why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

That you feel when you child goes to university?

I have been struggling with it for months, but it doesn't seem to be acknowledged.

I understand that some people are happy for their DC to leave home, but there are so many of us that feel deep sadness about it.

I wish I had known all of this in advance, that I was going to feel all of this

That's sad that you were made to feel that way.
Your children are lucky to have a mother like you that loves them so much and one that won't make them feel as you were made to feel.

I think a lot of the fragmentation of families is due to the UK having its main decent jobs concentrated in a few big cities and there often being no graduate level jobs, or sometimes even no universities, within commuting distance, also not helped by poor public transport. A graduate from Cumbria going into actuarial profession can’t live at home and commute, they have to move to York, Manchester, Leeds, London, Bristol or Edinburgh. There are simply no actuarial offices of big banks, insurers nor accountants in Cumbria anymore - they were taken over and relocated to London!

Most other countries seem to spread their industries over a wider part of the country.

its what whole regions of the uk are struggling and left with low wages retail or tourism if you’re not going to be a teacher or health care worker which are the only graduate jobs in some areas unless you want to work in tiny professional offices with limited potential.

Just dropped off DD. No sign of grief yet. Planning to have fishcakes for tea (DD hates fish) 😬

Grief is defined as feelings of intense sadness and emptiness following great loss. Surely the loss of the continuous presence in the family home of a DC can evoke feelings of grief. Certainly I've always thought of homesickness as a kind of grief for home, family and familiarity.

Yes, people feel sad when their children leave home. If it is the first grief you have had think yourself lucky.

It might evoke feelings of grief but the child presumably will occasionally return home. There's no return when a child is dead.

I have been thinking about this thread and the divisions that using the term grief has caused.

I lost 2 children to late miscarriage and have lost both of my parents, I know how grief feels.

And yes this feels just like grief. Real raw, can’t do anything about it, grief

@FunnysInLaJardin There's been alot of posts so I don't know if your saw mine.

I've had alot of bereavement including my late mom and unexpectedly my late husband.

Regarding children leaving home and the like the term I use is "living grief"

The emotions can be as raw and horrible. All of mine are left home now. I've had many other things happen that I would class in the same away as "living grief"

I just find it makes others and I more comfortable. TGC

How are you getting on now OP? I am so sorry to hear of all your losses.

Exactly, beautifully described. It is the natural order of things but there is grief nontheless

I'm fine thank you, he left a week ago and it is OK, but from time to time I miss him awfully.

It still feels like grief, but its not as awful as before

In 'Emma' the heroine's father, Mr Wodehouse, treats every marriage as a death. He refers to his married DD as 'poor Isabella', and says of the newly married Miss Trent (now Mrs Weston) as she leaves with her new husband on her wedding day, that it was clear she did not want to leave and go to her married home - whereas the reality was she was desperate to get away and get to bed and have sex and begin a life as mistress of her own home, rather than being governess/companion to Emma. Just an analogy.

@Grammarnut I can't help but wondering if subliminally this influences Emma's choice of marrying her dad's best mate who lives just across the grounds so to speak - imagine how upset Mr Wodehouse would have been if she'd had to travel away!

I am pleased to hear that. Sometimes the bit beforehand can almost be worse. Just remember that when you feel emotional🤗 it’s only natural to feel that way and a reminder to give yourself some extra kindness and consider what will help you feel better. When my eldest left I had a teary few days but gradually it turned into arranging lunch dates when I visited and part of the normal again.

It's good to read this thread because you're often made to feel you're BU to feel this way. You know all the theory - be proud of their success and independence etc etc but somehow it never helps despite almost daily contact.

Mine are all mid 20s now, nearest is 200 miles away, the other two working abroad. I feel the most profound emptiness and grief every day. When I'm with them I feel like I will burst with joy.

The more I think about it the more it crystallises for me. We just weren't meant to be apart from our children. Our whole lives, in almost every civilization before we invented the motor car, the majority of people lived within walking distance, push bike or a ride away from their adult children. It was only really adult son's who took up mobile professions such as knights, merchants etc in the middle ages that extensively travelled.

Mine are at uni but I think that at least one will work abroad. I would encourage and support them. But goodness, it will be so so hard.

Oh my word - so glad to be pointed towards this thread. I posted last night in HE forum and it was a bit of a pile on tbh. Thank you for understanding.

I well remember my DS going .house felt twice the size and not in a good way! He has Done so well though. He came back home for a few years. It does ger better though.the weekends we're good when he came home , and ones we ywouldt stay at the Holiday Inn and explore a new town with him

You're not alone. I can't understand it but something about these feelings in people who don't have them provokes a threatened response so they attack. They need to minimise how you feel in order to feel OK about not feeling the same.

I agree. Austen also makes clear that Mr Woodhouse is behaving both illogically and cruelly. He is finally persuaded to agree to the marriage because chicken houses are being broken into - having Mr Knightly on call as Emma's husband will make them all feel much safer. Beautiful irony that in some ways hides the anti-life attitude of Emma's father.

Yes. My son is off again for a Masters. But as we live within commuting distance of London I imagine he'll be back home again when it comes to working after university.

I totally agree, it’s been so lovely to have people understand and relate to this feeling. We can question ourselves and our emotions, yet it’s completely natural to have such a strong response having spent years loving them and seeing them grow into the people they are today.

Wow @MovingonupScotland , I've just read your thread and the reaction you got was awful, I am so sorry.

Rather glad I posted this in AIBU now, and I never thought I would say that!

My DS has been away now for 2 weeks and it is getting easier I think. The build up was the worst.

I hope you are OK and that things get easier for you too ❤