why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

That you feel when you child goes to university?

I have been struggling with it for months, but it doesn't seem to be acknowledged.

I understand that some people are happy for their DC to leave home, but there are so many of us that feel deep sadness about it.

I wish I had known all of this in advance, that I was going to feel all of this

Our ds went to uni last September, only child.
DH and I booked a week away for October half term and planned other things to do that we could have done whilst he was at home but didn't.
We also visited him in the middle of terms to break it up a bit.
It's hard but you really do get used to it and you cherish the times they come home.
Good luck xx

Does anyone else remember Eskimo Day, the BBC drama/comedy/film? Jack Rosenthal nailed it as only he could.

My colleagues child is going soon. How best do I support her (mum not daughter) ?

Bless you @FunnysInLaJardin It will get better I promise. You do feel sad and blue for a while. Took me from the September my DC left - to Easter - for me to not feel blue and low at the thought of my DC not being here, but another 2 or 3 terms before I sort of got used to it more and didn't feel too bad. You'll get there I promise! 🤗

I felt enormous pride that my third son was off to uni. I brought three up as a single parent and I had successfully instilled in them how important education is. No grief here.

The saddest thing ever was dc4 sobbing aged 8 all the way back from Bristol to Kent because we'd just dropped dd1 off. Now youngest dd is 20 and headed off for her third year at the other end of the country.

I remember how important it was for me to head off to university for my own independence. Seems there's always someone at home these days even though they are 30, 28, 27 and 20 and two are home owners!!

Next week I've rented a big place in France and three of the four are able to make their way down there with their partners. Won't be the same without ds but he and his gf would definitely be there if time/other people's weddings allowed.

It evolves. Stick with it and you'll have lots of fun - different fun but good fun.

It never ends my 24yo just went travelling for 3 months. Walking away from the airport I felt the same knot in my stomach as I did leaving him at nursery.

DS1 is off to uni next month. I'll miss him but I have two younger ones still at home to keep me busy!

I drop DD off on the 28th and start my new job on the 30th. I'm hoping this will plug the gap. I can't stop looking at her as I can't believe I won't see her every day.

I feel like Im weird in that I don’t feel this way. I’m stunned at the outpourings on WIWIKAU- and really can’t relate. Parenting teenagers- even easy, lovely teenagers- is hard work. As long as dd is mostly happy, I think I’ll be mostly happy (and very proud of her) too. But I can’t wait for some alone time, a tidy house, no late night cooking/loud phone calls/voice notes, the everything showers, the dramas. I feel I always have to give the caveat that I love her to pieces, but it’s absolutely right that teenagers move out and go to uni/find their path in life.

This is why I love mumsnet - there are excellent mums on here, like on this thread. It is such a pleasure to read it after a thread with some individuals moaning about not being bothered to cook for their children, having charged them for it on a monthly basis, or posts from mums who want to push their mentally ill sons out of the house because their 'partner' prefers it.

I totally understand how you feel - but be happy they were accepted to read the subject they want and look forward to their coming home for holidays! And oh boy, will they appreciate your cooking, your care, your presence all the more for it! Your time with them during their uni hols will be doubly special for you! And they will have so much to tell you when they come home!

I voted YABU, only because I don’t think it’s a secret. I went to University 20 years ago and DM was devastated; took her a long time to get over it and said it was like a bereavement. MIL is a bit tougher, but she said she’d start crying when she went round the supermarket and saw food DH liked to eat.

My DS is 5 and I’m dreading it. I miss him whenever we’re apart already. But, we have to be grateful. Grateful to have NT children who can go and do such things, and grateful if our DC safely make it to adulthood to have these experiences.

Best to keep yourself busy, keep working and get a puppy.

Why criticise people for expressing love and feeling sad at things changing? Sounds like you are very bitter.

Pay no attention! As if having interests and loving children are mutually exclusive! Some people will never get it, that some parents love their children more than they do love theirs, if they love them at all. Pay no attention. And yes, of course the silliest story my dc tell me is a zillion times more important than any of my hobbies/interests.

There are a few threads on here expressing similar sentiments including one of primary aged children thinking about this ahead of time. I'm very aware that with motherhood comes loss in different forms and my life experiences have taught me to focus on the present as much as possible but I do also have an eye on the future.

One thing I hadn't appreciated until I had my babies is just how the idea of not being with them every day hits people differently. My own mum was incredibly sad when I left for university but didn't show it inappropriately. I only found out about 10 years later when I moved back in unexpectedly and we lived together for another two years. That was such a lovely time, to live together as adult mum and daughter.

So you never know OP.

Please understand you are not experiencing grief. You have not lost your beloved child . you will get to see,hear,touch and smell them. Your child attending uni is not a trauma. Get a grip springs to mind.

You are confusing grief (an emotional reaction to change and loss) and bereavement (mourning a death). Grief is precisely what OP is experiencing.

What a really helpful comment. 🙄⭐️

You really really don't get to tell others what they're feeling.

It's not a real loss, it's a change to be celebrated. OP's child is thriving and moving forward in life. Some of us had to stick our similar aged children into a hole in the ground and will never speak to them again, never see them go off to university, never see them graduate and get married, have children. We can't share good or bad news with them.

There's nothing wrong with some sadness but grief for a living child is misplaced. Be grateful.

I cried a river when they started their first day of school.

It's the spectre of their growing up and forging a life without you at its heart. You know, the very things you bring them up to do.

Motherhood can be brutal.

But then they come home and bring others and a new generation in their wake.

That will be your consolation.

I think it's alright and understandable to have sadness, maybe even strong sadness, but otherwise I totally agree.

I went to uni over 45 years ago and my mum sent me an article from a magazine in which the writer was relating her sadness at her child going to uni. "The empty place at the table and the missing toothbrush in the bathroom." Young people leaving home has never been easy. I missed mine so very much when they went. The way of life (for some strange reason we all think will last for ever !) is altered ,never to be quite the same again. However you get used to the new normal.

What a load of rubbish implying if you're not devastated your children are going to university you don't love them . I just felt incredibly proud when mine went. It was the making of them. And no they didn't come back afterwards they just have fantastic careers and I'm excited for them. I don't secretly hope they'll boomerang back and live with me for years either. Doesn't mean someone falling apart loves their children more than I love mine.

I must be in the minority because I don’t feel it. Older 2 dds have been to uni and now both graduated. I missed them, of course I did, but was happy and excited for them (and also enjoyed having fewer people to cook for!).

Dd3 is 17 and autistic and even though she is high functioning, she’s emotionally quite young. She does have plans to go to university eventually but at the moment I find it hard to imagine. I’ll be singing from the rooftops if and when she goes!

I actually think I’ll feel more grief if she stays at home. I see my job as raising independent adults and I’ll be sad if it doesn’t happen.