DP lied about job

[serenavanderwoodsenn]

DP and I have had a rocky 12 months. His behaviour became unrecognisable as the industry he worked in has an awful culture with drinking after work with colleagues, cheating being rife within staff, there was constant lying that he had gone home (we don’t live together) after work when he wasn’t etc

ultimately, I ended the relationship earlier this year and I was admittedly devastated. We spent some time apart when he came back to support me through a traumatic event. I said I would only try again if he left that industry and it was his choice to make. He left the job and had a few weeks unemployed.

About 5/6 weeks ago he told me he’d found a job (completely different industry), did the interviews and got it. He’s been shifts since however I’ve found out this week he’s been working in the same industry. I was obviously livid as he cannot work in that industry without being sucked into the culture, that’s just his personality. He says he lied because I’d have left him if he didn’t. He wants to make us work. But AIBU to think this was the last shred of trust and he’s broken it? He’s trying to gaslight me that it’s not a big deal As he was earning money for us and I’m doubting myself.

why do you live apart? And how long have you been together?

There’s no point in a relationship where you can’t trust the person. None.

If his ‘personality’ is so flawed that he can’t not be an idiot just because of where he works or a bit of temptation then what is the point? You will never actually be able to believe what he says. Every time he’s late, too drunk, gets a message he’s secretive about etc.

It’s no way to live.

Just end it. For good this time.

Has he actually cheated, or does he have an alcohol problem? If not I think it’s rather unfair and controlling wanting him to leave an industry which he enjoys and is where his professional experience lies, purely based on the behaviour of colleagues who he has no influence over, because you believe he won’t be able to stop himself from behaving badly because that’s “just his personality.” And regardless, if you don’t trust him not to cheat and you don’t like his personality, then it’s best you stay broken up. It doesn’t matter where he works if that’s how you feel about him.

He has lied to you repeatedly, there was already no trust. Get out now and do not have kids with him whatever you do.

You you want to change who he is, his friends and have him give up his career?

If a man gave a woman in here the ultimatum of I don't like your work friends so give up your career or lose me every single person would be says 'tell him good bye'.

Just let him go for his sake.

Together 4 years. Covid caused me to lose my home, I still haven’t financially recovered from covid as I wasn’t furloughed but lost my job so I live with family.

You shouldn't have to ban someone from their preferred field of work.

If the relationship is turning you into this person, the relationship isn't right.

End it for good and find someone who shares the same values in life that you do.

He sounds a dick but he's entitled to work wherever he chooses.

He actively participated in all of the negative stuff. I did tell him he could stay in it and I’d just walk away. I can’t force anyone to quit their job.

For clarification, the industry includes late nights and going to bars immediately after work. Drinking and doing drugs is almost a daily occurrence and then going to work on about 4 hours sleep, never having time to do any adult things because they just work, drink, get a little sleep and then go right to it the next day. It was killing him doing that. And that was before the lying and cheating.

wouldn’t any of you want to get somebody you loved out of that environment ?

You don't live together and have no children together from the sounds of it. Why does he have to go straight home after he finishes work? What does it matter if he's out and not home? Why does he have to account for where he is?

Sounds like he's better off out of it to be honest.

He doesn’t.
but going to a bar to drink for 6 hours after every shift, lying to your partner about it and the drink causing someone to make poor choices like cheating is wrong surely???

you can’t control his career you either accept that’s his job and his lifestyle or you leave him

Your relationship sounds so utterly dysfunctional I don't even know where to start.

So he’s cheated, taken drugs, and drinks every day? The industry is a red herring. Why on earth are you considering continuing a relationship with somebody who cheats on you and takes drugs? He’s not suddenly going to have a personality transplant and become Mr Wonderful in a new job, and I don’t know why you’d think he will.

What career involves doing drugs daily?

Except a 'career criminal'.

Thats nothing to do with a legitimate job thats a personality thing... so you just don't like him as a person.

How is breaking up even a question?

Whats the 'Industry'

I just hope its not safety critical

the industry includes late nights and going to bars immediately after work. Drinking and doing drugs is almost a daily occurrence and then going to work on about 4 hours sleep, never having time to do any adult things because they just work, drink, get a little sleep and then go right to it the next day.

No industry requires this. Don't say something daft like trading because I know traders who don't behave like this.

Is he an MP? 🤪

🤣😂🤣🤣🤣🤣

No, I wouldn't want my long-term partner to work in a sector where that was the culture either. I'd want him to either find a company that bucks the general trend, or move out to another sector. But is his participation really mandatory? Or is he just weak and easily swayed.
That, and the fact he lied, would lead me to question whether you have a rosy future

You can decide that you don't want to be with a person who works in a specific industry because it entails a certain type of lifestyle that doesn't fit with what you want in a partner. You can't "try to get him out of his industry". There's a difference.

He says he lied because I’d have left him if he didn’t.

What does this tell you? It's over, he's not what you want, find someone that you don't have to change.

Sounds like recruitment industry!

@serenavanderwoodsenn Stock broker / Banking ?

He lied. You’re not compatible. End it