DP lied about job

[serenavanderwoodsenn]

DP and I have had a rocky 12 months. His behaviour became unrecognisable as the industry he worked in has an awful culture with drinking after work with colleagues, cheating being rife within staff, there was constant lying that he had gone home (we don’t live together) after work when he wasn’t etc

ultimately, I ended the relationship earlier this year and I was admittedly devastated. We spent some time apart when he came back to support me through a traumatic event. I said I would only try again if he left that industry and it was his choice to make. He left the job and had a few weeks unemployed.

About 5/6 weeks ago he told me he’d found a job (completely different industry), did the interviews and got it. He’s been shifts since however I’ve found out this week he’s been working in the same industry. I was obviously livid as he cannot work in that industry without being sucked into the culture, that’s just his personality. He says he lied because I’d have left him if he didn’t. He wants to make us work. But AIBU to think this was the last shred of trust and he’s broken it? He’s trying to gaslight me that it’s not a big deal As he was earning money for us and I’m doubting myself.

He doesn't have to go to bars every night, or drink and take drugs daily, even if others do. It's a choice. There are careers which have a heavy drinking culture, journalism and the police force for example, but not every person in those jobs does that.

I know people in the entertainments industry who spend long periods of time on tour all over the world but do not succumb to heavy drinking, drugs or irresponsible sex, all of which are rife.

You either do or you don't, it's a choice.

This guy needs a job, he was prepared to risk being unemployed for a while to please you but obviously couldn't find anything that you would consider more suitable.

He must be very immature if he has to go along with everything his colleagues do.

You've not been together that long, maybe its best to call it a day and move on. You have enough on your plate with having lost your home, concentrate on rebuilding your life for now. Who knows, your man may grow up and become more responsible, anything can happen in the future.

Good luck.

He knew your boundary was that he wasn't in that industry. He LIED to you. He is now gaslighting you. He broke your boundary. He can't be that desperate to be with you if he won't do the one simple request you asked.

You have no ties to him, you've dodged a bullet! End it now permanently. He cheated and went right back into the industry so has absolutely no remorse. He has no remorse and has shown absolutely no remorse. He hasn't learned, has he?
He had his chance. He will never change - and you know that. You deserve better. You should be fucking furious with him. Tell him today. End it now.

You made mistakes turning to him when you were low and resuming the relationship . even had he not got this job and lied, he is weak, with booze issues etc - a poor choice of boyfriend.

Sorry op, I see you have been with him for four years, my mistake, I thought it was only a year but on re-reading, you said you finished for a while earlier in the year. I tried to edit my post a couple of posts above but couldn't for some reason. However. the rest of what I said still stands.

We are all, I am sure, wishing to know which industry your man works in. Of course it is up to you what you tell us and I get you don't want to be outing. I named three that I know of which have a hard drinking culture, plus or minus other things, but will add that people who work in the financial sector, traders/brokers, are very well known for that sort of behaviour. It is an extremely stressful environment.

Lol

Honestly OP, you cannot tell another person what industry they are allowed to work in. Whether you trust the person or not cannot depend on that.

And when he does something else you don't like he will lie to keep you.

Move forward not back.

End it. You don’t trust him anyway and now he’s lied about the very thing you have issues with. It will never work.

Not it it's work they enjoyed and we're qualified to do. You seem to be making lots of assumptions when you don't work in the industry. Did you expect him to sit for however long unemployed with no income and then go into something else at probably entry level just to please you especially given that you're still struggling to get back on your feet? Can't blame the bloke for lying.

If you had standards you wouldn’t have taken him back.

If he has cheated better to end relationship for good. That’s no basis for future happiness.

This is the exact problem I had with my ex! (And in fact I wrote a post about his behaviour within his industry several years ago where we stayed together but eventually I broke up with him due to his drinking!) He worked in recruitment in the city and everything revolved around ‘client drinks’ and ‘I’m working, you just don’t understand.’

Absolutely nothing changed, they’re all the same. He would go to strip clubs and lie about it. Drug use was rife.

he used to say I didn’t understand, but the only thing I understood is we both worked full time but I used to end my working day picking up our son from nursery, cook dinner, clean, do the grocery shop etc and he just wouldn’t return home. I couldn’t live like that and I’ve had the best almost 3 years since ending it. OP, you seem to have your head screwed on straight and have already made the right decision. Good luck!

He cheated on you, probably more than once by your posts.
Why taf do you want him?

Never heard of an industry that forces people to drink and cheat. You know it yourself. It is on par with a five-year old saying 'he/she made me do this', or 'look what you made me do!' Let us ban knives because of knife crime? He is an unreliable liar, whatever 'industry' he works in and you know it.

Did he cheat on you OP? Like with another person? If so I don’t think it’s the industry that’s the problem.

wouldn’t any of you want to get somebody you loved out of that environment ?

No, I'd just leave him. I think you have a false sense of control. You can't control his lifestyle but you can control who you are with.

You were cheated on and lied to - and now you are surprised he is lying to you. Will you be surprised when he cheats again too?

It's not 'controlling' to have conditions on returning to a relationship, to enable a cheater to rebuild trust. But if you genuinely have standards, this is the point where you walk away as he has broken trust again.

Booundaries are things you keep in place by your own actions, not by trying to force another person to behave in the way you want. At the moment, you are trying to persuade a burglar to not steal from you. If you are serious about your standards and boundaries, you'd lock the door and secure your gates - walk away and go no contact.

You are not controlling and people saying that are absolute nutcases.

Imagine he's working in entertainment industry maybe? Shit salaries but a big party lifestyle.

You need to leave him, all the stuff he has done before and clearly not about to change.

How else do you cheat?

Everyone can cheat in any job but in some industries it happens more than in others and cheating is much more open where everyone knows.

I think you should just walk away. You carried on without him you can do that again. Find someone you can tŕust and who loves you. You sound very vulnerable because of your bad luck during covid and having to live with your parents because you lost your home, take a breath and look after yourself you dont need the extra worry of not trusting your boyfriend. Good luck to you.

What industry has this as criteria attached?

When my DP has been away for long periods on film location, this kind of behaviour isn't expected or rife, exactly the same with his friends experiences, whether they're in front or behind the camera.

Why would you even bother staying with someone who cheats when you have no ties with him to keep you around, no house with him, no kids, no joint financial ties etc. Those are the only understandable reasons for having to assess a relationship with a cheater and not just walking away.

^this.

A person is not going to start doing those things because of work culture unless they want to do them anyway. Peer pressure is a real thing, but if someone really doesn't want to drink/take drugs/lie they won't. The job is a red herring.

OP, you are confusing "having standards" with trying to change/fix someone. Having standards means that you have firm boundaries, walk away from a bad situation and you never go back.

Only he can change his situation. At best you can help him, but only if he does the work and wants your help. He wants to eat his cake and have it too. He does not want to change and shows you disrespect by lying to you so he gets to keep you around.

You say have standards, but you know that he is messing you around and you are willing to let him. These two things are mutually exclusive.

You can’t make someone leave a job / industry. That’s got to be his choice. It is controlling to tell him where he can and can’t work. But we aren’t saying you should put up with that, but that you should end the relationship if you’re not happy with that. That’s your standard and he can’t meet it, so what’s the point in continuing. End the relationship for good as things won’t change.

You and your boyfriend are not compatible. It is as simple as that really. Don't waste your life trying to change him. A leopard does not change its spots.