why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

That you feel when you child goes to university?

I have been struggling with it for months, but it doesn't seem to be acknowledged.

I understand that some people are happy for their DC to leave home, but there are so many of us that feel deep sadness about it.

I wish I had known all of this in advance, that I was going to feel all of this

Empty nest syndrome is a well known phenomenon, so I find it surprising that it took you by surprise.

My kids are young adults now. In my experience of my friends with kids the same age, the ones who found them going off to university the hardest were those who:

• Had never experienced a devastating bereavement and therefore unimaginable grief (which is a far cry from the sadness of a child leaving home),
• Didn't have any children with special needs who would never get the chance or have the capability of going away to university,
• Didn't have a child who due to the pandemic was forced to spend their entire first year of university online and living at home.

If you're feeling "grief" because your child is going away to university I suggest you remind yourself how lucky you are.

Yes, to all the pride and happiness that they are moving on and happy but yes also to the tears.
And of course many people don't feel sad.

I never let them know that I cried all the way home. When the first one went I had the benefit of one still at home but that only goes so far. It's like when the elder child starts school. You have the young one at home and that lovely one to one time but it's the end of an era.
They come home and then go again.
I found it almost as hard each time the holidays ended.
Then the second one went (2 year gap) and it wasn't any easier.

Eventually it did get easier, then one came home for a year. Then left again. Then the other came home for a year, left, came home again for 6 months and then left. So from the start it was actually 7 years before the nest was finally empty. They come home often, occasionally come on holidays and are an absolute joy.

What I can say now, ten years on from the first one starting uni is that life changes. You get used to being just two again. If I'm brutally honest it's never as good but I had my DC late in life so had 20 years with DP before children.

@CloudywMeatballs It wasn't just students affected. My DC had graduated but had a really difficult time living alone WFH in a strange city.

@Zerro

Oh, I absolutely agree that it wasn't just students who were affected. But as it relates to this post, I didn't get to take my kid to university until a year after they were supposed to go, so when they were finally able to move into dorms in a new city it was a huge relief and reason for celebration rather than sadness.

I think about that sometimes (still a few years away) and I'm already thinking about how to make my life full once DC are not living here. I don't think it will be easy.

But do you not have a full life separate from your kids now?

I think it’s because so many people seem to forget that the goal of parenting is to raise adults who are functional, independent members of society. Them leaving is the whole point. Yes, it’s a big change, but it ought to be a moment of huge pride and excitement, and yes, a little sadness, but really not grief. No one has died.

All DCs through University and out the other side. DC1 married, delightful DIL. DD1 has a new girlfriend. She's been invited to Cape Town for Christmas. I've given her strict instructions to hate it 😊
Uni for 3 years is one thing. Emigration is quite another. I feel very sad for DSIS whose son has just buggered off to the USA for 5 years
At least she can afford the plane fare.

People don’t talk about because we don’t all feel it.

I worried dropping dd off and I cried, when we drove off and I missed her. But I didn’t feel grief.

I felt grief when my mum died 9 months before she went. Dd going to university wasn’t the same.

I love having her at home. If I had to chose who I wanted to spend time with or do something with it would be dd and ds. They are my favourite people. Even over my dp.

I didn’t feel grief. I felt pride and excitement, for her. Worried and I missed her. But I am so happy she is having this experience. She is flourishing. Just about to start year 3 and so excited as her and her friends have a house this year. I am excited for her. But there’s no grief.

I am sorry you are struggling so much though.

Well no it's not natural. Tribes don't separate when they turn 18 and go and move far away for extended periods.

Lots of people do talk about it. My first is going in 3 weeks and I can't think about it. I absolutely hate the thought of him not being here

@Modestee

I had the same, then husband left! All was fine I will report, but quiet at first

It's not grief, you might miss them and be sad but not grief it's the wrong word. Most people are happy for their dc

It's not for you or anyone else to correct how posters describe their feelings.

This too
I miss my adult children so much it feels like grief | Life and style | The Guardian

I'm sorry that you are sad but yes it is natural. All creatures on this earth have young who grow and fly the nest.

My children's growth and happiness, becoming adults and having families of their own if they wish, will be my greatest joy, overriding the sadness of them leaving home.

I disagree that it is natural for humans.

I disagree that it is natural for humans.

You disagree that it's natural that humans raise their children and then they make their own independent lives?

I don't think people mean that you shouldn't see them or hear from them again.

I've always enjoyed the 'next stage' of my children growing up. I remember when they started school absolutely loving hearing the things they had been doing without me.

It was just so interesting hearing what they chose to do and who they chose to spend their time with without my influence. One of mine got into a hobby when they had an incursion in reception and it's something I would never in a million years think of her getting involved in (it's shot put) and she still does it now at eighteen. Thirteen years later.

So for me, I have enjoyed them enjoying things.

Which tribes?

As mentioned WIWIKAU on FB it's full of the same thing : how devastated mums are at their kids going away to uni.
I cannot relate to this feeling myself, as even though my daughter is going in a month, I see it as her growing ever more to who she will become. She is in turns nervous and excited. For me, I am happy in my own company and when she was away for a month on work experience abroad I found I didn't miss her as much as I expected (I'm a widow, she's my youngest and we spend a lot of time together). Of course I will miss her, and I'm sure it will on occasion be lonely on my own in the house. But she'll be back in just over ten weeks! It won't ever be the same again, but that's something to be celebrated, not mourned.
I also want her not to miss me too much - yes her home and her pets, but for a while she considered going to a local uni and living at home and I thought that would hold her back, be too comfortable. She will mature and grow quicker if she is challenged.
Our job is to prepare them for the wider world, not keep them wrapped up in a security blanket, as painful as it may be as they make mistakes, get scared, make bad choices, it's their life to do that and also experience the highs too.
Grieve for your past life of being a full on mum, but celebrate the new individual your child has become. You may feel like you are missing part of your heart, but your aren't - it's just flourishing somewhere else.

If this is the most painful thing you've ever experienced, then you are very lucky indeed and I hope you are counting your blessings that you've never been through a worse experience.

If you're trying to say I live for my kids and have no life, you're wasting your time. I have a social life and lots of interests. But living alone is very different from living with two amazing people with whom I have great conversations and learn a lot. So, once they leave home, I'll be living alone, and will have to make changes in my life.

You'll have to read some books, I'm not going to educate you.

DS will go off to uni next summer all being well. I have a very full life (and younger DD) but I do feel really really sad about it. I also want to plan so that we live near each other in the future, plenty of cultures don't have such a stark 'kids growing up means kids being far away' assumption. Like I would want to retire fairly near at least one of the kids and would want to be an active grandmother if they have kids. It may be natural them growing up, but it is sad!

Not really sure how to respond to this other than to say that we all experience things differently.

I've had 2 go to uni. 1 is back home after suffering violence beyond belief. I am glad every day that they are alive. Our lives have changed beyond all recognition but to call it grief would feel insulting to those who have lost a child. We still have the option of hope for the future.

One of the things that hurts the most is still being needed by a child now in their 20s. I can't imagine wanting for anything more than them being well enough to move back away and them not being the focus of my daily life.