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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think im not at fault here!!!!

186 replies

Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 21:20

Long rambling Post to follow!
Long time poster, name change to hide my humiliation!!!
Perimenopausse which doesn't help but I'm on HRT, which helps somewhat.
I'm starting to think DH isn't a very nice man. Or very nice to me should I say. Been together a long time.

Different personalities but always had a good relationship. I suppose I'm a bit highly strong and perhaps talk too much and too much shit. 😅
DH has always been quite easy going and very tolerant of me and very forgiving if i upset him or had a row. (Not that I've done anything bad!!!).
Except now he's not. Over the past few years he's very intolerant of me. Calls me out on everything I do to piss him off.
I've challenged him over this and he said he's not putting up with my shit.

I can accept my faults and offer to change , or we can split if I'm so bad. He denies he's unhappy.
He says he doesn't want me to change the way I am which is confusing. But seems to think its perfectly OK to pull me up on stuff and then just expect me to forget it.

We have 2 teenagers who I have always been very close to. They are good kids.
I feel like I'm being paranoid , as I now think they are taking their dad's side.
We were on holiday last week and mostly had a fab time. One day we were out and one was cheeky to me and I pulled them up. Teen said I was crazy and embarrassing. And some of the stuff they found funny about me is no longer funny. I get that. They are teens.
Same day, we all had a minor spat whilst playing a board game. I said let's leave the game as it getting argumentative. Dh said "your mum is mental ".
I was raging but didn't want a further row do let it go.
I'm looking at my future and thinking what's in store?
Teens won't want to come away with us in a few years and I adore my holidays. I cannot bear to think of me and DH with him snapping at me and speaking to me like I'm a child or modifying my behaviour.

I know he loves me and i I love him. We lots of happy times.
Things have changed though and DC are growing up. We had such happy times when they were little. Not sure what I'm asking here. Maybe if anyone been through similar?
And if anyone had advice about taking teens on holiday please help!!!!,as I'm also starting to feel I'm forcing them to do stuff or go places I Like. They are school age. I give them options and we go to various places, UK and abroad.

OP posts:
IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername · 28/08/2024 22:00

So you've admitted you're highly strung and talk shit, and now he's calling you on it....maybe just try and chill a little. Sit with him and tell him this can't carry on so you want to know what you're doing wrong to avoid people feeling this way about you.

Fancycheese · 28/08/2024 22:04

would couples therapy be an option?

Edingril · 28/08/2024 22:08

All this is from your view point which is obvious of course but how can we say?

Would his point be different?

Sure you will get replies because he is a man to say how perfect you are and how terrible he is but people can't really know

Original poster
Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 22:09

IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername · 28/08/2024 22:00

So you've admitted you're highly strung and talk shit, and now he's calling you on it....maybe just try and chill a little. Sit with him and tell him this can't carry on so you want to know what you're doing wrong to avoid people feeling this way about you.

I think I'm.mostly quite normal and funny !!!And everything I do is for everyone else. But I think he finds me a little bit exhausting. I just think I talk to much, mither a bit, repeat myself.
However I haven't changed i've always been the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 22:10

Fancycheese · 28/08/2024 22:04

would couples therapy be an option?

He would never do that. Especially as he says that he's happy and he thinks he a nice guy!!!!

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 28/08/2024 22:13

Edingril · 28/08/2024 22:08

All this is from your view point which is obvious of course but how can we say?

Would his point be different?

Sure you will get replies because he is a man to say how perfect you are and how terrible he is but people can't really know

This, do you see yourself a 'a big personality' so opinionated, loud, vocal..?

Original poster
Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 22:13

Edingril · 28/08/2024 22:08

All this is from your view point which is obvious of course but how can we say?

Would his point be different?

Sure you will get replies because he is a man to say how perfect you are and how terrible he is but people can't really know

I get this and I'm not saying that ppl should say he's a bad man. Just how do I deal with grumpy ish man who finds me irritating ( but won't admit this).
Sometimes I'm just quiet as I feel I say the wrong thing or I'm 'going on '. Then he calls me out on that- saying I'm behaving unnaturally.
Best to be invisible I think.

OP posts:
IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername · 28/08/2024 22:17

As people get older they tolerate less. I have a friend who is highly strung and talks shit, and talks a hell of a lot. The older I've got the less I've been able to handle her even though she hasn't changed. People tend to start chilling a bit more, and if you're not it's probably noticeable.

Original poster
Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 22:17

@DoreenonTill8
Absolutely not.
I'm.not a big personality. I act daft at home. Think dc always thought I was fun,now they think I'm embarrassing.
Outside of home, friends would thinknim good company and a laugh I guess.

I'm not loud or opinionated. Just chatty and I mither a lot and go over stuff( in a light hearted way). Dh seems to find this irritating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 22:18

IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername · 28/08/2024 22:17

As people get older they tolerate less. I have a friend who is highly strung and talks shit, and talks a hell of a lot. The older I've got the less I've been able to handle her even though she hasn't changed. People tend to start chilling a bit more, and if you're not it's probably noticeable.

True

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2024 22:18

Best to be invisible I think.

Is this the sort of passive aggressive nonsense your husband and kids are finding hard work?

LadyKenya · 28/08/2024 22:18

As the pp has said, maybe his tolerance levels are not what they once were.

thismummydrinksgin · 28/08/2024 22:19

No advice but I find holiday with teens is hard work x

Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 28/08/2024 22:19

Find an alternative allie at home. A dcat or ddog... Leave the misery guts to it. Your dc wil wise up in time. All dm's are embarrassing to teens op.

AutumnFroglets · 28/08/2024 22:22

I said let's leave the game as it getting argumentative. Dh said "your mum is mental ".
What he said is NOT acceptable.

I can accept my faults and offer to change , or we can split if I'm so bad. He denies he's unhappy.
But what about you? You are unhappy but he won't accept marriage counselling so it leaves you in limbo. I think I would call his bluff and say it's time (provided you mean it).

One thing I have recently learnt. It doesn't matter if he is in the wrong or you are, what matters is the relationship is no longer working and at least one of you is unhappy. The relationship will end in resentment and anger and be very toxic to be in. That is not good for either of you. You could always go to counselling by yourself so you can work out what you want and how to achieve it.

DoreenonTill8 · 28/08/2024 22:32

What do.you mean by I act daft at home. Think dc always thought I was fun,now they think I'm embarrassing and I go over stuff is it light hearted or draining to other people?

Original poster
Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 22:32

@Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun
I have both, thanks😀

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 22:33

@AutumnFroglets
This^
And this is what I try to say.
But it's making me miserable!!!!

OP posts:
Holidayhell22 · 28/08/2024 22:38

Op can you do things with other people instead of with dh?
I don’t mean all the time but have nights/days out with friends? Would that help?

ThinWomansBrain · 28/08/2024 22:40

can you afford to separate on a trial basis? leave them all to it for a bit?

Nightowl1234 · 28/08/2024 22:43

Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 22:17

@DoreenonTill8
Absolutely not.
I'm.not a big personality. I act daft at home. Think dc always thought I was fun,now they think I'm embarrassing.
Outside of home, friends would thinknim good company and a laugh I guess.

I'm not loud or opinionated. Just chatty and I mither a lot and go over stuff( in a light hearted way). Dh seems to find this irritating.

Oh I’m so sorry but I can see how annoying this could be for some people. I mean this thread is relatively short and you’ve already repeated yourself and “mithered” a fair bit… And an adult “acting daft” does sound super annoying. Sorry. I can see how that can wear someone down over time. But you are who you are I guess… it’s a bit unfair of him to expect you to change after so long.

WhichEllie · 28/08/2024 22:46

Sorry, I think you’re going to have to provide some specific examples of what you mean and situations where he’s been snappish or pulled you up. I can’t really figure out what it is you’re doing, so maybe he’s just a dick. Do you mean that you act silly/dumb/like a dingbat on purpose to be funny? I could definitely see how that would wear on someone’s nerves eventually.

Original poster
Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 23:06

No I don't act funny to make people laugh.
I have a good sense of humour outside of the house, with friends and at work etc.
At home, probably I mean I'm always singing, calling dc and pets daft names. Everyone kind of plays along!
Dh is more sensible.

I think I go on a bit. Like I will say oh I wish we had gone to X pub for dinner tonight instead of Y as food is better and I mither I've made the wrong choice. In the past, DH would laugh, now he looks exasperated. And tells me to stop going on. I'm.often just thinking out loud.

On holiday, I will ask Dc if they have enjoyed themselves, did all the things they wanted etc. I'm.trying to be kind and accommodate everyone. Now I'm just plain annoying.

Another example is I have a very stressful job and if I come home and rant and discuss with DH, he finds it annoying and tells me to let it go. Making me regret opening up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 23:10

@Holidayhell22
I'm.trying to do this.
I think for years I've been taking DC places I love and they grew to love and enjoy, now they are getting older and don't share the enthusiasm.
Feel like I'm dragging it out too long. Don't thing DH cares if we go away or not and certainly wouldn't suggest it.
Feel like everything is slipping away.
And my future with older dc and disinterested Dh is a bit sad.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 28/08/2024 23:13

It sounds like you express all of your thoughts which can be very exhausting.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, but it kinda sounds like you act immature a lot? You find it cute, but your kids and husband don't.

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