why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

That you feel when you child goes to university?

I have been struggling with it for months, but it doesn't seem to be acknowledged.

I understand that some people are happy for their DC to leave home, but there are so many of us that feel deep sadness about it.

I wish I had known all of this in advance, that I was going to feel all of this

It will ease off, I promise. The first 3 or 4 weeks are the worst and then the new rhythms of life settle in and it's okay again

This is what I’m hoping. I’m sure I’ll be sad, but I really hope I wake up one day and feel like I’ve got a bit of my life back. They are high maintenance!!!!

I’ve got one still at home and TBH I’ve got some catching up to do. They’ve had little attention as the eldest hoovers it all up.

When my son left over 10 years ago it's was definitely regarded as weird not to suffer "empty nest syndrome".

I thought I'd be fine but then you suddenly realise those casual chats whilst watching rubbish TV have gone.

FFS, just because I didn't feel grief when DS went to uni doesn't mean I love him less than someone who cried buckets.

I joined the WIWIKWIWTU page when DS was off to uni and had to remove myself pretty quickly once the competitive grief and drama posts started flooding in in September. Performative grief is horrible.

I was pleased and proud when DS went to uni. Yes, we missed him but I certainly didn't feel grief.

I don’t think this is true. I have loads on interests and I have hobbies and things I go out and do. ,but my kids are still my absolute favorite people in the world, and my absolute favorite people to spend time with. . They are nowhere near leaving home age, but I know I will feel real and terrible grief when they do.

I'm still waiting for an empty nest. My 24yo is still firmly at home! (Renting elsewhere is too expensive)

But when the three at home do leave I'm sure it'll be very strange and lonely to begin with.

i agree. I thought young adults becoming independent is what most parents aspire to. My DC both left home around the same time, many years ago, one to uni, one to work abroad. Of course I missed them, but I was also incredibly proud of their independence, and interested in their new lives. They have had great experiences, and now one is about to see their oldest off to university.

I know it will leave a void, but the focus should be on the child and their future, it’s unrealistic to expect them always to be with you.

I’m sure empty nest syndrome is widely known and when my brother and I left home at the same time, 30 years ago, my mum was bereft!

certainly some parents are more sad about endings than others and I have no idea yet as dc are 10 and 12. Sometimes I can’t wait for the freedom, other times I feel horrified at the prospect!

I like to think if you have lots going on in your own life and you have a good relationship with your kids so they keep in touch, it will be fine once you adjust. I moved around a lot when I was younger and lived abroad several times and I would want my dc to move away and develop independence.

When mine went, I was sad for a while but quickly got used to it. They were good at keeping in touch and we're at universities near enough to pop home for the occasional weekend. We also visited sometimes, saying in the city, taking them and a friend or two for a meal but not intruding. We were still needed for logistical help and to discuss any problems. Over ten years down the line all our lives have moved on, we are close and see each other enough, but are also busy with our own lives and partners. Each child met their partner at University, I feel our family grew rather than shrunk.

I remember a mum I knew from toddler group. She had had a hectic few days getting her triplets to three different universities for the first time. She got home and sobbed her heart out. Then got out some photos of them in SCBU, all hooked up to monitors, weighing only a very few pounds each. Not all were expected to survive. She said she then felt immense gratitude that all three had thrived so well which helped with the grief.

I cried the whole way home after dropping mine in Leeds.

Soon picked up once she was happy and settled. It's definitely a period of adjustment for lots of us, I don't think being bitchy about it is very nice but lots of people aren't very nice so no shocks there.

@Mrsdyna, just to gain a bit of perspective, my friend's DC is currently missing out on uni (they had a place) due to an aggressive cancer. How she wishes her DC was away enjoying university, instead of having cycles of chemo.

On another note, I also think the word 'grief' is a bit hyperbolic here, and sad for parents whose children will never get these opportunities. Of course, you're allowed to miss your kids, but having a sense of perspective is also not a bad thing.

DS1 is going back to uni for his second year shortly, and I’m actually going to find it harder than when he first went. Last year the summer was quite stressful, waiting for exam results, then trying to sort out accommodation and so on - the stress took over from the sadness. This summer, however, has been nice and chilled, and I’m going to miss him not being around.

This morning I got one of those Facebook memory things - DS1 on his first day of secondary school, looking so sweet in his too-big school blazer. That made me a bit tearful.

It’s funny - I used to think how lovely it would be when DP and I could go on holiday without the kids, go to adult places, wander around interesting cities without having to fit in water parks and such like. DS2 is in his GCSE year, so those adult holidays are not far off. But now they don’t seem so much fun any more, and I know that when we do have a “couple holiday”, I’ll just wish the kids were there!

I go on solo trios and miss no one. Try it, ladies.

Trips not trios.

Who were you expecting to tell you?

I don't have kids but know it's pretty common for parents to feel some form of grief when their kids fly the nest.

I don't think anyone told me, it's just obvious from living life, talking to people, watching TV, reading books, being on MN or whatever isn't it?

@MumblesParty you honestly won't. It will be blissful!

I was fine initially especially as it was touch and go if she'd get the place - but felt sad/sorrow latter think grief is the wrong word.

She not been great at staying in touch or heading back - been some stirring from IL behind scenes and GF to visits as well -so more hurt than sad at times worried she'd been unhappy - now think she just assume we'd be there when she wanted and bit anxious about our reactions to tattoo and medication she on neither of which we've reacted to much.

But she's been happy and nice to see her over the summer - and it easier to wave her off very soon. It's a bit harder as next two won't be long before they head off. No idea if any will be back or all afterwards.

I do think it's a big adjustment even if like IL who were always very busy with work and social lives - Mil really struggle when he first went off despite being in same house and not seeing him for days on end for years - DH and her both say that - FIL was hit when he started his first job and moved out properly he had to disappear off to compose himself.

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences.

I think what surprised me was that the empty nest thing is almost seen as a joke, that only women who have empty lives suffer from it.

Bit like the menopause which is also seen as a bit of a joke. All you do is get a bit hot, where's the problem with that? When the reality for me at least was awful insomnia and terrible anxiety.

Ah well, you live and learn

I will definitely be sad about not seeing them so often but I think the strongest emotion for me will be pride that they have achieved their dream and excitement for them. I am looking forward to having more time for me and the freedom to make plans without considering whether someone might need a lift. I didn't get upset at any other milestones either though, like first day of school, and have always been excited for their next chapter rather than sad for the last one.

I do think some people get so invested in the minute detail of their DC's lives and decisions that the DC should be responsible for that when they can't it makes them feel even worse. Would be unusual not to feel an element of sadness about it though.

Well put and you're absolutely right.
I love my DD and love that she has such a busy and exciting life. But I miss her and I don't care who knows it and what their opinion is of it.
I'm also Fu**Ing boiling and wake up every day around 4 FFS.

This year, DS is off for his final year and DD is going into year 2; when we pack the cars I always have to hold back the tears but after 4 months of trying to keep enough food in the house 😂, I'm kinda looking forward to it just being me and DH for a few weeks before the Xmas onslaught!

But when DS first went to Uni, both DH and I howled all the way home. It was the beginning of the start to him actually leaving home and being independent. When he finishes next year, he'll be moving out to live with his lovely gf. So yes, the first time they go is really, really tough.

Same when DD went last year. Bawled all the way home because, again, it's the start of them leaving home.

All tied in with meno symptoms = an utterly shit time of it if I'm honest.

And I have plenty of hobbies, work etc to keep me busy so it's nowt to do with not having anything else to do/making the kids my world...

Excellent reply.
It's completely natural to be apart from adult children, otherwise how do those "children" mature and develop?

@FunnysInLaJardin

My DCs are much older than yours and I think you have to put a positive spin on it in your head.
Children are just lent to us, feel proud that you have brought up a child who is excited to take the next step in life towards being independent. That's a huge achievement! It's a gradual loosening of the reliance on you and them making their way in life. They will always be your children. And be thankful that you have a child who is brave enoough to take this step, some aren't.

Having said that, I remember when no.1 child went to Uni and I took her there, and it was a 2 hour (or more) journey home and I sobbed all the way home! What an empty house it was. However, it was nowhere near as bad with DC2 going to Uni because I knew what to expect.

Also have to add, both my DCs (mid 30s) have such strong friendships from Uni that is worth so so much and they flit in and out of our lives at times too!
It's such a wonderful experience for your child, focus on that if you can!

Well I don't think it's been kept a secret, people have been talking about empty nest syndrome for years.

I don't think people realise how bad it can be until they go through it themselves though.

What? At 18 of course it is. What isn’t natural for 20 and 30 somethings to still be living at home. Many of them have to for financial reasons but it’s not ideal.

I’m dreading it! My autistic dd heads off soon. It’s not far from home, but she has been very sheltered due to living rurally.
She suddenly decided she wanted to go for it after thinking about a gap year and has been researching everything including how to get from classes to her accommodation, etc She says she is excited about becoming more independent in life.
My biggest fear for her is loneliness as she is socially anxious. She’s going to be in a mixed flat. I just hope she can make a friend. We are not too far at all if she needs us; I just need to stop imagining scenarios!