Would you have children if you knew they may never move out?

[bubblemaze]

I know times have changed a lot lately and parents who had children who are now young adults are finding that those children have reached adulthood but aren't able to fly the nest so are staying in the parents home.
We don't know how society will be in 25 years.

What do you imagine for the future generations? Are people thinking about starting a family looking at permanently being financially responsible for their children, a lot of parents say they wouldn't charge their adult children to live in their own home but could be living with them for the rest of their lives?

I'm trying to imagine what having a family will look like for our generation.

@cosyleafcafe

it isn’t though. It may be how you see it, but plenty of parents do get to a point where their kids reach adulthood and they begin to start putting themselves (and their marriage) at the centre again - and it doesn’t make them any less of a good parent to do so.

At the end of the day if you can't put someone else above yourself, you shouldn't be a parent.

The doesn't mean the same thing as pandering to your adult child's every whim as you seem to be assuming.

It means if they actually need something, you will put their needs ahead of yours.

If you aren't prepared to do that then why bring another human being into the world who did not ask you to do so. If you create a life then you are responsible for it.

it isn’t though. It may be how you see it, but plenty of parents do get to a point where their kids reach adulthood and they begin to start putting themselves (and their marriage) at the centre again - and it doesn’t make them any less of a good parent to do so.

@LuckySantangelo35 If that's how that poster wants to conduct her life then it's up to her.

How old are your children out of interest @LuckySantangelo35

I know many 38 year olds who could not support themselves independently if their much higher earning partners left them. As I say, I live in the most expensive part of the UK but I can think of at least five couples where the woman would be up shits creek if her partner left her. Yet they aren't judged in the same way that a single person is for living at home. When in reality, the scenarios are the same. Both needing support from others.

Someone once said to me on another forum 'You are now 40 so no longer desirable to men as you are out of the prime baby making age. You live at home, in low paid work and have chronic illnesses so dating someone won't be an option. ' Of course it was horrible to read but also true. Some people get a tougher hand at life but that doesn't stop the judgements as is shown on this forum most days.

But if you haven’t taught them to meet their own ‘needs’ and to be constantly ‘needing’ you’ve failed as a parent really haven’t you?

Wtaf? Please say you are being sarcastic because that is such a backward way of thinking

I agree with this. Multigenerational living is the norm in many places and was v common in the UK until fairly recently. My uncle lived in the family home his entire life apart from when he went to university, he married lateish at 40.
Quite a few of my friends have children mid twenties still at home.

Mine can stay as long as they want. That what me and my husband did when we first get married. We stayed in my MIL for 8 years without paying rent and saving money for deposit. We are pretty lucky we got 2 houses in england and another 2 houses in spain, so i’m gonna sell the houses in spain and give the money to my sons for their house deposit.

Hard for me to say as they are still in primary school but at the moment I'd like to think they would always have a home with me. I do think it's a shame when some of my colleagues say how they don't want or expect their 18 year olds to return home after uni. But having 30+ year olds living with you is entirely different.

One thing I would put my foot down on though is that I wouldn't have their partners or children living here. I'm divorced and I'd end up feeling like a lodger in my own house probably. I wouldn't move a partner in of my own whilst they were still living here so I wouldn't expect them to. It may be different for couples.

My half brother lives with his mum and has done for years (he did previously move out). And he's 50+

To answer your question OP, yes I would still have had my children, they're teens now, but providing they help out (as they do now), have a job and sort their own food, then yes they can stay for as long as they want. As things stand I can't see how they could afford to move out much before 25 anyway. Although we might consider parking a caravan or converted shipping container in the garden for them, so they have their own space!

I have an adult dd at home. She pays rent, buys any food she wants which may be different to what's in for everyone, and generally leads her own life. She sees her bf, sometimes stays with him, goes abroad, manages a complex job and gets on with her own life, as I do mine. It isn't always an issue for different generations to cohabit.

I am quite surprised by the trend this thread has taken and by the number of people keen on multigenerational living. The UK is really changing, or perhaps returning to its roots.

Still draw the line at putting my DC first for their entire lives simply because I brought them into the world! At some point, I need to come first.

I think the handful of posters saying they'd rather their dc moved out earlier, lived independently, experienced it just like they did are being very naiive.

Dh left home at 16 (kicked out). I left home at 18 (voluntarily but really undesirable home living arrangements so pretty much necessary).

We got our first rented flat when I was 18 (2004). We leisurely browsed and viewed several flats where landlords or agents fell over themselves to convince us to take it. We really levelled up and got a one bed flat in a very sought after area (Marina, coastal) for £400 a month.

We were earning about £12k each. We had loads of money spare after essential bills. Could afford nice weekend trips, holidays abroad etc, had over £1k a month spare to throw at it which was PLENTY for some great experiences.

I'm only 38. It's not like I'm talking about the good old days back in the 50's, my experience isn't that long ago.

It's a WORLD away from what a very young couple looking to rent a flat and live alone would be facing now though.

It's literally not possible for my dc to 'experience what we did' anymore. If they move out at 18 or 20 they'd likely have no option but some scabby house share in an awful area whilst they penny pinched and struggled.

I'd rather they stayed at home longer.

Agree @FinallyYouSaid . I bought my first flat in London at 22 for £65k on an £18k salary in 1991.

Today’s kids couldn’t achieve that purchase price in a huge swathe of the country.

My grandfather’s brother in law, seperate (to that BIL) sister and her son moved in with my grandfather back in the day when my grandmother died, because he had a big house that he didn’t want to leave and other things cropped up for people along the way, it worked for everyone, economically and otherwise.

But financially living off mummy and daddy forever so you don't have to 'slum it' is INHERENTLY middle class.

I assumed they would live at home until around 30 (sadly) so they could save up and buy their own home (with our help). House prices make it impossible to move out unless you have parents rich enough to buy you a house outright

I've got 22 yr old twins, one is desperate to move out after university but doesn't have any money the other is still studying. They're here on and off and I love having them here but it would seem a very different land if they were 30. Funny how those few years make all the difference...

Personally I think multigenerational living could be a great thing, but only if you lived in a huge house where everyone had their own space. Especially if you have grandkids with grandparents

DS lives at home and probably won't move out again now. He did go to Uni and worked abroad. But he is ND and he struggled with it in various ways. He pays rent, does his own cooking, washing etc and shares chores. He doesn't want a relationship so that won't be a reason for him to move out. I'm also single and while I might date again in future (although not sure I want to!), I won't ever move a man in again.

Financially we're both doing well. My house is rented (SH) and we agreed from the start that we'd both pay the necessary expenses (rent/CT/utilities) proportional to income. Currently that means he's paying less but that will change over the years. As much as many people disagree with this, he can inherit the tenancy when I die. He doesn't "need" to buy a house. So we both have a good amount of disposable income.

We get on well, the house is a decent size so we're not on top of each other. The worst that happens is we might have a minor bicker over something but it never lasts long. He works, goes out with friends, all the "normal" things. Just doesn't date. I definitely do not "mother" him! I'm also having some health issues at the moment where I stop breathing and pass out (GP is investigating) so I'm quite glad there's someone else here and will probably feel more so as I get older.

Had you asked me when he was born whether I'd want to live with him "forever", the idea of it would have probably freaked me out in all honesty. But our lives have panned out how they have and this works for us. He has some friends that come from cultures of multi generational living and we're in London so more of his friends live at home. Many of my friends still have adult DC at home. So it's not seen as "abnormal" in our circles.

I'm divorced and have my own home which I'll try to keep hold of, in case my children need a place to live. If I ever move in with my DP, it would mean that my children wouldn't have to live with me- but my DPs children might live with us!

I think you have to put your children first while they are children - and probably for some years after that depending on their personalities and capabilities.
I don't agree that you have signed up to that for life.
Adults need to learn to take responsibility for their own decisions at some point, and while it's nice if a parent can help out, it does adult children no favours to assume that that backup is there whatever they choose to do.

Would you be expecting your own parents to put you above them forever?

Yes, I probably would my girls are 9 and 13. While the teenager can be challenging - I'd be up for them being around well into adulthood. So long as everyone is contributing something that sounds fine - otherwise as a single parent I'll probably want to downsize as I don't want to keep a 4-bed house going for just me.

I have an almost 18 year old and a 14 year old. I am happy for them to stay as long as they need/want to. My husband is older than me and I think he would ideally like them to move out as soon as they are able to do so.
In fact, all of the couples I know are the same, the mums are happy to have the 'kids' around indefinitely and the dads are getting antsy about when they will finally move out!

We’ve bought and rent out the house next door - can move them in there when they are older if needed 😂

It wouldn’t have changed my decision I don’t think but I’m not sure that having kids living at home in their 20s or 30s is really ideal. And I love my kids, love spending time with them, but I feel they would be missing out on so much that life has to offer if they don’t move out (unless there’s a very specific reason). I would always welcome them back if they need to come home for a season and I would love to live close enough to see them regularly but there is a big world out there for them to explore and living with mum and dad beyond early 20s is very limiting, not very independent, and really not what I would want for them long term.