To think mum has become a child

[northchesterforest]

I want to start off by saying that I love my Mum and would do anything for her but I'm worried about how much she has aged in the past year alone, and how spending time with her feels like looking after a child sometimes.

She recently turned 71. Some off top of my head examples:

• in a cafe or restaurant telling me what she wants to order in a whisper vs speaking directly to the waiter
• she has given up her car but is relying on me to book any public/train travel
• relying on me to sort any tech issue (phone contract, issue with sky etc)
• I have to do absolutely all of her online shopping for her
• acting clueless at even the smallest of tasks (ie. I asked her if she could turn my oven on to pre heat dinner, she said after 30 seconds that she didn't understand how to do it without even trying - it honestly is a basic oven)
• if we travel anywhere on a day trip she has to be guided everywhere, everything taken care of for her. Even shown where the toilets are and help crossing the road.

I'm not concerned about dementia etc. I think she feels very comfortable with not 'challenging' herself and relying on me. I'm an only child FYI, late twenties (she had me later), married but no kids. My Mum is never married, dad not around.

AIBU to think that this is too early and extreme, or should I face up to the facts of life that she is 71 now and accept she won't try to be more independent. I feel so bad writing this but it's driving me a bit crazy and hope things aren't just downhill from here...

My mother tried this with a lot of things after she was widowed. Quite simple things such as turning a heater on. It was partly attention seeking and partly refusal to take responsibility. I stepped back because I knew she was more than capable of doing these things. She never developed dementia.

I would be really concerned about that. My mum is the same age, and doesn't behave like that at all.

She's only a year older than me and I'm nothing like that

I think you should have a chat with the GP

Has she recently had her hearing checked? My mum lost a lot of confidence at a similar age and we became concerned that she was starting with dementia. It turned out that she had suffered a considerable amount of hearing loss and was feeling disorientated by not being able to hear what was going on around her. Once she was sorted out with a hearing aid, she was back to her capable, independent self!

Mind I'm with her on the thriller type things.

I fast-forward a lot now!

This sounds exactly like how my gran was with early Alzheimer’s. I thing you need to book an assessment. It can start as early as 50’s.

Why do you say "early onset dementia"? I thought that was dementia beginning before age 65. Are you suggesting she's already 6years into dementia?

My Mum was exactly the same… struggled to make a decision (always ordered what I had when we went out), couldn’t find the loo in restaurants, couldn’t find her way back to the table, stopped contacting her friends (she’d always been so social)…, she lost her confidence, struggled with household gadgets… I worried about her memory but also so wanted her to be ok that I found excuses to explain away her behaviour, as did my Dad… She was of course eventually diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I just didn’t want to see it… I’ve lost her now, loved her so much… wish I’d been more understanding earlier. My Mum managed to get through several dementia tests with the GP before she was finally diagnosed but looking back the signs were so clear, we just didn’t want to see them. Would advise getting power of attorney in place for health and finances asap if you haven’t already (before a diagnosis… difficult to get once diagnosed..). If it is dementia you will need to put your big girl pants on - this is what I just wasn’t ready to do… wanted my Mum to remain as she always had.. I ended up making many decisions for her and my Dad before they died. I eventually got my act together and coped with the reversal of roles and looked after them, they had always done such a good job of looking after me and my family. Good luck OP x

I'm sorry but that's so ignorant and offensive to the poor souls who do develop dementia. They are not lazy people - who didn't do enough for themselves.

As you said you are not experienced or qualified in this area, and although you are entitled to your opinion, this is unbelievably hurtful to people who suffer from this and those who care for them. Shameful

I'm sorry you had to read that posters comment. It's disgusting. Thinking of you and your beautiful mother.

So many people with experience of Dementia :-(

My dad was diagnosed last year but in all honesty hasn't been himself for 5/6 years. My husband and I discussed after diagnosis and realised we couldn't really remember when he was last him which in itself was heartbreaking. Again, it was the small things. Unable to process a basic instruction (eg asking him to put something in the bin and he'd stand staring at you confused), very repetitive particularly re. childhood stories and very high anxiety / depressive like episodes when he spends time sitting with his head in his hands contemplating life.

The above being said, my mum has also massively lost confidence and definitely does not have dementia (although does have Stage 3 Cancer). She is terrified of decision making, technology and anything new and unable to do it without my presence. I also find she's often unwilling to try and just says she can't which drives me crazy.

I'd definitely get a dementia check but have experience of both routes (sadly).

Utter pish. My beautiful mother didn't develop Alzheimers in her early 50s because she was lazy or couldn't be bothered to fight it.

OP I agree that you should get POA completed for your mum and then encourage her to see her GP. Hopefully this is just a temporary loss of confidence/growing anxiety that can be improved.

@Badbadbunny I suggest you educate yourself before you contribute to any threads about dementia. Your current level of knowledge is woeful. Like many my mother was, and still is, socially active. Used to go to U3A and scrabble competitions etc. Used the Internet extensively for shopping etc. Loved crosswords and scrabble. But she has gradually lost the ability to do so many things because of alzheimer's NOT the other way round.

Your mum’s my age, I’d be thinking of an eye test to ensure vision is ok and no start of cataracts. Also hearing checked. A basic health check really. Easy to lose confidence and things can creep up gradually.

It's different when they're a couple. In my experience anyway, single older people lose confidence more quickly.

@northchesterforest I am honestly saying this with kindness, but you are not qualified to determine whether you should be worried about dementia, unless you are a specialist.

You mentioned she is repeating herself a lot, too, on top of her loss of confidence. Scary as it may be you need to take her to the GP. Be prepared for her to fiercely deny there is a problem, but stand firm.

Definitely make sure she has an eye test too though.

Until the OPs mum has seen a doctor it couldbe a be a number of things - hearing, sight, early stage dementia, TIAs or even just losing confidence due to arthritis meaning some movements are difficult. But getting a parent to the GP/optician/hearing test can be difficult if they are scared of what they might gear.

@Badbadbunny sad that you haven’t bothered to educate yourself about dementia given the effect it has had on members of your family. Your post is beyond ignorant. Maybe you should read up so you can be more empathetic.

People with early stage dementia stop doing things because of the dementia. Because of neurological issues. Laziness doesn’t cause people to merrily trot down “the dementia route”.That route isn’t a path people bloody well choose to go down! How do you not get that?

My mother gradually lost confidence after being a very adventurous, have-a-go type of woman. She started refusing to learn new things like how to use a smart phone. Then she had a stroke and, although well recovered, she forgot how to do everything she'd learned during the past fifteen years, including how to use a computer.

It turned out she'd been having mini-strokes for a long time. Now in her 90s, she does NOT have dementia. But she had been suffering incremental brain damage for years, and that's what undermined her capacity.

There are limits to what could've been done, but earlier detection could have prevented the bigger stroke and reduced the frequency of TIAs.

Other things can cause this sort of decline, as well. I second talking to her GP about your concerns.

Loss of confidence is very common with age, but this sounds a bit more than that. My DM had dementia, what you describe is very consistent with her decline.

Before doing anything you need to get POA organised. Do it now because it will be more difficult once she has a diagnosis of dementia (which, sadly, I think is likely). In my experience care homes and social services are less insistent on it (I think they’re just glad to have a responsible adult to work with) but banks are completely inflexible.

So sorry, OP, it’s a difficult journey but best tackled earlier than struggling later.

If she does have dementia (I hope for Op’s sake that she doesn’t) making her do things for herself, as suggested by some pps) is unlikely to help.

People who don’t understand dementia often like to say ‘use it or lose it’, not understanding that ‘it’ is probably already lost - that is, if the person has been capable before.

Have a google of Teepa Snow, she was a massive support to us as a family while my grandmother had dementia. If it is dementia she explains their behaviour really well, offers coping strategies and helps you understand why certain behaviours are happening. Good luck.

My DM is like this in some ways. Refuses to use any tech at all, won't interact with waiters etc. In her case it's not dementia, she just has no interest in tech, and she has substantial hearing loss so wants someone else to deal with interactions.

Where she differs though OP from your DM is that she doesn't repeat herself, that does seem concerning.

Sounds like cognitive impairment to me which can be a prelude to dementia. I had it with my own Mum and I am also an only so she was mainly completely reliant on me. It is really hard but try and be supportive but maybe try and get other people involved in her care.