Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have said this in front of my husbands (and mine boss)

237 replies

VickyMcVities · 29/08/2024 06:50

My DH has form for belittling my feelings about completely legitimate concerns I have. He literally laughs often in front of other people including our children. This has on more than one occasion resulted in literally injury to one of our children because he refuses to heed my worries (I asked him to close a door whilst I breastfed our youngest as I was worried our middle child would climb out of an open window in that room, he refused, laughed and guess what? Child fell out of window and cracked her head open. I could give more (less dramatic but highly irritating examples).
At a recent work BBQ we were having a discussion in front of his boss (not big boss but reporting boss) and I said "our 18 year old daughter is not sleeping in a car driven by Joe Bloggs (a young male we all know to be silly and irresponsible) after a party. She'll freeze and it's dangerous." DH laughs and makes out as if I'm going overboard and everyone is doing it and I'm fussing. As the BBQ was a family event my 13 year old daughter was also present and another colleague.
I finally just cracked and said very very calmly (possibly weirdly calmly!) "DH if you ever belittle my legitimate concerns in front of our children again I will instruct a solicitor to divorce you" and I walked off.
I accept on the face of it that I may have gone overboard in an inappropriate context. HOWEVER I have had fucking years of this and am sick of it. I am also under huge amounts of stress right now due to very very ill close family and I'm having to reduce my working hours at my own expense to look after them so am not in a good place. (Be gentle please!)

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 31/08/2024 13:10

Fine to stand up for yourself re being belittled - I think I'd not have mentioned solicitor/divorce, just booked some time off the following week to see a solicitor.

K0OLA1D · 31/08/2024 13:10

ThistleTits · 30/08/2024 19:23

Why not, he does it to her repeatedly. She's very stressed and has reached her last nerve.

Its never ok to say in fron of your kids

ThistleTits · 31/08/2024 14:49

K0OLA1D · 31/08/2024 13:10

Its never ok to say in fron of your kids

Then he should remember that!

K0OLA1D · 31/08/2024 15:22

ThistleTits · 31/08/2024 14:49

Then he should remember that!

He didn't threaten divorce in front of a child

Beebopmoon · 31/08/2024 16:13

K0OLA1D · 31/08/2024 15:22

He didn't threaten divorce in front of a child

No, he just continually belittles, demeans and ridicules her in front of her children and others which is a form of abuse.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 31/08/2024 17:12

Hectorscalling · 29/08/2024 13:23

From the title I think the Op works in the same place.

She very might have impacted both their jobs.

and women are usually judged more for snapping, than men are for thinking their wife’s concerns are silly

Well I, as a female parent, think her concern about the 18 year old is silly and controlling. And this wasn't the time or place to have the discussion.

I would have been embarrassed for her husband , felt sorry for the 15 year oldcand would have been cringing at the OP's behaviour.

pinkstripeycat · 31/08/2024 17:28

Edingril · 29/08/2024 06:56

Your child is 18 you can't dictate what they do

And you demand he does what you want and because he doesn't obey you will divorce him then divorce him

OP isn’t dictating but she is still her child’s parent and to be fair many 18 year olds will still have respect for their parents to listen to any concerns .
My kids are still respectful enough at 17 and 18 to ask my permission for things even though they know they can do their own thing.

OP well done for calling your DH out!

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 31/08/2024 20:25

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Goodtogossip · 02/09/2024 14:31

I can understand your frustration with your husband if he undermines or ignores your opinions often but the delivery of your response wasn't the best timed. Hopefully your Boss knows you both well enough to know your relationship dynamics & might know you're personal circumstances & that you're stressed & not on top form so won't take too much notice of it all.

K0OLA1D · 02/09/2024 14:35

Beebopmoon · 31/08/2024 16:13

No, he just continually belittles, demeans and ridicules her in front of her children and others which is a form of abuse.

That still doesn't make it ok.

AmIEnough · 04/09/2024 08:32

GreenGrass28 · 29/08/2024 06:58

What you said wasn't unreasonable given the background you've given, but saying it in those circumstances was. That's a statement that should have been said privately. Not only was it not great from a professional standpoint for your dh, but I fear now your dh will focus more on the fact you said it in front of his boss, rather than focus on WHAT you said, which means it probably won't have had the impact you'd hoped.

You can't unring a bell though, so I'd acknowledge to your dh that it wasn't the right moment to say it, but reiterate that you meant it (assuming you do). If you didn't mean it, then there's the additional lesson of don't throw around empty threats.

This!

We will have limits so try not to beat yourself up too much. It sounds as if you’ve had years and years of this kind of behaviour which has clearly resulted in either inconvenience to you or injury to your children and you are the one having to pick up the pieces.

Granted, the situation where you said this was probably not the right one, however you’ve done it now. It seems to me that your husband has no respect for you and may even do this to you because he himself has low self-esteem. I’m not making excuses for him in the slightest and I think I would probably feel exactly the same way as you do. He needs to change and show you a little more respect and I think you need to have a conversation about what you said and the fact that you meant it (assuming you did). I wish you all the best.

LondonUSAGirl · 21/10/2024 17:42

Why are you still with this guy, and letting your kids grow up thinking it's ok for a man to repeatedly belittle his wife?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page