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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said this in front of my husbands (and mine boss)

237 replies

VickyMcVities · 29/08/2024 06:50

My DH has form for belittling my feelings about completely legitimate concerns I have. He literally laughs often in front of other people including our children. This has on more than one occasion resulted in literally injury to one of our children because he refuses to heed my worries (I asked him to close a door whilst I breastfed our youngest as I was worried our middle child would climb out of an open window in that room, he refused, laughed and guess what? Child fell out of window and cracked her head open. I could give more (less dramatic but highly irritating examples).
At a recent work BBQ we were having a discussion in front of his boss (not big boss but reporting boss) and I said "our 18 year old daughter is not sleeping in a car driven by Joe Bloggs (a young male we all know to be silly and irresponsible) after a party. She'll freeze and it's dangerous." DH laughs and makes out as if I'm going overboard and everyone is doing it and I'm fussing. As the BBQ was a family event my 13 year old daughter was also present and another colleague.
I finally just cracked and said very very calmly (possibly weirdly calmly!) "DH if you ever belittle my legitimate concerns in front of our children again I will instruct a solicitor to divorce you" and I walked off.
I accept on the face of it that I may have gone overboard in an inappropriate context. HOWEVER I have had fucking years of this and am sick of it. I am also under huge amounts of stress right now due to very very ill close family and I'm having to reduce my working hours at my own expense to look after them so am not in a good place. (Be gentle please!)

OP posts:
Edingril · 29/08/2024 06:56

Your child is 18 you can't dictate what they do

And you demand he does what you want and because he doesn't obey you will divorce him then divorce him

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 29/08/2024 06:57

Was "Joe bloggs" going to be driving your 18 your old after a party?

I don't know if I would have said in front of so many people, I may have waited until I got him and it was just me and DH.

Whatatodo79 · 29/08/2024 06:58

Well you've said it now so I'm not quite sure what you're looking for. How have you been getting on together since? I'd be less worried about this incident and more worried that you seem to be so on the brink

GreenGrass28 · 29/08/2024 06:58

What you said wasn't unreasonable given the background you've given, but saying it in those circumstances was. That's a statement that should have been said privately. Not only was it not great from a professional standpoint for your dh, but I fear now your dh will focus more on the fact you said it in front of his boss, rather than focus on WHAT you said, which means it probably won't have had the impact you'd hoped.

You can't unring a bell though, so I'd acknowledge to your dh that it wasn't the right moment to say it, but reiterate that you meant it (assuming you do). If you didn't mean it, then there's the additional lesson of don't throw around empty threats.

angellinaballerina7 · 29/08/2024 07:17

Somehow I see you being missed off the invite list for the next work social event… how awkward for everyone else. Not to mention your child was there! Just completely inappropriate tbh.

Your statement has lost impact due to its delivery. You don’t like his behaviour (I wouldn’t either) but you caused a scene when you didn’t get your own way. If you mean what you said, you need to have this discussion again privately.

cookiebee · 29/08/2024 07:17

The person you should have sternly told about not sleeping in the car is your adult daughter, it’s none of your husbands business, or indeed yours what your adult daughter does and in front of any work colleagues was not a good move, it’s a discussion to have in private.

As for everything else, you are either very controlling or your husband is a complete idiot with no common sense, or somewhere in between. Can’t judge without any other examples of his behaviour really. If it’s all that bad then you should probably separate, it sounds like you don’t like him at all.

curious79 · 29/08/2024 07:20

Choosing a public forum to threaten divorce is probably not your finest moment.
that aside you do need to have a private conversation with him, staying weirdly calm if needed

Heronwatcher · 29/08/2024 07:21

He sounds like a bit of a dick but I wouldn’t have said that in front of other people, especially not his boss.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 29/08/2024 07:21

Can you not just debate the actual subject at hand without resorting to threats of divorce? And in front of your boss and child??? Yeeesh. No matter what the history and what you have endured to get to this point I'm afraid you've made yourself look dreadful. If you really felt that way in the moment you should've hissed it into his ear, not dragged other people into the drama.

KaToby · 29/08/2024 07:22

You can’t dictate what your 18 year old daughter does, she’s an adult.

WhingeInTheWillows · 29/08/2024 07:24

You certainly had reason to complain if he does this frequently but I would be so annoyed if my partner said something like this in front of all those people.

K0OLA1D · 29/08/2024 07:25

Your 18yo is an adult.

2 - what happened with the window?? Why could you not shut the door if he didn't? How close was the door to the window that you couldn't see or stop your dc from falling out??

He sounds like a knob, but not the time or the place.

angeldelite · 29/08/2024 07:25

Yanbu. He deserved it.

Typically, you’ll get loads of people telling you YABU because women are never allowed to answer back.

Lacdulancelot · 29/08/2024 07:27

WhingeInTheWillows · 29/08/2024 07:24

You certainly had reason to complain if he does this frequently but I would be so annoyed if my partner said something like this in front of all those people.

But perhaps you wouldn’t belittle your partner in front of her boss in the first place.

angeldelite · 29/08/2024 07:28

Lacdulancelot · 29/08/2024 07:27

But perhaps you wouldn’t belittle your partner in front of her boss in the first place.

Show quote history

Exactly.

Trebol · 29/08/2024 07:30

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request

HelenWheels · 29/08/2024 07:31

why is she sleeping in a car?

HelenWheels · 29/08/2024 07:31

you were a bit of a cow

BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 29/08/2024 07:31

OP well done you! 👏

At worst you made your OH and boss embarrassed, but I'd say his constant belittling you is so much worse. Amazed at some of the previous responses to you've received, but as women we are literally conditioned to absorbing male behaviour. Heaven forbid you stand up for yourself and make a guy uncomfortable!

And sorry for the extra stress that you are going through. If nothing else your OH needs to be making sure he supports YOU at a time like this.

LeavesOnTrees · 29/08/2024 07:33

I think it's fair enough you finally stood up for yourself.
We all crack sometimes. I bet his boss just found it amusing.

Coughsweet · 29/08/2024 07:35

At least you didn’t say to his boss “Is he this
much of a twat at work?”

5128gap · 29/08/2024 07:35

Tbh if I'd have been there I'd have been applauding you. I despise men who try to look the big man by belittling their wives and always pity the woman. I think I'd have felt relieved that you stuck up for yourself and weren't completely under his thumb. I'd have judged him six ways to Sunday though and it would have effected how I viewed him at work. But then I'm a woman boss. Regardless its done and I think perhaps represents a watershed moment? Your Hs arrogance and desire to show who's boss by deliberately undermining you has already injured one of your children. He's a liability.

Zapx · 29/08/2024 07:35

It sounds like you’re at breaking point. I hope you’re able to take some time for you at some point, it sounds like you’re under huge pressure atm.

Temporaryname158 · 29/08/2024 07:36

Why is it at personal costs to you reducing your hours to care for family? Is he not financially supporting you as your husband?

does he belittle you in other areas of your life. He sounds a bit of a bully and this could well be the tip of the iceberg!

id consider your options of leaving him if there is more to it like him not supporting financially or this being regular put downs in other areas of your life too

Borninabarn32 · 29/08/2024 07:37

He thinks it's acceptable to belittle you in front of other people so he got a taste of his own medicine didn't he. Maybe he'll think before trying to make you look stupid and irrational to others from now on.

I don't know how you've put up with it for that long.