To think im not at fault here!!!!

[Ivenamechangedsomanytimes]

Long rambling Post to follow!
Long time poster, name change to hide my humiliation!!!
Perimenopausse which doesn't help but I'm on HRT, which helps somewhat.
I'm starting to think DH isn't a very nice man. Or very nice to me should I say. Been together a long time.

Different personalities but always had a good relationship. I suppose I'm a bit highly strong and perhaps talk too much and too much shit. 😅
DH has always been quite easy going and very tolerant of me and very forgiving if i upset him or had a row. (Not that I've done anything bad!!!).
Except now he's not. Over the past few years he's very intolerant of me. Calls me out on everything I do to piss him off.
I've challenged him over this and he said he's not putting up with my shit.

I can accept my faults and offer to change , or we can split if I'm so bad. He denies he's unhappy.
He says he doesn't want me to change the way I am which is confusing. But seems to think its perfectly OK to pull me up on stuff and then just expect me to forget it.

We have 2 teenagers who I have always been very close to. They are good kids.
I feel like I'm being paranoid , as I now think they are taking their dad's side.
We were on holiday last week and mostly had a fab time. One day we were out and one was cheeky to me and I pulled them up. Teen said I was crazy and embarrassing. And some of the stuff they found funny about me is no longer funny. I get that. They are teens.
Same day, we all had a minor spat whilst playing a board game. I said let's leave the game as it getting argumentative. Dh said "your mum is mental ".
I was raging but didn't want a further row do let it go.
I'm looking at my future and thinking what's in store?
Teens won't want to come away with us in a few years and I adore my holidays. I cannot bear to think of me and DH with him snapping at me and speaking to me like I'm a child or modifying my behaviour.

I know he loves me and i I love him. We lots of happy times.
Things have changed though and DC are growing up. We had such happy times when they were little. Not sure what I'm asking here. Maybe if anyone been through similar?
And if anyone had advice about taking teens on holiday please help!!!!,as I'm also starting to feel I'm forcing them to do stuff or go places I Like. They are school age. I give them options and we go to various places, UK and abroad.

Oh and my DH has ADHD and couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery. He may jump from one subject to another but we wouldn't have had a holiday in 30 years if I had waited for him to organise it.

You don't need to wonder if you have a diagnosis or whether you have a problem. You are you and what you need is a family who will listen and compromise, but it works both ways.

You don't have to be everything, no one does.

I agree. Your DH sounds a bit like mine and tbh I don’t ask him to do many things with me. I know he’d generally say yes and go along with it but if I’ve got a friend who would really enjoy something and would likely suggest doing it if I didn’t then I’d rather do it with them.

It took a bit of adjusting getting used to teenagers but I had three years between mine so when the first started the detachment stuff I still had a younger child and by the time it kicked in with the DC2, DC1 was comfortable enough in their own skin not be sneering at everything. It’s a funny time though because it feel like at some point in the not to distant future it’ll be just the two of us again but the mirror will show us to be 20 years older. I think it’s a good time to think some more about who I am and what I want out of my own life.

Every reply you make has double the amount of words necessary. Reading them is like constant chatter, kindly you would do my head in too

Bizarre response
Didn't realise that I had a word limit🤔

You do come across as quite defensive but you could try some self reflection and ask yourself who you are doing all of this for, and why.

I don't think op is coming across as defensive at all considering some of the really critical posts on here! She's just trying to explain herself.

Honestly op I think it's more of a DH problem than a you problem. As the dc get older it can definitely highlight the differences in your marriage and your dh sounds pretty intolerant (but happy enough to have you organise everything when it suits though).

I agree taking some time to focus on yourself and doing things for you sounds like the way to go and maybe just doing less to try and make everyone else happy?

Not that bizarre when you’re an over talker for someone to point out even your typing is over typed.

Your responses are very rambly and repetitive - being honest, are you like that in real life too?

You say yourself you talk a lot - PP is just saying your responses here are no different!

It's quite hard to say everything about a 30year relationship in text form, without an actual essay.
Much easier to say it. But yes, I suppose I do ramble , which is why DH finds me infuriating 😡

I think what people find tolerable in the beginning of a relationship can change as things progress and people get older.

I'm sure there are things about him that you liked a lot more at the beginning than you do now?

Yes maybe they are and maybe DH is right. It's odd though, he's happy to stay with me when he has the freedom to take action.
I cant be that bad eh?
Anyway, I will definitely start to make some changes. Thanks to those who have given me some constructive advice.

Regardless. You are who you are, and say you haven't changed. He has, and is changing. Are you still happy with that/him?

As pp says things we find cute and endearing at the start can soon because ffs again after many years. Plus (put on hard hat) people get grumpier as they get older.

I think Lee evens even did a bit on it before. The wife dribbling her toothpaste ahhh look at her 🥰 15 years later. Alright dribbler 🙄

My dhs sense of humour certainly hasn’t changed and I often find myself rolling my eyes at his jokes rather then laughing like I would if the first time I heard it 15 years ago 😅 just like picking up pants out his shorts hasn’t improved with age either.

OP someone once described my dp as a man who knows how to make a short story long. And the description is spot on.

he’ll take three times longer to say something because he goes off on tangents. But if you try to get him to get to the point he gets offended so you’re damned either way.

That doesn’t mean that our relationship isn’t a good one, it is. But it does irritate me when he goes on or insists that things are funny when they’re not.

I feel quite sad for you. I bet all the enthusiasm and fun, and arranging holidays and trips out is what has kept your family happy and running smoothly all these years. Now you're being called annoying or mental for those same traits.

I recommend some deep thought into what you want for your future. Talk to your family about how you feel. Don't change who you are but maybe find another outlet for your energy as the children rely on you less and less. Not sure what. Hobby or something. You should be able to be yourself in your home around your husband all the time.

If you're constantly processing your thoughts out loud and you don't want to, you could write it all in a journal. Rant in writing so some of it is out of your system. Only if you want to though.

@Laszlomydarling
Awww
Thank you
That's a really kind and thoughtful( and true) post

I think constantly complaining becomes a bad habit.

I would try to spend a day without complaining and see how you feel.

It sounds like you spend a lot of time feeding your anxiety.

My mil is a lot like you. It gets frustrating listening to her question every decision. She would say she's a positive person, but the constant whining reminds me of Eeyore. It's exhausting.

@Ivenamechangedsomanytimes not bizarre at all, when I read your comments it's almost like I can feel them going at 100mph through my head, I can imagine actually being with you in person is like a constant barrage/whoosh of words

@GinBlossom94
Well thats not quite accurate. He doesn't really have to tolerate me that much for a start. I work a different work pattern. Sometimes weekends. Typical day when I'm home is he gets in at 5 . I do dinner for us all. We have showers etc. I sit down about 8pm( he's watching telly) . He goes to bed before 11pm.
I may watch something and he will play on phone or occasionally watch programme together. We do not sit and talk! He does not turn that TV off!!
So I'm not chatting shit 24/7.

It's not bizarre, sorry. Why have you just written out your evening schedule?!

Again, not to say your DH is by any means perfect in all this but I think reflect on what you can do differently. Even your approach was looking for absolution when clearly there are things you can change for your part. That may be just for your own interest and benefit. I don't get the impression you're in the habit of very substantial reflection though. What do you think you could do differently? Not anyone else, you.

Ha ha
Very sarcastic
It was to illustrate we barely spend any time together so I'm certainly not talking his head off all night. We hardly have a normal convo. It's just TV.

You don't like a very nice person @Shitlord
You haven't got anything helpful to say tbh

Haha wow! You really can't take any critique, can you? Not being sarcastic at all.

Reflection on what you could do differently is always helpful.

Making fun of me for writing my evening schedule. When I was trying to illustrate that I'm not rambling to DH. As he's watching TV from dinner to bed!!!
I have however, taken some positive things from this thread.
Doing things away from the family and so on.
I will try and be more mindful of what I say and how I say it to DH and kids.
Stop organising stuff so much and leave them to it a bit.

It's interesting you'd assume it was making fun. It wasn't. Yes, it was criticism (meant constructively). You had listed a great deal of detail to make that short statement. Which was PP's very point that you dismissed as bizarre.

I think look at your communication style. It wasn't fair or appropriate for your DH to call you mental etc, and I he would do well to be a lot more compassionate but I don't get the impression you're putting yourself across as well as you think you are which sounds frustrating.

I think you have a lot of anxiety, you're doing a lot of talking to fill gaps, but you're not really thinking about what you want to say, get done or what assurances you need. As I say, that might just be new things to do for you, interests or social focuses. People aren't against you here but it does sound like there are changes you could.make for your own wellbeing.