To think im not at fault here!!!!

[Ivenamechangedsomanytimes]

Long rambling Post to follow!
Long time poster, name change to hide my humiliation!!!
Perimenopausse which doesn't help but I'm on HRT, which helps somewhat.
I'm starting to think DH isn't a very nice man. Or very nice to me should I say. Been together a long time.

Different personalities but always had a good relationship. I suppose I'm a bit highly strong and perhaps talk too much and too much shit. 😅
DH has always been quite easy going and very tolerant of me and very forgiving if i upset him or had a row. (Not that I've done anything bad!!!).
Except now he's not. Over the past few years he's very intolerant of me. Calls me out on everything I do to piss him off.
I've challenged him over this and he said he's not putting up with my shit.

I can accept my faults and offer to change , or we can split if I'm so bad. He denies he's unhappy.
He says he doesn't want me to change the way I am which is confusing. But seems to think its perfectly OK to pull me up on stuff and then just expect me to forget it.

We have 2 teenagers who I have always been very close to. They are good kids.
I feel like I'm being paranoid , as I now think they are taking their dad's side.
We were on holiday last week and mostly had a fab time. One day we were out and one was cheeky to me and I pulled them up. Teen said I was crazy and embarrassing. And some of the stuff they found funny about me is no longer funny. I get that. They are teens.
Same day, we all had a minor spat whilst playing a board game. I said let's leave the game as it getting argumentative. Dh said "your mum is mental ".
I was raging but didn't want a further row do let it go.
I'm looking at my future and thinking what's in store?
Teens won't want to come away with us in a few years and I adore my holidays. I cannot bear to think of me and DH with him snapping at me and speaking to me like I'm a child or modifying my behaviour.

I know he loves me and i I love him. We lots of happy times.
Things have changed though and DC are growing up. We had such happy times when they were little. Not sure what I'm asking here. Maybe if anyone been through similar?
And if anyone had advice about taking teens on holiday please help!!!!,as I'm also starting to feel I'm forcing them to do stuff or go places I Like. They are school age. I give them options and we go to various places, UK and abroad.

@YellowRoom
He is a thousand per cent a fun sponge. His life is static.
Goes to work, comes home , glued to telly and then bed. He's happy to have a holiday(singular). Doesn't care to do much else. Doesn't go out.
I love sitting at home too. I don't Chat non stop all night as was suggested above!!

I work long hours and like to sit and watch telly, love reading.
Walking the dogs etc
I most certainly do not spend my evenings having conversations with DH. He is not a talker( or a listener).
But stuff that I do mither about or sound off about he gets exasperated. He wants a quiet life.

People pleaser in me is panicking that you’re talking about me but I avoid conflict and confrontation like the plague so I’m hoping it isn’t 😂😂

You have said you think out loud and mither.

If it’s often it might be very irritating.

Ultimately it sounds as though you and your DH are just very different people.

Do you both spend all of your time which each other or does each have you have your own hobbies/friends etc ?

Maybe please yourself rather than worrying about everyone else. That might stop the second guessing restaurants etc (which sounds terribly annoying). Counting down to xmas is also really annoying - it’s not like it’s a different day every year 😁

Perhaps you threw yourself into a child’s world to make up for the fact your dh is boring and dull. You can’t judge your dc on how they are as teenagers as being how they are for the rest of their lives 😁

maybe get some counselling for you for these life changes/ work stress. It doesn’t sound like you will get what you need from your husband.

Honestly the more I read the more I am cringing a little for you (sorry). Because I have a friend just like this, and although I am fine with her because I've learned to just let her be without me getting pissed off with her...everyone around us I see cringing at her or just not wanting to be around her. I am not suggesting you're to this degree, but so much of what you describe she does. Insanely enthusiastic, non stop chatting, she thinks everyone thinks she's really funny which you keep mentioning, making up silly names, singing and dancing loudly around the place all the time, butting in to everyone's conversations, seriously OTT in everything she does. Sadly she doesn't have many true friends as people distance themselves as they don't know how to take her.

I'd find it very hard to be around someone who "mithered" a lot. You've used that expression a few times. What a truly tiresome quality. Try keeping your querulous, whiny thoughts to yourself perhaps. That's being a fun sponge!

Thanks. Great food for thought.

No I will never get what I need from.DH. I need to accept that.
I have definitely thrown everything into the DC. I did so.much when they were little played with them, read, took them to lots of things, free stuff and holidays. I don't expect a medal but I think I've done a lot more than other people that I know
.I am struggling to imagine life with just me and DH. Eldest is nearly 16 and in a couple of years won't even come away with us.
I do try to please myself more and I need to work on it
Holidays are difficult as I ask everyone where would you like to go or want to do. Often they will day don't mind!!!
I wanted to go for a nice meal in a nice place and I even packed a nice outfit. Never went ,as DH was like just go with the flow!! So I did, so as not to be controlling and guess what , we went the chippy.

@IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername
Oh god I never do this with 'regular ' people!that is cringe.
I only have a small group of friends like 3, plus my eldest sister and we all go out and are all a bit daft. Not loud. Just a bit barmy in our own way. Have a drink and all know each others quirky side.
Outside of this I'm fairly normal
I don't socialise much with colleagues. Work hard, but have a laugh. I cant imagine anyone would see anything that I do as annoying!!

I absolutely do not dance around, other than at home. Or make up names for anyone other than my pets 🙁
I am not loud.
Silly behaviour in my own home. Mithering to DH about stuff that concerns us only. Yes its annoying I accept that. But indo not do this with the general public.
I should be comfortable to be myself at home. But I can see that I need to just fonwith the flow as DH says.

Ah, OP, I really feel for you. Your self esteem must be fairly low for you to use such derogatory language about yourself 😕. It's great that you're aware that you sometimes need to rein it in a bit, but you can't change your whole personality.

I think we're probably a similar age. DH and I are looking forward to retiring early and travelling, hiking, going to restaurants and cafes etc. If I was dreading our retirement together, I just couldn't stay with him now. This is your one life and I honestly think you're better off separating now and either remaining happily single or finding somebody who will appreciate you how you are.

I think a bit of honest reflection would help a lot - would you enjoy your own company, honestly? What is wrong with changing the way you behave if you are maturing or taking other people into account. Very few parents treat their toddlers and teens the same way, that is evolution rather than being forced to change.

I would hate going for dinner with someone who spent a lot of the time going on about the restaurant being the wrong choice - what an absolute waste of headspace and bringing the mood down. Try to make the most of things instead, for your own sake as well as the people you are with. Can you put an elastic band around your wrist and snap it any time you feel a "mither" coming on, to break the habit.

It sounds as if you need a lot of validation, for every decision you make or task you do and that DH is not forthcoming and now the teens aren't either, so you are adrift. However, you aren't going to get it by pestering him. I think you would be happier working on you sense of self in other ways, find things you are good at, set challenges like running 5k or learning watercolours, anything to give you a boost that isn't hoping someone else gives you it.

I hope you feel happier soon, but it does sound as if the kind of happiness that has to come from within rather than the temporary boost you'll get from people online calling your DH names.

I don't want to split, but equally I hate that he finds me so annoying.
It makes me hate myself!
Especially that he does not give a flying fuck that he's annoying too!!!!

@LadyQuackBeth
You have nailed me in your post. This is exactly me. And exactly what I need to do.

And I have thought about the elastic band trick!!!

The more I read your replies, the more I think unmanaged anxiety is at the root of all the ‘mithering’. A need for constant reassurance about decisions; a need to download work anxieties; anxieties about driving; anxiety about whether your DC are having a good time. Anxious people are often routine driven too as it gives a sense of control, but can be too constraining for others.

I do think therapy is a good idea as a first step towards taking some responsibility for managing your anxious behaviour and learning some tools that help you enjoy life more and worry less, rather than expecting everyone else to accommodate it. Your teens have probably gained a more adult awareness and it’s grating on them in a way it wouldn’t have even registered when they were younger.

DH may be a fun sponge but ultimately we can only change our own behaviour.

I think your mithering and voicing things out loud is a remnant of being the default parent and being the person in the house who has had to take everyone else's needs into consideration for a smooth functioning and happy household.

Your husband and children haven't appreciated this and now as they need this less and less find it tiresome.

You need to take a step back and put yourself first for once.

I find it bothersome that your husband seems to be so dismissive of your emotions, that is not a good sign and it's obvious he would not be concerned or upset if you suddenly went mute so long as you did your work for the house....
Is that the life you want? Is that what you want from a life partner?

Start doing things for you op, maybe go away for a weekend every now and then, think seriously about what things enrich your life and make steps to get what you need from life.

I think we all irritate each other a bit on holiday, adults and teens, because we are not used to spending so much intense time together. I think when you accept that as 'normal' it becomes easier to deal with.

We are a competitive family and we have low level banter/heated debates during board games but I enjoy that and it would annoy me if someone suggested ending the game halfway through for that. Doesn't mean I'm right but I would be irritated, you're just different people and your DC have their own identities and that's OK.

My only advice is don't make everyone's happiness your responsibility. It's upto them to speak up and say if they aren't happy or want to do something. Equally don't force people to do things that aren't for them. I'm happy to go off on my own to see the sights, mooch around the shops and I find my teens are actually more amenable if they feel.they have choice. DP will sometimes go to.a sports bar on his own and again I'm.cool with it.

@BananaPeanutToast
I think you are right. I've never thought of myself as being anxious. Though I felt anxiety creeping up a couple of years ago, hence the HRT.

Driving anxiety is one thing I've always had. Despite my age, I'm an inexperienced driver ,which means I suppose I'm a bit crap. I've kind of made peace with myself about that though. I've had therapy for that, which hasn't really helped.

For a while I've considered maybe asking GP for a low dose of sertraline.
And I think what youre saying about the teens and it not registering when they were younger is spot on.

OP you sound very much like my mum! And pretty much the same thing happened in our house when mum hit the menopause at the same time we were all grumpy teens. I think it was when I was around 14, all of a sudden I just found my mum SO annoying, when I hadn’t before. I think with hindsight (I had no clue at the time) that the menopause also made her mirhering a lot worse. So it was the perfect storm!

if it’s any consolation, I outgrew the embarrassment etc by the time I was 21 - your kids will come out the other side eventually! My mum is also now much more chilled in her 60s and retired. Maybe just tone it down a bit with them in the meantime.

your husband is a bigger issue. He’s not a hormonal teen so why is he suddenly acting like one? He’s acting like he doesn’t like you anymore and that’s heartbreaking. He’s a dick if he has a problem and he’s not willing to work through it with you. What happened to working on issues in a marriage? Time to focus on what YOU want, not what he does!

Definitely not the person I'm talking about 😂💗

@TomatoSandwiches
Ha ha that is spot on about DH not actually minding if I were mute as long as things ticked over nicely. I actually say this very thing to my DSIS.
I am totally going to plan some weekends away for myself. Absolutely 100%.
We have another little family holiday Oct half term.though, before then😱

I'm happy to go out and about on my own on holiday and do my own thing.
I just feel I can't win! If I suggest something then I feel I'm taking over. If I ask everyone what they like doing, they say they don't mind!!!!!

@Feelinadequate23
Thanks
Interesting post.
I have no clue re:DH as he denies everything.
Sometimes he positively encourages me. On the car journey to our last holiday he was saying ooh bet you're excited, we will definitely have to go to that pub you like and spend a day at X beach. He seemed almost excited himself!
How do I know when I can be myself though, and when I cant?!

I think it sounds like you’re maybe just both getting on each others nerves, you’re becoming less tolerant of each other and picking faults etc, I do think as you get older you have less tolerance for things and certain behaviours that you’d previously have let go bother you more.

I also think your concerns about a life with DH post-kids is quite normal. My mum and dad always told us growing up that it’s so important to continue to find time and effort to focus on your marriage even when you have children because otherwise one day when your children don’t need you anymore you find yourself in a marriage with what feels like a stranger. Is it possible that maybe you could discuss these things with him? Good relationships take time, effort and genuine love/desire from both sides to make things work, as well as lots of communication. It’s a two way street.

Doesn't sound nice for you at all. I find I get less tolerant as I get older, and I was actually talking to my sister the other day that I notice more of our mum's annoying traits in me these days - so maybe we also get less tolerable 😂

Maybe it's just the case that you've become less compatible over time.