DP lied about job

[serenavanderwoodsenn]

DP and I have had a rocky 12 months. His behaviour became unrecognisable as the industry he worked in has an awful culture with drinking after work with colleagues, cheating being rife within staff, there was constant lying that he had gone home (we don’t live together) after work when he wasn’t etc

ultimately, I ended the relationship earlier this year and I was admittedly devastated. We spent some time apart when he came back to support me through a traumatic event. I said I would only try again if he left that industry and it was his choice to make. He left the job and had a few weeks unemployed.

About 5/6 weeks ago he told me he’d found a job (completely different industry), did the interviews and got it. He’s been shifts since however I’ve found out this week he’s been working in the same industry. I was obviously livid as he cannot work in that industry without being sucked into the culture, that’s just his personality. He says he lied because I’d have left him if he didn’t. He wants to make us work. But AIBU to think this was the last shred of trust and he’s broken it? He’s trying to gaslight me that it’s not a big deal As he was earning money for us and I’m doubting myself.

I'm a bit confused on how he's your partner? You live separately which I assume is what you both prefer? But you do speak of him earning money for 'us'. In what way are you partners?

It can be hard to change industries and ultimately he would need to make money to put a roof over his head and food on the table?

It sounds like the bottom line is he isn't for you. You want a man with a very different lifestyle and I think trying to change him into someone he's not will leave you both miserable

Has he actually cheated OP? It’s unclear from your posts. Initially sounded like you were unhappy at how much he was drinking and going out but then you suggested he cheated.

You're blaming the culture when you need to look at his behaviour
You can't control his choices and he lied to keep you
This is toxic
Get rid and build up your life single

Your relationship is built on a lie. It has no future.

Cut your losses and grieve, but it's time to move on. You deserve better - and you will find better.

Wow ok. I haven’t been unemployed for four years. I lost my job as I had just started in a newly opened business literally open 3 weeks before lockdown. So none of us were entitled to be furloughed. I’ve had several jobs since and been in my current one for 2 years.

Genuinely a bit confused about some of the replies saying I’m controlling.

I was cheated on and lied to - I ended the relationship.
He wanted to come back - I say I’m not getting in a relationship again when he’s still working with the people he drank and cheated with as we couldn’t make a fresh start if he was still around all that.

I didn’t realise having standards was now controlling.

He's a drinking, drugging, lying cheater. Why on earth are you with him?

What industry is this?

This is relevant because it determines whether or not he can easily turn his skills to another industry or one with a less toxic culture. If he cannot or cannot without a large drop in income, then it is unreasonable to expect him to do it for you.

Anyway he lied so dump him.

You've had a rough ride, @serenavanderwoodsenn. Sending you every good wish for stabilising and rebuilding from here.

When my XH#2 remarried, his wife made it conditional on leaving the alcoholic, coke-snorting, high-octane industry we both worked in. Luckily for her, he already had a sideline he wanted to develop and - after a couple of stand-offs - he did so with her financial support, and it now seems to be working very well.

To be honest, I doubt his personality has changed. He's probably still cheating (in all senses of the word) but he's no longer living in a culture that treats dishonesty as the norm. So he'll have to try a bit harder to get his "one overs" in!

I loved that industry. My approach to the business was different from his, though: I managed just fine without breaking any laws or promises; I just enjoyed the pace and the glitter. It is a haven for chancers and egotists, but they need to be fairly well grounded (and smarter than XH#2) to make a success of it.

If your guy can't keep away from the shiny life, he's made his choice. You are not at all unreasonable to ask him to choose. This frees you up for a future with someone who values stability and normality as much as you do.

@Garlicfest what is this "the alcoholic, coke-snorting, high-octane industry"? I must be very sheltered.

Media related.

It also sounds like some finance roles. The high end of the finance industry has nearly caused the death of some people I know and nearly all their marriages have ended.

Yes, very similar to the City in terms of culture, @Ponoka7.

OP- is he a chef?

sorry posted too soon. I just ask about the chef thing as I know the chef industry is high pressured with a lot of cocaine use in some places, and a lot of the staff make use of the bar after their shifts.

anyway

Has he cheated on you, or does he just hang around with cheaters? It’s not been established whether HE’s definitely cheated on you.

either way, he shouldn’t have lied about coming out the industry, however he had this job before he met you I assume. You knew he had this job when you got with him. You had the choice then whether to be with him and you chose to. I’m afraid you have to accept it instead of trying to force him to leave the career he wants to do.

if you don’t trust him not to cheat and drink because of what his colleagues do then I’d suggest that maybe the relationship isn’t working. I also agree with PP that jobs are hard to come by and perhaps he doesn’t have family to fall back on.

think about it, would you be happy if he expected you to change career paths incase you might cheat on him?

edit: you say he’s cheated on you before. Get rid. Once the trust is lost with cheating it can never be regained. Even if he worked in a different industry, you’d not trust him again. There is no excuse for cheating, even if the folk around you encourage it.

I'm someone who believes that in certain circumstances, it can be possible to move past infidelity. However, for it ever to actually work the cheating partner needs to put in a hell of a lot of work. They have to be completely transparent as a bare minimum starting point. Your DP has shown that even before getting back into that world and having the nights out drinking and taking drugs, that you can't trust him because he lied to you about the job in the first place and told you that he had a job in a different industry. And it's been an ongoing lie that he has maintained for weeks.
Be kind to yourself and end it. You deserve better.

I've assumed from your posts that he has cheated whilst out drinking/taking drugs.

Read through the OP I was all set to comment with "What Regiment is he in?" but the part about getting a different job within a few weeks set me straight😂Just kidding, we're not all bad, even those of us who've retired lol. The things I've seen though - OMO washing powder isn't just a rumour, and the NAA.. eh, nevermind.

Jokes aside though, there's something really important here that a lot of users have picked up on already: Controlling and coercive behaviour. It's (finally, a few hundred years late but better than than never) now a criminal offence, and that law applies equally and rightfully to everybody, no caveats.
There's no "well of course I take all their money away the instant they get paid, otherwise I won't be able to buy myself enough cigarettes!"
There's no "Well of course I don't 'let' them leave the house alone, same as I cut their nice clothes up and tell them what they're allowed to wear!" Pro-tip: if you have to keep your partner chained up to keep them from talking to other people rather than to keep them on the edge for two hours straight then it's you, you are the problem.
Just the same as there's no "If you loved me you'd do what I order you to, but you keep being selfish by disobeying me. Walk out of the job I don't like you doing and I'll be really, really good to you, give you everything, blow your mind, drive you wild - but only once, for an hour or two, then I'll go back to making your life a misery while you turn yourself inside out trying to please me on the off chance I'll give you another five minutes attention six months from now"

Doesn't matter who says it to who or why it's said, coercive and controlling behaviour is a serious criminal offence, and rightly so.

Stockbroker?
Walk away OP. The big money payoff is not worth it.

If you have to control what he does is it really worth it?

Not saying it is right but if someone tried to give me an ultimatum whether clear or implied I may lie I am a grown up and can think for myself

I would accept them for who they are or not at all

I'd question his poor sense of judgement that you even have to point out to him that working in that negative environment is how he wants to earn a living. He should have come to that conclusion by himself without you needing to mention it.

The fact he's still in the industry says he enjoys that lifestyle otherwise he'd never have stayed.

your mistake was to give him an ultimatum that you'd walk away and leave him to it. You should have just walked away, end of.

surely you understand that being a cheater etc has all to do with who he is?

stop blaming it on his job/industry!!!

why would you take someone back who cheated repeatedly on you. What about your standards?

I would not want a relationship with someone who was in that environment. However, it's not up to anyone else to "get" them "out" of any environment. It's his choice if he wants to be in it. Just as it's your choice to end the relationship.

C'mon tell us what his job is. We're all dying to know.

What are YOU on?

Read the OP posts.

She's not telling him what to do.