why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

That you feel when you child goes to university?

I have been struggling with it for months, but it doesn't seem to be acknowledged.

I understand that some people are happy for their DC to leave home, but there are so many of us that feel deep sadness about it.

I wish I had known all of this in advance, that I was going to feel all of this

What an ignorant and unpleasant post.

@sunseaandsoundingoff · Today 22:27

I think it's the difference between parents who make their kids their whole life and haven't really have any interests outside of them for 18 years, and those who have.

Wow, RUDE! So, parents who are blue - and feel low - when their DC start Uni, are sad because they have fuck-all else in their lives except their children?

Catch yourself on FFS!

@Bibbetybobbity thats exactly how I feel.

Please don’t use the word grief, it’s incredibly insulting to those who have actually lost a loved child.

I understand the sadness but grief is different. Grief is what you feel when your dc dies. It’s a pain like nothing else. There was a thread yesterday about how insensitive it is to use the word.

watching modern family finale I sobbed thinking that will be us as Claire and Phil in the next 10 years… then my dc behaved badly and that eased the pain. We’re making plans for life once the nest empties. It might include new pets and travel.

acknowledged by who?
make a bigger scene
the pride/joy /relief of ds 1 get the uni place he wanted was icredibly different to the reality of drop him off, (still think)blocked off phone(claimed bd reception for first 6 weeks)
grief might be a bit excessive but ...i get your meaning in tht it hit like a brick....all you can do is give it/and your DC time...focus on....this is now.you NEVER stop being mum
my ds1 post grad ...other end of country-we re closer than most i think.calls me or ds 2 (14) on his walk home from work most days.
change is often hard,if its moving as it should be...go with it

I think 'grief' is a huge over dramatisation. I missed my daughter very much when she went to university, but she came home for holidays and an occasional weekend, and we also went to visit her once or twice each term. I was so happy for her thst she was doing exactly what she wanted to do, and that we had brought her up to have the confidence to move 200 miles away and manage her own life.

I understand being sad but crying everyday for weeks seems bizarre to me. Those saying its like grieving someone has never gone through real grief of losing a child or young person. I understand you may feel that way but you shouldn't tell other people that. Like that thread yesterday where someone has posted an instagram video grieving my son going to university and then tagging her friend who actually lost their son! I would have thought parents would want their children to be independent, get on the next stage of their life. Some children can't do that.

Well to answer your question, people didn’t tell you about it because:
a) it’s not grief, it’s sadness and you should be grateful it’s not grief
b) not everyone feels the same way,
c) if they do feel this way they have the ability to rationalise that their DC is happy, independent and fulfilled so it’s a happy sadness
d) being told about something like this beforehand doesn’t change the experience.
e) not everyone wants to go around like a negative Nancy pre warning their friends that they’re about to feel bad. And why would someone else have more insight into your emotions than you do yourself?

My DD told me she’s definitely moving away for University next year. She’d been considering staying at home and going locally (this is quite a popular thing where I live). I jumped for joy. Not for me - I’m going to miss her like crazy and I get a physical pain sometimes when I think about it. But I’m happy for her, this is the right thing for her life and future. And that’s what parenthood is about.

OP I wrote this post almost exactly a year ago. I was really bereft. I'm so close to my children and I found it difficult. I have a great job, social life etc - so unlike the PP suggests, this feeling isn't because you don't have anything else going.

My advice is just to feel the emotions. Everyone says it does get better and it really does. I still feel sad every time they come back and then leave again, but nothing like how I felt dropping them off for their first year.

Sending love.

I thought i'd feel it ..but nope lol. We still have group family time and facetime a lot. I'm more proud of her over coming so many struggles - eating disorder, anxiety etc..i thought she'd not cope - i didn't even think she's finish school. We do the 4 hour trip some weekends to catch up for the weekend or she will come home. Was every weekend, but now much more settled and has bucket loads of school work to do..I thought my DD2 would struggle as they're best friends..but taking her room (the best room in the house) totally made up for it and she's even caught the train to hang with her. I'm loving seeing her so independent.

My DS has finished university now but I was surprised how much he was still here! The Christmas, Easter and Summer breaks are very long. It felt like he was back almost 50% of the time.

Yup - I felt it intensely with my first one and it wasn't as hard with subsequent ones.

Plus by the time the last one left, the first one was back home again 🤣

But it's a very real, specific kind of sadness - and I disagree that it isn't grief. It's the end of that time in your child's life when they lived with you - wonderful for them to be starting this exciting new time but so bittersweet for you. You are allowed to grieve that that time is over.

It will ease off, I promise. The first 3 or 4 weeks are the worst and then the new rhythms of life settle in and it's okay again. By Christmas you will be excited for them to come home and just as excited to see them off again 😉

Bittersweet, yes. Grief, no. I hope you never get to know the true difference. When you have grief over a child it doesn't get better as you adjust to the new stage. It complicates your life forever. You also never get to get excited about them coming home. It's a very different thing.

I starting thinking about my daughter leaving home when she decided she didn't want to hold my hand anymore when we were out. By the time she leaves I think I will have dealt with it. I will still cry

Please don’t use the word grief, it’s incredibly insulting to those who have actually lost a loved child.

Respectfully, it's not up to you to police peoples feelings or words - that is also incredibly insulting.

No one is trying to compare their situation to anyone else, just expressing their own personal experience in the context of their own lives.

Wow. My mum was like here’s your hat what’s your hurry.
I’m the third.
For my brother, the first, she sat in his room and sobbed at this little sign he had that said “keep smiling.”

I think there are different types of grief; obviously they’re not all equal.

Some parents really intensely feel the absence of their child when they fly the nest. And for many it is a loss of sorts - it’s a loss of a family life that might not ever be the same again. It’s the final loss of their childhood. No matter how many of your own interests you cultivate, for some people the pain is very real.

It goes without saying that it’s not comparable to losing a child. Not even a teensy, tiny bit. Not at all. But that doesn’t mean that it’s still not a type of grief.

FWIW, I won’t ever experience this. I have two autistic DC. One has very high needs and will be at home for life. The other, my DD, I don’t know. There’s a very good chance she’ll always be here with me too. Life isn’t easy (understatement of the year!) but weirdly I console myself with the fact that at least I won’t ever have to cope with an empty nest and waving them both off. I can imagine finding that really bloody hard so big hugs and sympathy to anyone struggling to deal with it.

I was the opposite. Delighted they went far away to have fun ! I did exactly the same in the seventies.
Always nice to see them on occasional weekends and holidays but I enjoyed life without them in the house. Still do!
Doesn't mean I'm a shit mother, or love them less than those sobbing in their pillows.

It gets better. I'm not dreading my DD going back for her second term because we've had such a wonderful summer.
I made sure I saw her every five weeks and sent her things in between. We messages quite a bit and spoke at least once a week. It is a shock.

Agree

@HowDidYouGuess thank you, that is pretty much the reply I would have written.
I'm deeply sorry for those who have lost a child here. But there is more than one type of grief and I am capable of recognising my own emotions at my advanced age. As is OP and others who have agreed.

No one is trying to diminish the grief of those who have lost a child. Neither is anyone trying to compare the two. Allow the OP her feelings.

It's the most painful thing I've ever experienced. It's not natural to be apart from our children.

People do talk about it. Quite a lot. In general. Also on mn. 100's of threads about it.

I didn't feel it much, as I was just so pleased for ds1, was proud that I'd fulfilled my role as a mum to get him there, to that point.

I am the same, two autistic adults who didn't go to university and who may never leave home.
It's wonderful having them around, but also a big worry about the future.
It's good to read that there are others out there in a similar situation, as most of my family have children off at uni or working away from home.