To think mum has become a child

[northchesterforest]

I want to start off by saying that I love my Mum and would do anything for her but I'm worried about how much she has aged in the past year alone, and how spending time with her feels like looking after a child sometimes.

She recently turned 71. Some off top of my head examples:

• in a cafe or restaurant telling me what she wants to order in a whisper vs speaking directly to the waiter
• she has given up her car but is relying on me to book any public/train travel
• relying on me to sort any tech issue (phone contract, issue with sky etc)
• I have to do absolutely all of her online shopping for her
• acting clueless at even the smallest of tasks (ie. I asked her if she could turn my oven on to pre heat dinner, she said after 30 seconds that she didn't understand how to do it without even trying - it honestly is a basic oven)
• if we travel anywhere on a day trip she has to be guided everywhere, everything taken care of for her. Even shown where the toilets are and help crossing the road.

I'm not concerned about dementia etc. I think she feels very comfortable with not 'challenging' herself and relying on me. I'm an only child FYI, late twenties (she had me later), married but no kids. My Mum is never married, dad not around.

AIBU to think that this is too early and extreme, or should I face up to the facts of life that she is 71 now and accept she won't try to be more independent. I feel so bad writing this but it's driving me a bit crazy and hope things aren't just downhill from here...

it depends whether you think she can’t do these things or is pretending she can’t. DHs mother pretended she couldn’t do things because she wanted DH to spend more time there (actually move in with her) and manage her life for her.

I remember her pretending she didn’t understand how all the different television channels worked, she forgot the next day and was telling me what her favourite channels were (she was definitely pretending) and showing me.

Yes - a lady I knew forgot how to turn her hob off and taps off. Turning something anticlockwise totally confused her. It was definitely dementia in her case.

She's much too young to behave like this. I'm 72 and carry on as normal including often driving 150 miles to see friends. She's behaving like a 90 year old, not 71!

Deffo speak to her GP

It's sounds like dementia but could have happily regressed. Either way, you need to get her assessed and get some support in place - if only for you!

Dementia can start much earlier than the seventies!

I carry dementia reviews. I’m with PP this has early onset dementia all over it.

I work in a dementia unit and can confirm this awful disease can start much earlier, I have looked after people in their 50s.

A lot of your post reminded me of my mum who has been diagnosed at the early stages of Alzheimer’s… I felt for a long time before the memory loss became obvious that she had become very ‘helpless’ in life…

it could be hearing or sight loss as well though maybe

I hear you, my mum has become much more frail in the past 2-3 years, she’s also early 70s.

The physical ailments are real, though she won’t take steps to help herself like a new hip etc.

In mum’s case, English isn’t her first language and she seems to now totally rely on her adult dc to do everything for her. (This is only recent, she did work and pay taxes until she retired, before the Nigel Farage types talk about integration).

Your response, badbadbunny, isn't helpful at all and shows a dramtic misunderstanding of this cruel disease... dementia can't be 'fought off' in the way you describe.

My mum was fiercely independent, did two crosswords a day (one a cryptic), sudoku of an evening, socially aware and involved, wide circle of friends and active in a lot of groups - she still got dementia and in less than 6 months was a shadow of the woman she was. She would've HATED who she became and, if she had been able, would've done anything to stave it off.

Sorry - you've really touched a nerve but reminds me of a well intentioned friend saying I should just ensure my mum ate more turmeric and she'd be able to turn it around! If only it was that easy...

Sadly not at all too young for dementia.

My mum is early 70s and has similar traits, my friends mum is also the same. Both are single women. Challenged by really small things, childish in mood and reactions at times. My mum in particular was a very dynamic woman when she was younger, had senior role in an NHS setting, ran her own businesses in the past, raised children alone whilst working several jobs and studying. She doesn't feel like the same person at all at times.

To put it in context, my grandmother is almost 88 and does all her shopping, cooking and cleaning independently. Gets public transport to go to the shops and to church. Sorts everything to do with house repair (organising and liaising with the council and repairmen) and upkeep herself. I'm really surprised to hear your experience with your mum at 71

Is it possible that she is lonely and wanting your attention and affection? If you are an acts of service type of person she may be playing on that - it might even mostly be subconscious.. my granny can be like that sometimes. Could probably do it herself at a push but prefers the ease of not doing it and that it means we’ll be there to do it again.
I also wonder whether her eye sight and hearing could be in decline making her less confident with certain tasks (like reading numbers on an oven or hearing a waiter speak) x

edit to add: if there has been something new and time consuming in your life (like a new partner, baby or pet) she might be feeling jealous and like she needs to pull you back

OP have you noticed any actual memory problems or problems with decision making or planning?

Even if it isn’t dementia, this sounds very difficult for you.

I am sorry that you’re only in your twenties and going through this.

I remember my DM saying this about my DGM. She said that DGM had become a child and she had to be the mother.

If she raised you alone, being way over 50, without a husband or a man, how you say she has never been too independent? Who paid her bills and did things for you both?

Dementia starts slowly and takes a long time, sometimes decades.

With my nana the first real signs where reminiscing on the same childhood stories everyday and again, wandering round constantly looking for jobs to do but not finding them so just wandering (but she was always very active), forgetting cups of tea and over feeding the cat.

Other than that she seemed fine, very spritely and spitited, still loved her favorite tv shows, would give scam callers an earful like always, dressed to her exceptionally high standards everyday and did all her normal tasks etc...

Its tiny little things that creep in so slow you don't really notice.

This is exactly what my mum was doing (she's 70). She has a long history of anxiety and general dependence on others (previously my dad before and after they separated) plus she lives alone but is not socially isolated so we assumed it was a worsening of this and general aging. I was convinced they would say it's GAD and had always thought she just needed to get more confident and be more proactive; things didnt seem considerably worse than they had always been. An assessment and MRI confirmed early stages of dementia, most likely alzheimers. She couldn't work out how to open our microwave door recently and has no idea how to navigate Google maps for example, and she can't cook from a recipe anymore. When we are out I order and take care of choosing a table etc. She tells the same stories multiple times per visit and it is becoming hard to follow her flow of conversation. But she is functional at home and her long term memory isn't suffering. I'd honestly get an assessment even if just to rule it out. My dad is the same age and is the polar opposite

Yes mydc grandfather developed Earl onset dementia at 57

This message in particular is quite frightening to me as I'm having never similar experiences. It's impossible to follow the trail of her conversation sometimes and she repeats herself so so much.

Yes, I'm wondering this. Because if she is 70 now, then she would have been a single parent at a time when there was less financial and social support to lean on. If she has always been a dependent sort of person, who was she leaning on?

In any case I would ask her to make an appointment with her GP because it is not normal to be unable to switch on an oven or order her own food. Explain that if her GP does not find anything amiss (or she refuses to go) you will not be supporting her as if she has a disability.

She was in her 40s and I'm referring to my experience of my mum as an adult, not how she raised me when I was a child. We have a loving relationship and I value her immensely.

That doesn't really answer the question. Did she work and run and maintain a house and car by herself for all those years?

Yes she did, she was a single mom. And she is very close with her family and was with her parents.