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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

316 replies

FunnysInLaJardin · 28/08/2024 21:57

That you feel when you child goes to university?

I have been struggling with it for months, but it doesn't seem to be acknowledged.

I understand that some people are happy for their DC to leave home, but there are so many of us that feel deep sadness about it.

I wish I had known all of this in advance, that I was going to feel all of this

OP posts:

Lulubellamozarella · 28/08/2024 22:05

It's brutal isn't it? For me its been the hardest part of being a parent. My eldest left home 4 years ago and she now lives and works in Ireland and my youngest is off to Uni in less than 2 weeks and I am dreading it. I can't believe I won't see her everyday for a while and I will miss her so much. It definitely feels like grieving as its the end of an era and feels like the end of her childhood. No one warns you how hard this part will be.

But I also feel mixed emotions because I feel so excited for her too. I know from my eldest leaving, and the grief I felt when she left, that is does get better.

pinotnow · 28/08/2024 22:05

I know - my eldest will go next year and I keep thinking this is the last year of its kind we will ever have. I am both dreading it but obviously excited for him too. I hope you adjust well to the new stage in the relationship. It's a huge wrench for sure.

Itsabitweirdinhereinnit · 28/08/2024 22:07

I’m expecting it tbh. And I’m also the expecting it to feel even worse than I can possibly imagine :/

Phase2 · 28/08/2024 22:07

Join that Facebook group What I wish I knew or something. They are all bereft at it. I had to leave it was so maudlin but you aren't alone op, those of us thrilled to see them grow up and go away are a minority.

Modestee · 28/08/2024 22:10

Try this; Elder goes to uni, younger joins military.
November was a bit quiet!!!

usernother · 28/08/2024 22:18

People don't tell you because not everyone feels it. I missed both of mine but I was also happy and excited for them. I think you bring them up to set them free and I was glad they had the confidence to be living alone in a strange city and that they were clever enough to be able to go to Uni. They had opportunities I never had.

Tcateh · 28/08/2024 22:19

I'm not sure if you've heard of it but there's a great Facebook page called WIWIKAU
what I wish I knew about university which I joined in the run up to a level results and starting uni.

I'm still a member now and my daughter finished uni last year.

It's incredibly helpful, and supportive.

Lots of parents, well mainly mums going through similar.
It really really helped me to deal with and share my grief after she'd left.
I was bloody blindsided by it.
The run up was fine, all about the achievement during COVID to get to uni.
The day I left her at her uni town I was absolutely bereft. Especially as it was then just me in the house.

My god I was in a bad place for weeks. Yet it was still my mum job to be supportive and strong so somehow it worked out.

Everyone is different and some mum's might not understand if they don't feel a grief, but I'm one who totally gets what you're saying.

Hugs to you x

Pigeonqueen · 28/08/2024 22:20

I felt this way when dd first went to university. It probably lasted until around the end of her first year. Then when she came home for the summer although it was lovely to have her home I think both she and I were looking forward to the break again. It gets easier. You want them to have their own life, you learn to let them go a bit by bit and it is sad but that’s the price you pay for raising a well adjusted adult who gets to have their own life with their own choices.

mjdle · 28/08/2024 22:21

I'll admit I didn't feel it at first, I was happy to see her go off to uni, I did shed a tear but nothing major. Three years later, degree completed and she's still not home. I always imagined she'd come back. I'm beyond proud of her successes and that she's starting her own adult life, but I'm so unbearably sad that I'll probably never get her back under my roof.

RechargeableGnu · 28/08/2024 22:23

I didn't feel grief at all, just glad they were in their university of choice.

I definitely have a few tears when they leave to go back but I'm pleased they're where they want to be.

Sympathy to those who are finding it hard.

Enko · 28/08/2024 22:24

I can recall saying to a friend of mine. "This whole empty nesting is seen like a big joke and a middle aged crisis but it's horrid and not funny at all." 2 years later when it was her turn she said to me "omg you are so right."

It is spoken about but it's made into this stupid joke. I have 2 at uni right now and I criedwhen b ds left to go back. He is loving it. Having the time of his life. But oh I miss him. Dd3 is even further away and we see her less as she can't just pop home for the weekend like ds can. And it hurts..

I am thankful for our family WhatsApp group and the kids are great of keeping in touch.

I saw this saying the other day and to me it was just soo true. Yes I do all the time..

We have dd2 home at the moment but dd2 is getting married next year and has very much flown the nest. I know we have little time left with them all "home with us" they are always my favourite people in the world noone I'd rather spend time with.

why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

ILoveMyCaravan · 28/08/2024 22:25

My eldest going to university nearly broke me. I cried every day for weeks! But he had the best time and made lifelong friends and now has his dream career. That makes it all worth it. Now I wouldn't change it, it was the making of him. And we're still close, that hasn't changed.

BIossomtoes · 28/08/2024 22:26

Wait until degree day and your heart bursts with pride. It makes it all worthwhile.

sunseaandsoundingoff · 28/08/2024 22:27

I think it's the difference between parents who make their kids their whole life and haven't really have any interests outside of them for 18 years, and those who have.

Nuggetnuggety · 28/08/2024 22:29

Is it a relatively new thing as in the past it was more normal to actually leave home permanently at such a young age?

Enko · 28/08/2024 22:29

sunseaandsoundingoff · 28/08/2024 22:27

I think it's the difference between parents who make their kids their whole life and haven't really have any interests outside of them for 18 years, and those who have.

I disagree.. I have a life outside of my children. I have interests outside of them. They are however my most favourite people in the world. Dh and the dog in most favourites too.. dd1s fiance and ds girlfriend slowly getting up there too..

But I have a full life thats not dependent on my children. Doesn't mean I don't want to spend time w them.

vdbfamily · 28/08/2024 22:30

I agree not everyone feels this. We will have 3 at Uni this year and we cannot wait to get the house back after summer holidays and hear about their adventures over the phone and in the holidays. I am not at all sad. I might be a bit anxious though as my youngest is likely to struggle at Uni initially and that will worry me.

RootToVictory · 28/08/2024 22:30

Carol-Ann Duffy has edited a wonderful book of poetry called Empty Nest which captures the complex feelings well. I’d really recommend it.

For me, DS has had a slightly rocky road to uni so along with worrying about missing him I also feel relieved that he made it and very pleased and excited for him. I think it’s good to allow yourself to feel all these emotions.

Orchidlover75 · 28/08/2024 22:33

It's horrendous 😭. I thought I was OK about it until the Friday before he left, then the floodgates opened and stayed open for quite some time...

OneBadKitty · 28/08/2024 22:35

I think it's so weird. On one hand I'm excited and so proud that she's going and has the confidence to forge her own way ahead in a city far away. On the other hand it's going to seem so strange. especially as she's our only child. She has prepared us for life without her though because we've hardly seen her for the last 6 months- what with travelling, working, constantly going out and staying over at friends' and at her boyfriends it's felt like we've partly lost her already x

beetr00 · 28/08/2024 22:36

Empty nest syndrome is a well-known phenomenon @FunnysInLaJardin

Seems tough initially but seeing your children fly is both exciting and fascinating.

You will get there. 💐

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/sep/15/it-struck-me-like-a-thunderbolt-how-to-survive-empty-nest-syndrome-and-come-out-smiling

mjdle · 28/08/2024 22:37

@sunseaandsoundingoff I feel the same as OP just a few years later and I've definitely carved my own life away from my kids. Always worked full time, have a great, fulfilling career, very close to my family, lots of friends, have always had breaks and holidays away from the kids, regular nights out, hobbies. You shouldn't be so judgemental!

Chasingsquirrels · 28/08/2024 22:37

I had a sad 5 minutes when I got home after dropping ds1 at uni 3 years ago. And subsequently a sad couple of minutes each time after that.
Then he drives me mad in the holidays.

tinklingchimes · 28/08/2024 22:39

It's hard when they leave home and an adjustment, but it's not grief. You'll still get to see them and hear from them regularly. They haven't died. Then you'd have grief.

KimberleyClark · 28/08/2024 22:42

Just be grateful you had a full nest. Some people never get that.

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