Would you have children if you knew they may never move out?

[bubblemaze]

I know times have changed a lot lately and parents who had children who are now young adults are finding that those children have reached adulthood but aren't able to fly the nest so are staying in the parents home.
We don't know how society will be in 25 years.

What do you imagine for the future generations? Are people thinking about starting a family looking at permanently being financially responsible for their children, a lot of parents say they wouldn't charge their adult children to live in their own home but could be living with them for the rest of their lives?

I'm trying to imagine what having a family will look like for our generation.

Assuming this is a wind up?

Yes. Happy for mine to stay as long as they want to be with us.

@cosyleafcafe

where does that end though?

can be arsed to get a job and wanna live off mam and dad cos i “didn’t ask to be brought into this world”?
can’t be arsed contributing to the household cos i “didnt ask to be brought into the world”?

so by this same token do you blame your parents for everything that you do or don’t do?

at one point do we have to take responsibility for ourselves as adults and stop trying to pin everything on our parents?

Wouldn’t you all worry about them after you’re gone? Everyone who I know who lived at home (on a permanent basis) after 25 had hardly any friends and just socialised with the parents, they also didn’t/don’t have any love interests.

I don't, now, because I'm divorced. Previously, very quietly😁

In other cultures though, you stay living at home but are expected to cook/clean, marry and have children, and you all continue to live together and support each other.

Everyone I know from a Western background who has stayed at home continued to be treated as a child - mum cooking for them and washing their clothes, sitting in watching telly with the parents every night, no social/love life. Like they were still at school but instead of school they just went to work. Then the parents died and their lives were virtually over. One lady I work with was in this position, 15+ years after her parents died she talks about them every day, is still devastated over their passing, and lives quite a lonely life.

It ends when it is detrimental to the child.

Of course you encourage independence, having a job, etc, where it is in their best interests.

If it is in their best interests to stay at home and you have capacity for that, then you let them.

When anything becomes about the best interests of the parents, to the detriment of the child, then the expectations on the child should be zero.

Well this is the flip-side, isn't it?

There are threads on here all the time from women who have gone on dates only to find the man still lives at home at 35 and it's generally an immediate deal-breaker.

Disabilities etc. aside, I personally don't think it's healthy to have reached your thirties without ever having experienced truly independent living.

In my mind I'm already assuming that the kids very likely won't leave home before about 25. My youngest sibling has only just left home at 25, and now my other sister's back home at 28 following a relationship breakdown.

If we're able to afford to stay in the family home, and we don't need to downsize, then I'd love to have my kids around as long as they need. My absolute ideal would be to extend and convert the garage into a granny annexe for myself, and maybe one of my kids could afford to take over the main house.

I know lots of families living multi-generationally, and it can work well, so long as no one's a dick about it!

well, it is all potential and I explained the whole thing behind this in the thread. It is in there. Sorry, I am not the main poster, so it is not clickable

Both my twins are Autistic and have ADHD, so their adult independence may look different to what I had envisaged pre-children, but ultimately both have an home with me for as long as they need or want as adults.
I'd rather they buggered off/spread their wings, so I can have a nice, quiet retirement, but wherever I am, they always have a room!

I think yes - as our kids are aged 20 and 17 and either at uni or going off next year - but if they needed to come back we would be happy with that as we all get on - with one caveat - they would have to step up as adults in the home and not expect to have their mum doing everything for them! So housework and cooking and paying towards the running of the house - if all of that happened then totally happy - maybe more difficult when they have long term partners but we would see how it goes and be open to that also - but maybe not with children in the mix as that might get too hectic if we are still in the same sized house!

Yes of course, we don’t just provide a home for childhood, we provide a home for life for our children.

I will add that I might be sad that they didn't move out but not for me for them as those years in your 20s were great for me - finding my feet at living as an adult - I enjoyed that period of time a lot!

No. I wouldn’t share my home with adult children anyway. I like my own space. My friends’ DC who still live at home haven’t grown up at all & come across as very immature and needy.

My kids aren't like this at all. They've all lived at home as adults but one is now married, a homeowner with a very responsible job, one lives and works abroad, one has in own place a couple of towns over, works and is living his best life. Of the 2 who are still here, one has just graduated with a very good degree from a very good uni and is now job hunting, and one is a student. His partner is currently studying for a post grad.
They have all contributed both physically and financially to the running of the household. They are not in any way infantilised. In fact, as I am disabled by chronic illness, they do more than their fair share and very often have to help look after me, too.

@Blueybanditbingochilli my experience is compltely the opposite of what you say. I have so many men in the family who live with their parents and are essentially man-children, expecting their mums and grandmums to do everything for them. They have social lives, but barely do any housework

@cosyleafcafe

depends on your definition of ‘child’ I guess. I mean I think that when someone is say 38 no additional needs and their parents are say in their sixties or seventies then yeah their parents can absolutely put themselves first! Being a parent does not mean putting yourself last until the day you die.

oh and it’s in pretty much everyone’s best interests financially to live with their parents… so do you think everyone should? Do you still live with your parents?

“Disabilities etc. aside, I personally don't think it's healthy to have reached your thirties without ever having experienced truly independent living.”

agree

i was the first generation in my family to leave home before getting married. My parents and all uncles / aunts stayed in the family home until their wedding.

Now one branch my DC’s cousins live in a 3 or 4 generation household where each family addition builds a new floor or wing, it’s normal in so many cultures.

My Dc have moved, for jobs, but if like me and my siblings did, they need to come back for extended periods between jobs or waiting to buy a home or whatever, they will be more than welcome. One of my siblings moved in with my parents for 3 years while they did a self-build new home. Another sibling and spouse moved into my house as lodgers for 2 years.

I certainly wouldn’t base a decision as to whether to have kids or not on anything like this

Also: no one in our family is like many posters I see on MN, v territorial and emphatic about boundaries, declining visits, rigid about ILs behaviour etc. We are both respectful and relaxed around each other.

I would love my children to live at home forever, but know and accept that they will likely fly the nest.

@Lentilweaver my experience is the same as yours - extended in-laws - all have man-children. They are all in their 20s and 30s, everything done for them by women, gaming 24/7, barely work because they don’t have to because parents provide for them. They are basically living like they are permanently 12 years old.
Really sad existence.
Not something I want for my children.

What your on about no.

Sorry but as a poor ex-mining family northerner fuck all has changed... you fly the nest in your teens usually due to overcrowding and you do it regardless of having fuck all money. Its not remotely new to millions of people, its just the middle class of mumsnet that seem to feel entitled to just live off mummy and daddy until they can buy their own estate so they never have to 'struggle' like commoners. Most the working class aren't in a position to support other fully grown adults forever, many can barely support themselves.

Able adults grow up and move onto independence and not encouraging that is frankly a failure to parent correctly. They are not meant to be babied and live off you forever and your not prepping them for the real world without you that will inevitably come. You also set them up to be financial abused in future as they never learned the skills themselves and will likely look for a partner to live off to replace the parent they lived off of.

And what I don't believe was your questions intent but the other way it could be interpreted. Yes any one that has a child accepts the small possibility they may end up with a child that may never be able to achieve independence due to severe health issue etc... but no body is thinking 'oh I won't have kids because what if my child ends up profoundly disabled and need 24/7 care to survive' but its nothing to do with just choosing to mooch of parents.

Love my children but don't particularly want to have to manage the finances, housework etc of effectively house sharing in my retirement. It's not the same as living with children where you are still in charge. Adults would rightly have a say in how a household is run and I don't want to have to navigate that. I don't want to be woken up by people coming in late or drunk. I don't want to have to discuss a fair split of bills or housework. I dont want to have to tiptoe around if children/partners are qorking from home. And I definitely don't want to have to deal with partners, lovers tiffs, etc etc. I would always provide a home for them if they needed it but I strongly hope that they will be capable young adults, able to fly the nest and build their own lives where they are in charge.

I used to live in Germany. Lots of the houses there (mine included) were built in such a way to enable 'multi generational living'. I loved the idea of 'building up' to accommodate each generation of the family...unfortunately I had to leave before I got the chance, but it was indeed heartwarming.

Well, yes. I really wanted a baby. So can’t imagine even if I was warned, that the fact they wouldn’t move out would stop me

My son is profoundly autistic with severe learning disabilities and non verbal. He will need constant care for the rest of his life.

Maybe I would’ve made a different choice if knew that. He is my everything though, so I can’t imagine life without his beautiful face. Even if it means running myself into PTSD on the daily!