why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

That you feel when you child goes to university?

I have been struggling with it for months, but it doesn't seem to be acknowledged.

I understand that some people are happy for their DC to leave home, but there are so many of us that feel deep sadness about it.

I wish I had known all of this in advance, that I was going to feel all of this

Thank you @FunnysInLaJardin! Half the posts have been deleted now by MNHQ but it really was quite something. Thank goodness Becky Mumsnet intervened.

I think I'm feeling a bit better. I haven't cried today! But the physical ache and anxiety that goes with it are the hardest.

I'm not going back to post on that thread, even though it is still active. I'll stay here, and send hugs to all other mums coming to term with this. x

Just part of being a parent.
Same as starting nursery /school
Then high school etc, nobody stays young forever.
Not even us.
Then it's possible marriage, babies etc. Never ends.

@MovingonupScotland , i seen your thread and have to say, people were real arseholes to you on it. It was clear what you meant. I always think when people are feeling unhappy/bitter etc they post mean things. They want others to be unhappy too. And of course a LOT if posters on mn now aren't genuine..
Im glad MNHQ stepped in for you.

It absolutely is. But the pain of this stage hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew it was going to be emotional but this took be out like a scrum half!

@taxguru yes I think you are absolutely right. I live in Germany and everything is definitely more split between different places so the range of graduate jobs is high everywhere except very rural areas. However DC raring to study in the UK and I think would more likely end up working there. Might have to relocate back then when I retire but worried about NHS etc, not that the German system is that wonderful, the system of doctors is comparable but I think hospital and elder care is a bit better here.

Glad you sound like you're doing better op. It is a definite new stage in your relationship with your child but it honestly is a good one in lots of ways. You'd want them to be independent, to be able to live away from family support, to make their own way etc. but also i hope to contact you regularly whether for advice, for a bit of a laugh, for news from home etc. You can be happy they are learning so much about being an adult, and also having your support at end of phone. You know this is good for them!

It definitely is v hard cos obviously you miss them hugely but you don't raise them to never leave home, you raise them to be independent adults,who also may very well end up coming back home as they reach various career goals, want to save money etc. best wishes

Hope everyone is feeling a bit better - have a good weekend!

www.unitegroup.com/articles/9-10-parents-experienced-grief-after-kids-left-for-university-this-year-05-october-2021

Interesting.

Good article @MovingonupScotland

Of course its normal to feel bereft when your kid moves out

Ime you get used to it. I didn’t experience grief as such, but a sort of sadness mixed with pride that he’d made it and seemed able to cope. It was always lovely having him home in the vacs and Christmas is the first one so extra special.

OP, I’d think about what you might do as a family at Christmas - plan something to look forward to, whether it’s an event or a great meal at home. My DM always cooked one of my favourites on my first night home.

Would it help to think that it's a good thing they are growing up and doing what they want to do.

I have a child and cherish their childhood and I'm sure I'll be very sad when they leave home but I lost my first child so I have a different perspective.

I hope it gets easier.

Makes me wonder, almost 60 years after the event, how my parents felt when I went off to College and my brother went away to start his apprenticeship on the same day leaving just the two of them. Nothing was ever said, one didn't in those days.

Mmm feeling like a bad parent cos TBH I couldn’t wait for mine to bugger off and now I get annoyed if they’re back for too long! 🤣
Love them both dearly but they were brought up to be independent and self-sufficient. It might be an empty nest but it’s a bloody cleaner one that’s for sure! 😃

I’ve just stumbled upon this thread and so glad I did, I now don’t feel half as bad. Mine has gone off to uni for the first time and I just feel lost but also incredibly proud. She’s struggled all the way though school with Dyslexia, and it was always implied that although she worked so hard she’d never quite get there, so when she smashed college and got into uni to follow her dream job it really was such a great accomplishment. I have never been so full of pride, the lead up was exciting buying bits and bobs for her, now she’s gone my house is so empty and I guess I feel redundant as a parent, I’m not mum’s taxi service or head chef. I like others have had great loss, I lost my dad at a young age then my mum, I have no grandparents or extended family so understand grief. ‘Living grief’ is exactly the term I would also use, I am sad for myself but so happy for her following her dreams, making friends and I life for herself. I know in time this incredible sadness will ease but when the emotion rushes over you it is overwhelming. I for one totally empathise with how this feels and I’m glad I’m not alone. Thank you OP

5 weeks in - how is everyone doing?

Redundant and invisible are excellent words to describe the pain (for me anyhow).

Recently DD had to undertake a 16 hour drive starting on a Friday afternoon. Presumably work colleagues told her to head for a popular coastal spot at the 8 hour point, however the route advised is generally problematic as the city dwellers head to their weekenders etc and we advised a different end destination and route (DH having been a heavy duty lorry driver over the years) but was told she would be robbed if she went that way ! 🤔 WTF.

Sure enough on her route she was turned around and re-directed elsewhere for the night. While Saturday was a much better time to be driving, we couldn’t help feel if we had made that suggestion, it too would have been poo-poo’d….

add to that we just had her elderly dog PTS last week. She hasn’t asked if he was ok. (Nor if we were).

we are thinking seriously about selling up everything and going travelling.