To think im not at fault here!!!!

[Ivenamechangedsomanytimes]

Long rambling Post to follow!
Long time poster, name change to hide my humiliation!!!
Perimenopausse which doesn't help but I'm on HRT, which helps somewhat.
I'm starting to think DH isn't a very nice man. Or very nice to me should I say. Been together a long time.

Different personalities but always had a good relationship. I suppose I'm a bit highly strong and perhaps talk too much and too much shit. 😅
DH has always been quite easy going and very tolerant of me and very forgiving if i upset him or had a row. (Not that I've done anything bad!!!).
Except now he's not. Over the past few years he's very intolerant of me. Calls me out on everything I do to piss him off.
I've challenged him over this and he said he's not putting up with my shit.

I can accept my faults and offer to change , or we can split if I'm so bad. He denies he's unhappy.
He says he doesn't want me to change the way I am which is confusing. But seems to think its perfectly OK to pull me up on stuff and then just expect me to forget it.

We have 2 teenagers who I have always been very close to. They are good kids.
I feel like I'm being paranoid , as I now think they are taking their dad's side.
We were on holiday last week and mostly had a fab time. One day we were out and one was cheeky to me and I pulled them up. Teen said I was crazy and embarrassing. And some of the stuff they found funny about me is no longer funny. I get that. They are teens.
Same day, we all had a minor spat whilst playing a board game. I said let's leave the game as it getting argumentative. Dh said "your mum is mental ".
I was raging but didn't want a further row do let it go.
I'm looking at my future and thinking what's in store?
Teens won't want to come away with us in a few years and I adore my holidays. I cannot bear to think of me and DH with him snapping at me and speaking to me like I'm a child or modifying my behaviour.

I know he loves me and i I love him. We lots of happy times.
Things have changed though and DC are growing up. We had such happy times when they were little. Not sure what I'm asking here. Maybe if anyone been through similar?
And if anyone had advice about taking teens on holiday please help!!!!,as I'm also starting to feel I'm forcing them to do stuff or go places I Like. They are school age. I give them options and we go to various places, UK and abroad.

The pub one would infuriate me OP. I’m guessing your DH/family think they are having a lovely meal out only for you to put a downer on it and say you wished you’d done somewhere else.

I think on holiday you just need to be a bit more relaxed now the kids are older, they can make more decisions on what they want to do now and it’s down to them if they enjoy it. Don’t put too much pressure on the situation.

It sounds like they’ve grown up but you haven’t …I get the struggling to accept them getting older, I think most of us do, but as the parent you need to be more sensitive to THEIR changing needs

From what you say it’s him that has changed not you. You absolutely don’t want to feel you are being undermined (the “mental” comment) in front of the DCs, particularly coming up to teenage years.

It’s quite normal if you are stressed about something to talk to those who are closest to you. He knows you second guess yourself.

I have teenagers and I also have nick names for the dog which I use to amuse me (and obviously the dog finds them hilarious). Try not to worry about what teenagers think, they’re hyper aware of the world around them, probably all sorts of evolutionary reasons. Try to focus on the things you found fun for you.

Maybe. I hadn't seen it like that. Tbf though, I'm normally pretty easy going with the DC and love spending time as a family. In this situation it's normally DH who throws in towel when the arguments start(which I know is normal).

@Coughsweet
Yep that's me. Silly names for the pets. Animals absolutely think im.dead funny.Singing to the radio. Making up daft jingles. Mostly everyone laughs at/with me.

Yes I get this. And I hate myself for doing it. 🙃
Most of this stuff is to please everyone else, not me. I just want everyone to have a good time. I get teens can make their own choices though. One Dc though doesn't like to make a fuss or feel they are costing too much money!! So they won't say can we have lunch in that nice pub or could we do a boat trip.
So I'm always offering stuff, which I know is also annoying. 🫣
DH is a massive stick in the mud and rarely suggests much as he doesn't really like doing a lot. Not much excites him
I'm really enthusiastic though and like absorbing everything and I love seeing the world! And enjoying every bit of our UK stuff.
I think he loves tbe fact that they are older and has to do less, whereas I hate it.
I think he's probably actively looking forward to retirement and just us having (minimal) quiet holidays. This fills me with absolute horror.

Theres things about my partner I used to find endearing when i first met him - we have been together 12 years, and things I used to tolerate which I am now (aged 46) struggling with.

He's not funny anymore, he's annoying. I snap at him for things I would have before laughed off - i am not sure if this is perimenopause or am I just getting older and less tolerant.

Maybe just speak to him and tell him how you feel and why is this only starting to bother him now, is it you or is it him, is there something else going on with him you don't know about

Your DC I would tell them they hurt your feeling when they were mocking you

I always tell him how upset I am. He minimises it and says I'm.sensitive.
I haven't mentioned the 'mental' comment as totally pointless. Before we went away we had a similar situation and he bit my head off about something. Again, Dc was there. The next day, at work I messaged to say do not fucking speak to me like a piece of shit, especially in front of DC. He admitted he was wrong and apologised. Then he pulls the same stunt on holiday!!!!

@suburberphobe
This is absolutely on my agenda.
I'm happy tondo stuff on my own anyway- days out, theatre etc
I'm going to branch out and do a weekend away i think too. I missed out on somewhere I wanted to go a short while ago as I had no one to go with. I could kick myself for not going by myself. I will next time.
One thing though is i have really bad driving anxiety. I do drive, but any big journeys DH does. Plus he has a bigger car. I couldn't take the dogs anywhere like the seaside as they wouldn't really fit in my car, plus I'd be anxious about driving.
There's always the train though ( or plane).

@Morningcrows
Thank you. That made me feel a bit emotional.

The more you drive the more confident you will be

Difficult to say, from what you have posted, to what extent, or if you are at fault.

The fact that you are able to self appraise and own your faults is in your favour. Also, your husband was predumably aware of your personality style before he married and had kids with you?

You say that your husband has become intolerant and I would question why he has changed? Do you have any insight into this?

You’ve described me. I’m finding how I am is wearing thin on my nearest and dearest, particularly my repetition - I irritate myself! I’m making a conscious effort to chill a bit, without quelling the parts of my personality that I know are fun

Your last line really reminded me of a woman I used to work with. Very argumentative and over the top, the type to say 'I just tell it like it is' while being nasty to people. Then if she was ever pulled up on it, the bottom lip would come out and she'd say things like oh well I just won't talk any more then, I'll just sit quietly in the corner so I don't upset anyone.

(Annie, is that you?? 😂)

It's really hard to explain how I am in a post. So much easier to say verbally(yes I'm a chatterbox).
I suppose the main thing is,I'm always second guessing myself.
Then I mither and say "oh I wish we had done this or that" Or should we have gone here or there?
I suppose its thinking out loud. My friends and family (siblings) find it funny.
Dh does find it funny a lot of the time, or takes no notice.

But other times(and its more and more) he snaps which he didnt do in the past. Any moaning or general nagging( every day stuff) used to go over his head. Now he pulls me up.

I've definitely become less tolerant of him. He's always been the type that hasn't got much get up and go- a bit of joy killer at times and he's got worse. I don't know what i expected. He was never going to turn into the life and soul of the party In middle age when he wasn't in his 20s.
My older sister is the only one who gets all of this. And she says what did you expect.
To the poster above who said presumably he knew what I was like when he met me, well this is true.
The thing is, I can see my faults and will try and modify my behaviour. He doesn't.
Hes super untidy, burps and farts constantly. Stuff that grates on me more and more but refuses to stop as he says I'm fussing.
I tell him there are things I'm.not happy about but he's apparently perfectly happy as long as I 'don't go on'. So that's alright then🤔

You say you're both becoming less tolerant of each other, are YOU happy in the relationship?

No thats certainly not me. I'm not argumentative at at all. In fact, I let so much slide that really in the past I'd have exploded. .not over the top either
Just a bit daft and silly and take the piss out of myself. Only with people I know well . No one would ever describe me as OTT.
But I do know an Annie ha ha.

@Squr
Yeah this is what I need to do. Absolutely. For my sanity.

Honestly, I'm.not sure.
I think I happy with how life used to be and how I used to feel. All nostalgia I suppose.
Sometimes I think I wouldn't care if we split but that would be very difficult emotionally and financially. But that's tbe same for everyone.
Then we have happy times and so many shared memories I don't think I could bear it!!
But equally, I can't bear how I feel now. I cant work out if DH is making me feel like this or .making myself feel like this.

I've been trying this for years and it hasn't worked yet!!!!

Another example of my behaviour is that I like certain routines and traditions. Like we go to a certain beach August bank holiday and I make a fun joke that we have no choice. . Everyone likes it there, but now DH will say stuff like "don't upset your mum, you know what she's like with her routines". I used to laugh it off, but now it makes
me feel shit. If everyone wanted to go somewhere else I would, but I'm the only one who plans anything, otherwise we would do fuck all!!
Now I feel that by booking and planning stuff I'm controlling.

Honestly you would drive me insane.

My mother is similar. She’s never had a thought she hasn’t voiced and goes on and on about inconsequential things.

Have you ever tried not voicing everything out loud and letting other people enjoy the quiet ?

I’m tired just reading this tbh.

I couldn’t do with dh getting in from work and then just chattering all night long. Moaning about work, having thoughts out loud like it’s a conversation when it’s internal monologue. Then seconding guessing himself on what he ate. Ah id go crazy.

Seems like you make a big deal of your routines too. Like the beach oh it’s X day we have to go to the beach today haha suckers. Or you could just go to the beach. It doesn’t have to be a thing that it’s always X day even if it is. Just go and have fun.

You sound lovely and like you're tying yourself in knots trying to please everybody. Your relationship with your children will change as they get older and you need to navigate this. But your DH sound like critical, fun-sponge. It sounds like he wants his life to be static and you to fit into this. It doesn't sound like he would be interested in looking at how you feel and trying to resolve things together. He seems to be starting from the premis that he's okay just the way he his and you need to change. But being enthusiastic and trying to please people aren't bad things on your part. Your happiness is important. And he's untidy...

@Cheesecakecookie
I don't voice everything I think. I dont witter like an old lady!! I'm probably not explaining myself well.
I do try and tone down my behaviour though. But if I don't talk much ,or be myself, you know what DH says?
That I'm behaving unnaturally or I'm in a mood!