Page 7 | Would you have children if you knew they may never move out?

bubblemaze · 2024-08-29T14:07:11+00:00

I know times have changed a lot lately and parents who had children who are now young adults are finding that those children have reached adulthood but aren't able to fly the nest so are staying in the parents home. We don't know how society will be in 25 years. What do you imagine for the future generations? Are people thinking about starting a family looking at permanently being financially responsible for their children, a lot of parents say they wouldn't charge their adult children to live in their own home but could be living with them for the rest of their lives? I'm trying to imagine what having a family will look like for our generation.

housethatbuiltme · 29/08/2024 20:56

Lets be honest would any woman on here want to date a 38 year old man who always lived at home with his parents and didn't financially support himself?

No.

And its not different for women either... if you want your able kid to stay home and they haven't even attempted to have a proper adult live in relationship and/or fly the nest by their 30s then you raised nothing but a failed cock lodging mooch. Its not something to be proud of and the amount of parental co-dependency is weird and NOT in your kids interest.

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 29/08/2024 20:58

I'm dreading when my DC move out tbh.

In some ways I quite like the idea of multi generational living but that would very much depend on what their partners are like. It could be quite fraught.

I'd have quite liked to have lived with/closer to my parents when my DC were small to help spread the load.

Zerro · 29/08/2024 20:58

Kitkat1523 · 29/08/2024 16:32

I get this…
.my 3 are 30s and 20s ….every night before I go to sleep I check when they were last on WhatsApp…. When any of them are under my roof at night I don’t need to do this and sleep more soundly for it

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Haha, I don't quite do that but once a year maybe, Christmas eve, they both stay here and it's absolute bliss having all the chicks back in the nest if only for a few hours.

FinallyYouSaid · 29/08/2024 21:02

3 dc are aged 16 to 7.

We're happy for them all to live at home for as long as they want.

We're not going to be able to gift them any deposits...but we can provide a large home where they all have their own double bedrooms, zero rent or bills to pay and the knowledge that they have a secure home for life.

It's an opportunity that neither dh or i ever had and I really hope they take full advantage of it and stay here until they're in a fantastic position to buy their own home with large saved deposit - whether that's at 20 or 30 or 40.

Skykidsspy · 29/08/2024 21:03

I hope they’ll move out but don’t expect it to be at 18! If they’re living here as adults though they need to contribute to the home they live in like adults - cook, clean etc.

Slowly weaning them away from me being the house skivvy as they get older so I can stop doing and thinking about everything that needs doing at some point! Not making dentist appts for 25 year olds…

RuthW · 29/08/2024 21:04

Yes of course.

My dd is 27 and since finishing uni has lived with me. She can stay as long as she likes.

autienotnaughty · 29/08/2024 21:05

My eldest is 24. She moved into a house share at 21 (after uni) she earns 24k but could afford to live independently. She moved home a year ago to save . In a year her and her boyfriend have saved 10k so are two thirds of way to having a house deposit. They also pay a low amount of board.

There are areas of this country that are affordable for young people to rent or buy.

My youngest is disabled he will likely always live with me.it is what it is. There's no guarantees, no one should go in to child rearing with an expectation.

Missamyp · 29/08/2024 21:06

JumpingAtShadows1 · 29/08/2024 19:39

I find it bemusing that it isn't just a financial reason - it seems that some people just do not seem to WANT to move out

It is not just financial
I know people who COULD easily move out - I know two ladies in their twenties who are on the higher end of earners and still live at home with their parents (and the parents actually have a much lesser income). Ones actually a company director and her parents are pensioners.

Resentments build up on all sides
I just do not understand that - I think it is suffocating as an adult / and unhealthy dynamic of aging parents feeling they need to parent all the time.

Going out of the house as a high earning business director, but having to explain to parents where you are going - and yes it does happen as there is not the automatic cut of point between parenting a child and an adult: People cannot figure out how to adapt to emerging adult / parent relationships as their isnt the clear cut of point of them becoming fully fledged independent

Also in the case of the two ladies I know - they have a higher income than their parents however the parents are allowing them to stay at home free / very cheaply. One pays nothing and the other pays £15 a week. I mean come on - how much more do they actually want from their parents at this stage.

There is a thread on here about a mum who is sick of cooking for her adult son . - you can see how resentments may build up.

Parents might rather the young adult moved out, but feel guilty feeling this way and feel resentful that they are not enjoying retirement or their later years instead of having to give a free or cheap ride to a perfectly capable adult. They might feel resentful that their retirement pot is being eroded

Having adult kids at home changes a persons life style, some older adults have a sense of adventure and may have wanted to travel or spend time with their other half but this is pushed on to the backburner

I dont think its healthy for anyone to be honest

Not healthy for anyone but it's very common across the world.
Pooling wealth
Support network for those in the household providing emotional support, friendship and health care.

Achieving independence in the UK comes at a cost. The responsibility for independent housing and social care is increasingly failing in the private sector and the state. This is putting a strain on both public and private finances. The concept of pursuing independence at all costs is proving to be unsuccessful.

RickyRoadddx · 29/08/2024 21:08

housethatbuiltme · 29/08/2024 20:56

Lets be honest would any woman on here want to date a 38 year old man who always lived at home with his parents and didn't financially support himself?

No.

And its not different for women either... if you want your able kid to stay home and they haven't even attempted to have a proper adult live in relationship and/or fly the nest by their 30s then you raised nothing but a failed cock lodging mooch. Its not something to be proud of and the amount of parental co-dependency is weird and NOT in your kids interest.

It is very possible to live at home - or return home - into your 30s and not be a slouch who can’t do anything for themselves.

Most of the people I know who live at home in their 30s have weird set ups where they’re either working away half the time or have moved home for a year or two whilst they find themselves between places and choose to save what they can.

They're generally not looking to date either, as they know the situation they’re in isn’t ideal.

Not everyone is a middle class professional who is in a long term straight relationship. Life doesn’t have to follow the traditional set up.

Gogogo12345 · 29/08/2024 21:10

SoundedGoodYesterday · 29/08/2024 20:50

So you keep them until they save a big deposit. Does it work that way if you are renting a 2 bed flat and would be financially better off downsizing

@Gogogo12345 What's your problem? I was talking about our own circumstances, not judging what anyone else should do. I clearly said we have a big house which helps. We don't have to downsize.

I'm not interested in what anyone else decides to do. Not sure what your issue is. If you're unhappy/struggling, try not to take it out others.

I'm not unhappy nor struggling lol Mine have moved out . And I was speaking in general of parents that seem to have to put their own lives and wishes on hold for evermore if their offspring decide not to move out. Very nice for you to have a big house but remember these things are not guaranteed in life. Divorce, illness, job loss can ruin people's lives in a very short space of time

Nicelynicelyjohnson · 29/08/2024 21:16

housethatbuiltme · 29/08/2024 20:56

Lets be honest would any woman on here want to date a 38 year old man who always lived at home with his parents and didn't financially support himself?

No.

And its not different for women either... if you want your able kid to stay home and they haven't even attempted to have a proper adult live in relationship and/or fly the nest by their 30s then you raised nothing but a failed cock lodging mooch. Its not something to be proud of and the amount of parental co-dependency is weird and NOT in your kids interest.

This is a big fear of mine. I love my kids, but I'd love to be able to visit them in their own houses - and maybe have them cook me a meal once in a while. Happy for them to come and stay, but would not be happy if they never launched at all.

I guess from the number of people here who are happy for their kids to remain at home, they don't see it as a problem.
I wonder though how many people on this thread married a man (or woman) who was living at home in their thirties?

RickyRoadddx · 29/08/2024 21:17

Gogogo12345 · 29/08/2024 20:36

So you keep them until they save a big deposit. Does it work that way if you are renting a 2 bed flat and would be financially better off downsizing

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Who downsizes from a two bed flat?!

Gogogo12345 · 29/08/2024 21:23

RickyRoadddx · 29/08/2024 21:17

Who downsizes from a two bed flat?!

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Many people if they need to. If you rent it then you can be a few hundred better off a month in a one bed

RickyRoadddx · 29/08/2024 21:26

whyNotaNice · 29/08/2024 16:07

Only for a daughter. If it is a son, I will make him pay the whole household bills and organise his life to such organised way that there won't be issues if he brings a wife. But for a daughter I would be completely more lenient. I know how hard financially it was for me when was young and unmarried.

So your daughter is allowed to just sit and look pretty and a nice rich man will come and look after her. Sounds healthy.

SoundedGoodYesterday · 29/08/2024 21:28

I'm not unhappy nor struggling lol Mine have moved out . And I was speaking in general of parents that seem to have to put their own lives and wishes on hold for evermore if their offspring decide not to move out. Very nice for you to have a big house but remember these things are not guaranteed in life. Divorce, illness, job loss can ruin people's lives in a very short space of time

Aren't you a little ray of sunshine? How weird!

Our financial situation means that regardless of what happens we will be just fine. Our lives will not be put on hold, we will continue to live life whether our children live with us or not. Thanks for your 'concern' though. 🤨 🤣

If you were speaking in general, then don't quote me asking about other people needing to downsize from a 2 bed flat when I have no experience of that. Everyone should do what they want/need, again, I was only speaking about my situation with zero interest or judgement to others.

Whose chips are you going to try to piss on next? 🤣

ChipsCheeseAndGravey · 29/08/2024 21:28

I’m in the minority here I know but I would want them to move out younger. My parents told us we were welcome back if things didn’t work out (my brother actually moved back in for three years) but it was clear we were expected to leave and live our own lives sooner rather than later. 3/5 are now home owners (I am not one of them but I’m also the youngest and I’m on the way). Even tho my friends who lived at home longer had more money and got deposits sorted sooner, I wouldn’t trade places with them. Living with friends and with partners in my 20s was well worth the delay in being a home owner and financial impact imo. I would really want my children to have these experiences and I would also want them to want that. It does depend on the child tho, if I had a child who couldn’t live independently of course they could stay forever, but that’s different.

Swollenandgrouchy · 29/08/2024 21:29

I’d be secretly delighted ☺️

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/08/2024 21:31

Yes id love him to keep living with me (if he was happy)

Xmasbaby11 · 29/08/2024 21:34

Yes I would - when you decide to have a baby you never know their needs.

we have dd 12 and 10 so it’s a long way off, but 12yo has ASD and far from mature now so I can’t assume she’d be ready to move out at 18. It’s too far off for me to know how I’ll feel.

I would want them to move out to move on with their lives and be independent as it’s an important rite of passage. But I’d be happy to provide them with a home while they need it.

PandaWorld · 29/08/2024 21:42

I'm still at home at 40 and very ashamed about it. I live in the most expensive part of the UK. My siblings have all moved out but only because they have much higher earning partners. Without them, they wouldn't have been able to do so.
My parents are still pretty young in their mid sixties but my mum is more like an 80 something and I suspect will need extensive care in the next couple of years. I think both my parents want me to stay as hate the idea of an 'empty nest'. Personally I think they are being selfish and not thinking of me.
I work but have chronic illnesses which makes it doubly hard. I have good savings (saved all my life ) but don't earn well.
I hate living here and feel my life is on hold. My siblings get treated better as they are 'home owners' and I feel like the kid stuck at home soon to be the future carer.
People say get a flat share but with my age and health that isn't a possibility and also I'm not ashamed to say I want more for myself than living in an ridiculously expensive flat share for the rest of my life as by doing that, I wouldn't be able to save to buy.
Sadly I think my parents would have had me but only to suit their needs, not mine. Parents should always have a life outside of their kids and want them out the family home. This is not the case with my parents which in my opinion is not right at all.

Gogogo12345 · 29/08/2024 21:44

SoundedGoodYesterday · 29/08/2024 21:28

I'm not unhappy nor struggling lol Mine have moved out . And I was speaking in general of parents that seem to have to put their own lives and wishes on hold for evermore if their offspring decide not to move out. Very nice for you to have a big house but remember these things are not guaranteed in life. Divorce, illness, job loss can ruin people's lives in a very short space of time

Aren't you a little ray of sunshine? How weird!

Our financial situation means that regardless of what happens we will be just fine. Our lives will not be put on hold, we will continue to live life whether our children live with us or not. Thanks for your 'concern' though. 🤨 🤣

If you were speaking in general, then don't quote me asking about other people needing to downsize from a 2 bed flat when I have no experience of that. Everyone should do what they want/need, again, I was only speaking about my situation with zero interest or judgement to others.

Whose chips are you going to try to piss on next? 🤣

I'm merely realistic. Lol

You are the one that assumed im bitter and struggling. No idea where you got that from tbh. I have My kids have moved out and are independent and I have freedom to do as I wish and move where I want

SoundedGoodYesterday · 29/08/2024 21:47

I'm merely realistic. Lol

Well thankfully for me, that will never be my reality.

Now go and spread your misery elsewhere. 💀

keepingitoff · 29/08/2024 21:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SoundedGoodYesterday · 29/08/2024 21:54

You are the one that assumed im bitter and struggling. No idea where you got that from tbh. I have My kids have moved out and are independent and I have freedom to do as I wish and move where I want

You've edited to add this.

For some reason you quoted my post to go on about people in 2 bed flats, when I'd said I live in a large house. Why did you do that?

Then you assumed my financial situation could be ruined, when it can't, and starting being the prophet of doom. Regardless of illness, a split etc, I'm financially secure. Again, thanks for your concern.

Your posts to me were irrelevant and weird. I doubt a happy person would post what you did.

cosyleafcafe · 29/08/2024 22:01

Fancycheese · 29/08/2024 20:17

Yes but surely by the age of 38 they’re well able to support themselves, absent any health issues. I think you can stop pulling out the “you brought me into the world” card at 38! Otherwise when does it stop?

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It's not about "when does it stop" or "pulling out a card".

As a parent you have made a decision to bring another human being into the world. You put their best interests above your own, for life. That's the deal.