DP lied about job

[serenavanderwoodsenn]

DP and I have had a rocky 12 months. His behaviour became unrecognisable as the industry he worked in has an awful culture with drinking after work with colleagues, cheating being rife within staff, there was constant lying that he had gone home (we don’t live together) after work when he wasn’t etc

ultimately, I ended the relationship earlier this year and I was admittedly devastated. We spent some time apart when he came back to support me through a traumatic event. I said I would only try again if he left that industry and it was his choice to make. He left the job and had a few weeks unemployed.

About 5/6 weeks ago he told me he’d found a job (completely different industry), did the interviews and got it. He’s been shifts since however I’ve found out this week he’s been working in the same industry. I was obviously livid as he cannot work in that industry without being sucked into the culture, that’s just his personality. He says he lied because I’d have left him if he didn’t. He wants to make us work. But AIBU to think this was the last shred of trust and he’s broken it? He’s trying to gaslight me that it’s not a big deal As he was earning money for us and I’m doubting myself.

I think you were right the first time when you ended it and you need to stick to that.
youre right it was wrong of him to pretend he had changed the type of job when he hasn’t.
but I do think he’s the problem rather than his industry.

You shouldn't have blackmailed somebody into changing jobs. It's no fun being unemployed. He lied because you were controlling.

This was my first thought too, sounds very Wolf of Wall Street

Army? That’s the only job where I can see a lifestyle and career blended in this way.

In any case, having standards would be leaving him to it and moving on with your life. A relationship with conditions is controlling and shows lack of trust, do you really want to waste your time/bring up a family with a man you do not trust? Doesn’t sound like a happy life for anyone involved.

You will get no good advice now OP until you say the industry. Don't know why you are being so elusive about it. But the more you ignore the more we want to know.

This is a guessing thread now. Just bloody say it.

wouldn’t any of you want to get somebody you loved out of that environment?

I would remove myself from his environment for ever.

Raise your bar, dump him and move on.

Neither of them have good boundaries or standards. They both could have acted like adults and walked away from the relationship, but neither did. One made demands and the other pretended to agree. Very unhealthy basis for a relationship.

However, it doesn't meet the definition of blackmail:

"Extortion of money or something else of value from a person by the threat of exposing a criminal act or discreditable information."

You can’t tell someone what job they can do, that’s completely not on. He is able to decide for himself what job he does and it was wrong of you to place conditions on it.

He shouldn’t have lied but I can understand why he did. It sounds completely toxic though and I think you shouldn’t be together, you have no trust in him and he sounds like a numpty.

Chef ??? Can you tell us the answer x

You say his ‘behaviour became unrecognisable’. So did he move into that industry after you met him or a new job?

You also mention in your last post you’ve been cheated on. Is that by him?

You clearly don’t trust him. If people are trustworthy, they can be in any environment and not snog/shag someone else. Adults are perfectly capable of self-control. He’s also now been deceptive. My advice would be to end the relationship. You can’t have a relationship with someone you don’t trust.

So he cheated and behaved in a way that you didn't like and you ended it. Now you've taken him back but have found out he's still lying.

Does he have the skills to get a job in another "industry"? Does he like his job and his colleagues and the culture?

He lies and cheats. You break up with him, give him an ultimatum, and he lies about fulfilling the conditions of the ultimatum so you stay with him.

At this point he probably feels like he can get away with anything. LTB

I'm guessing police officer 🤔

Another one here thinking hospitality/restaurant manager/chef.
Does he have other career options, OP - how easily could he work in another industry?
I couldn’t get past the lying, but having worked in hospitality, that lifestyle goes hand-in-hand with drugs, drinking and carrying on.

You took him back on the condition that he not keep hammering the self destruct button he hasn't done that so split up and move on no third chance

He hasn't changed in a year, he obviously enjoys it or he would have switched industries. There are plenty more men out there, why are you wasting your time with him? Just end it and find someone better.

My son was a top Head Chef in London. This exactly describes the lifestyle. Definitely for single men. My son left the industry,left London married a Devon girl, got a dog, works in Tesco now , lives in a forest!

Lol

Has he cheated on you? Or are you just expecting him to if he works there? My DH could work on a strip club. He would probably try and het them to put their t shirts back on.

If he hasn't already done anything wrong why are you punishing him?

I think your OP was not clear enough. You should have clearly said he cheated on you. Why blame the industry though? My DH has a job travelling, some of his colleagues cheat, some don't. You're giving him an excuse for being an arse saying it's "the industry's fault". No, he's the wanker and maybe that's why he likes this industry so much (night clubs?)...

It’s because you’re trying to change him and encourage him give up his career and social life in order to be acceptable for you.
Yes, he can always walk away from you. So it is ‘his choice’ and you are not physically holding him captive. But emotionally it is manipulative. It would be much healthier for both of you to just accept that you are not the right fit for each other, and move on.

Sounds like he’s in the City from your description. If he is, then you don’t really have much chance of protecting him from himself and getting your relationship to the top of his priority list. It tends to be all consuming and they only stop when they burn out. I’m sorry. That’s not really what you want to hear but some burn out very young (30s) so I guess that’s the silver lining.

You took back a liar and a cheat who us now lying again. What 'standards' are you referring to?

You really need to let each other go, for good this time.

Sounds like a chef.

And that was before the lying and cheating.

No industry makes you lie and cheat - this wasn’t the job, this was him.

Why would you take back someone who lies and cheats on you, regardless of what job they did.

He isn’t a good man and you can’t tell him what to do.

You’ve tried giving it a second go and there are already issues - it’s time to let this one go for good now.