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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP lied about job

182 replies

serenavanderwoodsenn · 31/08/2024 20:44

DP and I have had a rocky 12 months. His behaviour became unrecognisable as the industry he worked in has an awful culture with drinking after work with colleagues, cheating being rife within staff, there was constant lying that he had gone home (we don’t live together) after work when he wasn’t etc

ultimately, I ended the relationship earlier this year and I was admittedly devastated. We spent some time apart when he came back to support me through a traumatic event. I said I would only try again if he left that industry and it was his choice to make. He left the job and had a few weeks unemployed.

About 5/6 weeks ago he told me he’d found a job (completely different industry), did the interviews and got it. He’s been shifts since however I’ve found out this week he’s been working in the same industry. I was obviously livid as he cannot work in that industry without being sucked into the culture, that’s just his personality. He says he lied because I’d have left him if he didn’t. He wants to make us work. But AIBU to think this was the last shred of trust and he’s broken it? He’s trying to gaslight me that it’s not a big deal As he was earning money for us and I’m doubting myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
serenavanderwoodsenn · 31/08/2024 22:20

goody2shooz · 31/08/2024 21:39

Is he an MP? 🤪

I’d probably turn a blind eye to all of it if he was. Not living on £15 food budget a week and having a holiday home in St Ives would be nice 😂

OP posts:
Kellythekidd · 31/08/2024 22:25

Leave leave leave. You will never have a happy settled life with this man. Imagine having kids with this man. No job is it normal to just party every evening hes lying

TiaraBoo · 31/08/2024 22:25

I’d want them to choose to leave that industry and find about job. Sure I’d encourage them, but he has to want to do it for it to work.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 31/08/2024 22:37

So did he actually cheat and do drugs or not, OP? It's not clear from what you've written. Honestly, either way, you cannot dictate his career. And he's lied. So it's over anyway.

OpalHedgehog · 31/08/2024 22:38

Is he a chef?

Regardless of profession it sounds like the trust is gone for good I’m afraid.

Lavender14 · 31/08/2024 22:41

I think op the problem here is that you're blaming the culture/ the job/ the alcohol when actually you need to blame the man. He wasn't forced to do any of the things you've mentioned. He chose to do those things and he chose to prioritise them over you. It doesn't sound like a good lifestyle but he's an adult and it is not your job to fix him or rescue him. It's his job to grow up and make better choices for himself. The best outcome here is that you end up with a man child who is dependent on you acting like his mother to behave himself, that's not good for anyone, especially you.

Let him go, prioritise yourself. It sounds like you've had a hell of a time the last few years so you really don't need to be taking on his drama while you're getting back on your feet. Find someone who has their shit together and who can actually support you, be dependable and trustworthy and who you can actually build a life with. This guy will do that eventually when HE decides its time or when he finds someone he thinks is worth it.

Nicknacky · 31/08/2024 22:46

So has he cheated on you and does he take drugs?

GogAndMagog · 31/08/2024 22:46

He likes you, but not enough.

You like him, but not enough.

Just move on.

justasking111 · 31/08/2024 22:57

serenavanderwoodsenn · 31/08/2024 22:20

I’d probably turn a blind eye to all of it if he was. Not living on £15 food budget a week and having a holiday home in St Ives would be nice 😂

Show quote history

How does he afford all this post work carousing? Does he have debts?

Josette77 · 31/08/2024 23:04

Does he actually cheat or is that what his coworkers do?

How long has he been in this industry?

Josette77 · 31/08/2024 23:05

justasking111 · 31/08/2024 22:57

How does he afford all this post work carousing? Does he have debts?

Show quote history

I thought OP meant she had the small food budget, since she said she is struggling financially and lives with family.

Out of curiosity OP what industry are you in?

TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyArsehole · 31/08/2024 23:11

serenavanderwoodsenn · 31/08/2024 21:21

For clarification, the industry includes late nights and going to bars immediately after work. Drinking and doing drugs is almost a daily occurrence and then going to work on about 4 hours sleep, never having time to do any adult things because they just work, drink, get a little sleep and then go right to it the next day. It was killing him doing that. And that was before the lying and cheating.

wouldn’t any of you want to get somebody you loved out of that environment ?

Yes but it's difficult. I'd end it it's not worth spending your life trying to stop him throwing his away and putting his wages up his nose.

Iwantascone · 31/08/2024 23:16

He lied about what type of job he was doing. Dump him.

TheCultureHusks · 31/08/2024 23:18

I would end it. Honestly the chances are probably 75-80% that you’re going to end up in exactly the same heartbroken situation in a year’s time.

Not only does he ‘just have the personality’ which can’t resist pissing things up against the wall, including his relationship - he’s a liar. And also pretty thick? I mean - look at his logic. You said you’d only be with him if he quit that industry. So he goes back to that industry and lies to you instead, because that’s obviously not only the right thing to do, but also totally foolproof and you’d never find out. Right.

you have your whole life ahead of you. If you want it to be overall quite hard and probably pretty miserable - stay with shitheads like this, have their babies, buy houses with them. Guaranteed life of SHIT.

candycane222 · 31/08/2024 23:23

You can't trust him. He'd rather lie and have a relationship with you on false pretences, than treat you with respect and tell you the truth.

Not what you'd look for in a "partner" (actually id say more like on off boyfriend but anyway).

Merryoldgoat · 31/08/2024 23:25

He’s not cheating because he drinks - it’s because he wants to.

You are living in a fantasy if you think your issues would be solved by him leaving. He’s a druggie cheat.

Perhaps look at why your self esteem is so shot that you think he’s worth being with. I’d sooner be single forever that pit up with that shite.

ThinWomansBrain · 31/08/2024 23:32

Covid caused me to lose my home, I still haven’t financially recovered from covid as I wasn’t furloughed but lost my job so I live with family.

Maybe he doesn't fancy being unemployed for four years, or have family to fall back on.

Crystallizedring · 31/08/2024 23:37

You don't trust him and with good reason as he's lied to you. You do come across as a bit controlling too.
End it, for both your sakes.

Ethylred · 31/08/2024 23:39

"wouldn’t any of you want to get somebody you loved out of that environment ?"

Er, do you love him?

JennyForeigner · 31/08/2024 23:42

Chef?

Tough industry. I kind of get it.

PinkStingray · 31/08/2024 23:42

His behaviour indicates he has an alcohol/addiction problem.
I suggest you try to educate yourself about it and if this is really the case: run for the hills.
You can't change/rescue/save an addict, they have to get to the point of wanting to stop themselves ( usually once they reach rock bottom), you will just going to enter into a codependent relationship, hurting yourself and having to do a lot of work on yourself later.
Good luck and all the best.

dollopz · 31/08/2024 23:47

well he’s given up his job because he wants to be with you. He’s now working in a different place with different people and so why not give the relationship a try. It’s an odd assumption that he can’t stay faithful because ‘it’s just his personality’. You should be able to trust him everywhere including this new work place.

SummerHoHoHoNy · 31/08/2024 23:52

Lavender14 · 31/08/2024 22:41

I think op the problem here is that you're blaming the culture/ the job/ the alcohol when actually you need to blame the man. He wasn't forced to do any of the things you've mentioned. He chose to do those things and he chose to prioritise them over you. It doesn't sound like a good lifestyle but he's an adult and it is not your job to fix him or rescue him. It's his job to grow up and make better choices for himself. The best outcome here is that you end up with a man child who is dependent on you acting like his mother to behave himself, that's not good for anyone, especially you.

Let him go, prioritise yourself. It sounds like you've had a hell of a time the last few years so you really don't need to be taking on his drama while you're getting back on your feet. Find someone who has their shit together and who can actually support you, be dependable and trustworthy and who you can actually build a life with. This guy will do that eventually when HE decides its time or when he finds someone he thinks is worth it.

This. You need to value yourself more.

Itisjustmyopinion · 31/08/2024 23:58

Ultimatums are never a good foundation for a relationship

You don’t trust him so even if he got a job elsewhere there will be something else you don’t trust him about

If someone is going to cheat or do something daft then they are going to do it. Controlling where they can or can’t work is not going to change that

justasking111 · 01/09/2024 00:02

JennyForeigner · 31/08/2024 23:42

Chef?

Tough industry. I kind of get it.

I remember a pub in town hospitality staff went to after work it stayed open really late. The police raided it one night lots of drugs found. A girl I know worked there she regularly wiped up white powder on surfaces in the toilets.