To have said this in front of my husbands (and mine boss)

[VickyMcVities]

My DH has form for belittling my feelings about completely legitimate concerns I have. He literally laughs often in front of other people including our children. This has on more than one occasion resulted in literally injury to one of our children because he refuses to heed my worries (I asked him to close a door whilst I breastfed our youngest as I was worried our middle child would climb out of an open window in that room, he refused, laughed and guess what? Child fell out of window and cracked her head open. I could give more (less dramatic but highly irritating examples).
At a recent work BBQ we were having a discussion in front of his boss (not big boss but reporting boss) and I said "our 18 year old daughter is not sleeping in a car driven by Joe Bloggs (a young male we all know to be silly and irresponsible) after a party. She'll freeze and it's dangerous." DH laughs and makes out as if I'm going overboard and everyone is doing it and I'm fussing. As the BBQ was a family event my 13 year old daughter was also present and another colleague.
I finally just cracked and said very very calmly (possibly weirdly calmly!) "DH if you ever belittle my legitimate concerns in front of our children again I will instruct a solicitor to divorce you" and I walked off.
I accept on the face of it that I may have gone overboard in an inappropriate context. HOWEVER I have had fucking years of this and am sick of it. I am also under huge amounts of stress right now due to very very ill close family and I'm having to reduce my working hours at my own expense to look after them so am not in a good place. (Be gentle please!)

You're probably at breaking point. You picked the wrong moment though. You came across as highly inappropriate to say that especially in front of your young daughter, and make everyone else feel awkward. If anything it made you look bad not him.

Just because he behaved like a fool, doesn't mean she had to. Now they're both cringey instead of just one of them. Spousal bickering in front of colleagues is awkward at best.

There is this

You sound unhappy.

I find the original conversation a bit strange. And would probably laugh out of uncomfortableness at Dp insisting he could dictate what Dd (when she was 18) could do, in front of a work colleague.

On the one hand you have put up with it for years, so to create a fuss right there and then wasn’t great. On the other hand it’s probably built up and up and you didn’t choose to snap at that point.

But it’s really uncomfortable for everyone else you (both of you) are bringing into this.

In all honestly, if it’s got to this point aren’t you miserable already?

Final straw springs to mind. Maybe it wasn’t so much about diffference in opinions. But you have had enough of not being heard or communicated with. It may seem an overreaction to some but it sounds to me like you had enough.

Missed the point a bit haven't you. It's not about the daughter or anything else, it's about her husband's attitude in front of other people.

Your child fell out of a window of a room you were in? How odd. Did you watch it happen so your point was proved?

This. He sounds like an absolute dickhead

I think your concerns are legitimate. But totally out of order to say that to your husband in front of all these people. But it sounds like a difficult marriage and your DH doesn't respect you. Look at your options for separating.

Oh OP, you sound sad and unhappy in your marriage.

Obviously you didn’t pick the right place to say this, but you snapped. Private family business shouldn’t be aired at parties, particularly work parties.

Clearly a private conversation is now needed between you. 💐

Did you not read about the window incident? That was one example - he's evidently got poor form for risk assessment. So, maybe he thinks she's over anxious but in reality it's him that's too laissez faire.

Did you miss the op saying that she was breastfeeding their baby at the time? Not easy to jump up and run across the room at that moment

Sorry op I can't get past you not closing the window either.

You are not being unreasonable about your husband belittling you, nobody would like that and he needs to stop.

However, I cannot imagine in a million years why you said this at his work colleague/boss's barbecue, it seems so inappropriate:

"..our 18 year old daughter is not sleeping in a car driven by Joe Bloggs (a young male we all know to be silly and irresponsible) after a party. She'll freeze and it's dangerous."

I don't know how the subject came up but that is personal business concerning your daughter, not anybody else. You could be right but it's still not something to be aired publicly. In any case what an eighteen year old does is up to her or him. On that occasion, your husband would have been justified in being embarrassed. I would have been.

It needed saying.

But not in front of his boss, your boss and your 13yo DC.

And, to be fair, I think it's up to your DD if she sleeps in a car after a party. She won't freeze unless it's mid-winter. Perhaps he feels as though you're interfering with an adults choices?

I'm sorry times are so tough for you. I hope he's supportive and that you're not shouldering all of this alone.

It would have been better to laugh and say to his boss, "Is he this much of a twat at work?"

The discussion about your eighteen year old daughter is not appropriate at the function. She is eighteen and it is a family matter.
Divorce is never something to be bandied about to win an argument, and in front of others (and the kids) is unforgivable. You are discussing the redrock of your children's lives.

Talk about genuine things calmly and often your DH will not share your opinion. That is normal.

It is mean to belittle you at any time so now, after DH was belittled by you, he might remember what it feels like and cease.

@ErrolTheDragon The window incident is mentioned. Guessing it was also 13 years ago. It could also be the only time the op was proved right and it's brought up every time

Now obviously I don't know this for certain. The dp may be an idiot and op may be very over anxious.
However whenever my dh is stressed in other areas of his life he becomes overly anxious with the dcs.

I cant get over the unencumbered husband not just closing the door when asked. (I inferred the open window was in a different room to the OP, accessible via this door).

I used to bite my tongue in public because no body wants to hear it or it’s inappropriate. But all that did was to give my ex free rein to talk how he liked with no push back. I wouldn’t do it now I wouldn’t care where I was or who I was with if someone belittled me they are getting my answer back.
You think he would’ve learnt when your dc fell out of a window! But no he just likes to belittle you and your opinion to make him look good. Twat.

She was breastfeeding. Her husband was asked to close the window and he refused. Probably because, like you, he thought it was her job.

Yes why should the man be asked to close the window. Let the woman do it.

Ah sorry door not window!

No I get that the DH should have just closed the door as asked. But op doesn't come off well at all in that situation either by also not addressing the (very valid as it turns out) risk.

Assuming you have taught your children that you only make a threat you intend to carry out, how do you think your 13 yr old feels at the moment - anxious , upset ? Thinking the next time something is said ( maybe even intended as a joke ) that’s it you are going ?

Sounds like your DH is hard work and you are under significant pressure but a public forum isn’t really the best place to make such a statement. Much better to have the conversation in private

So he’s allowed to minimize OP’s thoughts and feelings in front of anyone and everyone, but when she says anything it’s disrespectful? The hypocrisy is unbearable. This sounds like the straw the broke the camel’s back.

You've embarrassed yourself and made everyone else uncomfortable who have no idea about your home dynamics.

If you've got a problem with him, resolve it or leave, don't make dramatic ultimatums in front of work colleagues.