To think im not at fault here!!!!

[Ivenamechangedsomanytimes]

Long rambling Post to follow!
Long time poster, name change to hide my humiliation!!!
Perimenopausse which doesn't help but I'm on HRT, which helps somewhat.
I'm starting to think DH isn't a very nice man. Or very nice to me should I say. Been together a long time.

Different personalities but always had a good relationship. I suppose I'm a bit highly strong and perhaps talk too much and too much shit. 😅
DH has always been quite easy going and very tolerant of me and very forgiving if i upset him or had a row. (Not that I've done anything bad!!!).
Except now he's not. Over the past few years he's very intolerant of me. Calls me out on everything I do to piss him off.
I've challenged him over this and he said he's not putting up with my shit.

I can accept my faults and offer to change , or we can split if I'm so bad. He denies he's unhappy.
He says he doesn't want me to change the way I am which is confusing. But seems to think its perfectly OK to pull me up on stuff and then just expect me to forget it.

We have 2 teenagers who I have always been very close to. They are good kids.
I feel like I'm being paranoid , as I now think they are taking their dad's side.
We were on holiday last week and mostly had a fab time. One day we were out and one was cheeky to me and I pulled them up. Teen said I was crazy and embarrassing. And some of the stuff they found funny about me is no longer funny. I get that. They are teens.
Same day, we all had a minor spat whilst playing a board game. I said let's leave the game as it getting argumentative. Dh said "your mum is mental ".
I was raging but didn't want a further row do let it go.
I'm looking at my future and thinking what's in store?
Teens won't want to come away with us in a few years and I adore my holidays. I cannot bear to think of me and DH with him snapping at me and speaking to me like I'm a child or modifying my behaviour.

I know he loves me and i I love him. We lots of happy times.
Things have changed though and DC are growing up. We had such happy times when they were little. Not sure what I'm asking here. Maybe if anyone been through similar?
And if anyone had advice about taking teens on holiday please help!!!!,as I'm also starting to feel I'm forcing them to do stuff or go places I Like. They are school age. I give them options and we go to various places, UK and abroad.

@Shitlord I think you're being deliberately mean. The OP was purely responding to your questions.

@Ivenamechangedsomanytimes
i feel really sorry for you, you sound unsure of yourself as everything you have done previously which has been fine is now criticised.
I understand the checking everything is ok, everyone is happy etc. I'm an overthinker too. Drop the rope with DH. Go and be your fabulous self with your friends and build your life that way. I think you'll find sooner or later though you will come to a decision point, your DHs traits have become more ingrained, come home, watch TV, don't make an effort to go out etc. you will find him stifling and will want out at some point.

I left my DH for similar reasons. (As well as others). I'd given up being excited about things (and do you know what, I genuinely am excited about visiting places, seeing stuff etc). He became more and more distant. I left. With a 4YO DD. We now have a life I love, holidays I enjoy, friendships that are great fun, and I'm still me. I've had to work on things like overthinking, and not voicing that all the time (and a good counsellor helped with that).

Dont make yourself smaller to fit him. By all means work on some things you need to, but don't break your neck trying to fix it. Leave him to it. And then decide in 6/12 months how that looks for you.

This reply illustrates that it is accurate, a whole reply of something that didn't need to be said

Personality wise, you and your H don’t sound compatible. Your very different personalities, you might have gelled once upon a time but you’ve both got older and less tolerant of your differences. You have used your kids to distract yourself from your relationship and now you are realising your children soon won’t be physically be around to be your distraction.

I really can’t see you and your H lasting if you continue on this path and I can’t imagine your kids falling over themselves to visit when they leave. You might just have outgrown each other.

I originally thought yabu but after reading your posts I don't. I think it could be more likely that you've outgrown each other.
There's nothing wrong with your word count or the way that you post. There's no competition to use the least amount of word here.
I think you've taken criticism on really well, not everyone can do that.
Yes, people do get more annoying the longer you are with them.
My dp really irritates me but I keep a lid on it because it's half him being annoying and half me being irritable. I probably annoy the hell out of him too.
The doubting yourself as other people mentioned could be an anxiety thing. I'm guilty of this. Luckily for the most part my dp will give me a hug and tell me to chill out.
I agree with pp do more stuff for yourself. Go out with people who enjoy your company.

Hope you manage to find something that works for you.

God, there are some proper nasty people on this thread. I hate it when OPs disappear or won't answer questions, or worse of all, when they give obtuse cryptic responses. OP here is engaging and has reflected and taken criticism we'll (and her husband sounds like a dick) and some people have to stick the knife in just because they can.

Clearly you're irritating him. But it's impossible to know whether that's because you've become more irritating or he less tolerant. Your DC could be siding with him because he's right, but equally because he's 'good cop' parent, or the one they most want to curry favour with. You don't really give examples of what he's criticised in order to say who is in the wrong, so its anybodies guess! I would say, he absolutely should not be drawing the DC in to side with him or belittling you by calling you 'mental' and on that alone I'm inclined to think he's at fault.

Having read this I think I have lots of these characteristics too. It's often about taking responsibility for everyone having a good time and being entertained. The worrying thing is that this has always been fine but now it's not. Is there anything that might have triggered this change in attitude from your partner?

It sounds to me like you've grown apart OP. I don't think you actually said how long you've been together, but people do change in all sorts of ways as time goes by. Why do you think that lots of couples go their separate ways when they retire? They've basically done what it sounds like you're doing, ie stuck together for the sake of the kids, and suddenly realise when one, or both retire, that they've actually got nothing left in common. Could this be the case with you, as it seems you no longer really like him, and he doesn't really like you either, plus you say he wouldn't go to any form of counselling, basically because he thinks he's right about everything, as so many men do. So, I think it's time for you to do some deep thinking, maybe take that weekend away you mentioned, but not to actually do anything very much, simply to rest, perhaps walk, and think about what you would like out of life if someone told you you only had 10 years left. Would you want to spend that 10 years with him, or would you think, OMG, I've wasted so much time putting up with doing the things we do because it's become a pattern, (it clearly has with going to the beach every year!), now I need to start living again BEFORE it's too late. In which case, what would YOU want to do?

I’m sorry but it seems like you feel you need to apologise for yourself please don’t do that. He married you as you were he doesn’t get to throw down with your children and call you crazy that’s not on.

i made excuses and apologies for myself for so long, allowed my children to disrespect me like yours and the more I allowed it the more they did it. If there are things about yourself that you need to work on ok work on them but do that for you not for a man who thinks that he can decide to change you years into a marriage. Believe me I twisted myself into all shapes to keep my ex and children happy and I was so unhappy. I then decided I deserved to have boundaries which I now hold, hence the husband now being the ex but actually my relationships with my children are so better.

This is really good advice. Hope you manage to take something positive from this thread.

Just be yourself. Maybe go for counseling if it might be helpful. Perhaps let your children choose your next holiday. How is your husband's health? Has he had a general health check recently Just a thought. Good luck. You're a good person.

This is the same for me. I had to start speaking up and calling him out on things I now find unacceptable.
Maybe this is true for OP'S DH.
The constant mithering - do uou repeat yourself a lot? It can be very wearing for the listener to have to keep reacting to the same thing.
I've had to say to my DP - yes, you have just told me. Or 'what are you going to do?' when there's an issue he keeps ranting about.
The constant noise is exhausting.

Op I want to give u a hug!
I think u have thrown yourself into bringing up the kids and work etc and now they need u less it’s more obvious your dh is a wet drip! Happy to go along being boring as long as nobody rocks the boat. I don’t think he is what u need right now? It sounds like u need someone with a bit more pizazz? Someone that gets excited and wants to explore? Wants to talk about the experience?
u do sound like u have anxiety and some low confidence and that is exasperated by him picking on u at the moment/menopause?

Time to find yourself, work on your confidence and work out who u want to be? Then see if your dh actually fits in?
please don’t alter who u are for him!!
good luck!

OP I think your issue is that you need to be needed and that, conversely, is making you needy. Neediness is not an attractive trait. But you do a job where you give a lot of yourself to other people’s needs, you sound like an amazing mother to young children but your teens perhaps feel a little smothered. Your husband has always been a boring bloke but in the past he appreciated you now he doesn’t. (Your DSIS saying “what did you expect”). It sounds like it’s your husband who needs the antidepressants.
I agree you need to put your needs first. Do the stuff you love and want to do. If family don’t want to do it with you go with friends or relatives and leave the family to their own devices.
You will be much happier when you stop people pleasing and please yourself. When you are happier you will relax. When you are relaxed you will be a joy to be with.
Dont curb your personality. You are enough as you are. But if you concentrate on making yourself happy. (I mean really work on it) everything else will fall into place and you will be able to evaluate you marriage clearly and decide what you want.
Don’t worry too much about the kids. You are their mum. They adore you and always will even if they don’t show it. You’ve invested heavily in their childhoods and happiness and they will realise this in time. Give them a bit of space while you rediscover yourself and this next stage in life. Before you know it there will be grandchildren to help out with and little people who will laugh at your ditties and rhymes.
You say you are dreading it but embrace it. This is time for you. Use it to expend some of that amazing energy you have on getting fit, taking up a new hobby, or learning a new skill or subject. Whatever you want to do. Don’t be afraid to do it alone.
if you are organising something ask family once if they want to come. If they are unresponsive, just do it without them. Don’t worry about being selfish, you are not a selfish person.
My in-laws were a bit like you. My FIL was shy and quiet. My MIL was full of joie de vivre and an extrovert. He lived vicariously through her. She went out and lived her life and came back and told him all about it. Difference was he adored her. They were v happily married for 55 years.
You’ve got this OP. Don’t let this period of change or your DH dim your sparkle ✨

Menopause and teens are not a good mix! Not that this is what's to blame here!

I was a massive over thinker/worrier. I was with someone who was happy for me to do all the organising but didn't show any approval/gratitude so I second guessed my decisions, maybe also hoping for some acknowledgement or a "that was nice" or for him to take the lead now and again. It never came and I always felt like I'd not made the right decision.
I understood that going over my choices must have been frustrating but so was feeling underappreciated and being criticized for double checking bookings etc. I made a conscious decision to be more positive, worry less, told myself that worrying will not change the outcome. It's hard at first but becomes a habit and I felt much better in myself for it. I figured that if no one else wanted to plan things, beyond mentioning my initial plan as to not be controlling and to give people a chance to disapprove or suggest something else, then it had to be like it or lump it. I stopped over worrying and my now ex just found other things to pick at me for! Literally anything. I left him a year ago and haven't looked back.

The menopause is a difficult time for everyone. I was fine until GP said stop hrt and for 18 months I was crazy did terrible things and it was hell. Went back on it and still taking it . Get whatever help suits you and works Be kind to yourself hypnosis good You Tube great and free have a pamper and excercise can help. It is not your fault and is at last recognised as a debilitating problem and not just woman’s problems.

Is that passive aggressive? Or an indication of someone who is feeling very low and who is feeling confused about what she should do/how to manage a situation?

Honestly, if my partner went on about regretting not going to pub x instead of pub I would get irritated. If this was a recurring theme I would not want to go out for a meal with them anymore as they’d be taking all the joy out of the evening for me.
Maybe that makes me an arse, but as I grow older I find I have no patience for complainers (and before you say you’re not a complainer, a tendency to go in that you’d rather have gone to pub x IS complaining in my book). I don’t want to do stuff with someone if I know they’re going to be moaning about it the next day. Especially if that person is my partner.

Coming home and ranting about work is something I also don’t like. I get it if it’s a one off thing (as in once a year/ every couple of years) but it really is NOT nice when your partner has a tendency to spend the first x time after coming home to rant about work. My husband used to do this and it drove me up the wall! I told him I didn’t want to hear about x person anymore and he needed to either do something about the situation or let it go.

I’m sure you’re a really lovely person and you sound like you want everyone to have a great time.but maybe just have a think about the message you’re putting across when you say you’d rather have gone to pub x, or the negative energy when you’re ranting. Those things are tiring for others when it’s regular.

I totally get you,and for all the people critiquing wait till your peri,menopause it sends you bat shit crazy. I used to love driving, now worry about it and that definitely a hormone thing,.
I was exactly like you,but menopause kicked my arse,now have cfs and fibromyalgia, probably because it was me holding it all together like you. Perhaps hubby needs some testosterone too. What your experiencing though is totally normal,teens,moods everyone is changing,it will sort its self out,your right to defend yourself as you've given the best part of yourself up to everyone else ,including husband,and yet you are the positive happy one. I wish I had a friend like you, you sound brilliant and under appreciated.
I would suggest giving him Davina menopause book,but it sounds like he needs it himself. I've been married 30 years,menopause,all boys and still at home,and yes I've wanted to run away as I feel like I've got 3 husbands now,so a girlfriend as barmy me as me would be a godsend.

Im wondering if this is as much of a ‘him’ problem as a ‘you’ problem? You seem to have internalised that there is something wrong with the way you are and yeah maybe there is stuff you could work on. But you are still the you he fell in love with and if it’s just your personality maybe you don’t need to change and he’s just become a grumpy git. I wonder what others would say about you if you asked them honestly how they find you? Other family? Friends? Work colleagues?
Dont worry too much about about the teens. It’s normal for them to find their parents cringey, to want them to be less and find everything they do boring or too embarassing for words

Do you have ADHD? I do and one of my (many) symptoms is verbal diarrhoea! I’m very highly strung, do everything at 1,000,000 miles an hour and do 1000 things at once and I think my family also find it exhausting. Also, the symptoms are heightened and exacerbated during menopause. It’s just a thought, it may be nothing to do with this. I think you just need to be a little bit mindful about the other members of your family as also your husband may be becoming a little less tolerant with age just as we all do, it’s normal. As for your children, they will come back around. Just give them a little more rope and they will be far more receptive. Difficult as I know this is I think it will benefit you all in the long run. I wish you all the best.

OP. Enough. Stop with the self character assassination. None of us is perfect. We all have irritating habits. I’m sure your husband and children have many of their own. You are giving too much weight to your minor irritants. Yes, I guess you could stop repeating yourself a bit. But it really is not that big a deal.

Your teenagers could be more polite and appreciative. Being a teen has never been an excuse for rudeness in our home. Your husband has become intolerant. You have always responsible for all the joy and fun in the family. Deep down they all know that even though it looks like they resent you.

It is up to them, especially your husband to change as well and respect you. Please stop analysing yourself and putting yourself down in these post. None of what you do are major sins at all. If you don’t assert yourself a bit and respect yourself, they won’t either.

You do sound highly strung - you rant about work, you are worried about kids getting older and what lies ahead, you perhaps deal with it by talking a lot and expecting everyone to listen, singing etc. I live with someone like you and it does get exhausting when someone is constantly vocalising every thought, it can make other people feel like they are just a pair of ears. It may have an anxious edge to it as well that is hard to be around and makes people tense. Like you're trying to be light hearted but it's coming off as not quite genuine because actually you're nervous, worried etc.

I would find a therapist to go over this with. You're probably going to get further with them than a husband or teens. And start to find yourself again, yes things are changing but that doesn't mean the future is sad, it means you need to start a new chapter for yourself rather than clinging to the past or hoping things won't change, because they will.

Once you deal with your underlying feelings that are making you possibly a bit intense to be around your kids and DH will probably settle down.

@Ivenamechangedsomanytimes at the end of the day it doesn't matter if you are irritating. EVERYONE IS IRRITATING TO SOMEONE!

You say your sister and friends are similar to you, start to put your energy into arranging fun things with them. It should be more fun because you will have other people matching your enthusiasm.

One of your DC is more like you, plan meals out for the two of you. Meals with just my oldest are such a treat, we both love food and can chat about whatever interests us. Enjoy the connection that you can have with your teens rather than looking at the ways you used to be connected when they were younger.

Personally, I wouldn't give too much though to DH. Sounds like if you need him you will be able to find him in front of the TV.