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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP lied about job

182 replies

serenavanderwoodsenn · 31/08/2024 20:44

DP and I have had a rocky 12 months. His behaviour became unrecognisable as the industry he worked in has an awful culture with drinking after work with colleagues, cheating being rife within staff, there was constant lying that he had gone home (we don’t live together) after work when he wasn’t etc

ultimately, I ended the relationship earlier this year and I was admittedly devastated. We spent some time apart when he came back to support me through a traumatic event. I said I would only try again if he left that industry and it was his choice to make. He left the job and had a few weeks unemployed.

About 5/6 weeks ago he told me he’d found a job (completely different industry), did the interviews and got it. He’s been shifts since however I’ve found out this week he’s been working in the same industry. I was obviously livid as he cannot work in that industry without being sucked into the culture, that’s just his personality. He says he lied because I’d have left him if he didn’t. He wants to make us work. But AIBU to think this was the last shred of trust and he’s broken it? He’s trying to gaslight me that it’s not a big deal As he was earning money for us and I’m doubting myself.

OP posts:
Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 02/09/2024 07:46

Frogpole · 02/09/2024 04:31

If you are incapable of grasping why OP's behaviour is wrong just by, what was it now.. "Read the OP posts.", if that is beyond your comprehension then I'm afraid I have neither enough patience nor enough crayons to explain this in a way you would be able to meaningfully understand.

However, however... competence with the English language - or lack henceforth thereof in some cases - isn't really the issue here, or at least not the only one, is it? What's interesting to note is that of all the users who've expressed the same thing I have, even the one who rightfully and justifiably raised the fact that the userbase here would be screaming blue bloody murder if a man had said those same things about a woman, the only one you've singled out for an attack is me.

Now, a sceptical person might be forgiven for thinking the reason you've attacked me specifically and no one else is that it's clear from my post that I'm a man. They might start to think that you're projecting your own marital issues on to me, or assuming men are all stupid and won't dare answer back so you can just say "IM NOT CONTROLLING YOU YOU FORCED ME TO TREAT YOU LIKE THIS, THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD" and it won't be an issue, or...

I'm not sceptical though, so I'm sure you meant well.

Show quote history

OPs behaviour is not wrong. Working in the environment destroyed their relationship the first time round. She's giving him another chance and he lied, and as such he picked the end of the relationship. She is right to feel disappointed that he chose toxic workplace over a relationship with her willingly and gaslit her over where he worked. I'm not sure why people can't grasp that.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 02/09/2024 08:17

Garlicfest · 02/09/2024 04:42

I swear there are more lunatics on MN every week 🤨

It's irrelevant what the actual job is. As already evidenced on this thread, the lifestyle she describes is common in:
media;
finance;
recruitment;
catering;
entertainment;
the armed forces.
I can think of a few more, but it doesn't matter.

It's not controlling to tell a partner they must choose between your relationship and a particular job. It is never reasonable to lie to a partner about how you earn your living. Wordy, didactic essays don't make it reasonable.

OP, this idiot isn't your only hope! Ditch him for good and free yourself up for somebody more trustworthy.

Sorry but it is controlling, especially if you got into the relationship fully knowing the partner worked in that industry already. Would you be happy for your husband to choose between him and your job? If she isn’t happy about what he works in she has the right to leave if she wants, but not to make him change his job that he had since before he met her.

Garlicfest · 02/09/2024 08:32

I recommend reading the OP, @Lovefromjuliaxo.

Also, how do you think she would "make him change his job"? She's perfectly entitled to tell him she doesn't want a relationship with the person he is when working in that industry.

That doesn't force him to change, does it? She's stating a boundary. The honest responses available to him are [a] OK, I'll look for something else, or [b] Sorry but this is who I am.

He wasn't honest. He lied to her about it for a month. She's more than entitled not to want a relationship with anyone who lies about something as important as this.

Since he's tried to manipulate her by massively bullshitting her, I'd say he's the one attempting control.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 02/09/2024 08:45

Garlicfest · 02/09/2024 08:32

I recommend reading the OP, @Lovefromjuliaxo.

Also, how do you think she would "make him change his job"? She's perfectly entitled to tell him she doesn't want a relationship with the person he is when working in that industry.

That doesn't force him to change, does it? She's stating a boundary. The honest responses available to him are [a] OK, I'll look for something else, or [b] Sorry but this is who I am.

He wasn't honest. He lied to her about it for a month. She's more than entitled not to want a relationship with anyone who lies about something as important as this.

Since he's tried to manipulate her by massively bullshitting her, I'd say he's the one attempting control.

I did RTFT, I replied a while ago.

yes he was unreasonable to lie, not defending that.

she got into a relationship with this man, knowing the industry he worked in. If she wasn’t cool with that, why did she get with him in the first place?

“She's perfectly entitled to tell him she doesn't want a relationship with the person he is when working in that industry.”

she can tell him what she likes, but trying to make him quit the industry when she got into the relationship fully KNOWING he worked in it already and then saying she only wants to stay if he leaves it sounds like blackmail. Trying to pick between her and his job. She can be uncomfortable with it sure. She has every right to decide to leave if she feels like his job no longer works for her. But she is BU asking him to quit.

she says he has cheated on her, but iirc I don’t think she specified if this was even during work. There is no excuse for cheating, but people at work “encouraging you to cheat” will have no effect on you if you are loyal in the first place. Sadly this man is not loyal, but I would not blame his job and people encouraging him. He has a mind of his own.

as I say he sounds like a scumbag, but he chose to cheat. Nowt to do with his job.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 02/09/2024 09:01

Garlicfest · 02/09/2024 08:32

I recommend reading the OP, @Lovefromjuliaxo.

Also, how do you think she would "make him change his job"? She's perfectly entitled to tell him she doesn't want a relationship with the person he is when working in that industry.

That doesn't force him to change, does it? She's stating a boundary. The honest responses available to him are [a] OK, I'll look for something else, or [b] Sorry but this is who I am.

He wasn't honest. He lied to her about it for a month. She's more than entitled not to want a relationship with anyone who lies about something as important as this.

Since he's tried to manipulate her by massively bullshitting her, I'd say he's the one attempting control.

She should’ve stated her boundaries about his job before they got together so he could make a choice whether to enter into the relationship or not. I find it bizarre that it wasn’t spoken about.

Garlicfest · 02/09/2024 09:05

Lovefromjuliaxo · 02/09/2024 09:01

She should’ve stated her boundaries about his job before they got together so he could make a choice whether to enter into the relationship or not. I find it bizarre that it wasn’t spoken about.

Show quote history

First line of first post: His behaviour became unrecognisable.

So she knew him before he started acting like a wazzock.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 02/09/2024 09:43

Garlicfest · 02/09/2024 09:05

First line of first post: His behaviour became unrecognisable.

So she knew him before he started acting like a wazzock.

Edited
Show quote history

by the way she’s written it it insinuates he worked in this industry before she got
together with him and she blames it for his behaviour. Im not defending the way he’s behaved, but if he was loyal to begin with he wouldn’t let people at work influence him. Likely he has always been a loser and a cheater and always will be even if he didn’t have this job.

Garlicfest · 02/09/2024 09:57

I agree with your last bit, @Lovefromjuliaxo. I'm sure XH#2 didn't stop being what he is after leaving the media business. But he'll have had less opportunity, fewer excuses, and much less free booze & drugs. So he's probably a nicer husband for Wife#2 than he was for me. I still wouldn't want him, mind you!

I was in rehab after leaving that job. People's characters really are affected by substance misuse. I'm not saying they change at the core level - I don't believe they do - but I was with some genuinely nice people who'd done really awful and staggeringly stupid things while under the influence.

Thistlewoman · 02/09/2024 18:48

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/08/2024 21:02

Has he actually cheated, or does he have an alcohol problem? If not I think it’s rather unfair and controlling wanting him to leave an industry which he enjoys and is where his professional experience lies, purely based on the behaviour of colleagues who he has no influence over, because you believe he won’t be able to stop himself from behaving badly because that’s “just his personality.” And regardless, if you don’t trust him not to cheat and you don’t like his personality, then it’s best you stay broken up. It doesn’t matter where he works if that’s how you feel about him.

Edited

This. Totally.
OP wants him to abandon his career if he want to be with her. That does not sound reasonable to me.
Imagine if he was demanding that of her! The MumsNet hive would explode with accusations of coercive control, narcissism etc...

5128gap · 02/09/2024 18:54

The job a man does shouldn't be the deciding factor as to whether he will cheat or problem drink. If you can't trust him not to do these things in his industry of choice you can't trust him not to do them. Its his character not his job that's the problem.

Original poster
serenavanderwoodsenn · 02/09/2024 20:11

I’m not judging people by saying this, it’s simply my perspective but a lot of you repliers are truly naive. People working in offices or even more likely, WFH have no idea how a job can influence behaviour.

When certain behaviour is rife in specific industries, employees are truly brainwashed by each other. They start to do these things because everyone else is And In very consuming jobs that’s all they’re exposed to and how they are influenced it’s the way to decompress. It breeds a culture where nobody around them contradicts it so nobody is holding anyone accountable for it and it isn’t seen as wrong.

If you’re WFH 4 days a week, have never touched cocaine and only drink G&Ts or a few glasses of wine when out and you’re home by 10/11, then you’ll just never understand it.

OP posts:
Completelydonechick · 02/09/2024 20:25

Metropolitan Police? Any police force?

Original poster
serenavanderwoodsenn · 02/09/2024 20:29

Completelydonechick · 02/09/2024 20:25

Metropolitan Police? Any police force?

No

OP posts:
TunnocksOrDeath · 02/09/2024 20:30

OP, he outright lied to your face. Doesn't really matter what about, if he thought you were being unreasonable he should have had an honest conversation about it.
Lying about something as basic as where you go to work is just bizarre behaviour. Everyone deserves to be with someone they can trust. I hope you find that person, but you're unlikely to do it if you're already in a relationship with this one.

Merryoldgoat · 02/09/2024 21:27

@serenavanderwoodsenn We are not naive - we just know what healthy relationships are like.

I have worked in toxic environments with people taking drugs and shagging around and never been influenced by it.

My friend has been with a chef for 25 years - zero cheating or drugs - he’s not interested. He just wants his family life.

Your partner’s inability to behave respectfully and keep his dick in his pants is to do with HIM and his flaws.

Testina · 02/09/2024 21:43

When certain behaviour is rife in specific industries, employees are truly brainwashed by each other.

There will always be people who are not. Always.

But, I am with you that for weaker people, it really does skew their idea of what’s normal. And it’s not just weak - some people are very glad of the social support to behave like this!

A long time ago (so this may not be reflective of the industry now) I had a boyfriend for a short period who worked on a men’s magazine. Not GQ, but that sort of thing - actually, not Nuts (is that still going?!) but closer to Nuts than GQ. He would tell me that he wanted to quit coke, but it was as much a part of socialising (like, expected work networking /team building socialising) as saying “good morning” was in my blue chip corporate office. God knows as a teetotaller I’ve had suspicious comments over the years at work socials! And that’s just alcohol. Much less now, but back then…

So I do get what you’re saying.

You’re flogging a dead horse here. It’s not cos he has to behave like this. He really doesn’t. But he’s choosing to, and choosing to be in an industry that encourages it and justifies it for him. Walk away.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 02/09/2024 22:25

serenavanderwoodsenn · 02/09/2024 20:11

I’m not judging people by saying this, it’s simply my perspective but a lot of you repliers are truly naive. People working in offices or even more likely, WFH have no idea how a job can influence behaviour.

When certain behaviour is rife in specific industries, employees are truly brainwashed by each other. They start to do these things because everyone else is And In very consuming jobs that’s all they’re exposed to and how they are influenced it’s the way to decompress. It breeds a culture where nobody around them contradicts it so nobody is holding anyone accountable for it and it isn’t seen as wrong.

If you’re WFH 4 days a week, have never touched cocaine and only drink G&Ts or a few glasses of wine when out and you’re home by 10/11, then you’ll just never understand it.

My ex / one of my best mates (we didn’t date for long, not cos of this, just our age gap was too much and I’m older) worked as a chef, very high pressure environment and long shifts for food prep as well as cooking, there was people using cocaine during shift when having a toilet break. There was a lot of drinking in the bar afterwards and people would often hook up despite having someone waiting at home for them. Anyhow, people who worked with him would try and joke about him doing it and how he would one day. But we had a level of trust and I knew he wouldn’t, and he didn’t. He left them to it. They’d jokingly say he was boring etc.

While I told him they didn’t sound like great mates, I trusted him implicitly to not get involved with the drugs or cheating and he never did. Sounds like you struggled with trust with this guy to begin with. Why did you get with him knowing you would be iffy about the industry he worked in?

Squirrelwithaflute · 02/09/2024 23:13

I'd say barman in a nightclub or similar.

Raaraathelionrah · 02/09/2024 23:21

serenavanderwoodsenn · 31/08/2024 20:44

DP and I have had a rocky 12 months. His behaviour became unrecognisable as the industry he worked in has an awful culture with drinking after work with colleagues, cheating being rife within staff, there was constant lying that he had gone home (we don’t live together) after work when he wasn’t etc

ultimately, I ended the relationship earlier this year and I was admittedly devastated. We spent some time apart when he came back to support me through a traumatic event. I said I would only try again if he left that industry and it was his choice to make. He left the job and had a few weeks unemployed.

About 5/6 weeks ago he told me he’d found a job (completely different industry), did the interviews and got it. He’s been shifts since however I’ve found out this week he’s been working in the same industry. I was obviously livid as he cannot work in that industry without being sucked into the culture, that’s just his personality. He says he lied because I’d have left him if he didn’t. He wants to make us work. But AIBU to think this was the last shred of trust and he’s broken it? He’s trying to gaslight me that it’s not a big deal As he was earning money for us and I’m doubting myself.

What are you wanting to get out of this thread OP? He’s a cheat , does drugs, works all
hours , lies and drinks. He doesn’t sound a good choice in partner if that’s what you’re asking? Walk away and find someone who isn’t like this .

Yoonimum · 03/09/2024 00:06

From your updates you have obviously had quite a bit of trauma and have vulnerabilities. This tends to stop people acting in their own best interests until they've had help to work through it. Whilst you care about your partner you can not rescue him from the situation he's in. He has to choose this for himself and you need to value yourself more. I think you know this really as you have split once before. Have courage and move on. I'd advise getting some therapy if you are struggling to let go to fully understand why you are settling for this.

Saschka · 03/09/2024 00:09

goody2shooz · 31/08/2024 21:39

Is he an MP? 🤪

I was going to say police! Maybe not the drugs, but the drinking and cheating…

Goodtogossip · 03/09/2024 12:31

It's not the 'industry' that's the problem it's your DP not having enough self control or respect for you. No Job forces you to drink, take drugs or cheat, they're personal choices. If your DP is too weak to say 'no' that's the problem, not his job or his work colleagues. You say you were in the same kind of work so know what goes on. Obviously you have changed & can see the harm this causes people & relationships. Do you think your DP will in time see it or does he enjoy it too much to give it up, even for you?

What's the job he does, is it event promotions?

Sometimesright · 03/09/2024 16:10

serenavanderwoodsenn · 31/08/2024 20:44

DP and I have had a rocky 12 months. His behaviour became unrecognisable as the industry he worked in has an awful culture with drinking after work with colleagues, cheating being rife within staff, there was constant lying that he had gone home (we don’t live together) after work when he wasn’t etc

ultimately, I ended the relationship earlier this year and I was admittedly devastated. We spent some time apart when he came back to support me through a traumatic event. I said I would only try again if he left that industry and it was his choice to make. He left the job and had a few weeks unemployed.

About 5/6 weeks ago he told me he’d found a job (completely different industry), did the interviews and got it. He’s been shifts since however I’ve found out this week he’s been working in the same industry. I was obviously livid as he cannot work in that industry without being sucked into the culture, that’s just his personality. He says he lied because I’d have left him if he didn’t. He wants to make us work. But AIBU to think this was the last shred of trust and he’s broken it? He’s trying to gaslight me that it’s not a big deal As he was earning money for us and I’m doubting myself.

If you are unhappy then walk away.
You are not married or living together so if I were you I would decide once and for all where you see this relationship going and if it’s where you want to be in your life. 4 years is a long time to make up your mind. So just get on with it. Do you want a life with him op?

laraitopbanana · 05/09/2024 14:38

So he lied to you while not living together and you want what…to marry him, live with him and have kids with him?
Just move on…he will NOT change and if you accept it now…that is it then.

good luck 🌺

Gizlotsmum · 05/09/2024 14:45

Honestly he has chosen to stay in that industry. Assuming he is an adult you can’t make him do anything. I think you need to keep it ended, he knew how you felt, you gave him an ultimatum and he chose work. That should tell you all you need to know. Sad for both of you but you are obviously not the person he wants to change for.