First day of school & DH storms out, says he's moving out!

[Aperolling28]

First day for DS (3) starting a new preschool. He woke up last night for 3 hours in the middle of the night so we were both awake. We had the same thing the night before so he was shattered and grumpy this morning.
The plan was that we would both take him on his first day. So whilst i'm getting ready, I could hear DH shouting at DS "do not tip the basket of toys over, it makes lots of mess, do not do that, I said no, you will go on time out, right thats it, time out". Toys get tipped over, DS is screaming, he gets put on time out.
My AIBU is that I then intervene and say to my DH, cut him some slack - its his first day at school, he's only 3, he hasn't slept properly for 2 nights, he was always going to be like this today, we've got 30 mins to get ready, he doesn't normally wake up and behave like this unless he is very tired". Consequently DH then flips out, says he isn't coming and he is going to move out. In amongst all that DH asks if I want him to come and I say yes come if you can control your temper, don't come if you are going to be angry, creating a bad atmosphere. He then storms out.
DS goes to school fine, but hasn't eaten any breakfast because he was in such a state.
Ordinarily i'm firm with him but this morning I would have dealt with it differently to avoid the meltdown.

My husband has undermined me in front of our DC before but I’ve never stormed out and threatened to leave, especially on a day which is huge for a small child. We sorted things and apologies were made.

Her DH is a twat.

My parents lived separately when I was in juniors, they were still very much together, dad came and took us to school and picked up up, we are meals together then he went back to his own place and sometimes my DBro or I would go with him. Once his MH improved and he got appropriate help from the GP they moved back together.

His flat was a tiny thing and I wouldn't have wanted to live there but they didn't have a huge amount of spare cash.

In the meantime, if I were you I'd look on Travelodge for the cheapest night this week and book it so DH can get a proper night's rest and then book yourself one in a couple of weeks and make it a semi regular thing. Sleep deprivation means everyone acts out of character.

Hang on - so does he have depression or NPD? Or both? His first breakdown was 3 years ago and your toddler is 3? So this happened what, towards the end of your pregnancy or while your toddler was a newborn?

And how was his MH pre-pregnancy / birth?

This. All your DH did was ask DS not to tip toys all over the floor, he issued a warning that he'd go on timeout if he did it, he did so got put on timeout. I dont think starting preschool should be such a big deal that normal parenting goes out of the window?! Its only playing. Its not school by any stretch of the measure. It should be pitched to DS as 'how awesome, you will love preschool!' not something he should feel nervous or on edge about.
I'm sure DS was upset to be put in time out that's kind of the point 😂 if it didn't bother him he'd tip his toys out all over the floor again.

It sounds like you and your DH are in a different place re. Parenting and you are a more permissive parent. It would be really frustrating to be undermined on something so simple as this so i can see why your DH is annoyed, but threatening to leave /move out is way excessive

Oh course your husband is completely in the wrong but your son is still very young for time outs. Don’t forget that a time out should last no longer in minutes than your child’s age. So your son should be having 3mins time out maximum.

Your son will grow up with a warped view of relationships if this carries on. Depression is no excuse for shouting awful stuff they a child can hear.

I would react badly to being undermined if it was already frustrated, but I wouldn't threaten to leave.

I'd text DH and ask him what time he's coming round to collect his bags!

Of course being away from your parents with strangers for an entire day is massive to a small child. It’s not about ‘playing’ all day, they can feel unsettled, scared and completely off kilter so they play up.

If you were starting a first day at work and you felt hugely overwhelmed would you be happy if someone said ‘it’s just a new job, get over it?’

First days for kids are huge and scary. Of course we shouldn’t pitch them to kids as being so, we should be positive but that doesn’t make a difference. I know lots of parents who will be facing years and unhappiness this week and their kids have already started at school in previous years.

He should have been cut some slack. Time outs are stupid anyway, especially for a three year old, but on such a big day a small child should not be receiving punishments right before they go and do something which to them, is massive.

This really isn't good for your son. Whether he has autism or not, he will be on high alert for Dad losing his temper and his stress levels will be all over the shop. Just because he seemed calm and ran in happily when you got to school doesn't mean he's not being damaged by this behaviour - in fact he may be learning to hide his feelings. The sleeplessness could well be a symptom of underlying anxiety. You need to have a serious talk with your husband about not losing his temper in front of DS.

I think the point is that when you have a tired 3 year old who needs to be got ready within a short space of time for a new pre-school, you pick your battles. That really is not the time to have a big battle of wills over something relatively trivial, and most of us would have simply distracted the child so that he left the toy box alone.

And its not about permissive vs strict parenting. It's about parenting calmly, whatever boundaries you're putting in place.

You DH is trying to manipulate yours and your child's behaviour by leaving inappropriate huge mood when you don't do exactly as he says/things don't go exactly as he wants. Lack of sleep is not an excuse. I notice YOU managed to behave appropriately considering the lack of sleep, and your 3 year old also behaved appropriately (albeit annoyingly) for a tired 3 year old. I would have zero tolerance for ANYBODY that made my 3yo "cry hysterically" and even less if it was their own dad that was doing it.

Also. His depression isn't manifesting as anger. It's his fucking awful parenting skills and inability to communicate and attempts to manipulate you that is manifesting as anger. Do not make excuses for this man.

Send him on his way. Tell him not to come home and I bet your childs sleep and behaviour improves no end.

When he said he was going to leave, I would be offering to pack his bags for him to hurry the process along. No one should live walking on eggshells to keep the peace and your son and you deserve better. Poor MH is not an excuse to be abusive.

OP, is your husband having any treatment apart from therapy, for instance medication? He really needs to realise that, when you have a small child, you can't keep using depression as a Get Out of Jail Free card or a means to get your own way all the time.

You know you need to change this although it's likely too late. Your sons will likely contribute the same cycle and your daughters will tolerate the lowest of behaviours from men as that's exactly what they have been taught to do. Get rid for gods sake.

Her DH isn’t shattered, he’s had 2 full nights sleep while OP has been up with her son. So really, he should have been the person most able to control their mood/temper in the family, not the one having a tantrum and threatening to leave home.

It’s one arsey thing for him to lose his temper on this particular morning.
its another to say he’s moving out!
Does he often threaten to leave?

This.

“yes we are. I think his behaviour is impacted by his poor mental health so he seems to think differently to everyone else”

I think his narcissism means that he does indeed think differently to everyone else, but you’ll spend your whole life (and your children’s childhoods will also be spent) managing his moods, and you can never win with these people. It’ll be your fault even if it was a jerk in another car on his way to the gym, or someone moved his towel at the gym, or whatever. It will eventually destroy your sense of self and reality and set your children up to repeat the same patterns in their own relationships.
I don’t believe that this man is depressed, I think he uses that as a justification for any type of bad behaviour. I would urge you to seriously consider leaving him and taking your son, because of the narcissism and also because his behaviour is actually abusive, to both you and your son. He is not a safe parent, he’s damaging and his temper poses a real risk of harm (emotional harm probably, but physical harm possibly).

Good luck, and I hope you can get a positive resolution.

OP - you say you want to stay. But why? What is it about him that makes you want to stay?

Is it because you have a child and you don’t want to break up the family? Or because of money? Or is it because you like him?

He doesn’t sound great, I have to say. I would cut my losses if I were you. I know that’s not as easy as it sounds.

Which country are you in? Is it his home country?

I don't see anything wrong with creating happy, positive excitement around a milestone like a first day at school or a new preschool - we did with both our kids about what an adventure they were about to have and I think it helped them see it in a positive way. We also both went with them because we are both their parents and wanted to share that milestone with them. The massive issue here is how he reacted to a relatively minor disagreement and the patterns of behaviour your son is being taught are normal eg he does something Daddy doesn't like so Daddy storms off and abandons him. Did he threaten to move out in front of your son?

He sounds like he makes life too difficult for you. I would definitely separate. I can see how the day felt like a big deal for you, and he made it about himself. It sounds like your son gets shouted at a lot. He's only 3, doing normal 3 year old things. He's can't control his behaviour, what's your husband's excuse? All the people saying that you shouldn't undermine your husband in front of your son. Why not? He was wrong. Tell him to read a parenting book. Being a father doesn't mean you've got someone you can be an arsehole to all the time. By the way, time outs have been debunked. When a toddlers nervous system is in panic mode the last thing they need is to be isolated. It just teaches them to hide their emotions. It's worse for neurodiverse kids.

Your H is stamping on all your child's first memories with his hysterical angry behaviour.
There is no excuse really, your DS is a typical 3 year old, his behaviour is of no concern.
I managed to bring up my DS on my own with complex PTSD without behaving hysterically like this and work full time. Me and DS are very close.
My own father behaved like this and I have no happy memories of my childhood other than him screaming and shouting and spoiling every occasion. Hence the CPTSD which h I've had for 45 years.
Trust me your child will be affected by his behaviour. You need to monitor this very carefully. Your DS comes first.

Your dh is abusive.

You mentioned that your son has had an autism assessment.
Any chance he's inherited neurovdiversity from his dad?
It's possible your husbands response to these situations is a sign of overwhelm and burnout. Reminds me of my teen when struggling with sensory overload and anxiety.
Or not.
Food for thought?