To think mum has become a child

[northchesterforest]

I want to start off by saying that I love my Mum and would do anything for her but I'm worried about how much she has aged in the past year alone, and how spending time with her feels like looking after a child sometimes.

She recently turned 71. Some off top of my head examples:

• in a cafe or restaurant telling me what she wants to order in a whisper vs speaking directly to the waiter
• she has given up her car but is relying on me to book any public/train travel
• relying on me to sort any tech issue (phone contract, issue with sky etc)
• I have to do absolutely all of her online shopping for her
• acting clueless at even the smallest of tasks (ie. I asked her if she could turn my oven on to pre heat dinner, she said after 30 seconds that she didn't understand how to do it without even trying - it honestly is a basic oven)
• if we travel anywhere on a day trip she has to be guided everywhere, everything taken care of for her. Even shown where the toilets are and help crossing the road.

I'm not concerned about dementia etc. I think she feels very comfortable with not 'challenging' herself and relying on me. I'm an only child FYI, late twenties (she had me later), married but no kids. My Mum is never married, dad not around.

AIBU to think that this is too early and extreme, or should I face up to the facts of life that she is 71 now and accept she won't try to be more independent. I feel so bad writing this but it's driving me a bit crazy and hope things aren't just downhill from here...

@northchesterforest I’m in such a similar position. I think some of it stems from having the fear of god put into them through lockdown, but it’s more than that. It’s like (unnecessarily) slipping into a “well that’s just old age, you just have to accept it” mindset. It’s really frustrating, especially when you can’t see any obvious reason why they can’t hold onto their own train tickets whilst travelling and insist you do it! And the ordering in a restaurant thing is infuriating!

I’m no real help I suppose but all the solidarity 💪

I see other peoples parents refusing to wear the old lady clothes, and trying new things and I just wish she had a bit more of that in her life, it seems to keep others positive! Xx

Well, good for your mum but your poor dad to be dismissed in this way for his much poorer health, when not even years of research and experts looking into it can predict how we age.

Have you considered whether he was like that when you were growing up, was their relationship always one where she did everything? Perhaps he decided to leave it all to her for fear of crictisism? Perhaps she 'caused' him to become deskilled? Obviously, I've no idea but I'm just struck by your impatience regarding your dad's physical decline and cannot help thinking of the number of mn posts where the male partner is accused of such behaviour towards their female partner. We're supposed to be teaching children empathy in schools now so it's worth a thought at least

If it is dementia, the ‘use it or lose it’ mantra no longer applies. The person’s memory is being destroyed - they cannot remember how to do the things they used to.

I think PP meant that if it's not dementia, she needs to be encouraged to keep her independence etc. going as much as possible. She's still very young.

@JAT49 Please don't let that horrible @Badbadbunny upset you anymore. It's ignorance. You sound like you're doing wonderfully. 🤍

You've tagged the wrong person. I didn't say this

My mum became like this around 50, 55. I think a lot of women change personality around menopause and then again 70 ish and/or after a big life change.

My MIL became very, very different after FIL died.

They want someone to look after them more and take responsibility for things. My mum couldn't even walk the dog. Not for any physical reasons, she just suddenly wanted someone else to put the lead on and take it off etc. 20 years on she's still medically fine, just the same with wanting other people to do things for her.

Mil same age , and is nothing like this it's far too young to be so reliant on you unless there's serious health issues . Stop letting her rely on you so much .

Just quit, now. You're clearly not a statistician, or in possession of any clinical knowledge, and you have "limited" experience of ageing people. You sound ignorant and you're digging deeper and deeper. Just quit.

@Member984815 seriously you are doing more damage with your comments on here.
You have not got a clue. Age has fuck all to do with it or lifestyle or laziness

There's a staggering lack of knowledge about dementia on this thread.

Yep. It's quite upsetting actually. Who knew that all I needed to do was tell my Mum to stop being lazy and try a bit harder, and she could have avoided the slow decade-long decline she had to suffer?

isn’t there just? So much nonsense from people who clearly have no experience of it.

Who knew that all I needed to do was tell my Mum to stop being lazy and try a bit harder, and she could have avoided the slow decade-long decline she had to suffer?

Except that absolutely nobody is saying that.

They're saying that, as far as possible, people should use their brains and keep themselves mentally and physically as fit as possible - not because it will necessarily prevent dementia, but because it will potentially help make old age and all the related struggles that come with it a bit easier.

I know that people are literally not saying that; I was being facetious and using hyperbole to make a point. When comments are made by people who have no direct experience of caring for someone through this terminal decline, then it really puts salt in the wound for people who have been on that journey.

Anyway, bowing out of this thread now as I am still in bereavement counselling and this has made me realise it's too fresh a subject to get into. I wish the OP well and hopefully her Mum is OK.

My Mum has been like this starting from me being 15 and she was 55 (I'm 40 now, she's nearly 80) so I wouldn't automatically assume it's dementia. It started with her refusing to go into the supermarket alone and asking what kind of daughter I was to expect her to do a food shop alone. I took over food shopping and cooking shortly after. She was forced to do a uni qualification for her job around the same time and I ended up having to write all of her essays for her. Yes. Know I know how wrong that was. When I learned to drive, I became her taxi service.

Learned helplessness. She lives with me and expects my whole life to revolve around her. She won't leave the house without me,
refused to learn how to use internet or text,
refuses to use anything that would make her or my life easier. I am her mother essentially. Enmeshment. My Dad is pretty much the same with me. It's all very hard.

Op said she's not concerned about dementia , I'm not sure how my post was damaging .I never mentioned lifestyle or laziness either . I'm totally aware dementia can happen anyone at any age.

Oh give it a rest.

How do you know that the people commenting don't also have direct experience?

Because they wouldn’t be coming out with such utter nonsense if they had.

It's not typical behaviour at that age. My mum was still ordering her groceries online at 92

I'm in my late 60s and couldn't imagine behaving like that. Dementia, eyesight, whatever, she needs to see the doc

I DO have direct experience. I know how dementia progresses from various elderly relatives, some who went downhill with it, some who didn't. My anecdotal evidence of a very small sample is that the fit, healthy and active ones succumbed much later in life, whereas the ones who weren't fit, healthy and active succumbed at younger ages. That's my experience!

I also understand statistics, probability and medical research.

From my own direct experience of MIL, I can observe first hand that she's a lot more "with it" when we've taken her out for a walk, shopping or whatever - once we're back, she's more chatty, remembers more things, and when we leave, she's not constantly on the phone asking inane questions. On days when she's not been out, and just sat on her sofa, she's like a vegetable, can barely talk, can't even remember our names and once we leave, she's constantly phoning asking the same questions over and over again.

We try to take her out as much as possible to get her blood flowing - in her case, it makes a massive difference, we can see it. Until covid, we used to take her with us on holidays, UK and abroad. Granted the dementia wasn't so bad, but it was still apparent how more engaged and "with it" she was on active days, as we were literally living with her 24-7 for 1 or 2 weeks. She was remarkably "normal" on "big" days of lots of activity, like the arrival and departure days when we did a lot of walking around airport terminals, etc., or in full day events like theme parks!

Unfortunately, OH's sister is like some posters here who are in denial about that, as she's just happy to sit and watch tv and drink tea when she goes to see MIL, with the inevitable result that she can't even remember sister has been, even literally minutes after she's gone. Whereas when we take her out, she can remember going out, at least for the rest of that day.

Everyone is different. Every dementia case progresses at different rates, at different times.
MIL has a cocktail of 3 types. She is bedbound. She can't go out, has been unable to for some time. She is fit and used her brain for her engineering job right up to retirement (only a few short years ago, when she realised there was something wrong)

Some days she is totally with it telling us what needs to be done, down to tiny details... lively and active within her limits... others She talks to the children playing in the fireplace (there are no children, there is no fireplace)
One of her dementia diagnoses is vascular. It does not improve with activity, it takes its own path. Some days are better than others, but the spiral will always continue downwards.
It is nice when people find things that help their relative. It can be a spiral of guilt for people who have tried everything and it has not worked for them.

With kindness - 71 does sound young to become so dependant on others - maybe a loss of confidence? Maybe offer assistance / guidance rather than totally doing things for her? Sorry if repeating others, but as others have said, sodding dementia can kick in early, or another route could be to ask for her assistance or advice yourself, even just for basic stuff (that you don't really need), if that makes sense?? Make her feel still needed? Mums of any age need to feel needed x

Sadly I have experience of dementia kicking in with both friends and family as well as acquaintances.
It can start a lot earlier, a friend was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in his early 60s. To those who knew him it was clear that there was something wrong, he himself knew there was something wrong and kept going with some quite complex stuff for much longer than you'd think. He was able to cycle round his familiar area for ages, and he did have memory, but a bit like a jigsaw puzzle sometimes he would.try and put the wrong pieces together.
My mother in law had the vascular type, I could see something was wrong but his wife (and my husband) wouldn't entertain the thought until eventually she was driving and forgetting where she was going to. I had suggested that she did a power of attorney but alas I was classed as interfering and by the time they could deny it no longer (it often suddenly deteriorates enough to see a difference in just a few days) it was too far gone to make an LPA or alter her will to make things possible without going to the court of protection
A local friend has done all the things you are told to do to protect from Alzheimer's, walked everywhere, was involved intellectually with a lot of local clubs, lots of friends from church, that sort of thing
I became one of her key holders for the alarm system as I wasn't far away. By the time she was diagnosed she knew there was a problem, but was able to live alone with occasional carers and family visits
She used to ring me when she had a problem. For example her fridge broke and started leaking, she rang me, saying she had a problem, but didn't know what it was, or other times it was a medical thing, she knew she could call me and I'd get in touch with the doc and family. She still had a calendar in her head, she knew when carers were coming etc
OP whether or not it is some sort of dementia, encourage mum to make LPAs of she has not already done so, if possible, it will make life much easier and open up so many possibilities in the future for what happens.

Did you manage to get a doctor's appointment for your mum, @northchesterforest?