To think mum has become a child

[northchesterforest]

I want to start off by saying that I love my Mum and would do anything for her but I'm worried about how much she has aged in the past year alone, and how spending time with her feels like looking after a child sometimes.

She recently turned 71. Some off top of my head examples:

• in a cafe or restaurant telling me what she wants to order in a whisper vs speaking directly to the waiter
• she has given up her car but is relying on me to book any public/train travel
• relying on me to sort any tech issue (phone contract, issue with sky etc)
• I have to do absolutely all of her online shopping for her
• acting clueless at even the smallest of tasks (ie. I asked her if she could turn my oven on to pre heat dinner, she said after 30 seconds that she didn't understand how to do it without even trying - it honestly is a basic oven)
• if we travel anywhere on a day trip she has to be guided everywhere, everything taken care of for her. Even shown where the toilets are and help crossing the road.

I'm not concerned about dementia etc. I think she feels very comfortable with not 'challenging' herself and relying on me. I'm an only child FYI, late twenties (she had me later), married but no kids. My Mum is never married, dad not around.

AIBU to think that this is too early and extreme, or should I face up to the facts of life that she is 71 now and accept she won't try to be more independent. I feel so bad writing this but it's driving me a bit crazy and hope things aren't just downhill from here...

@HauntedBungalow I'm so sorry. I recognise so much of what you write about this terrible disease.

@Badbadbunny Your posts demonstrate your heartlessness and complete lack of knowledge.
Basically, you're talking rubbish.
You're also needlessly upsetting many posters on this thread. I'm not sure to what end.

Thanks @TheShellBeach and thank you also for the crucial and difficult work you did for people dealing with this awful condition.

I'm so sorry for all the others on this thread who have been affected by it.

Just FYI, my dad is about a year younger, and he is still very capable- he will travel long distances on his own, driving or public transport. He is very good with tech and will happily sort things online if he wants to! I can't imagine him not being able to figure out how to use an oven!

I wonder if it's possible that she is struggling with her hearing or eyesight? It may be easier to persuade her to get these checked?

It was the onset of Alzheimer’s - and those saying it’s bought about because of being lazy, mentally, are talking rubbish.

There is actually a lot of research which shows that keeping mentally and physically fit and active can help to prevent dementia, as well as slow its' symptoms if you do develop it.

Of course, that doesn't mean that everyone who develops dementia was mentally lazy, just that it's just one (of many) risk factors involved in developing the disease.

It's the same as conditions like type 2 diabetes or high cholesterol - yes, lots of people do everything right and still end up with a diagnosis, but that doesn't mean that eating a poor diet and doing little/no exercise isn't also a major contributing factor.

It's well-known and understood that a poor diet and an unhealthy lifestyle is likely to cause major health problems as you go into old age, so I don't think it's too outlandish to suggest that there's a connection to our brain and our mental state too.

It's not about blaming people, it's just about understanding the risks and working to reduce them as much as possible.

As a pp said, the two major risk factors for dementia are age and family history. Those are the factors that are almost always present. If you think about it, that is "causation" so circular that there are no real answers. If you are going to develop dementia, mostly, you will. Unless you die of something else first. Doing sudoku is not going to fill in gaps in your brain tissue.

ETA: Diabetes and cholesterol are different in that we understand a little more about the mechanisms as to how they develop.

It's not about sudoku "filling the gaps in your brain tissue" - it's about decreasing your overall risk of developing dementia to begin with, and slowing down the progression of the disease when it happens.

The Alzheimer's Association themselves say that there is research to show that cognitive stimulation can decrease the risk of decline.

Of course, that doesn't mean doing sudoku every day will stop you developing dementia, nor does it mean that everyone who develops dementia is lazy.

It's all about acknowledging that lifestyle can have an impact on our old age and overall health, but that's not the same as saying "if you'd looked after yourself better, this wouldn't have happened."

Literally no one has said that. It's all about risk factors, probability, etc., with a side helping of luck.

This happened with my mum and it was early signs of vascular dementia that progressed quickly over the next few years. I think getting her checked would be good as they can give drug to slow things down if they catch it early.

Not in so many words, but multiple people have been quite angry at the suggestion that doing things to prevent cognitive decline could help with dementia (and worsening symptoms).

EDIT for clarity.

And yes, of course luck plays a huge factor but I'm not sure why we're happy to accept that lifestyle impacts our physical health (eg. diabetes, heart disease), and mental health (depression, anxiety) but we're seemingly reluctant to think about the impact on brain health.

Good God! My mum is 76, drives everywhere and would never dream of asking me to do any of those things. Neither would her friends of a similar age. Are you sure your mum is okay mentally?

It might be worth having a general health check. Sometimes physical things being a bit out of balance, like vitamin deficiencies, can have an impact on mental health and energy. It wouldn't be unusual at 70. If she has always been like it, though, it may just be her personality, and can be very tough on an only child, especially if it is starting this early. I have known people who are much younger doing similar, eg acting helpless about making arrangements and trying to manipulate friends in to make difficult decisions for them. In a case like that, it is important to set boundaries for your own sanity.

Some folks just find day to day life overwhelming, but manage to hold it together until they feel they have reached an appropriate point to throw their hands in the air.She seems to have reached this point and is done trying, absolving herself of responsibility for day to day life. My DH is like this and I have tried and better tried until for thecsake of my temper and blood pressure I have given in and now do it all for him

I would say this is unusual - my parents and ILs are (were) older than that and we have not encountered such issues.

I'm so sorry that the examples resonate with you. My mum has always been fairly dependent both pre and post divorce and has struggled with anxiety and confidence in recent years, separate to any notable cognitive decline. She also gave up driving most places pre diagnosis but had been an anxious driver for years. So we assumed just worsening anxiety. The Dr assessed that he had been unsure if it was mild cognitive impairment rather than the start of dementia but decided on the latter due to some tasks that were newly very difficult, combined with some brain shrinkage. I do think that living alone and having minimal outlets for practicing more complex tasks likely accelerated things for her (but certainly did not cause them). If it is helpful at all, she has been given medication and other support and hasn't declined any further in the 12 months since we referred. She's very self sufficient when it's her comfort zone if that makes sense. I'm anxious about how things will deteriorate though. Thankfully she had power of attorney in place pre diagnosis for myself and my brother.

Sorry to hear about this change in your mum. If she is able to do these things for herself she really should be doing them shouldn't she. Is she acting helpless to get attention because she is feeling lonely? There is Senior Line who are there to chat around the clock. Could you show your mum how to do things like ordering her shopping online and getting it delivered, instead of doing them for her? Repeat orders are so easy with saved shopping lists. I am also wondering if she needs new glasses or hearing aids? Not doing things for herself will really adversely affect her confidence and put pressure on you. Maybe you need to ask your mum what is going on with her and why she needs so much more help now.

I would suggest you have her eyes checked for cataracts. It sounds like she's having some type of sensory issue.

Trouble is that lots of people are in denial about physical health too, hence all the comments on threads like this about how someone's friend/parent/sibling died of a heart attack despite being healthy or lived to 100 with neither diabetes nor heart disease despite eating all the wrong things and being obese most of their life!

Some people just don't want to accept the statistical reality that most people can actually do something about their long term health by making better dietary decisions and taking more exercise (body and mind). They'd rather use anecdotes to abdicate responsibility and then whinge that the NHS won't "cure" them of the diseases that they may have contributed towards by making poor decisions.

PLEASE TAKE TIME TO READ, i didn’t know I had a problem until hubby joked about me forgetting things, i was so independent never accepted or asked for help you name it i did it and enjoyed it, so booked appt at doctors and sent to local hospital daughter came with me. We didn’t have a clue sat in waiting room giggling and talking. Then called in and told I had early dementia I was 70 years old, yes I also given up driving two years earlier up thought I had just lost my confidence. I am now 75 and I AM DOING GREAT family and friends think most of the time I have been wrongly diagnosed yes j like my daughter taking my arm while we are out. Please all I ask is don’t deny your mum or try to change her YET. Please get her booked into her doctors if it’s not dementia then you can start to help her do things herself and be firmer with her. Please don’t do that until you know. If like me at the beginning I cared more about how it was affecting my family but as I say I am doing great. Lov to you all for taking the time to read this

This. It does sound worrying

I totally agree - it's pretty scary.

A close family friend died of heart failure a few years ago, and while on paper he lived a long life (he made it to 86), the reality is that the last 20-odd years were really miserable for him. He had uncontrolled diabetes, had to give up driving due to nerve damage in his eyes and feet, and struggled to walk more than a few metres without getting out of breath.

So despite living a (on the surface at least) "healthy" life until his sixties, his retirement was spent on the sofa watching re-runs of old movies. He was really miserable and he really, really wishes he'd made different choices.

But even in his fifties he felt "okay" and so he didn't feel the need to make any changes. And I think that's common - I mean, there are thousands of posters on here who drink wine everyday and feel "fine" so don't see the issue with it. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

My DM is 76 and she still mainly does everything herself but she is a bit of a technophobe so I get calls for IT assistance. Sounds like your DM is just giving up or dementia, sorry OP, time
to have a serious chat with your DM.

@northchesterforest my aunt was diagnosed with dementia in her mid 60s. All the signs were there for around 5+ prior to the diagnosis. I certainly wouldn't rule it out.

My Mum is 83 and not very mobile. Absolutely refuses to use a walker and a wheelchair is a MASSIVE NO! Will use her walking stick. She’s very argumentative and opinionated also quite deaf. We were in a lovely restaurant today and.she came back from the loo and announced in a loud whisper how much she didn’t like the hat the baby at the next table was wearing! Sulks when told not to make comments! Her mobility is such an issue now that she’ll miss a day out with family as she refuses to use a walker!!