First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

[Aperolling28]

First day for DS (3) starting a new preschool. He woke up last night for 3 hours in the middle of the night so we were both awake. We had the same thing the night before so he was shattered and grumpy this morning.
The plan was that we would both take him on his first day. So whilst i'm getting ready, I could hear DH shouting at DS "do not tip the basket of toys over, it makes lots of mess, do not do that, I said no, you will go on time out, right thats it, time out". Toys get tipped over, DS is screaming, he gets put on time out.
My AIBU is that I then intervene and say to my DH, cut him some slack - its his first day at school, he's only 3, he hasn't slept properly for 2 nights, he was always going to be like this today, we've got 30 mins to get ready, he doesn't normally wake up and behave like this unless he is very tired". Consequently DH then flips out, says he isn't coming and he is going to move out. In amongst all that DH asks if I want him to come and I say yes come if you can control your temper, don't come if you are going to be angry, creating a bad atmosphere. He then storms out.
DS goes to school fine, but hasn't eaten any breakfast because he was in such a state.
Ordinarily i'm firm with him but this morning I would have dealt with it differently to avoid the meltdown.

And ignore the people saying your dh’s reaction was justified because you “undermined” him. That is incel talk.

This behaviour clearly isn’t a one-off.

It's your son I feel for . He was awake much of the night , your DH shouted at him this morning , he had a timeout , no breakfast and he's starting at a new pre-school .

100% this. And an extra 'he's an areshole' in case you miss the first message. Seriously OP, life is too short for this and your poor son doesn't need to grow up walking on eggshells in case he upsets his dad.

Why wouldn't you want him to leave? Do you honestly think this is a good environment for your little boy to grow up in? You said life is a lot easier when DH isn't around so take control and end this awful relationship for the sake of your child before even more damage is done.

Your husband will be wrecking your child’s self confidence. In two days their have been 2 incidents where your child has been shouted at, belittled and not treated in an age appropriate way…..what does your husband have to do to make you protect your child?

it isn’t ok to make the household walk on eggshells and blame you both for what he feels. I think separating, at least temporarily is the right thing to do. Then sit and observe the differences in your son

Yes, the amount of 'well what did you expect, you shouldn't undermine him/allow a mess/make a big fuss of the first day of school/intervene with his (shit) parenting on this thread is really alarming! I feel bad for any woman who thinks you need to tiptoe around an angry man.

You will start (or continue) to do everything with dc (putting him to bed, getting up with him etc) on your own to avoid your dp getting in a mood. Then resentment will build which is hard to forget even later if he starts to help abit more when dc is older/easier.

I may be projecting abit here though.

Are you and your DH from the same cultural background?

@Clarefromwork you've hit the nail on the head. I already do, and have done everything since DS was born and I think that has alot to do with it. I always feel like i'm trying to manage his moods.

@sunseaandsoundingoff yes we are. I think his behaviour is impacted by his poor mental health so he seems to think differently to everyone else

I can't see any evidence that OP was making a big deal out of the first day? At my son's school, quite a few parents do the school run together (always makes me a bit jealous as a single parent!)

Having to walk on eggshells around a man who doesn't understand normal child behaviour is horrible - you become a shell of yourself and find yourself policing your child's behaviour to avoid it.

So many people use the word narcissist lightly, but it seems he has an actual diagnosis, and it's one that isn't going to go away. His mental health is not your responsibility. Ultimately you need to protect yourself and your child. You said you're living abroad.. does that have implications if you separate? Sending you love and strength (which you will discover you already have in bucketloads!)

@Aperolling28 what time does your hubby start pre school??? there is nothing worse than tantrums and upset before school or nursery at any age. upsets the rest of the day. hubby got his knickers in a twist over a box of toys which are easily picked up when you return home! your hubby escalated this whole incident!

The more I read your post the more I changed my mind.
Your H needs help.
At the moment his shouting achieves nothing except scaring his child and making him more anxious. It’s a cycle that needs to be broken before it damages your child’s self esteem
Would H be open to parenting classes ?
Im not sure what his own childhood was like ?
There are red flags starting to appear.
Your son needs parents who will work together and not undermine each other.
If your H is unwilling to adapt his response to your child , you may need to rethink this relationship.

At the point at which you have a second adult child you need to 'manage', rather than a partner who makes your life easier, you've really got to start asking yourself, what is the point?

Agree.

Leave him move out I can't see what value he is adding to you or your son's life . I guarantee your son's behavior will improve tenfold when is isn't walking in eggshells with his man child father around.

If he's not genuinely looking to find ways of coping with his depression/anger/unreasonable behaviour and not pulling his weight at home and childcare (noted he's slept through all the night time issues), I'd ask him to go.

He's using his depression as an excuse for shitty behaviour and throwing it at you as a 'you don't understand' whenever you call him out on his behaviour. These narcissistic tendencies are running the show of his behaviour, not his depression. He is causing upset and stress, which will leave you walking on eggshells so as not to trigger it. Your son will learn to do the same if he stays. And that will take a toll on both you and your little one and he may well end up behaving the same horrible way.

My first line literally said he was an idiot for his reaction. But it is bloody frustrating when kids deliberately tip out an entire toy box and you’ve got to sit there and pick it all up. Nothing wrong with teaching your child not to do that. My comment was about undermining the other parent. I don’t think he was unreasonable for what he said. Kids do frustrate parents, especially when parents are exhausted. Mum coming in and saying cut him some slack it’s his first day of pre school was not necessary. Apparently it was done away from the child, so that’s fine if that’s what happened.

But dad tells off child, mum comes running in and tells him he’s wrong and consoles the child will frustrate the other parent. If they’ve smacked the child etc completely acceptable but telling him off for tipping out toy box when asked not to is not something mum needs to intervene about

This.

I am struggling with mental health conditions right now and they’re being excessively triggered by hormones.

I don’t have tantrums and I would never put a child in time out on their first day of school because of my own issues (I don’t like time outs anyway but that’s another thread).

Your DH has no excuse - you’re all tired, you’re all feeling it but to take his feelings out on a small child on what is a very daunting day for them is ridiculous.

You need to leave him OP. This is already having an impact on your DS. It will get worse.

I can see why he left - it is incredibly frustrating to be undermined in front of your child when you set boundaries. However you’re both shattered, that leads to short tempers, poor communication and a lack of team work. Some sleep and some space from each other will hopefully help.

And @Aperolling28, to be frank, the more you excuse his behaviour the worse it will be. You’re letting him get away with things by saying ‘Oh but his mental health’ - don’t excuse this sort of reaction. It’s not fair on your son or you.

But i can empathise with DS because i've been up with him for 2 nights and i'm tired and grumpy too, whilst DH has slept through it all.

Oh. This changes everything. I thought you meant you’d all been up for three hours.

Your husband is just a nasty shit then.

@Zanatdy But she didn't undermine him in front of his child. She explained to him away from his child in another room that she thought that they should just move on for the morning and why. And considering she has been the one literally losing sleep with the little one over the past few nights while he's slept through all of it, I think she was well within her rights to do so as she's definitely feeling the issues more than he is.

No way would I stay married to someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I would cut my losses and end it—I’ve never seen a successful outcome of a relationship with someone with NPD—only damaged children and a damaged partner.