DP lied about job

[serenavanderwoodsenn]

DP and I have had a rocky 12 months. His behaviour became unrecognisable as the industry he worked in has an awful culture with drinking after work with colleagues, cheating being rife within staff, there was constant lying that he had gone home (we don’t live together) after work when he wasn’t etc

ultimately, I ended the relationship earlier this year and I was admittedly devastated. We spent some time apart when he came back to support me through a traumatic event. I said I would only try again if he left that industry and it was his choice to make. He left the job and had a few weeks unemployed.

About 5/6 weeks ago he told me he’d found a job (completely different industry), did the interviews and got it. He’s been shifts since however I’ve found out this week he’s been working in the same industry. I was obviously livid as he cannot work in that industry without being sucked into the culture, that’s just his personality. He says he lied because I’d have left him if he didn’t. He wants to make us work. But AIBU to think this was the last shred of trust and he’s broken it? He’s trying to gaslight me that it’s not a big deal As he was earning money for us and I’m doubting myself.

He's a weak man who will find trouble wherever he is, I suspect.
You are not married, you have no children together and you don't even live together. He has cheated on you. This is who he is. Why would you stay?

If you think you can change him, you're on a hiding to nothing.

YADNBU
It's a losing battle I'm afraid.

Wild horses won't stop him because he is addicted to his lifestyle of mates, drink and drugs. This IS him.

It doesn't matter how lovely he is, or how well you get on, because his lifestyle will not change.

Please find someone else before his rejection of you, destroys you.

Good luck 💐

Sounds like a chef to me as OP mentions shifts.

You can't change a person and you can't dictate what he does with his life with ultimatums. It's not that easy to change career and maybe he just doesn't want to, so leave him to it.

If he's not what you want, which he clearly isn't, end it and don't pick it up again this time round.

Getting someone out of the kind of job you describe, sure I'd want them out. But they are an adult. Adults make choices. Now if he wanted out because of the drink and drugs, he would have left without your help.
He doesnt want out, he wants to do the drink and drugs, hes addicted. You stand zero chance of helping him unless and until he wants help.
Your relationship is over. Until he wants the same things you do. By which time I really hope you have moved on.

Is he a superstar DJ? Is that why you're being evasive about the industry?

God almighty, why on earth are people saying she is being controlling.

The OP was cheated on. She is well within her rights to say that she will only continue the relationship under certain circumstances. She's not forcing him to leave the industry, he had a choice.

He made that choice when he lied to her again. He chose that lifestyle over her.

There's no point continuing this relationship.

Your partner is the problem, not his environment. He cheated on you and if he's that way inclined, he'll do it again whether he's working in that industry or not.

Is he also never allowed to go out drinking with his friends again? Will he be able to go on holidays with his friends? He made the decision to stay out drinking, take drugs & cheat. Those things aren't compulsory in any profession!

Unless you literally lock him in his house and use camera surveillance you won't stop him! You speak of having standards as though your ultimatum demonstrates that you have high ones. Lift the bar a bit higher and walk away. Don't let his man turn to into a jealous, paranoid, controlling partner.

Raise your standards even higher and end it with this man. Leave him to it, and go live your life free from worry, stress, and anxiety. Relationships should bring joy and light to your life, and this sounds the exact opposite. So why bother?

I wouldn't love it if anyone I loved was in a job with a culture like this...specifically the binge drinking and drugs...be it my sister, brother, son, friend etc. But the 'cheating' bit you are looking at in the wrong way, I think. If a grown adult wants to have a job/lifestyle where there's a culture that they meet other adults in clubs and kiss or have sex with them, that's fine. They can do this...it's the fact that he is doing it when he already has a partner that's the issue...not the job itself. He shouldn't have to change career to be able to not cheat...he just needs to not cheat!

Regardless, he's not worth it and you need to move on. This really is an easy aibu, OP. The easiest I've seen today. You need to dump him!

Heavy drinkers and drug users do not cheat by accident as they nearly always need some added help to perform.
He is also a gaslighter and a liar.
Even if everything else about him is perfect, you are worth more.
Your self-worth and esteem will not thank you for staying with this man.

I get where you are coming from, that you want to get him out of that environment, but you can’t do that. You can help someone get out of an environment they choose to leave but they have to choose. He has chosen to go back for more of the same. Being with someone with that lifestyle doesn’t suit you so you need to move on. He lies to so you can’t trust him. For you to have a relationship you’re happy in this one needs to end.

he is not the man for you, you don’t hold the same values or want the same things. Just chalk this one upto experience and move on.

I don’t have family and the friends I have aren’t really close. I found out that the contraception we had used had failed and I was pregnant. I made the choice to have an abortion as we weren’t together at this point and he wouldn’t have supported the child.
I miscarried before the abortion but was advised to still take abortion tablets to expel everything. It didn’t work and I had retained tissue still. I was very ill, bleeding constantly and needed to go to hospital and he helped me through that with accompanying me etc. I needed someone to physically be there not just emotionally so I wouldn’t really say it was a mistake

You cannot dictate another person’s actions. You either accept them as they are and trust them and move on, or accept they aren’t the person for you.

My DH has zero restrictions on him and I have none either. We treat each other with kindness and respect because we love each other and want to make each other happy.

I don’t remain faithful because there are obstacles to cheating - both of us could’ve cheated many times over but in 19 years it’s never occurred to me - I remain faithful because my relationship and my integrity matter to me.

You seem to be making lots of assumptions when you don't work in the industry.

Im not making assumptions, I worked in the same industry years ago. I know the stuff that goes on in it, I was raped while working in this industry and because of the environment it is, it was all swept under the rug. I know exactly what goes on.

I don’t have family

But you said you live with family…

She did 🤔

It's controlling to dictate which job he can or cannot do, sorry.
I can understand why his job might influence his lifestyle, but in the end it is the lifestyle you can't deal with, not the job. And if drinking and taking drugs is part of his lifestyle, he will go back to it one way or another, whatever job he does.

You just need to call it quit and leave him, for your own sake.

I do live with family but meant I don’t have family to support me. We have never gotten along due to childhood abuse, I don’t have their support

Good on your son for having his priorities sorted. His life sounds lovely!

Are you going to tell anyone what the industry is? It might help as there could be people here who have experience/ have spouses who work in the same industry. It’s quite relevant to the post.

It’s completely irrelevant as there’ll be countless people who no doubt say ‘I know someone in that profession and they don’t take drugs/go out everyday/etc’

How is this relevant and how is it gonna help op? It will only help nosy people to satisfy their curiosity or deny her her experiences😂
Op has experience working in this industry so she knows what she's talking about.

If you are incapable of grasping why OP's behaviour is wrong just by, what was it now.. "Read the OP posts.", if that is beyond your comprehension then I'm afraid I have neither enough patience nor enough crayons to explain this in a way you would be able to meaningfully understand.

However, however... competence with the English language - or lack henceforth thereof in some cases - isn't really the issue here, or at least not the only one, is it? What's interesting to note is that of all the users who've expressed the same thing I have, even the one who rightfully and justifiably raised the fact that the userbase here would be screaming blue bloody murder if a man had said those same things about a woman, the only one you've singled out for an attack is me.

Now, a sceptical person might be forgiven for thinking the reason you've attacked me specifically and no one else is that it's clear from my post that I'm a man. They might start to think that you're projecting your own marital issues on to me, or assuming men are all stupid and won't dare answer back so you can just say "IM NOT CONTROLLING YOU YOU FORCED ME TO TREAT YOU LIKE THIS, THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD" and it won't be an issue, or...

I'm not sceptical though, so I'm sure you meant well.

I swear there are more lunatics on MN every week 🤨

It's irrelevant what the actual job is. As already evidenced on this thread, the lifestyle she describes is common in:
media;
finance;
recruitment;
catering;
entertainment;
the armed forces.
I can think of a few more, but it doesn't matter.

It's not controlling to tell a partner they must choose between your relationship and a particular job. It is never reasonable to lie to a partner about how you earn your living. Wordy, didactic essays don't make it reasonable.

OP, this idiot isn't your only hope! Ditch him for good and free yourself up for somebody more trustworthy.