To think mum has become a child

[northchesterforest]

I want to start off by saying that I love my Mum and would do anything for her but I'm worried about how much she has aged in the past year alone, and how spending time with her feels like looking after a child sometimes.

She recently turned 71. Some off top of my head examples:

• in a cafe or restaurant telling me what she wants to order in a whisper vs speaking directly to the waiter
• she has given up her car but is relying on me to book any public/train travel
• relying on me to sort any tech issue (phone contract, issue with sky etc)
• I have to do absolutely all of her online shopping for her
• acting clueless at even the smallest of tasks (ie. I asked her if she could turn my oven on to pre heat dinner, she said after 30 seconds that she didn't understand how to do it without even trying - it honestly is a basic oven)
• if we travel anywhere on a day trip she has to be guided everywhere, everything taken care of for her. Even shown where the toilets are and help crossing the road.

I'm not concerned about dementia etc. I think she feels very comfortable with not 'challenging' herself and relying on me. I'm an only child FYI, late twenties (she had me later), married but no kids. My Mum is never married, dad not around.

AIBU to think that this is too early and extreme, or should I face up to the facts of life that she is 71 now and accept she won't try to be more independent. I feel so bad writing this but it's driving me a bit crazy and hope things aren't just downhill from here...

Way too early unless she is unwell

That sounds unusual. Parents here almost 10 years older and still do everything themselves.

Also provide childcare for grandchildren and travel independently.

The fact that she has only become like this in the past year is concerning, and although you say you’re not, I would be worried about the start of dementia as the signs are there.

Are you absolutely sure she doesn't have dementia?

Sorry, OP. But that's just how dementia starts.

Make an appointment with her GP and write them a letter about all her symptoms, before you both go.

How can you be so sure there isn’t something wrong with her? I’d be very concerned there is and would tell her of your concerns and want her to visit a Dr.

Surely, if her personality has changed dramatically in the last 12 months, you have to consider there is a problem?

Have you tried talking to her to see if she's aware of the change in her behaviours? Because if she's not OP, this sounds very much like how my close family members' dementia started & she was around the same age. I'm sorry. Perhaps she's had a total loss of confidence either?

You need to stop doing things for her.

My mum is like this, my dad does everything for her (despite him being very partially sighting and having Parkinson’s).

He’s 15 years older than her and when he does she’ll be helpless.

Don’t let her become helpless.

It's gotten worse but I wouldn't actually say that she has 'changed dramatically'. She has never been super independent and she has always had a habit of giving up on things easily that she isn't interesting in learning and just getting me to do it. I do feel like if I really push her she knows how to and will do these things herself which is why I'm not necessarily concerned that she isn't capable. It feels more like a choice.
But I could be wrong?

There is definitely a loss of confidence there. She is very bubbly outwardly but quite a sensitive person and she immediately thinks ' I can't do that' rather than 'maybe I can try that'

Why has she given up her car? Was she advised to, on medical grounds?
Her behaviour sounds very odd for a 71yo. Has something happened to completely knock her confidence? Obviously people will immediately think she has early onset dementia, but does she exhibit any memory problems? It would be worth encouraging her to see her GP, who may refer her for a CT head and to a Memory Clinic if dementia seems to be the cause. A CT scan will show any vascular or degenerative changes in the brain, and a Memory Clinic assessment will confirm the diagnosis, if, indeed, that is the case.

Is depression a possibility? The total lack of confidence sounds like an anxiety and depression, whispering to you instead of talking to the waiter... By any chance did this ramp up since COVID? Maybe time being isolated really pushed her further into a lack of confidence.

I think she needs to see her GP. Perhaps write a letter with your concerns so the GP can read it beforehand.

My Mum got a bit like this - I hadn't appreciated the degree to which her eyesight was impaired though.

If there is no medical reason you need to take a little step back and make her be more independent as in if she needs to what somewhere you are busy that day she will need to get herself there that kind of thing . I do think some parents once children are grown regress and the children essentially become the parents , it's very unfair but maybe you just need to put your foot down a little or say in situations like the cafe you tell her what you want and leave her no option but to order for both of you

Get a dementia assessment. Loss of confidence and becoming reliant on others for everyday tasks is quite common.

My Mum was the most fiercely independent woman I've known. She had a hellish time in her youth and overcame adversity multiple times to get to where she wanted to be. She was absolutely fearless and would take on anyone and anything. But when dementia took over, she needed to hold my hand to feel confident enough to cross the road.

Early diagnosis can help with delaying a more severe onset and helping with strategies to manage the symptoms and impact.

I asked her if she could turn my oven on to pre heat dinner, she said after 30 seconds that she didn't understand how to do it without even trying - it honestly is a basic oven

I'm afraid that's absolutely typical of dementia, OP.
An inability to understand how to operate things, even simple things, always happens to these patients.

Your post has early dementia written all over it, OP. Especially the example of pre-heating the oven 😩

Definitely worth getting your mum an assessment with her GP. These symptoms could be a sign of the beginning of onset of dementia ( it can be very insidious) so it initially doesn’t seem like much but it builds over time and it’s then difficult to assess how much has changed as you adapt your behaviour to compensate. Alternatively some of the behaviours you describe could be anxiety / depression. For an otherwise healthy 71 yr old these behaviours aren’t usual, it’s what you might expect to start exhibiting in an 80 / 85 year old.

I would definitely take her to her GP for a check-up. You are not qualified to determine whether this is early onset dementia, depression, anxiety or other. My MIL has no confidance in herself and DH has to do lots of basic things that even one of my children could help her out with. She got miffed when I proposed that DS 11 y o could help her😄. But she is really lovely and not lazy at all, she just lacks confidance in dealing with anything her late husband used to deal with.

My mum went through a period of this, and I (being trained and enmeshed from an early age) enabled it. So yes giving me her order in a restaurant when the waiter is standing there, expecting me to do all her admin/car tax/insurance etc. We had a bit of a falling out a few years ago and she's obviously resolved not to ask me if she can so that is a bit better but she still defaults to asking me and will really not bother with me unless she has a "job" for me to do which is also irritating. I now when a problem is verbalised do not jump in to help, I may say oh what are you going to do. She is very proud of herself if she rings someone like her energy supplier. I bite my tongue a lot.

Take her to GP and start looking at sheltered accommodation.

Unfortunately it’s sounds very similar to the start of my mums dementia. She was only about 68 when it started. Very easily confused

Very worrying, especially if she's not actually got dementia yet, as they're the signs she's heading that way and will probably accelerate if she does start down the dementia road.

Sounds like she needs some "hard love" to take more responsibility for herself and stop relying on others, as it will just get worse. If someone else is doing more and more, there's a tendency to be lazy and not even try to do it themselves or keep up with things that change.

If she's not got dementia, I think you need to start pulling back and forcing her to do more herself and taking more responsibility for herself. However hard that may be.

From my (very limited) experience of parents, in laws, etc., it seems to be a slippery slope that turns into dementia after a few years. My mother started going down the road, but I applied the "tough love" and made her continue to do things, learn new things, never took over if she was struggling, never offered lifts for short distances she could walk, etc., so we kind of reversed the trend. Obviously can't prove it, but she never got dementia despite living into her mid 80s - brain still sharp the day she died, and happily using online banking, smart phone etc.

My MIL is the opposite. Obviously I can't control her as I have to leave it up to OH. She was going down the "helpless" route in her 60s and it just got worse and worse, the less she did, the less she could do, a real downward spiral, but brain was fine, it was just sheer laziness especially as she knew someone else would do things for her, run around after her, etc - being in your 60s is way to early for that kind of dependence and incapability especially as she had no illness or health problems. After around 10 years of regression, she started down the dementia route - again, can't prove it, but I think it was lack of using her brain, lack of exercise, etc that actually brought on the dementia in the end. Now she's barely capable of anything.