To think mum has become a child

[northchesterforest]

I want to start off by saying that I love my Mum and would do anything for her but I'm worried about how much she has aged in the past year alone, and how spending time with her feels like looking after a child sometimes.

She recently turned 71. Some off top of my head examples:

• in a cafe or restaurant telling me what she wants to order in a whisper vs speaking directly to the waiter
• she has given up her car but is relying on me to book any public/train travel
• relying on me to sort any tech issue (phone contract, issue with sky etc)
• I have to do absolutely all of her online shopping for her
• acting clueless at even the smallest of tasks (ie. I asked her if she could turn my oven on to pre heat dinner, she said after 30 seconds that she didn't understand how to do it without even trying - it honestly is a basic oven)
• if we travel anywhere on a day trip she has to be guided everywhere, everything taken care of for her. Even shown where the toilets are and help crossing the road.

I'm not concerned about dementia etc. I think she feels very comfortable with not 'challenging' herself and relying on me. I'm an only child FYI, late twenties (she had me later), married but no kids. My Mum is never married, dad not around.

AIBU to think that this is too early and extreme, or should I face up to the facts of life that she is 71 now and accept she won't try to be more independent. I feel so bad writing this but it's driving me a bit crazy and hope things aren't just downhill from here...

Please take her to the doctor and get a referral for dementia testing.
I was a specialist dementia nurse BTW.

OP Did either of her parents die of dementia?
Or her grandparents?

No they didn't

Sounds awful, very unpleasant, age doesn’t always mean good health

She gave up driving because of loss of confidence on the roads/ fear of fast drivers

OP. I’m another one who sees somesigns of dementia in your description of your mum.

I would see the GP and try to get an appointment for the local memory clinic.

My Mum refuses to engage on how to learn to use a lift ie pressing the right button. She stands there waiting for other people to do it but she's always been like this and it's not dementia. I haven't sorry read all the replies, has she always been quite independent? My Mum never has so I've always known dementia has never been the cause- although she likes to jump on that theory.

Sounds similar to the start of my mum's alzheimer's. She gradually stopped doing things as "they've made it so complicated now" when there was no or only a minor change. She can still cope as long as things don't change but I'm dreading when her microwave or washing machine eventually need replacing. Eventually even a change in the design of her credit card threw her and she couldn't recognise what it was for a long time.

Was she basically propped up by her family all her life? I am wondering whether first her parents and then her sibling(s) may have taken care of difficult things for her, and now they are gone she needs you to do that for her?

Maybe she’s just lost confidence. She’s getting older in an ever changing world. It’s not impossible to imagine that she’s just not feeling as confident as she did. I suspect it’s not dementia.

I was/am extremely confident & used to tell my mum off at ‘I don’t like motorways’, now, I totally get it.

I'm sorry, but this sounds concerning. It's not necessarily dementia (but could be), but potentially neurological (tumour etc - this doesn't necessarily mean cancer). She needs a scan at the very least. I'm sorry

Could it be that she just can’t be bothered and has hit retirement age/doesn’t have to be as competent anymore and so doesn’t make the effort? My mum is 79 and very different but she did say to me ‘I have to make the effort or I will get left behind.’ That was about using the pay at pump petrol stations. She got us to show her how to use online shopping/new smart tv/online banking but does it all independently now.

What would happen if you were a bit blunter with her, for instance with online shopping ‘I’ll show you again but next time you need to do it yourself as I can’t always be doing this.’ She’s only 70 and could live another 20 years, you can’t be doing everything for that long…

My mums like this and she isn't even 60 yet. I honestly wonder how the hell she managed to bring me up!

Sadly in her case alcohol clearly has a significantly large role to play however I theorise that she enjoys being babied and feels she's owed it as
-she looked after me
-shes looked after her folks, one of whoms died
-she's likely feeling lost; divorces, not really a career woman, empty nester
-nobody else other than me can fulfil this role. My brother and her boyfriend are useless and she's a carer to her mum

I don't have any advice but I do see and understand you. Maybe you can relate to me as i have to you. It isn't easy to feel the tables turning. I guess the only thing we all feel I'm common is the need to have a mum ❤️

Obviously people will immediately think she has early onset dementia, but does she exhibit any memory problems?

My late mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and probable vascular dementia (which often occur together) in her late 80s. She'd had obvious memory problems for some time. But one of her earliest symptoms was loss of confidence in situations where she had previously been confident.

MRI and CT scans would also show whether someone has had any "silent" strokes.

If it’s a choice, you’re enabling it.

Stop. Now. For her.

Let her manage. If it’s dementia (unlikely) you’ll find out early enough to get the meds that slow it down. If she’s an arsehole, you’re doing her a favour.

You have the same age gap as I did with my mum. Unfortunately she did pass away in her early 70s but she was pretty compus mentis and was still working part time, going out, and doing what a person of that age does!! She never drove so that wasn’t an issue, but her friends of the same age were still driving.

Let her manage. If it’s dementia (unlikely) you’ll find out early enough to get the meds that slow it down.

They don't necessarily slow it down for long.

Alcohol turns people into dependents much faster. Brain damage and personality changes, none of which are good for anyone in the same room.

Also, alcoholics know other people rescue them.

@supportpangolin no they don’t - but even a year’s better than nothing, not least for the poor bloody family.

I'm wondering this too.

Was she ever able to use a smartphone or PC to do banking or grocery shopping online or is this a new thing?

You will need to look into POA, OP.

Don't delay.

I couldn't imagine my mum using pay at pump. She can't use google maps, google on her phone, she has never used online banking.
She doesn't trust herself to order things online as she thinks she will make a mistake or be scammed.

She also has started to avoid any thriller/tense movies or tv shows as they make her really anxious.

That's how my mum's dementia presented. It was vascular dementia and she didn't have a lot of memory loss but her confidence and what they call 'executive function' - decision making and judgment- deteriorated quite rapidly. It may be how she's inclined but I'd get her to see a dementia team as soon as you can- there is help for her and you x

I urge you to get PoA for health and finance in place very very quickly. You can download the forms and do them yourself, please don't delay.

I echo others sounding the alarm for some sort of neurological issue starting. Please don't discount hearing loss and eyesight deterioration, get those tested too.

I think you're right to be concerned, especially with the repeating herself - this is one of the first things I noticed with my MIL. I would get your mum to her GP for an assessment. Dementia can definitely start in early 70s. Also, an eye test and hearing test would be a good idea as these can both deteriorate at her age and have a significant impact on her being able to function normally.