To have said this in front of my husbands (and mine boss)

[VickyMcVities]

My DH has form for belittling my feelings about completely legitimate concerns I have. He literally laughs often in front of other people including our children. This has on more than one occasion resulted in literally injury to one of our children because he refuses to heed my worries (I asked him to close a door whilst I breastfed our youngest as I was worried our middle child would climb out of an open window in that room, he refused, laughed and guess what? Child fell out of window and cracked her head open. I could give more (less dramatic but highly irritating examples).
At a recent work BBQ we were having a discussion in front of his boss (not big boss but reporting boss) and I said "our 18 year old daughter is not sleeping in a car driven by Joe Bloggs (a young male we all know to be silly and irresponsible) after a party. She'll freeze and it's dangerous." DH laughs and makes out as if I'm going overboard and everyone is doing it and I'm fussing. As the BBQ was a family event my 13 year old daughter was also present and another colleague.
I finally just cracked and said very very calmly (possibly weirdly calmly!) "DH if you ever belittle my legitimate concerns in front of our children again I will instruct a solicitor to divorce you" and I walked off.
I accept on the face of it that I may have gone overboard in an inappropriate context. HOWEVER I have had fucking years of this and am sick of it. I am also under huge amounts of stress right now due to very very ill close family and I'm having to reduce my working hours at my own expense to look after them so am not in a good place. (Be gentle please!)

I'm personally of the view that if you use divorce as the threat in an ultimatum, that the relationship has broken down to the point that divorce is the only option. Whether you said this in front of a boss or just between the 2 of you.

You will have made your boss and anyone else present uncomfortable and need to explain & apologise.

Whether you apologise to your DH or see a solicitor is up to you.

That's a statement that should have been said privately. Not only was it not great from a professional standpoint for your dh, but I fear now your dh will focus more on the fact you said it in front of his boss, rather than focus on WHAT you said, which means it probably won't have had the impact you'd hoped.

Exactly. You've shot yourself in the foot there, OP. And you've opened yourself to accusations of hypocrisy, since what you said in front of your child was equally bad, if not worse.

OP it sounds like you're not in a good place right now so emotions are heightened.
My advice would be not to make big decisions such as: divorce / relationship issues. until you're in a better place.
Get through this period of a sick relative etc first
You are still breastfeeding so that's good. It means your having some good hormones and at least resting while your feed.
Be kind to yourself as you've already recognised this is a difficult time for you
Sounds like your DH has always been like this and it's who he is
Maybe now while your a little stressed the things that usually might not bother you so much are exaggerated
Sending hugs x

This. It's quite clearly been coming to the boil for a while now. Did you perhaps feel you'd a better chance of being heard in front of others? The disinfection of sunlight and all that.

If the incidents that are being referenced are the main ones, then I think op is over dramatising. Yes the window incident is awful- but if I KNEW there was an open window my toddler could climb up to, and there was history of them trying to climb out of it, that window wouldn't ever be left open, and I wouldn't make it into a battlefield of 'YOU were told to close it' I'd just close it.

so you don’t think DH had to shut the window but OP did? As in it’s not his fault for not closing the window but it is her fault for not closing the window?

There is a time, and a place when it is appropriate, this was not it.

I think in your careful reading of the ops opening post you missed ‘while I breastfed our youngest.’

That’s not a conversation I’d have in public no. Not unreasonable to say it, hugely unreasonable to do it publicly and make everyone uncomfortable. I also assume it was complete bullshit and you’ve no intention of divorcing him. You also cannot dictate what an adult child does, only advise.

so yeah for me unreasonable.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all to feel that way and say that to him. He sounds like an undermining twat.

I do think you shouldn't have said it at a get together in front of his boss, however.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time.

I already said I didn’t disagree with what she said? I think doing it in front of people where there was a decent chance your own children could overhear you or others talking about it was not appropriate.

It would have been better to say something along the lines of they’d talk about it later, then come out with the divorce threat.

Most people don’t have context of other people’s relationships, how are her work colleagues going to know this is the straw that breaks the camels back rather than they’re just a couple that at surface level don’t seem like they should be together and create an atmosphere for everybody else?

I am wondering when the window incident happened? Because if the child who climbed out the window was the one who is now 18, and the one being fed was the one who is now 13, I think it should not still be getting dragged up now as evidence of wrongdoing.

I picked up on the "having to cut down my hours at my own expense"
He is wrong it is Not Right. The loss of family income should be borne by the total combined family finance.
You are married they are joint children brought up as part of The Family.

Oh right as breastfeeding makes you incapable . Yup got it, will inform every single breastfeeding mother they can’t possibly breast feed and care for any other kids, who knew. Thanks for enlightening us.

I don't think that's what people are saying, it's 'the window needed closing, someone close it'. Equally it could be said 'you don’t think op had to shut the window but the dh did when he was told to? As in it’s not her fault for not closing the window but it is his fault for not closing the window?'
The fact that the 'legitimate concerns' and the divorce threat were used in relation to an 18 yo at a party, don't help the argument that op isn't dramatising. awaiting the 'you're clearly a MAN comments.

Valid,

If I asked my DP to shut the door because I was worried, and he didn’t, I’d shut it myself. No way would I leave it, putting a dc at risk and then keep bringing it up 13 years later to beat him with.

DH should have shut the door when asked to prevent an accident.

Op should have shut the door when he didn't, to prevent an accident.

They are both equally at fault for the accident that then happened.

Because as i say, preventing an accident to a child is way more important than "he didnt do it so why should I?".

Nonsense, no one is arguing she shouldn’t have said it, what’s been said is she should have done so privately . She just looked like a twat. Especially as it was in relation to undermining her with not a child but an adult

100 percent.

Ah I forgot you can't move whilst breastfeeding.

I'm sorry, like I say the husband is a twat, but if I knew he'd not shut the door or window I'd have done it myself.

I'm sorry. This all sounds very stressful.

I'm interested in how your boss responded.

I would hope they would have sought you out and asked if everything was OK and if there was anything they could do to support you (workwise).

It sounds like you need to be properly heard, rather than people just listening to reply (like your DH?) iyswim.

Yes YWBU

you've only succeeded in embarrassing yourself, and your husband. I'm sure they're all wondering if you're ok.

Good for you. Hopefully his boss knowing he’s a knob at home might cool his jets a bit.

Brilliant that so many women on here are so conditioned to “put up and shut up” that they’re jumping down this woman’s throat. The worst thing a woman could do is cause a scene in public apparently! Let’s all clutch our pearls. No mention of him belittling her constantly and putting her down? No empathy for someone at breaking point?

Women! Know your place and act “respectfully” at all times.