be you, OP, give the baby man a break’ responses is shocking.

A pp has it correct, @Aperolling28, he times his meltdowns to make himself the centre of whatever the occasion for you/your child is.

I had a father like that - totally unable to parent without screaming and shouting, disproportionate reactions to everything, ruling the mood of the house with his outbursts, threatening to leave and then crying ‘poor me, I have depression, you can’t be mad at me, I am sad’ when he went too far and suffered consequences.

Let me be clear - he will not change. At best he will get slyer at how he manipulates you. At worst he will know you will never hold him to account and get worse.

You are teaching your child that this is how you get what you want. That his emotional needs need to be squashed so daddy does not get upset. That Daddy’s feelings are the only ones that matter.

And he may even start to behave that way himself - my brother is about to get the reality check of his life from his wife very soon because rather than do the opposite of what he saw growing up, he’s like my dad on steroids and has ruined the mental health of his children with his tantrums and moods.

One of his children started self harming to cope with the abuse and my brother’s response has been to make it all about him to the extent the family therapist refused to let him back into sessions as he cannot believe the lack of care of concern for his child, only himself.

Is that what you want for your child?

You don’t know what it’s like to have depression but he doesn’t know what it’s like to be someone else’s emotional punchbag, who thinks you’re unreasonable to want not to be. He fundamentally thinks that’s your role.