To think mum has become a child

[northchesterforest]

I want to start off by saying that I love my Mum and would do anything for her but I'm worried about how much she has aged in the past year alone, and how spending time with her feels like looking after a child sometimes.

She recently turned 71. Some off top of my head examples:

• in a cafe or restaurant telling me what she wants to order in a whisper vs speaking directly to the waiter
• she has given up her car but is relying on me to book any public/train travel
• relying on me to sort any tech issue (phone contract, issue with sky etc)
• I have to do absolutely all of her online shopping for her
• acting clueless at even the smallest of tasks (ie. I asked her if she could turn my oven on to pre heat dinner, she said after 30 seconds that she didn't understand how to do it without even trying - it honestly is a basic oven)
• if we travel anywhere on a day trip she has to be guided everywhere, everything taken care of for her. Even shown where the toilets are and help crossing the road.

I'm not concerned about dementia etc. I think she feels very comfortable with not 'challenging' herself and relying on me. I'm an only child FYI, late twenties (she had me later), married but no kids. My Mum is never married, dad not around.

AIBU to think that this is too early and extreme, or should I face up to the facts of life that she is 71 now and accept she won't try to be more independent. I feel so bad writing this but it's driving me a bit crazy and hope things aren't just downhill from here...

OP, do you think your mother could be depressed? Apparently depression in the elderly can mimic dementia. My DM had the same symptoms yours has, and the GP tried her on antidepressants first. Unfortunately she was later diagnosed with dementia.

I think she feels very comfortable with not 'challenging' herself and relying on me
My DM has always been like this - I feel like I've been parenting her all my life. She definitely doesn't lack confidence, just likes attention and having others run round after her and wants to do/have exactly what she wants while leaving the expense/responsibility/worry/admin to someone else. That it's not usual for your mum could be a health concern - deteriorating eyesight, balance, flexibility can creep up on you and affect confidence.

Not all dementia is alzheimers.

MIL has a cocktail of Alzheimers, vascular dementia and frontal lobe shrinkage.
Frontal lobe issues can account for the drop in self confidence levels.

There is no cure, but antidepressants can definitely help with confidence to do things and self-esteem issues.

Would ask gp for an assessment and referral for a scan if warranted. The different treatments for different types can help.

This started happening with my mum a few years ago, and she recently got a dementia diagnosis. She’s only 68.

My mother, who was intelligent, healthy and very capable, developed these symptoms at 69.

It was the onset of Alzheimer’s - and those saying it’s bought about because of being lazy, mentally, are talking rubbish.

Is anyone seriously saying that people like Margaret Thatcher, Terry Pratchett, Beryl Bainbridge, Prunella Scales etc were mentally lazy and that’s why they contracted Alzheimer’s and Dementia? 🙄

Agree with you but maybe there were some signs with Margaret Thatcher decades on .

Decades before I mean . Probably getting it myself !

I'm another one who would be worried about dementia OP - I'm sorry.

I think you need to make a list of what's worrying you and get your mum to the GP for an assessment. The early she gets help and intervention, the better.

Thank you for this comment

My aunt was head teacher at a grammar school, took early retirement at 58 because she was struggling with her workload, and within a few months, developed symptoms of dementia. A CT scan showed frontal temporal lobe dementia.

Anyone who genuinely believes people can be coached NOT to develop dementia need to do their research before making such claims. It's a physical disease of the brain, not a mental illness or laziness. No amount of cryptic crosswords and sudoku solving will stop the progression of the disease. It's cruel and undignified.

What happens if you push her to do the things herself?

Could you speak to her about "use it or lose it" and how although you are always happy to help her, within reason, you are worried that she will lose some abilities if she increasingly relies on you?

Maybe you could say "you order for us this time Mum, I'll have the...." etc. gently but firmly nudge her and see what happens?

Sounds like quite an intense situation for you. Hope it's that she's lost a bit of confidence and that can be built back up.

My experience is the opposite: singles are used to managing everything on the whole, but a couple often manage fine until one of them dies or becomes ill, at which point the remaining one can’t do the chores and maintenance that the other one used to do

This is really important advice. When we had to get my Mum to sign this after she was diagnosed with Dementia we set it up so she would be POA for my dad at the same time/ (though of course it never came to that ) so it felt more equal and less like we were trying to make her sign her power over if you know what I mean. Wonder if you can do it both ways with your mum...

Sorry that is a good point. I take back my comment. (I should know as my mum had Vascular Dementia and Altzheimers but I guess I was just hoping for the OP that this isn't the case 😓).

To be fair to those who are saying use it or lose it . There must be some element of truth amongst other reasons and risk factors. I have read articles on prevention enough times to know that not using your brain can be one of them. Other things that may help . Exercise. Eating an anti inflammatory diet. Trying to avoid being on medication that calms you down over a long period of time..Quit smoking. Try and get good quality sleep .it can just be hereditary though I believe but can try and slow down the disease. My mum has it and she had most of the risk factors.

Dementia isn't caused by laziness.

I agree. The statistics prove it to be the case. But unfortunately, people don't understand probability and jump to anecdotes rather than evidence based research and statistics.

No guarantees, but "use it or lose it" along with healthy lifestyles DOES reduce the risk, no, not eliminate it, but reduce it. In the same way that some people who don't "use it" and don't have healthy lifestyles don't suffer chronic ill health in old age, whether dementia, diabetes, heart disease, cancer, etc.

It's all about probability and risk, with a side helping of luck.

Research shows that brain capability reduces with less activity.

Research shows brain activity is linked with exercise and a healthy diet.

"Use it or lose it" is a statistically proven fact.

Being "Lazy" will increase your risks. It's ALL about probability. Laziness of course doesn't "cause" anything, but everything associated with it, i.e. not using your brain, not exercising, not having a healthy lifestyle, ALL increases the risk/probability of dementia.

Some lazy people will get dementia, some won't. That doesn't change the facts that being generally "lazy" increases the risks of chronic diseases in older age.

My mum ate a healthy diet, did yoga and meditation, plenty of exercise walking the dog, barely drank and gave up smoking in her early 50s, used her brain creatively (she was a writer) and adjudicated writing competitions.

She still got dementia.

When she whispers her order to you what would happen if you ignored or nodded hinting she tells waiter. Would she manage if you promoted her to be independent ?

As I've said, it's all about probability. Anecdotes aren't statistical data.

But you can't say that person got dementia because they were lazy. Plenty of people get dementia despite doing everything "right" and lifestyle factors other than smoking snd alcohol have fairly small impacts. By far the biggest risk factors are being old and coming from a family with a history of dementia there's not a lot you can do about those.

Have you heard of the saying best use of anxiety is creativity? Was it the Alzheimer’s form of Dementia she got? I think they are exploring some links between Depression and anxiety and whether you are more likely to develop Alzheimer’s. It always really interests me why people develop certain diseases.
I hope you don’t mind me mentioning this it’s just I think I can be creative but also have anxiety.
I don’t just want to be told I have a certain disease I want to know why but drs just treat symptoms mostly . Sometimes it’s just a sticking plaster . My Mum was under a lot of stress in her 40’s was put on BP medication which can cause memory loss. By 70 she had dementia.

@Badbadbunny I am struggling to control my responses to you and can only do so by reminding myself that it is your lack of knowledge and understanding that makes you sound so heartless.

My lovely, bright, witty, energetic, sociable, talented, creative, strong mother phoned me in tears because someone had broken into her house and left a mystery object on her hall table. When I got there she showed me the object. It was her handbag.

That was just one horrible day among many awful days. It wasn't even the worst one.

Anyone who has or had a loved one with dementia knows that they did not develop this devastating disease because they were lazy.

OP I hope you manage to arrange a doctor's appointment and start the process of getting some help for your mum. I also hope that there is some cause that isn't dementia.

@kerstina my mum had a combination of Alzheimer's and vascular dementia. She did suffer from periods of depression throughout her life.

There appears to be a correlation between depression and later life dementia but it's not clear if the depression is a prodrome of dementia because people with a diagnosis of depression tend not to have brain scans.