why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

That you feel when you child goes to university?

I have been struggling with it for months, but it doesn't seem to be acknowledged.

I understand that some people are happy for their DC to leave home, but there are so many of us that feel deep sadness about it.

I wish I had known all of this in advance, that I was going to feel all of this

I disagree, pp's berating user147. Sometimes we all need to be told to 'get a grip'.

"It's the most painful thing I've ever experienced. It's not natural to be apart from our children."

I completely disagree. We are just a carrier, a protector, a vehicle. Our job is to produce confident well rounded humans who then go off to have their own adventures.

Haven’t read all the messages so apologies if someone’s already added this, but thought I’d post this from the weekend’s Observer from Philippa Perry IMO she’s THE best agony aunt. I put it on the WIWIKAU Facebook page too which one PP rightly noted is full of anxious parents (mostly mums) atm
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/25/i-miss-my-adult-children-so-much-it-feels-like-grief?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

I don't think k I'd better look at that page you mention as might drive me mad.

I've never had the "grief" either. 2 of mine grown up and married with jobs and families if their own and youngest about to start 3rd year at uni with plans to move abroad after graduation.

I can't see why would feel grief at successfully raising I ndependent adults but each to their own

Mine live 300 miles away! Should we all be living next door to each other??

It's really hard. Luckily for me, I had an accidental baby when my elder two were 10 and 8, so I have cunningly avoided the sadness of an empty nest for a good few years!

What would you have done if you knew in advance? Stop your child leaving home until you die?
I think this is 'unacknowledged' because most people miss their children when they leave home, but not at a 'grief' level. Who would you want to acknowledge it, and what should be done once it is acknowledged?

Brilliant attitude!
Well done you for getting your 3 to adulthood by yourself, it's not easy. !

It's hard and sad but it's definitely natural and the normal course.

My dd is autistic so I hope she gets her independence when she feels ready. It's not yet tho

Ds May go off. I'll
Miss him but it's the way it should
Be.

Animals reject there offspring as soon as they can in nature to make them
Learn.

Human are unatural if you ask
Me.

I felt a bit sad when DS went to uni, but largely is as excited for him. He starts year 3 soon and heads back next weekend and I can’t believe how fast it’s gone. In the Facebook group I’ve seen some mothers compare it to grief which I think is OTT. You haven’t lost your child, they are just moving on with adult life as they should do. My youngest goes in 2yrs and I’ve got plans to relocate back up north, and I am looking forward to that. I know they will always come home, and it’s the natural order of life. My life is very busy, I’ve been able to throw myself more into my career since my kids grew up and have interests and hobbies for myself. I only see that as a good thing. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss my kids, as I do. I left home at 18 and so did my brother.

If you go to the Parents With Adult Children forum, this is discussed there.

Being a second gen immigrant myself, all I will say is: its hard, but your kids may emigrate.

If you go to the Parents With Adult Children forum, this is discussed there.

Being a second gen immigrant myself, all I will say is: its hard, but your kids may emigrate.

Sorry double post!

Yes, that's my point...

They tagged their friend who has lost their own child? Wow, talk about tone death. That’s one of the most insensitive things I’ve ever read. I didn’t see that thread but I agree about the use of the word grief, it’s completely inappropriate. I see it a lot on the WIWIKAU group, and find it completely insensitive to anyone who has lost a child. How can anyone even begin to think it’s compatible?

I think the infantilisation and projection of parents’ feelings onto young adults is worrying. It is really important to change from an adult/child relationship to an adult/adult one gradually but surely. I really look forward to (hopefully) sending my children off to independently study at university.

I think you have to prepare yourself positively for it.

And I don’t want them back after uni. I will help them rent or buy somewhere.

I hope that we will be friends as adults and I can enjoy their company as a trusted advisor and equal. I cannot imagine a 21 year old either asking ‘Dad, what’s for dinner’ or effectively living in a house share where we negotiate who has rights to the kitchen at what times.

I thought I was going to be a wreak but I was totally fine.

She was enjoying herself quite quickly which must have helped. I was surprised that I didn't miss her.

I felt more sorry for my other dd who was left behind. Things felt really different at home for her I think .

Yes it is a bereavement - you’re grieving your old life when the house was full of noise and mess ( yes I missed moaning about his untidy room )
your child ’ is going off into the big wide world. I was proud of course, so proud, but I didn’t want him to go as he was my youngest and I knew that was it - once he went it would be just me & dh. It’s the quietness that’s the hardest.

But….we got used to it, & after a while ( probably took about 2 years I must admit ) we liked our new quiet life. We started to do things we hadn’t done before, so it kind of opened up a new life for me which I really started to enjoy.

He’s back from university now & living with us full-time ( found a job local to us and can’t afford to rent on his own ) and despite all the pain of him leaving and missing him so much, I now miss my quiet life with just me & dh. I’d never let on of course, & he can stay here for as long as he likes, but you get used to your new life and realize it’s actually okay.

So op, please know that your life will still be great, it will just be a different great.

Philippa Perry wrote about this last weekend.

I have several children and have a few years yet until the last one leaves home completely, but I felt utterly bereft when my dd went to university. She was such a big part of my life at home. She's graduated now and is back,, but just for a few months. I'm taking my next dd to university next month and will miss her dreadfully too. I do sometimes feel very nostalgic for all the years when they were young (and I was young too).

I also feel sad because I will be completely on my own when they all leave as I'm a single parent. So not much looking forward to that.

People do talk about Empty Nest Syndrome though, op. Mine are still young, but I totally understand how it must feel. Our eldest (13) stayed in France with my sister for over a week while we travelled home. It felt unnatural leaving him hundreds of miles away, with no way of reaching him quickly if there was a problem. I acted all fine and happy for him and, in truth I was (not many kids get to stay abroad for a month!) but I cried as I left. I didn't let him see, he's been away before of course, but the distance was far bigger than I'd been used to.

First you give them roots, then you give them wings, as my mum says. It's a lovely saying, and of course we want our children to fly independently, but also perfectly natural to feel this way. You've given the best part of your life to raising them, nurturing them, keeping them safe from harm.

Op, sorry you feel this way. I understand, I’m sad too.

I’ve been feeling anxious and sad about it. There have been many tears here too.

I’m sad, I’m excited for DC, but there is also a bit of me that thinks, hmm………my life is changing but that is not necessarily a bad thing. For example, I love my DC to bits, but bloody hell, they are a lot of work. I’m exhausted working and doing all the household stuff. I might have less work to do.

Also, I get sad, but it’s also massively hypocritical of me. I moved 300 miles to Uni, and then I lived outside the UK for 20 years. That said, I didn’t have the nice family set up my DC have, and I left to escape.

I see this time as a gap where they go off and do their own thing. Take this time to nurture yourself. There are lots of things to look forward to with our DC as adults.

I had one leave home, the other went to uni, I had to sell our family home of 20yrs and move to a new area where I didn't know a soul. All at the same time.

That was tough.

I didn't feel it at all. I was just proud that I had raised a young man who was ready to move on. I did visit him once a month so maybe that helped

DD16 (an only) is off on Sunday to live in at college four hours drive away, so I'll be interested in whether I feel "grief" or not. At the moment I am looking forward to the freedom and reduction in domestic chores.

My job is full on and I'm studying part time for a masters so I don't have a lot of time to be maudlin.

I did feel grief but now that DD has graduated and faces the prospect of never being able to afford to move out, I have moved on to feeling grief about that!