To think mum has become a child

[northchesterforest]

I want to start off by saying that I love my Mum and would do anything for her but I'm worried about how much she has aged in the past year alone, and how spending time with her feels like looking after a child sometimes.

She recently turned 71. Some off top of my head examples:

• in a cafe or restaurant telling me what she wants to order in a whisper vs speaking directly to the waiter
• she has given up her car but is relying on me to book any public/train travel
• relying on me to sort any tech issue (phone contract, issue with sky etc)
• I have to do absolutely all of her online shopping for her
• acting clueless at even the smallest of tasks (ie. I asked her if she could turn my oven on to pre heat dinner, she said after 30 seconds that she didn't understand how to do it without even trying - it honestly is a basic oven)
• if we travel anywhere on a day trip she has to be guided everywhere, everything taken care of for her. Even shown where the toilets are and help crossing the road.

I'm not concerned about dementia etc. I think she feels very comfortable with not 'challenging' herself and relying on me. I'm an only child FYI, late twenties (she had me later), married but no kids. My Mum is never married, dad not around.

AIBU to think that this is too early and extreme, or should I face up to the facts of life that she is 71 now and accept she won't try to be more independent. I feel so bad writing this but it's driving me a bit crazy and hope things aren't just downhill from here...

Very best wishes and long may you continue to be ok

I'm not sure why you're not worried about dementia, this is often exactly how it starts. I sincerely hope it's not, but worth considering.

Sorry Op
it’s difficult but this is how dementia started with my mum. It’s so slow, and stuff my mum did were odd but also funny. Most notably her hand writing changed, she was slow when signing her name.
we went to Gp’s and specialists to get a diagnosis. Not until a few years in did we get a definitive answer. All her assessments were as expected with age. Good luck op.

Because lifestyle factors, as far as current research goes, appear to have little to scant bearing on brain health. There are some indicators, but overwhelmingly it comes back to age and family history, time and time again.

Our understanding of dementia is very limited. To the extent that we really don't know how to prevent it. It's really not as straightforward as avoiding eg diabetes.

Partly this is due to our limited understanding of elder illness full stop. People didn't used to live as long as they do now so we haven't previously had such a large cohort who face such illnesses. Eg within my own family my grandparents died aged 36, 50, 66 and 73.

This sounds unthinkable today but for working class people born at the turn of the century it was within the expected parameters. Maybe some of them would have gone on to develop dementia, had they lived longer. And at that point some doctor could have done a study. But, it didn't happen. It's only happening now, with the generation born mid 1930s onwards, because they're as a group living longer than previous. So we're only now starting to get proper data about it.

This is such a beautiful message. I wish you all the best.

Sounds like either Dementia or vision issues which she either hasn't fully acknowledged or is too embarrassed to admit to.

My friend's little boy developed Dementia at 6 years old 😢

@Badbadbunny you really have no idea what you are talking about. I AM one of those mums that got told at 70 that I have early onset dementia. I am now 75 and five years into this and I’m DOING GREAT but your remarks made me cry for hours. I am not lazy,
I have not given up hoping someone else will take over.i enjoyed doing all the decorating providing a home. Now I think constantly how my Alzheimer's is affecting hubby and dear girls. I push myself everyday. I did two year trails for a Harley Street clinic for the two new drugs that have just been released ( but they wont be available on the nhs ( and these are the first new drugs for 20 years)
I also stopped driving two years prior to be diagnosed as I knew I was losing confidence and there seemed too much traffic. How can anyone put a time on their love ones age by saying “ no they are to young at 70” or because “ you are 71 and you still drive” etc etc. I have such a big lump n my throat it’s hard to swallow. I am just so glad my family understood and yes they hold my hand when needed. And I hold theirs to make it easier for them. Please the poster who is concerned for her mum please take your mum to the doctors to rule it out I pray she is, then you can find a way to back her up and do more for herself. I hope I have helped explain myself ok. It’s crushed me reading some of these post. We really don’t want to be part of this awful Alzheimer’s club or for our families. Thank you allxxxx

@JAT49 - a very moving post.

So she has always been tech averse?

And afraid of making mistakes and being scammed?

She may be massively anxious.

Have you ever considered whether she may be on the autism spectrum? Women can generally mask very successfully in school and in daily life, which comes with a high level.of anxiety. Women who were born before the 1960s who are autistic to some degree have been known to shy away from tech because they have a huge fear of 'mistakes' and being 'exposed'. They would have been fully grown adults when smart technology came along, and some simply refused to engage with it, retired early from jobs if new tech was introduced, and stuck with familiar ways of doing things in their homes, mainly out of fear and anxiety. They crave predictability.

Re: Prevention. I don't know if others have all reacted as I did to the "tough love" suggestion but, for me, it wasn't the idea of preventative behaviour that offended - most common conditions can be delayed or mitigated by healthy living.

It was the belief that, already symptomatic at 71, OP's mother should be pushed to do things that frighten and confuse her. In this particular case, to make matters worse, she'd been fairly timid before the current downturn. The prospect of effectively bullying her as "lazy", when both her personality and an illness prevent assertive behaviour, is utterly horrible.

The time for more Sudoku would have been from her thirties onwards, not now.

Sometimes it's hard to accept the people we love have become less capable. I get this from my own siblings (I have a chronic illness) and I made the same mistake when my mother was re-learning to walk after her stroke. "Bend your feet!" I encouraged, distressed by her flat-footed shuffle. I kept this up for a few days. Then she said "Garlic. I CAN'T FEEL MY FEET." Bloody hell, I felt like shit! She was doing well to get her feet where she wanted them, and there I was pushing for the impossible.

My mum has Mild Cognitive impairment and its like this, it could be that , does she repeat the same questions ? Sorry hope you don't think I'm being rude. Or it could be she just wants your help more, have you spoken to her about it ? Hope it's not anything serious.

I hate ovens that aren't mine. Just saying.
I wouldn't rule out dementia but also see if she needs a sight test.
Not everyone is comfortable with online ordering especially if they have heard of all the scams or not really had to do these things.

NRTFT but my mum is similar. Her eyesight isn't what it used to be (macular degeneration which can't be corrected by glasses) so she struggles to read things unless there's high contrast.

Her hearing isn't what it used to be and although hearing aids help, it's difficult to tune out background noise. If she's not wearing them she'll speak quietly - because she can hear her own voice loudly, she thinks everybody else can.

Her mobility isn't what it used to be due to arthritis so she's losing her dexterity, particularly in her feet and ankles - meaning she's lost confidence driving as it's painful for her to flex her feet for the accelerator/brake.

As a result she's becoming more reliant on me to do things for her but won't to admit it's because she can't see/hear/do so it comes across as being needy and maybe even lazy and a bit scatty like 'she's losing it'.

I think what I'm trying to say is it could just be the normal issues with getting older and she may be at a stage of needing a bit of home help to ease the burden on you - especially if you are having to put your own life on hold.

@HauntedbyMagpies

overwhelmingly it comes back to age and family history, time and time again.

You can't do anything about that. You CAN try to live as healthy life as possible, body and mind, and try to minimise or defer chronic health conditions. Why wouldn't you even try, however small the probability of it helping?

I can identify with the ovens that are not mine comment ! When we go to a new holiday cottage it takes me longer to work out how to work the appliances than it used to. My husband is good humoured and helps till I have got used to it.
I think this is key ,please don’t make LO’s lives any more difficult than they already are. Can you imagine what it is like to lose your memory ? Every day tasks becoming such a challenge. By refusing help and support especially after they have lost a spouse does seem cruel.
Dementia is so incredibly frustrating for the LO’s and can push people away . By putting yourselves in their shoes it can give you a little tiny bit more patience.

Because lifestyle factors, as far as current research goes, appear to have little to scant bearing on brain health. There are some indicators, but overwhelmingly it comes back to age and family history, time and time again.

Yes, I know that - and I'm not denying that age and genetics are the main factors.

But living a healthy lifestyle, eating properly and keeping your body and mind active and engaged through your life is never going to be a bad thing, and people should be encouraged to keep "going" as much as they possibly can.

It's not healthy to give up in your late sixties and never even try to use new things or try new experiences. Even if it won't prevent dementia it will keep you much healthier for longer overall.

Different sorts of dementia affect Different parts of the brain.
Executive functioning loss, which sounds like Mum is struggling with is, symptomatic of Fronto Temporal Lobe dementia, but there are other rarer sorts aside from Alzheimers which we are mostly familiar with.
DM really needs an assessment if only to get a baseline for future assessment.

I'm glad she has you to help/advocate, really worry about those on the journey alone.

I'm not concerned about dementia

Perhaps you should be. She’s displaying classic symptoms.

Not being able to remember how to do things and not being able to cope on trips would be red flags for me I'd say OP.

This is my DPs to a tee. They are in their very early 80s but this same behaviour that your seeing in your DM started in my DPs a few years ago. It drives me up the wall. In certain respects they’re still fine - they still go on holiday abroad each year. But the reliance on my for what should be manageable tasks has been steadily increasing. Anything IT related for sure, online shopping, and recently they’ve asked me to come and pick them up and take them places despite them having a new car that DF drives. They also ring during working hours in the middle of the day about trivial matters that can easily wait until the evening.

it’s getting really tricky now as I travel abroad for work a lot and my job is very demanding so I work long hours. They tried ringing my DH while I was away once about some trivial thing whilst he was at work, and he was pretty annoyed, especially so since they refuse to call my brother (their DS) in such situations. He’s perfectly capable of handling most of their requests but they won’t call him, despite him being unemployed and hence with way more time available than I have.

i too thought it might be dementia at first, but I don’t think so now. I think it’s a combination of some mental decline but also loneliness - they almost make up trivial reasons for me to go and see them. I’m resigned to the fact that this is only going to get worse, and I’m just dealing with it as best I can. You have my sincere sympathies.

If it is dementia, the ‘use it or lose it’ mantra no longer applies. The person’s memory is being destroyed - they cannot remember how to do the things they used to.

I don't think where my DM lived helped in terms of her mental decline. Detached house at the end of a cul-de-sac on the outskirts of the city. She did have a busy social life but when she gave up driving it became difficult for her to get anywhere. I love more centrally within easy walking distance of shops, cafes etc and I hope that will help me stay more engaged as I get older.

I think it's very difficult to answer without knowing your mum.
My mum is 79 and fit as a fiddle, slim and energetic, walks miles, drives across the country in a camper and her mind is still as sharp as a knife, we talk regularly and she gives wisdom and great advice.
My dad however is 78 and can barely walk, forgets what he's doing or saying, isn't confident enough to drive or even go out without mum and regularly has falls and has become very slow and helpless.
He's actually quite unpleasant to be around now.
I think it depends entirely on the individual and how they were before they aged.
Mum has always had a can do attitude and naturally very capable and confident. Dad not so...

Help with some tech is understandable I guess ( I sometimes need guidance with unfamiliar tech) and lacking confidence for driving isn’t unusual when you’re older .
But the other things you mention are very concerning