To think im not at fault here!!!!

[Ivenamechangedsomanytimes]

Long rambling Post to follow!
Long time poster, name change to hide my humiliation!!!
Perimenopausse which doesn't help but I'm on HRT, which helps somewhat.
I'm starting to think DH isn't a very nice man. Or very nice to me should I say. Been together a long time.

Different personalities but always had a good relationship. I suppose I'm a bit highly strong and perhaps talk too much and too much shit. 😅
DH has always been quite easy going and very tolerant of me and very forgiving if i upset him or had a row. (Not that I've done anything bad!!!).
Except now he's not. Over the past few years he's very intolerant of me. Calls me out on everything I do to piss him off.
I've challenged him over this and he said he's not putting up with my shit.

I can accept my faults and offer to change , or we can split if I'm so bad. He denies he's unhappy.
He says he doesn't want me to change the way I am which is confusing. But seems to think its perfectly OK to pull me up on stuff and then just expect me to forget it.

We have 2 teenagers who I have always been very close to. They are good kids.
I feel like I'm being paranoid , as I now think they are taking their dad's side.
We were on holiday last week and mostly had a fab time. One day we were out and one was cheeky to me and I pulled them up. Teen said I was crazy and embarrassing. And some of the stuff they found funny about me is no longer funny. I get that. They are teens.
Same day, we all had a minor spat whilst playing a board game. I said let's leave the game as it getting argumentative. Dh said "your mum is mental ".
I was raging but didn't want a further row do let it go.
I'm looking at my future and thinking what's in store?
Teens won't want to come away with us in a few years and I adore my holidays. I cannot bear to think of me and DH with him snapping at me and speaking to me like I'm a child or modifying my behaviour.

I know he loves me and i I love him. We lots of happy times.
Things have changed though and DC are growing up. We had such happy times when they were little. Not sure what I'm asking here. Maybe if anyone been through similar?
And if anyone had advice about taking teens on holiday please help!!!!,as I'm also starting to feel I'm forcing them to do stuff or go places I Like. They are school age. I give them options and we go to various places, UK and abroad.

@Ivenamechangedsomanytimes

AutumnFroglets
I said let's leave the game as it getting argumentative. Dh said "your mum is mental ".
What he said is NOT acceptable.
I can accept my faults and offer to change , or we can split if I'm so bad. He denies he's unhappy.
But what about you? You are unhappy but he won't accept marriage counselling so it leaves you in limbo. I think I would call his bluff and say it's time (provided you mean it).
One thing I have recently learnt. It doesn't matter if he is in the wrong or you are, what matters is the relationship is no longer working and at least one of you is unhappy. The relationship will end in resentment and anger and be very toxic to be in. That is not good for either of you. You could always go to counselling by yourself so you can work out what you want and how to achieve it

This is excellent advice.

He should not be saying things like "your mum is mental " to your children - what kind of person drags children into marital problems?

I can accept my faults and offer to change , or we can split if I'm so bad. He denies he's unhappy.
Decide what you want - don't just offer to change to please someone else just because you're married to him and don't expect him to make all the decisions about you both.
There's a difference between compromise between two people and just doing what someone else wants so they don't leave. You don't have to wait for him to agree to a split ...............

If he has a problem with you that he wants to resolve, then he needs to address it with you and accept the offer of counselling.

if he doesn't want to discuss it, then you have a different problem . Because you've given him options to explore how to get through it.

The real problem here is deciding what you want to do.

Do you want to let him make all the decisions, or do you want to have a say in your life? x

@Josette77
I prob do express my thoughts a lot and think out loud. Agree it's exhausting.
I feel DH prefers a watered down version of me, which is basically me thinking about everything that I say. This is hard for me.

Im Not immature, and I find immature people super annoying. I Act daft with dc but not all the time! We have normal sensible conversations too! I just say stuff like oh only 18 days till holiday. Or 150 sleeps to Xmas. Mostly they laugh and join in. Now I just feel I'm clinging on to their childhood and its all a bit sad.

Are you clinging to thier childhood?

Is it possible you aren't connecting with them as teenagers and young adults?

Can you maybe reframe it as getting to know them again in this new phase of their lives?

I think it's unreasonable to expect someone to listen to your every though.

Ds and I both have ADHD. He talks A LOT. I eventually zone out and need to lie down. It's exhausting.

Agree to all of the above.
I was fuming about the mum is mental comment.
We were playing a board game and dc were bickering and I got arsey and said let's scrap the game!! Everyone was like: what?!
And then Dp made the comment. I'd have ripped into him if DC weren't there and we weren't on holiday.
What made me so mad was next day he was chirpy and didn't mention it!

@Josette77
I'm.definitely clinging onto their childhood which is a bit sad, I know. But I'm not babying them. We do age appropriate stuff , it's not me being silly all the time.

@Ivenamechangedsomanytimes What made me so mad was next day he was chirpy and didn't mention it!

Did you tell him how upset you are?

The way he deals with it will tell you a lot about your relationship.
And the way he responds will also tell you if you want to be with someone who responds in that way?

Sometimes we get caught up in the habit of 'having a relationship' and forget to remember whether it brings us happiness

Well it’s still not very clear but I’m wondering if your teens sometimes acting annoyed with you (normal for all teens and parents) has caused your husband to notice more and also become more irritated. I’m sure there are small changes you could make, such as less stream-of-consciousness chatter and nipping the “x days until!” in the bud, that wouldn’t make you feel like you were repressing yourself. They’re too old for the days countdowns anyway.

It is very annoying that he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it though. It sounds like he’s rather shite at communicating.

@WhichEllie Well it’s still not very clear but I’m wondering if your teens sometimes acting annoyed with you (normal for all teens and parents) has caused your husband to notice more and also become more irritated. I’m sure there are small changes you could make, such as less stream-of-consciousness chatter and nipping the “x days until!” in the bud, that wouldn’t make you feel like you were repressing yourself.

And I'm wondering why women always have to make the 'small changes' to accommodate everyone else ............... e.g teens who are still learning that they're not the centre of the universe and husbands who still need to learn that they are not the centre of the universe ..........

Yes, it's normal for people to get annoyed with other people's behaviour.

Please don't just assume it's always* *the woman's fault.

She admittedly talks all the time. It's completely valid for her dh to be exhausted by that. No one can sustain listening to someone chatter all day.

@Josette77 She admittedly talks all the time. It's completely valid for her dh to be exhausted by that. No one can sustain listening to someone chatter all day

an interesting interpretation of what OP actually said!

would couples therapy be an option?

Save your money. Most of them are crap and have little life experience in my opinion.

Wait till your kids have flown the nest, save as much money as you can and then go travel solo.

No therapist can beat that. You will find yourself again.

Then come home and see if there's a future with him.

I didn’t do any such thing, so I’m not sure why you quoted me other than to create a straw man argument.

If OP gives a clearer picture of what the actual conflict is, people can advise her better. She’s been too vague so far to tell and hasn’t really clarified when asked.

But he is making YOU unhappy!

Also teenagers will get better so don't despair.

How old are your teens? (Sorry if I’ve missed it)

You sound like me and if you are then yes we can be annoying!😄 I try and stop the thinking out loud, it’s like I always have to fill silences. Also I try and listen within reason about what I’m doing that’s annoying and try to adapt if my husband has a point.

I often joke to him that if he’d married someone else it would have been boring! He agrees but said yes but it would have been quieter 😄

The op literally said she talks too much:

"I suppose I'm a bit highly strong and perhaps talk too much and too much shit"

PP's comments were valid tbh.

@Ivenamechangedsomanytimes
You know sometimes the very things that attract us to our partners become the same things that we do not like or resent some years down the line.

It's not about the woman reigning herself in to please the man, it's about self awareness.

How would you deal with living with someone who is constantly as chatty, funny, and as highly strung and critical as you describe yourself?

I know that I became less tolerant when I was menopausal but I also listened to what my DH and adult DC's were telling me because in small doses it's tolerable, even endearing but when it's day in day out and over a long period of time it's exhausting for other people.

A lot of this does sound annoying, sorry!

I agree with a PP, maybe he is seeing the behaviour through the eyes of the teens.

Maybe peri meno is making you more anxious and prone to dwelling on the small stuff eg choosing the right restaurant. I do the same.

I think you (and me) have to reframe your thinking. Being around worriers / dwellers can be irritating. Be grateful for the choices you make. Some you'll win but some you'll lose. Law of averages. However, be glad you live in a world where you have choices. Many don't. Tackle the Wittering and dwelling, this will benefit you all.

Don't change your zest for life and the silly though. To me, that's a quality.

Are you not reading what you are writing?

Kids bickering over a board game (sadly normal!) - YOU got arsey.

Everyone was like what? Sounds like you totally overreacted or they perceived it as you did.

I get it’s painful to be asked to change your behaviour. But it really can feel unbearable living with someone who talks incessantly regardless of the cues the other person is giving, or who broadcasts everything on their mind without asking any questions of you; or ruins social occasions by flapping and getting in a tizz about whether everything is perfect. You might feel like you are attending to everyone’s needs and lightening the mood by filling silence but its often self-focused even if it’s well meant.

I think you might lack self awareness and that’s what your family are asking you to address. The impact of your behaviour on them. The mental comment is unacceptable but otherwise your DH sounds a good person who’s exasperated.

I had to train myself to say ‘hmmmm’ in the right places without actually listening as I couldn’t cope with the endless wall of incessant chat. The other person was hugely hurt and offended if anyone mentioned being more aware. Everyone thought the same and just had to tune out in the end. I don’t think that’s what you want, so do think about it.

The ranting about your job must also be tackled. If you rant regularly, you must either leave your job or change your minset about it. Give fewer fucks, quietly quit. Tackle what's annoying. Noone should have to listen to someone ranting every night. If you must, write it all down until you have solved the problem. He might be exasperated you are doing nothing to change your situation.

Sounds like you're on eggshells sometimes, which must be exhausting. And then that's not right, either.

As for teens on holiday, I gave up after they reached 16! It was no longer a holiday, but an expensive 24/7 argument for a week.