To have said this in front of my husbands (and mine boss)

[VickyMcVities]

My DH has form for belittling my feelings about completely legitimate concerns I have. He literally laughs often in front of other people including our children. This has on more than one occasion resulted in literally injury to one of our children because he refuses to heed my worries (I asked him to close a door whilst I breastfed our youngest as I was worried our middle child would climb out of an open window in that room, he refused, laughed and guess what? Child fell out of window and cracked her head open. I could give more (less dramatic but highly irritating examples).
At a recent work BBQ we were having a discussion in front of his boss (not big boss but reporting boss) and I said "our 18 year old daughter is not sleeping in a car driven by Joe Bloggs (a young male we all know to be silly and irresponsible) after a party. She'll freeze and it's dangerous." DH laughs and makes out as if I'm going overboard and everyone is doing it and I'm fussing. As the BBQ was a family event my 13 year old daughter was also present and another colleague.
I finally just cracked and said very very calmly (possibly weirdly calmly!) "DH if you ever belittle my legitimate concerns in front of our children again I will instruct a solicitor to divorce you" and I walked off.
I accept on the face of it that I may have gone overboard in an inappropriate context. HOWEVER I have had fucking years of this and am sick of it. I am also under huge amounts of stress right now due to very very ill close family and I'm having to reduce my working hours at my own expense to look after them so am not in a good place. (Be gentle please!)

Ok, so not the best time and situation to have said it, but I have a lot of sympathy for you. My DH belittled my concerns over safety with our children, especially DS2 as a baby eg having him up on the settee with him when I knew DH was tired and I was worried about DS2 rolling off. And then the inevitable happened on holiday in a caravan - I needed a shower after swimming and I asked him to put DS (6 months) on the playmat and sit with him. He said I was being ridiculous as he was fine. I was 5 minutes in the shower and I heard the thud - DH had clearly nodded off. Cue a rush to French A&E and a hard discussion with Drs. When we’d put the DC to bed I told DH to go to bed and that I would stay up all night and do the two hour checks on DS2, but that if he ever ridiculed my safety concerns ever again we were done.

That was the end of them - he definitely learned. What the Dr said basically gave DH the shock of his life. It’s very concerning in your case that the incident where your DC fell out of the window didn’t result in change. The case you were concerned about now is tricky as your DD is 18 - but I can see your concerns. To be honest, I wouldn’t apologise or back down- I’d double down now. He was a total dickhead whose stupidity led to a serious injury. That might have been years ago, but he clearly hasn’t learned, and I would have exploded long before now. I’d be telling him he’s had it coming for years.

You were hugely unreasonable to do it in front if his boss but he is a dickhead and you are not wrong for your concerns or his belittling you.

Wow. So it’s ok for him to belittle her in front of the kids and her boss, but not for her to push back?

I mean I would have saved the divorce word for a private moment… but not the overall pushback.

Presumably he’s been told in private many times. Some men don’t realise what their wife says is important unless someone else is there to hear it. DH had to learn that what I said mattered and wasn’t a passing fancy I was wittering about- it took be hissing and swearing at him before he realised that I actually meant what I was saying and cared about it and expected him to pay attention. He’d managed to fail to realise I was communicating things that were important to me, rather than just making conversation.

Yes, as can be seen from my long response !! I agree as well. He richly deserved it.

Just divorce him.
With the example you have given is well more than enough. He is utterly stupid.

It's probably the result he is looking for, but too cowardly to instigate

The scene was already caused. Have you never been with a couple where the guy puts down his wife like that? It's excruciating to watch. Embarrassing for anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence. The OP just brought the whole horrible social faux pas to an end, albeit more dramatically. But at least she made it stop. Her H could have gone on like that all evening which would have been awful for all.

To be clear, he’s been belittling you in front of others for years. You’ve finally snapped and had a go back. I’m not sure what else he expected you to do - he clearly thinks it’s fine to say what he wants to say in public. His boss probably he’s knows he’s an idiot as well.

Yeah she missed an opportunity there!!

@VickyMcVities is the 'boss' family?

Frankly, he's lucky that's all you said. Get him told properly.

Sounds like you've been pushed to the limit, and we all have thresholds. Whatever anyone else says on here, yes it is your business who your 18 year old goes home with, she's your daughter and you care about her, even if she's old enough. Yes it's also his responsibility.
Sit down with him 1to1, apologise for reacting in public like you did, and at the same time re state exactly what you said.
All the best

If you are at breaking point then it is hardly surprising. If it is the kind of thing you say quite often then you are being unreasonable. Did you say it in front of your 13yr old who was at the party or just your boss? Your boss doesn’t really matter but saying stuff like that in front of your children does matter.

Good for you OP, hopefully he’ll think before belittling you next time, he sounds like a twat. Agree with everything @Maray1967 said. Hope you’re ok.

You sound like you are in a difficult place OP. Unfortunately the AIBU is not known for sympathy and understanding. I would delete/hide this thread and, if you think it would help, post again in relationships.

I don't think you were BU by the way, your husband sounds particularly unpleasant.

YANBU about your points (at all!) but YABU to address it there and then.

He sounds awful.

I could not stay with somebody like this.

The only thing is I would not have said it in front of my 13-year-old child. My kids would have become very upset if I spoke about getting divorced in front of them like that.

We had a school friend who married a bloke like this - he was a total idiot at someone else’s wedding, and it was embarrassing, but in the loos she told us all was fine, he was just a bit stressed etc. Two years later they were divorced.

I agree you needed to address the way your husband disregards your concerns.... But why chose the cringiest possible way!

It’s always utter cringe when couples play out their issues in public irrespective of the rights and wrongs of it

Yabu to have said this in front of your boss, awkward to say the least.
You sound very stressed and like you can't see the wood for the trees. Your daughter at 18 years can sleep in a cold car, if you don't think it's wise, talk to her about it and your husband doesn't have to agree with you. I think you snapping is a symptom of your frustration and perhaps couples counselling would help.

I mean this with kindness. Is he belittling your concerns or does he think you are over anxious with your kids.

Good for you! He sounds like an utter arse. I don’t know why you’ve put up with him at all.

Why not? He did.

Why are you having to pay the costs of reduced working alone? Your marriage doesn’t sound like a partnership.

Exactly all the “ooohh how could you?” posts seems to have missed that bit 🙄

This. I don't understand re the car. Why would she freeze? Do you mean they would all sleep in it after the party stationary or the concerns would be his driving it? Surely she could just wrap up warm if it was being driven, and she's 18, daft enough to want an uncomfortable night in a car? Her choice!
And the window? Were you in the same room as toddler? If I could see it happening or had the slightest inkling that my child could fall out of a WINDOW I wouldn't set that as my 'hill' I'd just get up and shut the door to keep them in a room with me, shut the window.